Wednesday, October 29, 2014

It is that time of the year again, and that time of the night.
I wish i could get a good night's sleep. One where I don't wake up every few hours.
When was the last time I closed my eyes at night and opened them only in the morning? Uninterrupted? I don't remember.

The day the airplane in my dream takes off, I will know that something in my life has finally clicked  into its right place. For now, I'm waiting.

I have been reading a lot. Stretching the mind, or at least trying to. And a midst all of that, medicine somehow feels irrelevant. But I am also scared. Because i need to work hard, and I can't seem to focus. It's an old problem. But it's there. And I don't know what will fix that, if anything will at all.

Went out with a cup of hot milk and stood in the wind for about half an hour. Watched the rain. Smelled the rain. Felt it all. It's almost four. Had to wear an extra shirt. It's getting chilly.

There's a dead ant in my water bottle. Oops.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Full circle.

Finally, finally went out today. Watched Anabelle with the girls. Forced two of them to go, and then ended up burying my head in r1's shoulder through most of the scary bits. There are two types of people in the world. Those who scream, and those who don't. I belong to the latter. I don't scream. Unless cockroaches are involved.

Found a little black balloon floating in the place where we had dinner. I brought it back to my hostel. I named it Ebola. Is that okay?

Seems like my heart wakes up in winter.

I love being out. Sitting in some place, good company. That's really all i want. Well not really. But you get the point.

I was once watching House and there was this thing Wilson said. Something like 'You'd be surprised what you can live with'. For some reason, it has always stuck with me. This sentence. Because I think it's true. I hate House now btw.

Every day feels like a blessing. The mind, the heart, the spirit, the body, they all need exercise. I think I'm finally getting some. Not nearly enough but, some.

My cellphone is heavy with memories. Needs decluttering. Like my mind.

Today i did something that i was proud of,  Confronted a friend about something that was bothering me. Fought the fear of awkwardness. Maybe i can do this more often and not die inside every time some kind of shit happens that messes up my mind.

Tu bhi na maanay, koi bhi na janay, kaisay ho pur ye khala
Rangon main tum ho, khyaalon main gum ho, najaanay tu hai kahan

Good stuff, this.

Looking forward to plenty of walks. Looking forward to the sky.
Bubye now.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Winds of change.

Winds of change. Literally.
There's a chilliness to the air.
Cold feet hugging each other under a bed sheet that reminds me too much of home.
Can't help but smile though.
One of the houses in the street have a new yellow bulb. It glows.
The other one is painted pink. Its more a room than a house.
The woman are chatting away on charpaais.
Every morning i wake up and it says 'Dreary' on my phone's weather forecast.
Dampens your spirits a bit. Dreary.
Says 'thunderstorms' today. Now we're talking.
I've made friends with a book. I turn to it most nights before i sleep.
Felt hungover during exam today. The headache is still there.
Downloading Into the Wild. That movie needs to be watched again.
Eddie Vedder yo.
Alright, that is all now.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

I only own my mind.

The floodgates have opened it seems.
No blogging for so long and suddenly i want to write everything down.
I get song cravings. Got a really strong Pearl Jam one right now.
I am mine.
I'm on an (undeserved) break from studying.
Had a mug of coffee. I feel calm. A good kind of settled calm.
Lorde is now playing in the background.
What would we do without lamps and wooden floors and camp chairs?
And music that enters your heart and controls it for a while?
And words. Words that really enter your heart.
I mean it's the tiniest things isn't it?
This red mug on this red rug. That red towel. Yes i like Red.
And oh God this song. Bittersweet symphony. That music.
Me and mom are similar in the weirdest ways.
We love dry fruits. And left over pakoray from the fridge with naan after midnight.
And sometimes we obsess over the same little things.
We can be heroes. Just for one day!
Life's going to be chaotic soon.
I hope my gut survives the caffeine.
And my nails survive my teeth. Heh.
No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
Im here in my mold
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
no, no, no, no, no 
 Oh and yes, i tweaked my blog a bit. Happened at 5 a.m last night. Or morning. Or whatever.There, I'm done for now.
If it rains tonight, i'll be a happy person.

What directs the dream.

3 a.m.
Is this a journal?
Maybe, for now.
Today was good.
Woke up early. Pepperoni and butter toast.
Bitter coffee and Dewberry.
Pathology. Slept.
First panic attack of exam season.
Random plan with crazy friends.
Unexpected laughter.
Tea and talk.
Long call with V.
Lots of laughter.
Pathology session.
Made sandwiches for sisters and cousin.
Music, lamp, cold room.
Peach and water.
Ophthalmology? Don't know yet.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Copper doesn't know it's copper, until it's changed to gold.

Today has been weird.

So i will do what i do on most weird days. I will whine. And vent. Here.

Hi there.

My coffee behaved like an ass today. Only made me yawn a lot. I was stuck in bad traffic for two hours. And was headachy most of the day. So i had more caffeine which made me more headachy and didn't get much studying done either. And my stomach feels weird.
I called N. We laughed. I like that i can always call her and end up laughing.

I miss the time i spent at N's place. We used to go out for walks. I used to stand on that swing and we'd talk about all sorts of things. I miss listening to the radio ALL the time in her car. I miss the time we drove after my bus after we missed it. I miss all the chocolatey gooey shit i used to eat at her place. I do not miss the weight i gained however. Haha.Good times.

Dad talked about his old home today. While we were stuck in traffic. Its weird how little i know about his earlier life. Life before he was a father and a husband. When he was just himself. He doesn't say much. I'd like to know more. I know he used to play football. And spent sometime in Chicago. And had a beard once. I've seen pictures. But not much. I should make him talk more.

I keep complaining about wanting more stability and groundedness. But i've been thinking, that maybe it's not what i want at all. And maybe i love the transient-ness of everything. I don't want to stay in one place. I can't, i think. Maybe I like being rushed. With little pauses every now and then. To breathe. And reflect maybe.

Just had a long conversation with Sd about how messed up we are as a society. How many things there are that we wish our parents had taught us. How much there is that needs to change. And who is going to change that and is it going to change at all? Who knows.

I like to complain about little things. It doesn't really help anything. Just like it doesn't help to complain about big things. But i don't complain about big things. Not like this. It's easier to worry about insignificant things instead. Big things will sort themselves out. What can you do.

There's a cricket in my room that's making my ears bleed.

Alright, I think this is more than i've written in here in a long time. So.
That'll be all then.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014


There's a flood of sunlight in my room every morning.
Makes me feel like its a Sunday.

And this bed is big.
Plenty of room to stretch
And yawn
Like a lazy cat.