Sunday, December 21, 2014

Except a little.

Came home the other day. My personal rehab. I'm here to relax the shit out of myself. Detox. Recover. Revive. And all those words. On our way home, me and dad were driving through the old part of the city, mom wanted him to get fresh oranges for me. He parked near the fruit vendors and then he pointed to this really old two story building and said 'Do you know this is where i used to live? I was probably born here but we left this place early'. Then he showed me two green doors on the top and said that the doors hadn't changed. He said that as kids, they used to stand on the roof, wrap some grass in paper and throw it on the road. They would watch people pick it up, but finding only grass, they'd throw it back on the road. That was their entertainment. I smiled.

It's cold here. There's hardly any gas. But i have my big quilt and my towel socks. Last night I finished a book that got me through a lot of shit. It had sort of become my go-to book. And i was a little sad that it ended. But now i have something new to read and so my mind will keep stretching. Thinking of starting a little fiction on the side, but let's see about that. I stayed an extra day in the City, to watch The Hobbit. Liked it more than i thought i would. I've noticed that i enjoy watching movies with r1. We laugh a lot. Now i'm thinking about my last day at the hostel before coming here. I really liked that day. Dim light. Cosy little room. All of us being cosy. Sleeping, talking, laughing, eating. There was a timelessness about that day. And Nd took us all out for ice cream too. Sometimes he gets too brotherly. It's nice.

Mom and dad are sweethearts as usual. Mom is forcing comfort on me. Wear these socks. Wear an extra shawl? Should i make you a burger? Will you have halwa? Do you want to order in? Sit in front of the heater. Here, have a banana. Haha. Dad makes fun of her 'kandhon pe bitha lo isko' he said. Hahah. Sweetbabies. s1 is struggling with having to study in this cold cold atmosphere. And s2 is busy with her friend's wedding.

Isn't it really interesting how mindsets change drastically over time? Thoughts, opinions, perceptions? Everything. You can not trust your mind. I mean, of course you can. But not quite. We're all changeable little people. Speaking of change, I need to change a lot of things. I made a new years resolution list with Sd last year, and we'll make one this year too. He told me to set achievable goals. But mine are always so vague and big. I can hardly measure my progress by the end of the year. Maybe i'll do better next time.

I don't want these days to pass me by. I want to fix myself in all the ways that need fixing. And i want to and have to do it myself. I can already feel a certain change happening inside me. Some essential part of my core, has shifted. And there is more to come. Hopefully. I don't want it to stop. The biggest changes i think, happen the quickest at times. A spark. A realization. An instant. And then nothing is the same.

I have to attend weddings this month. Not looking forward to any of them. There's too much make up involved. And too much fanciness. I'm just not a wedding person. Oh well. I'll deal with it. I'm looking forward to the bonfires. I love the bonfires. And i miss my boots. My one and only pair. I think I need a new jacket though. My neck hurts. I slept in a weird posture and now it's stiff. I had the weirdest dreams last night. But when have i ever had normal dreams? But the airplane made an appearance again. Crashed i think. Stupid airplanes.

I like to pollute people's notebooks. ALL the time. All my friends have some shit on their books and notebooks because of me. And they often send me pictures of it later while they're studying. I like leaving my mark on things. It's a thing. When i was in school, our classroom's Whiteboard had a smiley in one corner. I drew it with a permanent marker. Heh.

Anyway, I'm done for now.
Time for a hot shower.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Yellow flicker beat.

Hmm. I guess it has been a while. Who has had the time? Well it isn't about the time. It's about the mindset. Oh God, I've had the shittiest most stressful exam month. Absolutely dreadful. Multiple meltdowns. Unhealthy routine. Oceans of caffeine. No sleep. And what not. It's still not over but I've got some time off. And I'm going to relax the shit out of myself. Yes i will!

There is a lot going on in my head. A lot of it that i would like to write about, in some way at least. But i don't even know where to begin and how to contain it in words. Maybe with time. Bit by bit.

I'm obsessed with Comfortably Numb these days. I'm listening to a lot of old music nowadays. Feels good. s1 said she was in a weird mood. So i sang along a backstreet boys song and sent her a voice clip of it. That was fun.

My forearms hurt when I am really exhausted. Head, forearms and upper back.

I'll write more later. Right now, I'm going to finish watching Camp Xray.