Bittersweet.

Wet roads take my breath away.

I hate it when you're happy about something and then the thought of it having to end soon makes you sad and ruins your happiness. Doesn't completely ruin it, just makes it sort of, bittersweet. My heart's heavy.

p.s. Picture post coming soon me thinks.

At times.

At times I hate how the reality of something fails to live up to the idea of it. But then. You see. An idea is perfect. It's whatever you want it to be, and more. Whereas reality is much more..real if you will. Raw. And true. And it will take you by surprise. It will disappoint you, or pleasantly surprise you.
And to be honest, I'd rather be blown away by life's brutal little imperfections than be bored with the sparkly white mundanity of perfection.

*Bullets 8.

- Came back early from college. Thought I had a free class. Turns out, not so much. I will kill everyone if anyone bothers me about the attendance.  

- Annoyed at this girl in my batch who was supposed to take this patient's history with me. Kept blurting out questions at the poor girl's mother like crazy. Verbal diarrhea na ho to.

- I met the most amazing little kid yesterday. I don't like kids. And I'm not good at talking to them either. But this one. So cute. We were at a social gathering.  And there he was, 8 years old, sitting in the corner with a big book in his face. Book's name : Gangsta Granny. We were having a group photo done and he didn't bother looking up for that either. Made me laugh. I sat with him, and he told me what the story was. I had fun talking to him. Nd said I'd found my younger self in him. Haha, kind of true. I loved him though. He had a perfect little British accent. And he talked about how he went to France with his class fellows and saw an aquarium etc. Cute. Best Kid Ever.

- At times I feel like, no matter how old we grow, or how mature we get, how much we learn or experience, in some way or the other, we;ll always be that scared little 13 year old  that we once were. The fears,  the insecurities, the little complexes that we had, will always be there. All we've really done is manage to brush them under the carpet. For now. But never permanently. I don't know. I think maybe we still feel all those things, but we're just better equipped to deal with them now. We know how to reason ourselves out of them. We learned self control and self worth and all those things. Maybe. I don't know. I just wonder at times.

- Sometimes, in winters, I like the smell of cigarette smoke. Eeek.

- I feel greedy. I'm being greedy these days. I want this and that and I want everything right NOW. And it's really uncool. I need to un-greedy myself. But how? I want i want i want!


- I have to clean my closet today. Clean, and organize. Dreading it. No seriously. Closet, and bags and suitcases and more bags, and shit. I live out of bags. I hate it. I have more bags than any other thing. I have more bags than i have clothes to fill them with. And there are 12 boxes of shoes under r1's bed. I can seem them right now. Funny. Okay, not so funny. Whatever.


- Interesting thing happened the other day. Had issues going on. Weird major weird ugly issues. And then Nd came to pick me and we talked. And i bawled in front of him. Like a stupid little kid. And in the middle of things i told him that I was worried that things were going to get weird between us, and he told me that it wasn't possible, and that he would destroy anyone who tried to make it possible. Sometimes you need to hear things like that.

- The roomies are still at college, and I'm on my bed in the corner of the room. It's dark. I like this. I need more days like this. Better hurry up before they come and turn the lights on and make me eat food.

Bye.
 

The other day.

The other day:

Sleep deprived. Day 3. Minimal sleep. An hour here, twenty minutes there. I'm sick of my red zombie eyes, i miss my old eyes. Fresh eyes. Awake eyes. Human eyes. I'm so exhausted, my body refuses to function. Coffee, sting, redbull. Whatever. Sleep, is what i need.

You know how at times you open a nut, say, an almond or a peanut, and instead of the nut, you find this black shriveled up piece of husk inside? Well, that's sort of what my head is like. Husk, being what's left of my brain.

On another note, there's also this constant feeling at the back of my head that needs to be dealt with. That life's not in control. And everything is going to fall apart. Soon. But let's deal with that once i'm out of the shit i'm presently in.


Edit:

Today:

Got done with the worst of things. Tried to sleep. Finally. Couldn't. Of course. Of course, when you finally have the time and opportunity to sleep, you can't. Anyhow, I went to the movies with s2 and another friend. It was fun. I've taken a tablet that will make me sleepy. I'm warm. Goodbye now.

Ninja Tuna.

It's 1:47 a.m.

I'm back at the hostel. I was supposed to be asleep by eleven at max. I have a long, hard and tiring day tomorrow, and i wanted to be well rested for it. And i was so exhausted. My back hurt like shit. So i went down to the non-cafe and bought some hot chocolate, which was more like an insult to the word 'hot chocolate' and had it with two panadols. I'm still watching that stupid movie. My sleep's gone. The roomies are asleep. r1 is on the right, r2 is on the left. r1 is hidden somewhere under a mass of quilt and pillows and r2 is all shriveled up and comma like. She's covering her face too. And i'm in the middle. Doing this. I should be sleeping.

Spent a day at N's place. Too much fun. I bought new sneakers. I'll wear them tomorrow and walk to college in the cold morning. I love having my face frozen early in the morning while the rest of me is warm and snug. It's refreshing.

I made Nd watch 3 of my most favourite movies. Before sunrise, Before Sunset and Frost Nixon. He was like. Bleh. And I just think he has no taste for good movies. He said the same to me. His favourite movie is Law Abiding Citizen. And Taken too. I mean. Seriously? Such a boy. I like those movies, but i mean. Oh whatever.

The movie just ended. Jerry Maguire. Tom Cruise looks good. That much I can say. And the kid. So adorable. Not repulsive at all. I don't like kids all that much. That's not a secret. But this one was so cute. Aw. I want to watch Anna Karenina. Right now. But oh well. I should try to get some sleep. What happened to wanting to be well rested for tomorrow?

I ate PAAN the other day. Meetha paan. At 2 am in the morning. I felt like i was eating perfume. Seriously. There's no other way to describe it.

My right ear's acting funny.

The number of followers on my blog keeps increasing. Which i find odd. Since I don't think people are actually reading it. Yet. 159 followers. Interesting.

Okay bye now.

Winter awaits.

There's so much to be done.

I have books that need to be read. Movies that need to be watched, alone with a blanket on top. Dialogues to be pondered upon and little movie moments to fall in love with. Friends that i need to hang out with and drink coffee and eat croquettes with, and go crazy with, friends to celebrate freedom with, friends to eat chocolate mint with, friend to spend a day at the mall with, friend to spend a weekend with, friend to stay up all night with. Songs to be downloaded and made favorites of. There's winter shopping to be done. Skinny jeans to be worn and huge ass sweaters to be snuggled into.There's all those trips that I've planned with all my people. The coffee. And the frozen yogurt. And the french fries and Cheese Naan. There's home to go back to. There's mom to eat peanuts with and s1 to have long conversations with and dad to make coffee for and s2 to make stupid plans with. There's my new phone to wait for. There are weddings to be attended and festivity to be celebrated. There are beginnings that need to begin. There's a roof that needs walking on, and a sky above that that needs to be stared at in search of constellations that i'm always on the lookout for. And then there's more.

 Blogposts need to be written about how amazing life is, not about how ugly exams are. 

Oh, and this song please.

*Bullets 7.

Its 3 a.m and I'm nowhere near finishing my goal for tonight. Calls for a bullet post.

- I'm annoyed. People are sleeping. I need people right now. There are no people. No strangers even.

- I found out that Before Midnight is going to be out next year. I can't wait. Watched before sunrise and before sunset again. And that made me want to talk. To someone i don't know. That would be ideal.

- I miss my parents.

- I want to read profound poetry all of a sudden. That's pretty unexpected. Or a novel. Something that would make me go like. Shit. Something that would blow me away. Hmm. I'll find something after my exams end.

- I never buy shoes. I don't remember the last time I went out to buy a pair of shoes. Also. I treat my socks like my shoes.

- I like the sound of my typing. Everything's so silent. Typing sounds nice.

Ok. That is all.


OH. Look at Mr.cuddles. This made me go AWWWWWW. And i'm not an Aww person. Everyone knows that. But Mr.cuddles is just. Ah. See yourself.

The switch is quite loose and keeps falling out. This is how my roomate decided to fix the problem.

*Emo exam journal.

My blog is slowly turning into a depressing exam journal. Or has it already?

Well. Last night, was terrible. Panic attack no. 3429042 struck. And i decided to sleep early. W2 and Nd brought me food, and kept knocking on my door for what seemed like an hour, (but was only five minutes actually). But I pretended to be asleep (even though I texted W2 only about ten minute before that) till they went away. Anyway. So i stayed in bed for over an hour trying to force myself to sleep. After which i did eventually fall asleep. 

These days are just..bad. There are good parts of the day and then there are the bad parts. The mornings are okay. The afternoons are usually nice and full of promise. The evenings are okay too. But the nights. Oh I dread the nights.

Yuck.

My head hurts. I just took a panadol.

I want to be by myself today. I don't want make an appearance infront of anyone. I just want to stay in bed, and study (yuck), and be in my pyjamas. I love these pyjamas. They're funky. I don't want anybody to knock on the door or to call me downstairs for lunch or dinner, or to ask me a question about the brain or anything.

I miss watching Suits. It made me laugh so much. Now there's nothing. There's Dr.who, but Suits is suits. Oooh. There's Downton Abbey. That's a comfort show. I'll watch that.

A part of me wants to be reckless, and watch Downton and eat Soup. But there's no soup. I know if i asked Nd to get it for me, he would. Nd and W2 are really nice. Remind me to do a post about them.

Okay enough. I'll study now. Yuck.

Stupid heart.

Okay, now seriously. What is wrong with my heart? I mean. I've had an exhaustive(exhausting?) day. I studied straight for I don't know how many hours. Yes, i did take a tiny break, well, okay not so tiny break in between, but it felt tiny. But by 1 am i was SO exhausted, and headachy that I couldn't take another word in. So Nd brought McDonald's, i took two panadols, watched Suits with Nd and W2. And felt all happy and relaxed and ready to sleep. I came to my room, turned the lights off and collapsed into the bed. Ready to sleep. But guess what? It's been 40 minutes. And i can't fall asleep. I'm lying down and my hearts going all THUD THUD THUD THUD. And I'm like. SHUTUP. But no. It keeps going on that way. And I can't sleep. And on top of that, there's this stupid movie quote stuck in my head. Its about this guy/girl who is talking to another guy/girl about how as long as two people can laugh together in a relationship, it means they've still got it. Love or something. I don't know. And then the guy/girl also talks about how his/her parents still laugh about little things. Yeah so that's all i remember, and I tried googling it, but I can't find anything. And it's driving me insane. I've asked s1. So let's see if she remembers. If any of you can help me, please do.

So yeah. Its 3:40 am. And I'm up. Wide awake. I don't want to study. Because my brain shut itself down hours ago. It's just my stupid body that - oh whatever. So since I'm up, I'd rather write about useless things than lie in bed with my stupid shouting heart.
Okay. So. I'm wearing socks. Toe socks. Purple and white ones. They're kind of stupid. I bought them from some place stupid. And i never wore them because they made my toes feel weird. But i wore them again today. And they feel so nice and snug and nice. So I like them now. And they match with my shirt. So. Cool.

Also. I had a laughing fit today. A hysterical one. I was quite dead-like and headachy, so i called N for the third time today. And for no reason at all, we started laughing. The conversation wasn't even that funny. And I laughed so much, that i couldn't take anymore of it and hung up. It's cool cuz only yesterday, I was washing my hands and i wondered about the last time i laughed like that. And today, i did again. So. Good for me.

Um What Else. There was this word in my book today. Fascia of Zuckerkandl. What the hell? I want to pronounce it like Zucker-candle. But I'm sure it's wrong. This word is just wrong. First, Zucker reminds me of Zuckerberg, so it's hard to pair anything other than Berg with Zucker. And second, whats with having three consonants all in a row? So whatever. It's Zucker-candle for me.

OmG its 3:53, i should try to sleep again. If s1 reads this, she'll be like. STOP HAVING SO MUCH CAFFEINE. But i don't think i'm taking too much caffeine. I really don't. I mean. Its less than what i used to take before. So. Mehh.

Urgh. I'm going to lie down again.

THUD THUD THUD. 

It's still there. Tsk.

p.s. I wish I had the decency to change all my 'i's into 'I's.

Rant 4.

What's up with everybody being asleep right now? Its only 2:18 a.m. I've got to stay up to finish this Godforsaken chapter on Reproduction, and it's going and on and on and on and .. you get the point.
Why is everybody asleep? All my stupid people are asleep. S1 is asleep. s2 has conveniently turned her phone off. N is asleep, or almost asleep. And well, who else is there? I don't know. There are other people, but i am not interested in talking to them right now. WHY DO PEOPLE SLEEP AT NIGHT? I hate it. I really do. This whole sleeping thing. I mean. Yuck.
Problem is, I'm having kind of a panic attack right now. I can try and reason myself out of it. But oh i don't know. I don't feel like being too reasonable right now. I want to have a good laugh with someone. And eat good food. Which i can't. Because my khala made me a multi-layered paratha in the evening and my stomach is still not over that. So.
I don't know what to do.

I could ignore everything and watch Dr.who and comfort myself. But that would be very stupid. And very very bad for me in the long run. So i won't do it. But I WANT COMFORT. :(

OmG. I am whiny.
Shit.

I also want to use colour pencils. Freshly sharpened colour pencils. I want to colour. Something.

*Owls.

There are way too many mosquitoes in my room. Why oh why? I just sprayed a ton of mosquito spray in my room, and I think i can almost taste it on my tongue. Yuck. But the mosquitoes still won't die. Immortal little shits.

Went out with N and her boy D today. It was fun. Got myself a new pair of jeans and a nice shirt with an owl on it. Why are owls so in these days? I bought N a shirt too. I don't mind spending money on her. Because I know she wouldn't mind spending on me either. We had pizza and my favourite cookies too.

Okay I don't have anything else to write.


fail.

(New dreams on the dream page. )

Dad 1.

When s2 left for the City, about 4 years ago, it was really hard on me. I cried the entire day. And the next day too. That next day, my parents called me to their room. I was still crying. Dad made me sit next to him, put his arm around me, patted my shoulder, wiped my tears, kissed me on the cheek and told me that everything was going to be alright.

And my dad is not the hugging talkative type. He's really not.

P.s. I titled it as Dad 1 because I have a feeling that there are more to come.

Roads we choose.

I feel stupid, and emo-like. I don't like feeling like that. But then who does?

 Well, actually, some people do. That self pitying miserable mopey lot that has become so used to playing the Victim in life, that they refuse to be anything else. No matter how hard you try to help them. They won't accept it. They'll dig up problem after problem after problem from their self created Landfill of problems and dump it on you one by one, or all at once if they're in a particularly cheerful mood. And, you, the ever empathic friend, will try to help them out, like you should. You will listen to them, talk to them, give them advice, heck you'll even come up with a magic solution , put it on a plate, add a cherry on top, and serve it to them, but no. That still won't do. Because that is not what they want. That is not what they're looking for. Try telling them that you understand. No, they won't have that either. How can you ever understand what I'm going through? Don't tell me you do. You know nothing. Oh then don't come to me if I know nothing. They don't want your advice, or your help, or anything kind of optimistic input from you, what they really want is your stupid pity and your 'oooh you have so many problems, ooh you're so brave to be dealing with all these unsolvable problems, ooooh you're so cool and mysterious, oooh i can't imagine...' well you get the point. And then you have the Enablers, who will say exactly the kind of stuff that encourages this stupidity. I mean, these people, they get a sort of, sense of achievement from this. As if, having more problems, or having a suckier life than you somehow makes them better than you maybe? Or, i don't know, makes them feel like a hero or something inside, subconsciously. I can't really explain it.  Problem is, they just like their black bubble of pessimism. Its cozy. It's comfortable. It's black. And they love it. And no matter what you do or say, that is where they'll stay.

Point is, (yes, there is a point to all of this - i think), I'm not one of those people. I like being happy. I enjoy being at peace with myself.  And that's my natural state of being. My bubble, is light blue. And airy. Like it's supposed to be. I mean, everyone has problems. I do too. Who doesn't? And i have bad days, like everyone else. Black days too. But i get out of it. Because it's ugly, being in that sad miserable state where you don't like anything or anyone. It annoys me. And i don't like staying in it any longer than i have to, no matter how tempting it is to eat like a dog and stay under your blanket forever until all your problems go away. We all do it once in a while, and it's alright, as long as you do intend to get back on your feet again after you've had your vacation from reality.

Anyway, I've been sort of stuck in a weird dull blurry grey phase lately. And it's bothering me. I know why i feel the way i do, and i know what will make it better. But you can't always have what you want, when you want it. There are factors to be considered. So yeah. Stuck. And annoyed. Which, i think was the point of this post originally. Since i couldn't do anything else, I decided to rant about it. And listen to Grace Kelly by Mika. It makes me happy. The weirdest songs can make you happy sometimes.

I think that is all for now.

p.s. The post title is a song I'm listening to right now.

On dreams.

I've been having the weirdest dreams lately. I mean, my dreams are almost always weird, verging on bizarre, but these dreams, the ones I've been having lately are a different kind of weird. They're long. And twisted. And so complicated. And. It's like. My brain picks out all kinds of dormant shit from years ago, stuff i don't even remember, or stuff lying so deep in my sub conscience that i don't even know it's there, mixes it all up, tops it up with some of my latest thoughts and experiences, tosses it upside down once again just for kicks, and presents it to me while I'm sleeping. I mean, it's really something.

Like, the other day, I laughed in my dream again. The next day, i had the shittiest dreams, in the middle of which, i had a flying dream. And flying dreams are always so real and awesome and exhilarating. But it felt so out of place. Because, well, it felt out of place. And then there was the ugly snake dream. It was like one of them huge ass snakes from the Anaconda movie. Idiotic movie btw. But it was like that. Ick.

And last night. Last night was shit. I woke up, and my mind almost felt exhausted. I felt like I'd been dreaming all night. There was an army psychoanalyst and weird experiments and long  discussions that I didn't even understand, and a friend that i haven't spoken to in more than a year, and my old school and whatnot. I tried to write it down but i didn't know where to start and how to put it in words. And all my dreams are like that these days. Random twisted video clips joined together to form an exhaustively long and nonsensical movie.

I'm going to start reading The interpretation of dreams. Let's see what Freud has to say. I love my dreams, but I never think much about what they might mean. Who knows, right? But since I'm so interested in the subject, I'm going to read it anyway.

Ah whatever.

I'm going to go to the terrace for a walk. I am in love with the sky. It's crazy beautiful.

Thinking out loud.

Alright.
Let's see.
I've made mom and dad breakfast. The cleaning lady is here. She'll do the dishes. And she'll clean s1's room. Mom's out of bed. Dad's still home. When he leaves, I'll go downstairs and be around mom and see how she's feeling. s1 will be home soon. I think. Yes. She should be home now actually. Why isn't she? I should text her. Just texted her. Have to go meet Md today. But since s1 is still not home, i don't think she'll be ready by 4. Oh she's here.
Okay so. She's pissed off. Had to wait seventy minutes for the driver. Haha. Anyway. She is so tired. I don't know if she'll be able to get ready by 4 at all. She said she's sleep deprived and what not. I will ask her about the plan in a while. Okay. She asked me to tell mom about the plan. But there's this thing though. Mom's not well.I don't think it's okay to leave her alone at the house while we go out. I just texted this to s1. Let's see what she has to say. I don't think we'll go today. Md will be mad. Because we've already cancelled the plan once. Things always keep coming up. Eh.
I should go donwstairs. Cuz Dad just left i think. I just sneezed. And that's worth mentioning why? I don't know.
So okay. Oh s1 replied. Let's see. Yes she agrees. So we'll go on Monday then. After I come back from the wedding. Ah, the wedding. I so don't want to go. But i have to go. I should go. B has been nice to us. And I should go to her wedding. It's going to be a drag but I'll just have to push through it. I have to pick out clothes for myself today. I know what I'm wearing on the Mehendi. Need to find clothes for the Baraat. I'm sure I'll find something.
Argh. Why did s1 leave her clothes on the sofa like that? I will pick them up.
I will take a shower. Have some coffee, and start studying. And i will watch Prometheus on the side. I'm sure it's not the kind of movie that would require my full attention.
Is there anything else on my mind? Let's see. Hmm.
I just think I study so much better at the hostel. But. Oh well. Gain some, lose some.
I am going downstairs now.

Oh. And I want this cake.

Bullets 6.

(Dream page updated. From now on, everytime i update that page, i'll make a '*' next to my post title.)

* I have realized that I am not Bipolar. I am Multipolar.

* Even after studying absolutely nothing for a test, i have trouble
accepting failure. I always expect myself to pass, no matter what. And
when i don't, i feel surprised.

* Sting + cold coffee + junk food. I love my unhealthy diet. Ew.

* Anchor is still needed.

* I once ate chocolate mousse that tasted like balloons. I like how
balloons taste, and coins too.

* I need to be more..moral.

* I don't like being obligated to do things. I'm a free spirit. I like
doing things only because I want to do them, and not because i am
obligated to. Obligations make me rebellious.

* I have been imparting a lot of my wisdom lately. Haha. People seem
to always be in need of it.

* I wonder when the entire floaty, leaf in the wind feeling will stop.
Will it ever stop? I don't even know if i want it to stop. But maybe i
do. I don't know.

* I read 'and then there were none'. I enjoyed it.

* My exams ended. I don't know what to do with my freedom though. I
got back home last night. It's wintery here. And that makes me feel so
much better about everything.

* I've been going in and out of sleep since the last twelve hours. I
have dreamt so much, my brain's exhausted. I traveled to China and
Vegas and a hotel called 'Hollywood Adventure Hotel', and had coffee at
it's rooftop. Weird dream.

* Since s1's not home, and the parents are sleeping, oh- i even
dreamed about the woman sitting next to me on the bus yesterday.
Interesting.. Hmm. Anyway. So. Since the parents are sleeping, i think
i'll go get something from the fridge and watch a movie.

* I sometimes like the word 'Smithereens'.

* I went out with my friends for lunch. I sometimes forget how crazy they are. They surprise me with their craziness. I do sometimes feel kind of like an outsider. But then, i guess that's bound to happen when you've moved away from all your friends. Somethings never change, while other things do. Oh well.

Byebye. That is all.

Anchor.

I need an anchor. I am not going to get into details about what exactly i mean by needing an anchor, and why i need it. But i badly need it.

Arthur and Me.

Regarding a movie called Arthur:

(this happened on texts):

*Me: Have you seen that movie, Arthur?
*N : Nope.
*Me: Well, i've seen it. And i've realised that I'm kind of like Arthur and everyone else is Hobson.
*Me: Please watch that movie just to understand this reference.
*N: LOL sure, will do.
*Me: Thank you, and do it soon so we can laugh about it.
*N: Lol okay, will do.

Titanium dreams.

Can't stop listening to Boyce Avenue's cover of this song.

I feel kind of happy and at peace today. It has been long.
The weather's better. My exam went alright. I had subway. Bought chocolates for a junior who did some work for me. Slept well. And now I'm up wasting time. I feel good.

*New dreams on the dream page!

Bullets 5.

*I'm back at the hostel. And the hostel has a way of making me feel a weird kind of lonely. I miss my mom a lot today. It was her birthday yesterday. She's so cute. The cutest and craziest.

*Its 4 a.m and the roomies are asleep. I'm up. As usual. Every time i come back to the hostel after vacations, this room feels way too blue. The carpet, curtains, walls. Everything's blue. And every time i come back, i say the same thing 'shit this feels so weird. This room is so blue. Has it always been this blue? This room is too blue'. And my roomates just stare at me.

*I'm annoyed because i have a problem on my mind that needs to be dealt with as soon as possible. And until i do that, i'm going to stay annoyed. I will figure it out in the morning. Something will have to be done about it. I think i'm going to go sleep in an hour.

*I've been feeling a certain, exploding kind of love for my parents lately. I don't know how else to describe it. It's just. Exploding.

*I am going to blog more regularly now that i'm back here. It helps to write stuff down. I always write all my thoughts down. Somewhere. Even if i erase them a minute later, i do write them. Gives me clarity. And God knows, i need clarity.

*Roomate's alarm just went off for Fajr. Her alarm is the Azaan. Interesting. I will wake her up again, in a while.

*I should get back to studying.

Bullets 4.

* I've become a little obsessed with reading blogs lately. I miiight be sort of living vicariously through all them blogs, but that also might not be the case. Maybe I just like reading what people have to write. I've also started reading 'Doctors' by Erich Segal. I'm hoping for it to motivate me to study harder.

* I have realized that my indifference to what goes on in other people's lives actually encourages a large number of them to confide in me all the more. The rest of them, think of me as cold and unfeeling. A little harsh don't you think? If you ask me, I say that just because I do not constantly prod people for juicy details about their lives out of respect for their privacy does not mean I do not give a shit (most of the times I actually don't) about them. But since there is such a thin line between the two, I can hardly blame them for judging me so.

* The other day, I went out for a drive with the parents and s1. I mentioned to mom my craving for Candy floss in the middle of a conversation. Today, mom got it for me. Bought it while she was out of town this afternoon, and brought it all the way back. Awww. :')


* By the way. My best friend of 8 years, N, I owe her my sanity. I love taking her for granted. She puts up with me. She takes me out for shopping. She buys me Top Pops. She makes me good coffee in the middle of the night. She does not mind it when she tells me a long story and i reply with 'Okay'. She cooks for me. She pisses me off. She downloads Disney movies for me, to 'complete my childhood'. She puts up with all my tantrums. She keeps reminding me that I am not awesome. (which i am btw). She cancels on other friends if i make a plan with her. And she is just. Always. There. Just thought I'd write that down for record's sake.


* I'm on a break. From studying. Even though I can't afford it. But to be able to study, I need to be in a good mood. I eat good food, I sleep, I talk to people, I watch a movie. All that, and then i sit down to study. Oh and coffee too. How did I forget about coffee? Weird. I'm having too much coffee these days. Not cool.

* Is it really really weird of me that I am actually looking forward to going back to the hostel? I mean. That doesn't mean I want to leave home. But since I know, and have accepted the fact that I have to go to the hostel, the notion of it does not seem so bad. I am looking forward to setting up a proper routine, managing my budget, going out to buy groceries and all that shit. I'm looking forward to that.

* Okay so I am in love with Rumi these days. What is up with that guy? I need to read more of his work. But check this out:

Do you know what you are?
You are a manuscript oƒ a divine letter.
You are a mirror reflecting a noble face.
This universe is not outside of you.
Look inside yourself;
everything that you want,
you are already that.”

I don't know. Something about this quote. Especially that last line. 'Look inside yourself, everything that you want, you are already that'. Love.


* Why do people tag me in weird pictures saying 'Goodluck for your exams' with an image of a cartoon on it holding a ton of books on its head, and then tag a bunch of other people too, that I share a class with (people with profile pictures of Hanna Montana and the likes) but do not want to add on my facebook, and will have to hide from once they add me saying 'm ur class fellow' and then confront me at college about why I 'have not allow me on Eff Bee?' Hmm? Tell me. Why? I'd un-tag myself but apparently, it's considered rude. Whatever.


* I do not like shopping for other people. Its like torture. I like giving them what I bought for them. That's the good part. But the shopping? No.

* I CANNOT wait for Winters. Too much to look forward to. Come soon pliss. Oh, which reminds me. I got to drench myself in rain twice in the past week. Once at 3.am. Heavenly.

* It has been long since I last had a good conversation with someone. People talk shit these days.

* Need to watch a movie that blows me away. ALSO, weird, but I'm also kinda looking forward to meeting my roomies again. Weird. I surprise myself. Which reminds me. I had a sleepover at my friend's place. With 6 of my friends. It was amazing.

I think I am going to make noodles for my self now.
Toodles.

Every time it rains.

If I were a poet, I would write a poem every time it rained.
If I were a dancer, I would dance every time it rained.
If I were a musician, I would compose a song every time it rained.
If I were a painter, I would paint a masterpiece every time it rained.

If I were the head of a cannibalistic tribe, I would offer a human sacrifice every time it rained.
If I were a serial killer, I would plot a murder every time it rained.
If I were a robber, I would plan a master theft every time it rained.
If I were a prison warden, I would come up with a new way to torture my inmates every time it rained.


But.

I'm Me. And I sit on my porch and write shit on my phone every time it rains.

Nano.

I love my nano.

She's the only living grand parent i have.

Yet I'm not very close to her. I've never properly hugged her. Never lied down in her lap. Never had her put oil in my hair. Never fallen asleep to her goodnight stories. Never had a real discussion with her or talked to her about anything at length. Never been told off about anything by her. Never eaten anything handcooked by her. Never helped her walk to the washroom. Never cleaned up after her. Never had a picture taken with her. Never made her feel warm and awesome.

But i've had my hand kissed by her every single time i've been to see her. I've sat with her for hours listening to her tell me stories about her youth. I've listened to her talk to me about politics. I've had her point out to me that i had gained weight and that i should never let myself gain weight. I've fallen asleep next to her. I've always gotten eidi from her even if it was a fifty rupee note. I was named by her. She calls me her 'sher' and 'bahadar bachi', God only knows why. She also thinks i'm some kind of special. And that i'm the only one in the family with 'faizi ilm'. (Don't even know what that means exactly.) And that i will go far in life. And no matter how exaggerated that sounds, it makes me feel warm and awesome.

And i do love her. But i've never told her that. Or spent enough time with her to let her know it. I hope, that by some miracle, she does know it. But i don't think she does.

Oh well.

Rehab.

Coffee always makes me want to blog. Coffee, and a good song.
Its 5 am. I plan on staying up for another 5 hours. Need to study.

I'm on a self rehabilitation project. That includes sleeping less, eating less, more coffee, getting back in touch with myself, less texting, studying more, helping mom with chores, wanting less, being less lazy and less selfish.

Today was Day 1. Not bad. What helps me, is the fact that I've accepted that it's going to be hard in the beginning. It's going to be hard breaking my stupid habits at first, but it's going to get easier along the way. Soon, good habits will replace bad habits. And I shall become a better person. In time.

s1's not well. Me and s2 can't stop making fun of her. It's fun being mean.

I am at war with Biochemistry.

A girl's profile picture on facebook said 'Bride to be'. I don't even..uhh.

kbye.

Ideas.

I have all these ideas in my head. I'd give anything to be able to channel them out. In whatever form. It makes me miserable, not being able to.

Rant 3.

I've got a number of problems.

I have been sleeping all day. Sd did not come for our study session today. She didn't come yesterday either. I was glad she didn't. But i realize now, that her not coming over to my place at eleven in the morning when I'm drugged with sleep, means no studying for me the entire day. Her not coming over, means me staying in bed till 4 pm. Dragging myself around the house. Dozing off every now and then, till my head and eyes hurt. Finally making coffee after midnight, only to waste the caffeine induced energy doing something that does not even require energy. Like watching a movie that I don't even want to watch. And then finally opening my book and staring at it all the while thinking of matters entirely unrelated to the GIT, which is what I'm trying to study since i first started studying (started trying studying, or whatever). This keeps happening until 4 or 5 am in the morning when i ultimately decide how pointless everything is, close my book, and think myself off to sleep.

What will I do with myself?

The problem is,
I do not study unless I'm forced to, for one reason or another. I need a driving force. I need motivation. But. I don't know where to get it from. Or what form of it i exactly need. I can talk to myself and have a mug of coffee, but that only lasts for fifteen minutes, after which I'm back to square one. I always seem to find something else to do, or think about. Always. Studying, just does not seem to be the most important thing to do. At any time. Which is wrong. Because I'm awfully scared about my exams, which are in a month, and which i am not in the least prepared for. I need to build my concepts. That takes time. I am wasting all the time I have. Soon, there will be no time. Then, I shall panic. I go crazy, when i panic. But that's also when I study the most. But since by that time, there's no time, all the studying I do, doesn't help all that much. Bleh.

From now on, I'll be referring to the city where my college, hostel, and Khala's place is, as the City. And the city where my home is, as the Home.
Speaking of which, I might be going back to the City for a few days. Is it totally weird that I miss the City? When I'm there, I miss Home. When I'm home, i usually do not miss the City, except this time. This time, I kinda miss the City. Doesn't mean, i want to leave Home. No. Home is awesome. But i also, miss the City. City is pretty cool.

I find the Television depressing. The TV shows, the news, the morning shows, the comedy shows, the cooking shows, the ads, everything. Its pathetic. Despicable, more like. Yep, that's the word. Despicable.

Btw, My mom's started treating me like a sick person. She keeps feeding me food. Milk, milkshakes, milk with honey, parathay, eggs, fried stuff, and more and more and more food. Oh. And mangoes. Ten thousand of them. It's killing me. But she is very cute. I find it funny when she gets mad at me for not eating. Ah. Cute.

Also, since I dream so much. I'm going to make another page on my blog. In which i shall write all my dreams that I find absurd. Have fun.

Cockroach rant.

Why are cockroaches so big? I mean. What need do they have for that size? That freakin HUGE ass size? Why can't they be small, and mind their own business like other normal insects? Actually, no insect minds it's own business. Which is why i hate them. All of them. Insects. Yuck.
My house, is, at the moment, INFESTED with roaches, and i hyperventilate every time i see one. Actually, hyperventilating is the least i do. I freak out, and scream and run for my life. And I do not normally scream. I am not the screamy shrieky kind of person.
I HATE THEM.
They freak me out, with their blackness and their feelers and their weird hairy legs. And I mean. Did you know, they have teeth in their stomach? Teeth like things actually. It's called a Gizzard. YUCK.
AND WHY DO THEY FLY? EWW.
Why are they so quick? And. I mean. Ew. The way they move. They don't walk. They scurry. Its creepy. And they think they own the world. They walk and sit and fly anywhere they want like their dad paid for it. Whether it be behind a dustbin or on top of my frikkin plate. >.<
I hate them. I hate them. I hate them.
And i will DIE if my mom doesn't do anything about them tomorrow while i'm at my friend's place. I will DIE.

I WILL DIE!

Brand New Day.

I'm pretty sure I wrote a post by the same name last year. And it must have been during the time I was watching Lie to Me. And I'm watching it again these days and i LOVE the OST.

I need to break out, and make a new name. Let's open our eyes, to a brand new day. Its a brand new day.

Aaah. Love.

I made myself the awesomest sandwich last night for Sehri. Pepperoni and smoked chicken fillets with thin cucumber slices, thousand island and some mayo. YUM.

I'm going to make coffee now, and watch the Last Samurai with it.
I find the Batman series depressing. Batman is always so depressed and conflicted and dark. Takes out the superhero aspect from it. Bleh.

Five things.

1. Why are cockroaches so big?

2. Lobsters are like giant cockroaches. I will never eat a lobster.

3. there's nothing better than taking a shower. With cold water. Therapeutic.

4. Never add white Horlicks to your tea as an experiment. It will taste like pasta. (Believe it or not). And no one likes to drink pasta.

5. I miss Msn messenger, and talking to people till 5 a.m in the morning. That kind of thing doesn't happen anymore. Where are those people?

Need to find a name for posts like these.

The following post is random and haphazard. Try and keep up.

College is over.
Been more than a week since I'm home. N left yesterday. Had one hell of a week here at home. I don't know why all my friends get along so well with my family. N came and took over. My mom, who is not easily pleased, at all, keeps telling me she misses N now that she's gone. She's a fan. We watched movies, went out, sneaked out while the Parents were out of city, ate like monsters, slept like dogs, laughed like a couple of retards and pretty much wasted ourselves the entire week. Aah. Fun. I even helped her cook. Lasagne. Yum-may!

Anyway. Now that the fun week's over, i need to make a routine. I need to start studying. For my exams in September. Today, I'm going to a dinner. Going to meet all my friends. And also other people who i don't know. Going to wear s2's blue dress that I've been wanting to wear since so long now. I haven't even tried it on. And omG. 4 new messages on my cellphone, and I've hardly written two paragraphs. Weird. Lemme check. Okay. Three texts from W. One from the friend whose dinner I'm going
to. Confirming the time. Okay.

The light just came back. Yay.

I finished Girl who played with Fire. Read more than 200 pages yesterday. Couldn't put it down. Started Girl who kicked the hornet's nest this morning. Watching Girl with the dragon tattoo, the movie, right now. Its not an easy movie to watch. Violent. Sort of. I had a good breakfast today. Popcorn-chicken sandwich. I ran on the treadmill last night. What a rush exercise gives you. Need to incorporate it into my routine. Which I've yet to make. Routine, i.e.

s1's obsessed with Minesweeper.

My stomach hurts. I need to buy birthday presents for a whole bunch of people. It's killing me. I need to organize things. I have no idea where I spent my pocket money of this month. It's all gone. Well, almost gone. My ATM card's lost. Need to block that and get a new one made. Need to get my old sim back. Need to do so many things. Need to get off my lazy ass and start getting things done.
Shit my stomach hurts.

s1's watching The Last Samurai.

s1 whines about me being inaccessible most of the times. I don't think I'm inaccessible. I just sort of. Get lost sometimes. Most of the times actually. In my thoughts. Haha. Dramatizing, i am. Forget it.
AAAAH. WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY STOMACH. Urgh.

Okay btw.

I Hate it when people over react to things. Hate it when people post pictures of babies on their facebook. They all look the same. Hate it when people lie unnecessarily. Hate it when my stupid class fellows add me on Facebook with this message:

buddy accept ma request, what happened, forgot that biochem vivas company [:(]

I once revised some questions with her before a viva. I don't dislike her, but dude please. Hate Two and a half men. HATE it. Hate it when Daewoo hostesses act like they're doing you a favor when you ask them for water.

Okay this post wasn't supposed to be a hate post. Whatswrongwithme.

Anyway. I've been dreaming a lot. Again. There are stretches, where I don't remember most of my dreams. But then there are times like the present, where i dream a billion dreams every night and remember each and every one of them, in detail. Last night, I had a dream that I think easily qualifies as one of the worst dreams I've had in a long time. It was such a perfect mixture of everything that I hate, am scared of, feel uncomfortable with, or am grossed out by. Like my brain deliberately concocted it for me. Perfect mixture of evil. -_____- Stupid.

I would love to live alone for sometime. I'm sure I've talked about it before on my blog but I just want to say it again. I want to live on my own for sometime. In a nice little flat. Somewhere, where it's cold all year. A month of summer would do. I'd love to work on something I like all day, research maybe. And work at it until my back hurts. And then I'd like to collapse on the bed. Around midnight. I'd take the weekends off. And enjoy myself. Okayenoughofthedaydreaming.

I'll go now.
Ah. Blogging is therapy. Seriously.

Silversun pickups.

These last few days of college have been great. No lectures. No attendance issues.
I'm living with my Khala these days. Nd asked me to come live here since no one else was at home, and my Khala needed some company. I gladly agreed, considering how unlivable hostel had become lately. It's like living in a Steam room. And then, having to study for your final Brain stage in the steam room. Is torture. More like death really. So. Yeah. I packed up my bags, (tiny little red bag actually), and came here. And it's been awesome. I have this room to myself. This awesome little air conditioned room. (Wapda has forgotten all about the whole load shedding thing. Since i've come here. OMG). I eat my awesome little breakfast every morning. Little kebab sandwich with coffee. I study when I want to. I sleep when i want to. I go down for yummy home made food when i want to. And all i'm left with is my final Brain Viva tomorrow. Last test of the year. (Excluding the sendups and profs which are yet to come, ofc). Then Holidays. YAY. And the best part? Bestfriend N is coming to stay for a week. So we're both going home together. YAY again.
Too much to be glad about.
I watched Thor yesterday. Loved it. I don't know why. But i did. It was so entertaining. Asgard was so pretty. I keep relating it to this song that I recently heard. Its from Game of Thrones apparently, which I haven't watched. Called the Rain of Castamere. I'm in love.
Something else that I'm in love with, is Silversun Pickups. The Band. It's perfect for me these days. Perfect background study music. Quiet music. Cold music. I like.
I miss winters so much. Come already!
S2's coming tonight. She's probably not going to let me study. I should study now. But I don't want to. Basal Ganglia. Mehh.. Who cares.
Okay I'm dying to listen to Anathema right now. But my internet's acting supremely weird. I just had coffee. It was nice. I've also realized. That I love hot coffee. Cold coffee just doesn't match up to it. No matter how yummy. I'm trying to steal the neighbor's wifi. But that's creating issues too. SOMEBODY LET ME LISTEN TO ANATHEMA PLISS. Argh.

YAY. Neighbour's wifi ftw. Bless them.
Umm. On a side note. I want Galaxy s3 again. I know I shouldn't. I know that i had it and lost it. But now i want it again. And I can't help it. I just WANT MY PHONE BACK. *sniff* There's an s3 shaped hole in my heart. That no e72 can fill. Heh. Okay. Enoughofthedrama.

I need to buy new t-shirts. Badly.
At times I'm unhealthily optimistic.

I will do a picture post soon. It's been really long. Well part of the reason is, that my camera's memory card is stuck in my laptop. IN my laptop. Not in the memory card slot, but somewhere inside my laptop's inner insides. -___- Don't ask me how that happened. It just did. It sucked my memory card in. So I have stopped taking pictures. Bleh.

Okaybye. Brain awaits.

A bi-polar post.

I like the sound of water falling.
Rain, waterfall, shower, tap, anything.
It refreshes me. Mentally.

Nestle's cold coffee is not bad.
I kept it in the freezer too long.
Now it's frozen.

There are days when you wake up in the morning.
And you know your day is going to suck.
Today was one of those days.
I survived. I'm glad.

I hate losing my temper.
I never shout, no, but i do get all serious and weird.
I always feel like such an idiot later.

I want my cellphone to beep today.
Its not beeping.
Why it is not beeping?

You don't always have to be able to relate to a song.
Or a movie, or a book.
In order to be in love with it. No you don't. I don't.

I've realized, and accepted that people are not permanent.
They come, and go.
You just have to deal with it.

And now i need to talk about something, that is definitely going to exceed three lines. Okay. I do NOT get how people just judge other people based on how 'religious' they are. I do not understand this concept. I literally don't. How do you judge? Who exactly are you to judge? How is their religion any of your business? Do you know their life story? Do you know what they do or think or believe in their hearts and minds? Do you think you're qualified to go preach your opinions to them? Do you think they're interested? Did you ask? Did you consider it important enough to ask? Is your meaning of 'religious' the same as theirs? Does it even matter to you if it isn't? What does being 'religious' mean anyway? Is there any one definition? I believe not. Lets see. One guy. Prays five times a day. Check. Recites the Quran. Check. Beard. Check. Shalwar kamiz (shalwar above the ankles). Check. Check check check. Religious enough for you? Sure. Okay. Same guy. Blows up a mall at night. Religious? Not so much? No? Did you know? Could you judge? I don't think so.
I hate how people just make their minds up about other people like that. The stupid, baseless judgements they pass. I hate it. I just really really do. And I've seen it happen too much lately. And it pisses me off every single time. Its nauseating.

Okay. That's about it. I'm done.
Funny how this post is so. Bi-polar. Yep, that's what the title is going to be.

Gotta go study Neuroanatomy now. Yuck.

Bullets 2.

I made tea today. And then sprinkled coffee over it. Overdid it a little. Wasn't so bad.

I love my new green towel. It's the softest. I want to hug it.

I lost my brand new Galaxy s3 four days after i bought it. Let'snottalkaboutit.

Nd buys me novels. Without me having to ask for them. It's like I have an awesome free supply of all the books i want to read. He just gets them for me. I love that. Reading, Girl who played with fire, these days.

I'm desperate to pass my Biochemistry viva and test. And my upcoming Brain substage, and then the Stage. Plisspliss.

My stomach's acting weird towards caffeine, as if i've never had it before. And towards mangoes. Weird.

This time next month, i'll be home. Ah. Joy.

Hugh jackman looks really good in Real Steel. The kid in that movie is fun.

I need to discipline myself. In every aspect. Really really need to. Things are getting out of control again.

I had a dream, in which i had a dream in which 6 cats, in my living room kept staring at me in the middle of the night. Creepy.

I'm reading a lot of blogs these days. Silently though. Which isn't too nice, i know. But at least i'm reading them. So, yeah. Okay.

Bunking goodfornothing lectures with W is fun. We talk a lot. A LOT. And it's fun.

I stole this really comfy shirt from s2 the other day. It has black and gray stripes on it. I love it.

I have flu. Since. Forever. I think. It's permanent.

The cafe downstairs serves this rice dish called Masala rice. I have reason to believe that they drug it. It hasn't been once that i had a plate of masala rice and not fallen asleep right after i got done. Not even once. So yeah. More like. Charsi rice. Beleev yoo me.

I want to laugh really really hard right now.

Alright bye.

Conversations: me and s2

Stalking someone online with s2:

Me: man, marry him. He's your t
ype.

S2: hahah. He does write good.

Me: i know. Marry him.

S2: but he looks too young.

Me: but he isn't.

S2: yaar. Koi goatee type rakh leta to phir bhi.

Me: Haan to kher hai. Tum rakhwaa lena na.

S2: hahahaha. Ok. :)

The purposeless post.

Great. First my head hurt, so did my mouth (mouth sores :( ). My wrists hurt because of bruises of unknown origins. And now my stomach hurts too. If its because of the kababs we ordered from the nearby place, im going to very mad. Because the last time i had normal 'khana' was when i visited home last week and i don't want it to make me sick.
Anyway. Its 4 a.m. Four thirty actually. Its a sunday. Im staying at the hostel because i need to study the Brain for my substage tomorrow. I haven't been able to sleep all night, what with my entire body hurting and everybody dozing off without refilling the air cooler for the night. So, you can imagine. The garmi. The discomfort. The frustration of not being able to sleep. Killing. So i finally got out of bed and decided to fill the damned cooler. And now that its full and functional, im finally lying down comfortably, writing this purposeless post.
I've got to organize my thoughts more. What's wrong with me?
Alright i think i'm done writing my purposeless post. I have nothing more to add.
Oh, except, i got my new phone yesterday. Samsung galaxy s3. Loving it. Okaybye.

We are young.

There's something about this song.

 Its a stupid song. Yet. There's something about it, at 3 a.m in the morning. When you've just swallowed a mug of poisonous hot coffee, in late May, trying to memorize the muscles of the tongue for a viva in the morning that you have no prep whatsoever for. After you've had Naan samosa, and a ten minute scolding from your mom later over the phone for not eating proper khana.

Tonight,
We are young,
So let's set the world on fire, 
so we can burn brighter,
than the sun.

Its a stupid song. Yet. Something about that chorus. Makes you want to sing it at the top of your lungs.  When you're around your People. When you go crazy with them. When you go reckless with them. When you laugh with them, after so long, and so hard, that your jaws, stomach, and head hurts. When you go out to have breakfast at McDonald's and watch the sun rise on your way. When you don't care about what/when you eat or sleep. All you care about it having a good time, with your people. Because after those few couple of days, precious days, you're going to go back on autopilot. For everyday of every week that's ahead of you.

I guess that I
I just thought maybe we could find new ways to fall apart
But our friends are back
So let's raise a cup
Cause I found someone to carry me home

This does not mean that I like this song. Maybe it does. Or maybe, it's just the poisonous coffee, or the muscles of the tongue, or the fact that this song made, for a moment, my very important viva look trivial to me as compared to writing in my blog, which, right now, seems like the most important thing to do.

Its a stupid song nonetheless.

Haywire.

Things have been haywire. Since far too long. But i feel like I'm finally getting things under control now. Over the past few weeks, things have been in sync. Studies, home, sleep. Things have been under control. A few days back, I went reckless and took the bus home with s2 to surprise everyone. Mom was ecstatic. I don't regret it. Took days off from college, which definitely puts my attendance in jeopardy but I still don't care. It was worth it. I got to meet with a cousin of mine who(whom?) i hadn't talked to in ages. It was good to meet him. And my Nano. Played Tabboo till late last night with friends and cousins. Fun. Now I'm back at the hostel. For the first time in almost 2 years, I'm having roommate issues. And I'll have to say, it sucks. I miss the comfort of my non-awkward, non-issue room. But I can't really help things. Maybe I'm too stubborn. Maybe I'm right. I don't know. All i can do for now, is what feels right. And that's that.

My throat is messed up. Blocked, itchy, painful, dry. But I'm taking my meds, so I'm hoping it won't get any worse. I have my Biochemistry Practical - Viva tomorrow. I'm still reading the first experiment. There are a billion more to go. But i do have time. It's only 8. Ive been watching Sherlock lately. Season 2. And ah, how i LOVE that show. I love love love Sherlock Holmes. Its one of those things I obsess about a little. Like Titanic. Cumberbatch is awesome. So was Richard Roxburgh. But Robert Downey? NOH PLISS. I'll never see him as Sherlock Holmes. No sir. Anyway. Every time Sherlock dies, I cry. Can't help it. Movie, tv show, book. I well up whenever he dies. But I'm glad they chose to not kill him in Sherlock. The part where Dr.Watson talks to Sherlock's grave, kills me. It kills meh! Imma watch it again. And shit, I'm just rambling. On and on. Bleh.

 Its 8:12 pm. I need to eat something sweet. I wonder what though. Biscuits with tea maybe. Yeah that'll do.

 Ah. I miss home. I miss my cousins. I miss being at my khala's, going out everyday, eating good food, having good conversation, and laughing at things that are genuinely funny. I need to hang out with N too. Which I don't think is happening anytime soon, since we're both so busy. But I want to. I want to be around My People. Because My People, are nice. And they make me feel good. But then, you can't always have everything. So I guess I'll have to suck it up.

 I've missed blogging.

 And I miss these brownies. That s1 hasn't baked for me since SO long -__- .

Bullets.

• I like Maggie's Chicken flavor so much more than Knorr's.
• I like my new black pumps.
• Suffered a major Sneeze attack today. It exhausted me. I think I'm going to end up taking an anti-allergic everyday.
• I have come to like Nokia e72, which I'm using until i get a new phone. Its nice.
• I somehow feel like if i were to put my eyeball in my mouth, it would taste sour.
• A huge fat cat climbed on my back while i was napping early this morning. I accidentally left the door open. Traumatized me, it did.
• I need a pretty skin for my laptop asap.
• I also want a box of chocolates. One that has all sorts of fancy chocolates with fancy names and descriptions in it.
• I'm watching V for Vendetta again.
• I must confess that I am a little addicted to caffeine.
• I named one of my friends Kevin today. After the huge bird, from the movie Up.
• I'm sleepy. Should I have coffee? I need to make Histology diagrams AND study Anatomy. -_-
• I'm trying to minimize the hours of sleep i get daily.
• I didn't study anything today.
• I just talked to N for more than an hour. Felt good.
• I'm very hungry, and dying to eat a cheese sandwich. But we're out of bread. Kill me. There's nothing to eat.
• I borrowed bread from a friend downstairs and had the cheese sandwich. Except that the bread was brawn bread. And it tasted weird. But at least I'm full.
• I made half of my histo diagram, I'll draw the rest during lectures tomorrow.
• I'm still watching V for Vendetta. Beauty, is what that movie is.
• Its 2 a.m. I shall sleep soon.
• And that is all for today.
• Also, Ive decided..whenever I'm going to do a post like this, I'm going to title it as Bullets. Because thinking of post titles is a pain. Okaybye.

iStudy..not.

I am astonished at my inability to concentrate on my test syllabus for more than 10 seconds. I am astonished. And a little depressed. I had no distractions today. I watched two episodes of Downton, i had a huge mug of coffee, i showered, i was alone at home. No distractions. Had only my book by my side. Yet. I could not study. I read two lines. And then started thinking about the randomest of things. About what stationery i had to pack with me. Which friends I had lost touch with. Which perfume my mom was buying for me today. What drivers still needed to be installed on my laptop. I thought of everything, except Physiology. I tried reading out loud, i tried motivating myself. I tried to just go through the text at least once. But i couldn't. There was always something more important on my mind. Or more interesting. So i decided to just lie back, and think thoroughly about everything that was on my mind. So i could study in peace later. Ha. As if. But I did it anyway. I lied down on my back like a dead person and closed my eyes...and fell asleep. Win. -___- I woke up an hour later. Thought about more trivial matters. Whatsapped with a couple of friends. And then everybody came back home from shopping. Now that I've seen whatever they bought, I'm waiting for the Chinese to get here because I'm starving at the moment. s1 brought movies. I think we're going to watch New Year's Eve tonight. I have zero expectations from that movie. But oh well. That's what being on holiday means right? Staying up late, wasting time, watching shitty movies, eating till you want to puke and sleeping till your head hurts. I think I've gone off topic. Ah. I can't study. I haven't studied. I am deliberately ruining any chance of passing this test. I need to pass this test. BUT I CAN'T MAKE MYSELF STUDY. I haven't studied at all this year. Second year, that is. I just haven't. I've managed to pass my tests, but I haven't given any real time to studying. Haven't properly studied for a single test. Not one. What is wrong with me? =] Okay bye. I've whined enough for the day. P.s. The entire time I was writing this post, Linsdey Stirling's Crystallize kept playing in my head. Just saying.

Downton Abbey.

Oh God, I love Downton Abbey. I love it love it. I'm a sucker for period dramas. :'] Oh, and I spent an hour or two up on my terrace today. The usual. Rain, coffee, music, sky, thoughts. Felt amazing. I should be spending time with mom and dad right now, but i can't stop watching Downton Abbey. So okay bye. Funny. Dad just came and asked me to make him some coffee. As usual. Hah. Cute.

Drive by.

I'm in a good mood this morning. Slept after three in the morning. Yesterday was a goood day. Tiring, but fun. S1's in town. We went out for lunch, got a haircut, that i'm really happy with, bought a set of dominoes, played with that set, attempted to install windows 7(unsuccefully) twice on my new laptop, stayed up till late to drop off someone to the airport. Came back and slept. Woke up today, packed some of my things, had left over prawns and strawberries for breakfast and now i'm on my way to college.

New happy song: Drive by - Train.

Of being tired.

I am tired.

Of this emptiness. That's inside of me. Because of what I've lost. And of what I never had. Of things I want and cannot have. Of an unease. A discontent. A restlessness. Because of this lack of activity. This stagnancy. This slow haze, that life has become. That I don't understand. Of this never ending struggle to stay afloat. To keep my neck above the water. Of this constant urge to block everything out, shut my eyes, and go back to sleep.

I'm just tired.

Warrior.

* I'm finally getting a free lept- LOL. I was about to write 'Leptop'. Hahaha. Anyway. I'm finally getting my free laptop. Shahbaz Sharif, thankyouverymuch. Okabye.

* I'm spending my long weekend at N's. Its 5:04 a.m. We're eating Lays and watching a movie called Warrior. I like wasting myself away at her place. We sleep and eat and watch movies and eat and eat and sleep and talk and eat and then do it all over again.

* Dad agreed to buy me a Galaxy s2. I've decided to wait for s3. Or something of the kind.

* Why do I feel the need to have coffee all the time? My theory. I've lost the will to live and I'm only replacing it with coffee.

That shall be all for today.

Rant 2.

Warning: this might be another rant-only post.

So hi. I hate biochemistry. What's up with all the metabolisms and their enzymes and the regulation of those enzymes and the neverendingness of it all? And what's up with expecting me to learn it ALL in just a few days? No fair. I cant do it, no sir.
Okay. Other than that, I'm confused. I feel like I want my own room. But then getting a cubicle is not that easy. And the entire procedure involves a lot of hassle. And I'm not sure if I want onto through all of that. But I need to make my mind up soon. Allotments aren't far away.
I can't sleep. My head hurts. I can't study. But I can't sleep either. So I feel unfresh.
I'm thankful for barbican and fruit rollups.
And I can't write properly right now cuz s2 wants her phone(which I'm typing on). So whatever. Time to end my haphazard phone. Bye.

R.a.n.t.

I have things on my mind. I have things on my mind. I have things on my mind.
Things that won't let me study for my ugly Biochem test on Metabolism.
And on top of that, I had this ugly dream where my knee was torn and I could see everything inside, and there was weird white stuff in it, and it was SO gross, that the thought of it makes me wasnt to puke. Literally. Im nauseous right now. That image of my torn knee with the weird stuff inside, is stuck in my head, and it won't go away. And i have THINGS ON MY MIND. And N's always busy these days. And I BADLY want a laptop, or a new phone now. I NEED INTERNET. I can't live without it any longer. [In case you're wondering about how i'm blogging if i don't have internet, i should tell you that I'm using s1's laptop, because she's sleeping]. I need a room of my own. Not because I have issues living with the roomies, but because I miss being on my own. I MISS IT. I want my own room already! I WANT. And i can't wait till 3rd year to get it. I want it right NOW.
And Im running out of money.
And I really really need to study. Metabolisms suck!

This is just one of my weaker moments.
But lets get ourselves together now shall we?

YAY.

I passed my First Professional.

When we first found out that the result was out, r1 opened the website, and checked her result first. Saw three green boxes. 'OmG I passed.', she said. No one said anything. Then we typed in r2's roll number. Saw the green boxes. 'Shit I passed too.' She said. No one said anything. Then we typed in my roll number. We saw the green boxes. And THEN, we screamed our heads off. =']

Letting Go.

Very rarely, at the hostel, do I manage to get some Me time. Its one of those times. Me times. r1's out shopping for Lawn. Yeah, summer's just around the corner. And r2's sleeping. I'm in my bed and I have the laptop all to myself. For atleast an hour or so. I just finished this huge bowl of Noodles. Maggie. I added more water than I should've. Diluted out the flavor. Bleh. Atleast I'm full. And that's what matters.

Losing a cellphone that you've had for more than two years, sucks. It really does. All of a sudden, I lost contact with all my people. My sim was gone. I couldn't continuously whatsapp my friends. I couldn't check Facebook whenever I wanted to. I couldn't google every little thing that came up in my head. I couldn't call N after midnight. I couldn't Youtube useless crap before sleeping. I couldn't write down lengthy notes on my awesome Light Notepad app about what was on my mind. More than anything. I couldn't go through my picture gallery of over 2000 images, and go all 'awww. good times :'] '. I just couldn't. Because it was all gone. And that made me sad.

But. It also left me feeling somewhat..liberated. Its interesting how you think you can't do without something, but then when it's taken away. You somehow manage anyway. I've just realized, over the past few weeks, how insignificant so many things that we revolve our lives around are. People, posessions, problems. They're insignificant. They come. They go. They leave a mark. They don't leave a mark. They don't matter as much. I think the only people who matter are those who're going to stick around. Those, you gotta hold on to. Everything else, you have to Let Go. And that's what my plan is. To Let Go of all the unimportant things/people in my life. Not cut them out of my life or throw them away, but to just, not let them matter to me as much. Why worry, yknow? Why waste yourtime on something that's not even worth it? You gotta know the difference. Its not easy though. Especially for a worrier like me. But i'm going to try.

On a lighter note. I miss watching movies. I miss knowing everything there was to know about every new movie that came out. Now, there's no time. I'm watching The count of Monte Cristo right now. Which reminds me of how much in love I am with Little Women. Weird that I haven't even read the book, yet there was something about that movie that just reached out to me. I don't know. I loved it. And that's that.

r2's alarm just went off. I think I need to wrap up now. Don't want to.

Oh btw, home was very homey this time that i visited. I didn't wanna come back. I wanted to spend more time with the Parents. The night before leaving, I felt such strong, overwhelming love for them. Didn't know what to do. So i did nothing. Haha. But no seriously. Ah. Okay. Whatever.

Another thing. I. Have. The. WORST. Memory. Ever.
I mean. I don't even know if its a memory thing. I've just become Careless. And that is an understatement. I've become SO careless with my things, its not even funny. First I lost my phone, which was stolen actually, but if i had kept it in a safe place like any normal person would have, it wouldn't have been stolen, so yeah, sort of my fault. Then I ALMOST misplaced my bag in college today. Left it in a room which is notorious for having stuff stolen from it. And I can't even beign to describe what was in it. Money, Original NIC, and what not. I suck. I almost lost s2's earphones the other day. I lose everything. :( I NEED to focus more. And be more responsible. Enough of the carelessness. -____________-
Somebody shoot me.

I shall go now. I think my tempo's broken.
B.

Chapter 20.

Turned Twenty 53 minutes ago.

Got a nice little day planned for tomorrow. Nothing big, nothing loud.

My friends made collages for me. Really cute ones. Im touched.

I know I'm missing out on a lot of wishes because no one really knows my new number. They're all texting me on my old number, on my old phone, that's stolen and far away. That makes me a little sad. But oh well.

Aah. The twenties.
Here I come.

Of the past two weeks.

A lot happened these past two weeks.

First. My phone got stolen. Today. From the hostel. I can't believe a girl, a student, studying medicine, would actually steal a phone. That's just low.
I feel paralyzed. It had over 2000 pictures in it. Memories. It had notes. That i'd written over time. Happy and sad ones. They're all gone. Just like that. Ah.

We had Literary Week at college, and then Sports Week. It was fun. Because studies were at a minimum. And me and the roomies decided to join the Aerobics group for the Sports day. There was some hardcore last minute practice and guess what. We won. Winning's the best.

Went out a lot this past week. Had good food. Finally went to Joyland and took my favourite rides. The meanest ones. Came back with bruises. Awesome.

Weird things also happened. Which i won't be writing much about. But yeah they did. Annoying things happened, and frustrating things happened. And then I was sad and angry. But oh well. Okay.

Im home btw. Just reached. About an hour ago. Its supposed to be a short trip. I've decided to not expect much from it. My short trip, i.e. I just want it to be short and sweet. And that's that.

Wonderwall.

I don't care how many times i repeat the same happy shit on my blog about how awesome life is. I'm still going to do it.

I'm still going to write about it, because no matter how many times, i say it, it's not enough. Right now, i feel grateful. There's exploding happyness and then there's explosing gratefulness. And i'm experiencing the latter right now.

I'm lucky. I'm lucky to be here right now. To have parents so awesome, they TCS me badminton rackets from back home just because i told them i felt like playing Badminton the other day. To have friends back home who still make an effort to stay in touch. To have managed to find, and actually be friends with the only sane group of girls in my college. To have my khala's place to go to every weekend, to catch up with s2, and take some time off from the hostel/college atmosphere. To finally live in the same city as N so that we're able to hang out and have sleepovers at her place.

God, i'm grateful.

People have forgotten how to be happy. I don't know many happy people. I'm glad i'm happy. Helplessly happy. Like Ayn Rand says,

"Its not that i don't suffer, it's that i know the unimportance of suffering.."

I believe exactly that. You suffer, yes. But why do you have to let it take over you? To let it be more important than all the good things in life? I feel blue. I take my time. I deal with it. And then it goes away. Because i can't take sadness. I hate feeling that way. It's not how one's supposed to feel.

Aah. Anyway.
I gotta go do some work now.
byebye.

P.s. Wonderwall's playing in the background.
And its raining outside.

February.

This is my 300th post. Clapping. Okay. Moving on.

I have the worst flu ever. It started as the usual 5 minute sneeze attack that i get, everytime i get out of bed or go out of the room ( i think it happens because of temperature change). But then, it got worse. And now my forehead and head and nose and everything feels heavy and watery and awful. A friend of mine's making soup for me. Knorr Chicken and Ginger. I hope its good.
So i'll have soup, and then ima go out in search of hot water. I hope i find hot water. Boiling hot water. Scalding hot water.

*after a while*

Okay. I had the soup. My bowl had more ginger than chicken. So r2 gave me some of her's. She had more chicken. So i had it. Then i went to take a shower with only moderatoly hot water. Sad. Had food. And now i'm in bed again. Im going to have coffee soon. Because i need to stay up to complete my Histo diagrams. I want to sleep. I want to sleep all day, and all night, and only wake up for a nice walk outside or a cozy wintery movie. But that's not happening. So. Whatever.

I love this time of the year. I love February. I don't want it to end. I want to hold on to it. Because after this, summers start. And tests start. And exhaustion starts. Februaryyy. Don't leave meh. Pliss?

I also have to complete my Anatomy sketchbook. The labelling's left.

I miss watching death note.
I hate the fact that my Behavioural Sciences professor sucks. He's useless. Bummer.
I had orange juice today. Had salt it it. Why did it have salt in it? I didn't like that.

I feel feverish. This is a pretty whiny post. Its a comfort post. Like comfort food. But i don't have ice cream right now. I would like some Pasta however. Or noodles with sausages.

*at night*

So its 1 20 a.m. And im done with my histo diagrams. And the sketchbook. I've taken my meds. Brushed my teeth. Talked to the parents. And now i'm in bed.

Goodnight, world.

A case of exploding happiness.

I don't remember the last time the weather was THIS pretty. I don't. I'm walking in the hostel grounds. There's cold wind blowing constantly. In my hair and on my face and i can't feel my hands anymore. It smells of rain. A few drops fall infrequently. There's something so infectiously fresh about this wind. I can't describe it. Im on my own. With headphones on. Hot noodles and Little women (the movie) await me in my room upstairs. I love this. I could explode. I'm just. Glad to be alive. Right now. In this moment.
This shit is magical.
And i can't contain it.

p.s. All that's missing is Subway's Roasted Beef sub. I could kill for one right now.
Also, i watched When Harry met Sally last night. I liked it.

Disconnected.

I hate parlors. Beauty Parlors or Salons or whatever you want to call them. I don't trust them. They always find a way to mess you up. Whatever you want them to do, they'll either overdo it or under-do it or do something that they're not supposed to do. They're hateful. Okay? Okay. Anyway.

What I actually want to talk about is how Disconnected I feel these days. Disconnected. Could not have found a more appropriate word. Like today. I was sitting in the college auditorium, in that dark dingy auditorium, watching girls practice their dance for the Welcome Party. And I thought to myself. 'Wth am I doing here?' I'm not interested or motivated to do anything at college. Because nothing seems worth the effort. Really. It doesn't. I'm not bothered. Just not bothered. [A cat just started crying in the corridor. Loser won't shut up >.<]
The problem is, I WANT to be bothered. I WANT to give a shit. I want to be involved with something that I give a shit about for a change. Something I'd actually want to take responsibility for, and work for, till i get it done. But no. Doesn't happen. Not here it doesn't. Here, shit goes on. Which I find uninteresting. And stale. And pointless.

So anyway. The good thing that happened was. W came to the auditorium, while i was there. And poked me (I dozed off during the whole dance-practice-watching-thing). I told her how bored I was and how i wanted to leave and work for an NGO right away. In return, she suggested that we go out. I was like, Out where? And she said. Out. Anywhere, just Out. And my sleep went away. We got up and left college. And started walking. To nowhere really. On our way to Nowhere really, W asked me if I wanted to go visit the church nearby. I almost jumped with excitement, considering how I've always wanted to go check that church out but no one ever agreed to come with. So. We went to look for the Church. Found the church. Also found out that it only opens on Saturdays (whats up with that? =\). Took a picture of it. Found out about a tiny school for kids that's inside the same building. And came back to college just in time for the next class. I felt great. Just to have gone out. And to have acted on a whim. =] I felt better.
So me and W have decided that we're going to go to a new place every week or two. From college. It shall be FUN. Yay. I've threatened to slit her throat if she ditches me. So. Yeah. Little things. Are awesome.

Also. I am either Overestimated or Underestimated. What is up with that? But then again, isn't everybody? Somewhat. Oo. I read this article on Cupid and Psyche. Their story. Was insteresting. Oh awesome. I have my second Behavioural Sciences class tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. That's the only class that I actually look forward to. So it better be good.

Im using r1's laptop, and its running out of battery. So i better go.
More later.
Buhbye.

During the lecture.

During the Embryology lecture, i'm reading something on my cellphone.

W: What are you reading?

Me: umm. Three things. A blog, quotes of Albert Camus and a random article on Wikipedia on Psyche.

W: Become a pigeon.

Me: ...

Shuffle.

I love my little post-midnight coffee trips down to the cafe with r2. We talk about random things and sip hot styrofoam coffee that burns my tongue. The cafe guy puts a lot of cream in it. I like that. R2 paid for the biscuits and the coffee. Remind me to pay her back.

January's almost up. February's already here. February is my favourite month of the year. Because its my birthmonth, and because its the last month of Winters. So i try to hold on to it. February, i.e. It's precious. This february, i'm looking forward to more than just my birthday. This february, we have sports+literary week at college, which means a relatively lighter study schedule. And the welcome party. Then there's my cousin Buck's first wedding anniversary. Cute. What else? Oo. Yes. February the 29th. Leapyear. And. Ofcourse. I get to visit home. *happy sigh*


Who likes Hajmola? I hate hajmola. Just saying.

I love the guy who plays Hemmingway in Midnight in Paris. He's hilarious in the movie. Casually epic, i'll call him.

I'm pretty insane i've realized. Well i realized that a long time ago, but. I feel it more now. Or maybe everybody else is way too plain. I don't know. This track. Called. I love my parents. By buckethead. Kills me. It makes me sad. But i love it. I really do. I also love my cellphone. Even though it's really old and cancerous. But its loyal. So i love it. And i love its keypad. Enables me to type all of this on my phone.

This time last year, i was living alone. No roommates. Adjusting to college. Adjusting to hostel life. Walking four storeys up to my lonely little room a billion times a day. I miss that. Need one month of that. Please.

Life's twisted. Songs are evil. They bring back memories. And when you have your playlist on Shuffle mode, it rips your brain apart. Song after song. Memory after memory. Old and new. Nostalgia. Mood fluctuations. Shuffle. Evil. Remind me to do a post on what each song in my playlist reminds me of. That shall be interesting.

My phone's battery is about to die. And my throat is crying for water. And my eyes are twitchy. So i should better post this right away and prepare to sleep. Yes. Okay.

Pigeons are my new interest by the way. They're not just fat and dumb. They can see UV light and they have only 37 tastebuds. We have 9000. And if you make em a home, they'll always come back to it. Anyway.

That is all.

Bye world.

Of r2 and me.

Here's what r2 (roommate) thinks of me:

*'you're the most ridiculous person i've ever met. You should know that'

*r2: you're such a chiiiild
me: you're such a mom. I'm sad for you.

*To r1: 'WHERE did you find this girl?'

*'What are you?'

*'You look like a chinese cat'

*'Your mom called you a sensible bachi. Hahah. Why did she say that? How could she say that? I find it funny'.

*'A, you are a perfect baby'

*'A, aap aik bachi hainnn'

*'isko please koi baahar dustbin main phenk aaye'.

*r2: Why is that place so messy?
me: because three people were sitting there a while ago.
r2: But only the place where you were sitting is messy. What does that indicate?
me: that you're not a good mommie.
r2: ....
me: and you failed to clean up after your baby. :)
r2: *goes and cleans up the mess*


*r2: Are you trying to threaten me?
me: I'm not trying. I am threatening you.
r2: ....
me: ....
r2: okay, you win.
me: thankyou.

Shrapnel.

I'm having tea, so that i can stay up and study Anatomy. I've been staring at my book for the past one hour. Zero outcome. I'm watching Amelie on my phone. I love watching movies on my phone.

I had an amazing weekend. I spent it at N's. And it rained. Fun. Fun. Fun. Made french toast at 3 a.m and watched pulp fiction while it rained. Ate huge bags of top pops and watched Lion King 2. Bought a bag of trashy junkfood, all of which tasted like shit. Aaaah. What fun.

Also, i'm back at the point where I'm frustrated by how little love people have for their lives. I mean. They don't care. They don't do things for themselves. They don't think about things. They do the Typical. The Routine. The What-people-say. Its frustrating. Really is.

My hostel's cafe is finally serving coffee. And its good. So i'm glad. Also, we have coffee at college which is also good. They're both the same actually. So i finally have a cure for my sleepyness at college. I'd never go to college if it weren't for the attendance. Okay, well, maybe not never. I'd go on alternate days maybe.

Also, i'm at a point where, the people closest to me are telling me that i've changed. Yes. There was the whole 'You've changed.' thing. I don't know. Well, i have. But i don't see how i could've stopped it from happening. I don't mind changing if i know that it's for the better. But i do need to settle down now. I feel floaty. Like a leaf. Rootless. Mehhh.. -.-

I've finished my tea. Still haven't started studying. I'm going to regret this. I weally weally like Ryan Gosling. I watched Drive with N. There was this scene where he crushes the other guy's face. Brutal.

I think what i want more than anything right now is to sit infront of the heater with my mom, and eat peanuts.

I love the word Shrapnel.
And I feel lonely today.

Byebye.

Of a good day.

It rained today. Played Name/place/animal/thing/movie with friends at college. Won. Walked to the hostel in rain. Went out with friends. Had a huge chocolate toblerone cone. Took pictures. Laughed and talked till my jaws hurt. Literally. Watched Deathnote like crazy with r2. Watched a stupid movie. Drank horlicks.

I can smell rain in the corridor outside, and i have no test tomorrow.

For now, life is good.

Ze Resolution.

Here goes:

- Be less lazy.
About myself. About everything I do, and everything that i need to do. I need to get things done. And feel that rush. The one you get after you complete a task.


- Restore the Awesomeness.
I need to be Me again, whatever/whoever that is. So this includes, figuring that out. And then becoming that person. Because lately, I don't feel like myself, at all. I'm this weird new person who is weird. I need my calm self back. I need my awesome self back. Who does not let little things get to her. Whose in control. And who is awesome.


- Study hard. Party hard.
I need to study better. Not more, just better. Need to build my concepts, and manage time better. And when I'm not doing that, I shall have fun. I shall go out, and have fun and not have a care in the world.


- Get closer to my People.
'nuff said.


- Get thinner.
Not that I'm fat. But I need to shed some weight. Thin is healthy. Thin, is awesome.


- Finish Atlas Shrugged before my birthday.
Started reading that last year. After my cousin gifted it to me on my birthday. I'm still not done with it. Needless to say, I took my time with it. But enough now. I need to finish it. By February the 25th.


- Tell people I love, that I love them.
..or at least, let it be known to them. Or show it to them. Somehow. I have this fear of dying without anybody knowing that i gave a shit.


- Be honest.
You can never be honest enough. So yes. The goal is to be as honest as i can be. And to try to not offend people in the process. Which is kinda hard, considering how people hate you for giving an honest opinion even though they asked for it. But, I shall try.

- Donate blood.
I mean. Being O negative. Is. Reason. Enough. And also because I want to.


- Be better at confrontations.
I run away from confrontations, like.. like.. *insert awesome analogy*. Yes. So i do everything in my power to avoid confrontations. Because confrontations are awkward. And I hate awkwardness. And i hate confrontations. But oh well. If i want to be anything like the person I want to be, I need to stop doing that. Or at least, sort of, maybe, try to be better at it.

- Religion.
Figure THAT out. Read about it, think about it, question it, look for answers, be confused, be satisfied. All that. And more.

- Wear my retainers regularly.
This might be the hardest one of all. -_________________-

- Be less dependent, and more dependable.
Need to. Desperately. Stop depending on people for things. Not stop, actually, but reduce, for sure. I'm human aren't I? So I'm going to continue taking some people for granted. But. That's about it. Nobody else.
Oh and, I love being depended on. Heh. So yeah, that.

Okay I think i need to stop. Cuz i feel like I could go on and on.
I might've missed some important points, but I guess this is enough for now.

Toodles.

Clarity that clouds my mind.

Badly, badly need to write.
So. First day of the new year. 2012. Wow. Okay. Since I have so much on my mind, i'll try and write everything in bullets so its easier. Here goes:

* I'm back at the hostel. In my bed. Under a blanket and my favorite comforter, with a cup of Joshaanda on the side table (bad cough -.- ), and lifehouse in the background. Just took a shower, wore a new blingy sweater which is blingy but very comfortable. The roomies are sleeping.

* The roomies spent a week at my place, in my city. They had fun. I had fun too. There was constant activity at the house. We went out everyday. Watched the Pirates series all over again, and i was reminded of how awesome Johnny Depp is. We ate a lot. I met my friends. They met my friends. Had a good time. And now we're back.

* I start college again tomorrow. Second year. Mbbs. Hi. Going to have too much to catch up on, since i missed the first week. But, that's alright.

* I think I'm going to catch a fever by tonight.

* I've made New Years Resolutions, yes. I'll do a post on that after I'm done with this.

* My parents. I miss them. I miss home. I miss my family. I did not want to come back so soon. I feel homesick. I feel homesick after a long time. And I'm welcoming the feeling a bit. Even though it sucks. I wish I could spend some more time with them. Couldn't.

* Shit. The headache is back. What the hell.

* I'm irritated. Constantly. Grumpy, more like. Little things are getting to me. All i want, more than anything is to live alone for sometime. A month maybe. To clear my head. To think things through. Figure shit out. For now, I'm irritated. By everyone. And everything. Except for this. This, the writing, listening to music, and being in my blanket. With nothing to disturb me. No one to disturb me. Being on my own. This is nice. Everything else, is irritating.

* I need my gloves. They're in that bag over there. Get them for me please?

* I need to buy new stationery tomorrow. The thought of that makes me happy.

* I'm lost.

Byebye now. Resolution time.

Edited: Okay, resolutions post later maybe. For now, I feel like someone's drilling a hole in the upper right corner of my brain. It HURTS. O.o