Tuesday, December 31, 2013

This year.

This year:

I moved to a new house.
I realised that people are full of shit.
And that words mean nothing.
Overgrew my friends from home.
Went out of my comfort zone and invited my roomates to stay at my place for about a month.
Went out of my comfort zone and spent almost two months at my best friend's house.
And realised that i wasn't out of my comfort zone.
Gained some unnecessary weight.
Saved money from time to time and shopped a lot.
 Felt disconnected and disillusioned.
Saw a lot of my people breakdown..
Broke down.
Started a real poke war with Nd.
Kept my cool during exams. (relatively)
Started to question my choice of career. A lot.
Decided to diversify my colour choice in clothes.
Ended up buying everything in black.
Fell more in love with my parents.
Came to terms with some issues that i had been avoiding dealing with.
Cried in front of N for the first time in 8-9 years.
Caught up with an old friend and stayed in touch.
Started playing Candy Crush and let level 165 beat me.
Had more twisted dreams than ever before.
Cut my hair short.
Spent a lot of time away from the hostel.
I'd like to go have a meal at a pub called The ugly duckling or something.
That's so irrelevant. Haha.
Spent the last day of the year with the same friends who I claim to have outgrown. Had fun.
Cried over the death of people's loved ones and thought a lot about death.

Hmm. Seems like I did not do much this year. Nothing big or significant. Well, of course, all of the little things were important in their own way. But. Nothing huge happened. Not really. Wow. God..That's not a very good thing.
Shit. I'm going to be 22 this year and I MUST DO SOMETHING AWESOME AND LIFE ALTERING!

Also. Am I the only one to whom 2014 sounds really futuristic?
Oh well. 
Here's to the future.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013


Hello earthlings.
How is every one doing?
Isn't the weather amazing or what?
s2 came to pick me from the hostel yesterday evening and we hung out. 
She paid for the food.
We are watching movies, and eating a lot and sleeping in.
I love it when i walk in the cold and my face freezes.
This month has been good. Last week was insane. We went out everyday. 
Good times. Good company.
Some of it sucked. I was really sad. 
I hung out with N too. We shopped and ate fries.
Watching so many movies these days.
College is a drag as usual. No improvement there.
There is one class i enjoy. Because of the professor who teaches it. 
Otherwise, uninspired and bored.
I need exercise. Need to eat healthy.
Parents coming today.
Finished Imran Khan's book last night. I have so many opinions.
Get me talking and I'll never stop.
Fluffy pancakes and sausages for breakfast.
Not happening.
I like the idea of 24 hours not being enough in a day.
I was lucid today. In a dream. In a dream. I think it's the second time that's happened.
I'm going to start reading this book that someone gave me.
Saw this documentary last night on the Placebo effect.
Going to watch The Butler when the light comes.

Okay then.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Book club pliss?

There needs to be a book club. Or something.  In Lahore.

Weekly meetings.
Discuss books.
Have coffee.
Good conversation.
Exchange books.


WHAT SAY YOU? *imagine a big brother poster pointing at you*

Hello December.

Every thing that I'm feeling is way too personal to be written about here.
So instead, I shall write about other, more concrete things.

I'm home for a few days. Today, i went out for a walk. Took my mug of tea along. Sat on the steps outside. And listened to Coldplay. Ah. The pleasures of life. Also, I'm watching a lot of movies these days.
I finished Cranford. The BBC period drama series. So much fun. Me, a small town drama, a rug beside the heater, and some ice cream. Happiness.

Tomorrow, me and mom are going shopping. I don't want to go to the Bazaar. But i'll go. I need new clothes for college. And since i'm a little picky, mom thinks it's important that i choose the cloth myself.

I've been thinking about death lately. And how real it is. It's quite unsettling.

s2 was here for the weekend. It was a lot of fun. We watched an entire season of Project Runway. And made fun of heidi klum. We also watched David Blaine and made dad watch it too. Ate gol gappay at night. And laughed. Time well spent.

Watching movies in the cinema is one of my most favorite things to do.

Goodnight now.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Go crazy.

Listen. Listen to music. Music that will light up a spark. Spark that will set your mind on fire. Fire that will course through your veins. Veins that will burn with adrenaline.  Adrenaline shall make you fly. Fly at the speed of light. Light that will blind the skies. And stars and the sun itself. Like blowing out a candle. Until it's all dark. Give way to darkness. Be one with it and let it dissolve every molecule of you. Sit in the dark and close your eyes. Dream. Dream of the worlds you created inside your head. Your head full of thoughts. Thoughts and ideas. And doubts. Like dragons. Dragons that breathe vicious fire. Step into the fire. Your fire. And feel the warmth. Warmth that gives you hope. Hope that glues you back together. And makes your heart beat. Beat to the drums of your anthem. Sing your own anthem.
Then open your eyes.

And catch your breath.

It's time.

Sunday, November 17, 2013


He's my cousin. More than a brother. A friend and a gaurdian to me. He's the kind of person who changes people's lives in important ways. You might not talk to him for days and he might refuse to write more than two words in his texts but he will be there to say all the right words and do all the right things when you need it the most. He's the biggest narcissist you'll ever meet with ego the size of Russia. But he's kind and caring and will offer to make you banana bread whenever you feel like it. He acts a little self serving at times and will not care for your plans if they're clashing with his. But he will also pick you up from one end of the city and drop you to the other even if it makes him late for work.

He pampers me and fights with me and listens to all my crazy ideas even if all he has to say at the end is shutup. He listens to my dreams. And insists that his opinions are facts and superior to mine. He buys me books. And Fruit roll ups. And gives me Eidi. And offers me a plate full of his favourite cake. He calls me his successor. And is the only guy apart from my dad who I don't mind getting a hug from.

He's the kind of person who makes you feel good about yourself but will also call you out if you're doing something wrong. He makes you want to depend on him. And he does it for everyone he cares about. He gets things done. And hardly ever says no. You tell him about this constellation you know about and he will stop the car on the road at 3 a.m so you can look for it in the winter sky. He is also a bully. But you tend to forgive him for it somehow. We are all flawed aren't we?

Not many people inspire me but he sure does. He makes me want to be a better person. I want to be the kind of person who brings you pizza, coffee and candy the night before your exam. Who leaves a mark with you. Who you know you can turn to, even if you never do.

It's his birthday today and since I could never say all these nice things to his face, I thought I'd write them down here.

Just for the record yknow.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Curious rainbows.

While talking to N:

N: I'm so low.
Me: Apocalypse, telling you.
N:  Ahan.
Me: Seriously. There's an epidemic.  Depression ka.
N: Pata nahi kia ho gya hai yaar.
Me:  Except. I'm not depressed. It's just wrong. Anomaly.
N: Blah. You're too much of a rainbow.

I like being called a rainbow.


Someone I know might be falling in love. It's interesting to watch and has given me new things to think about. Also it's such a pretty time to be in love.


My khala thinks I have an artistic face.
S1 randomly hugged me and told me that she missed me.
And a friend refused to hang up the phone today because she said she felt safe talking to me.
Odd compliments are always better than the usual shit aren't they?


I think my one role in life is to watch people unravel and unload before me.


I'm one of those people who like to hear themselves talk. Quite narcissistic isn't it? But it's not a bad thing as long as you understand that other people might not share your views.


I never get why anyone would post anonymously on my blog. It makes me so curious. I love how j.k Rowling uses this word though. Curious. You know when Harry tries his wand, that's what Olivander says.


Thursday, November 7, 2013

Winter bits.

Today is quiter than most days. Its a quite morning. My feet are cold. Its almost noon but it feels like 7 a.m. Better get fresh. Go to the canteen for breakfast or make a sandwich myself? Decisions. Decisions.     
   Okay I've made me a proper fancy sunday morning breakfast y'all. Except it's not Sunday and my breakfast ain't fancy. But well. There's coffee. There's a cupcake. There's a butter croissant. And slice of bread with lots of cream cheese. Yum. I'm watching High fidelity again. This movie refuses to end. Why is John Cusack so repulsive?! 


 I had the most beautiful dreams last night. Really mysterious and just so tragically beautiful. I remember waking up in the middle of the night, just to make sure that my dreams were real and what was happening wouldn't go away when I woke up. And in that moment of awareness, or half awareness, my mind told me that yes, the dreams are as real as anything, they're still here, go back to sleep. And I believed it. And slept. And later. When I woke up, and cold consciousness took over, I realised...what the hell. It's all gone. Not fair. Cruel really. Oh well. 

 It is absolutely heavenly outside. It smells of rain and bbq and shampoo. I'm cold, since all my winter clothes are still in bags back home. 


I can't wait for December. December will bring warm quilts and towel socks. And vanilla lattes and daal chawal. And spending all my savings on an overpriced sweater. And peanuts. And fog. 

Monday, November 4, 2013

Bullets 16.

YES. A bullet post. I'm excited. Are you? Okay. Here goes.

* The worst is over...sort of. I am quite surprised at how, mightiusetheword gracefully i behaved through all of it? Well okay. s2 would beg to differ. But i'm talking generally. There were no more than 2 panic attacks and i stayed up most nights. Alone. How nice. Anyway. There's more to come but that too shall pass! Until then, let's all be graceful and shiz.

* I went out with college friends the other day and then spent an entire day with N. We shopped. And ate. And talked and got really tired. And even though i might have to starve for the next week or so, I'm glad i did it. Overspent, overslept, overate. Over everything. Moderation is not my middle name. Okay that does not make much sense. But yeah.

* The things that people do hardly ever surprise me. But lately,and not so lately, certain events have confused me a little. Made me wonder, and think and wonder some more. I still haven't been able to figure them out. Which is new.

This is home. And the wallpaper on my phone.
* I want cake. I always want cake. Remember that! There are some cupcakes in the fridge but they're not nice. I shall make do with candy. Did i tell you? The roomies went out for shopping so i asked them to bring me back something good. r2 got me CANDY! :') Just like that.

* I've had a break from studying and now i can not get back to it. I will watch movie after movie after movie. Watched the Dead Poet's Society again last night. What a beauty that movie is. Also watched the Conjuring. Now i have to sleep cross legged because I'm afraid someone's going to grab my foot. Will watch Side Effects and An officer and a gentleman next. Yay.

* Okay so I'm watching High Fidelity for some reason. And i'm finding John Cusack to be pretty hateful. He's annoying and my stomach hurts. Bad, bad combo.

* Today is such a dead day is it not? Nothing is moving. Showers are the magic. The magic, i tell you.

* Read up a little about 3D printing. Seems interesting. Need to know more.

* Some songs are made for winter. I was made for winter. I'm a winter baby. Winter bones. And winter feet. And a wintery nose.

I feel like i wanted to write so much more, but hardly anything came out. That's not a good feeling. Oh well.
Till next time, i guess. 

Tuesday, October 22, 2013


My body needs to crash.  Brain too. It's about time. Too much exhaustion. Stress overload. Endless stores of endogenous caffeine. Nail biting. And saying no to food. There's more to come but at least im done with today. The beginning is always the hardest. I'm not talking about anything deep or philosophical. Im just having exams. Today was the first and it went alright. Could've done better but there wasn't time. So whatever.

I've been losing faith in myself lately but its getting better now. A friend texted me the other day to ask for help/advice/listentoherrant. I did not expect this person to turn to me of all people. I was a little flattered. But i made her feel better. And that made me feel so good. And warm. And strong. There's nothing better than to be able to reach out to someone and actually help them or give them what they need. To be able to make a difference. I love it.

I watched Pretty woman again last night. Richard gere. In that movie. What perfection. I mean. Seriously. With his twinkly eyes and shit. So cute. I love that movie. I also watched Devils wears Prada. Sort of a guilty pleasure.  I always enjoy that movie. I watched Waar too. I rated it 6.5. Or 6. Out of which 1-2 points are just for the effort.

I found this poem called Two Flies by Charles Bukowski the other day.  Online somewhere. Now I'm not into poetry or anything but this was so funny. Or. Amusing. Or just. Refreshingly simple and crazy maybe? I don't know haha. I read a couple of others and they're all really just. Raw. Citrus. Simple. And insane. All at the same time. But I don't know anything about poetry. Except that sometimes certain phrases or expressions make me feel something. And I enjoy that.

To push harder or give in/give up/let go? Where do you draw the line. I think that is the question we all need to think about.

Oh and as for the title of the post. I had a dream about a fruit. It was fresh and green. The size of a golf ball. Had a lot of seeds. It's juice was good for diet. And it was called Canon. So there you go.

Bye bye now.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

There needs to be a service,
or an app or a hotline for people
who are about to have their exams,
 and want people to talk to
during panic attacks at 3 am in the morning.

Sunday, October 6, 2013


I should write more about movies. I love talking about movies.

I'm watching The Mist on the tv right now. I really like that movie. I've seen it before. I love that the movie doesn't focus too much on the monsters but rather about the people and the way they react to everything. I love it when random people get stuck together, in a life/death kind of situation and how it brings the best/worst out of them. It's mostly the worst, yeah, but isn't that fascinating? The anarchy. Which is the reason why i loved Lord of the Flies too. It's soooo. Raw. And creepy. I loved it. I love this concept in general. Oh and the creepy bible quoting lady adds so much to the film.

I watched another movie recently called Waking Life. It's by Richard Linklater. (Before sunrise, sunset, midnight) It was recommended to me by someone and i'm so glad i found it. Super crazy. It's basically about this guy who walks through a series of Lucid dreams and False awakenings and keeps having these amazing conversations with random strangers about life and people and dreams and all kinds of abstract mindscrambling ideas that make you go like whaaaaaa? I also love how each conversation ends abruptly leaving you hanging. I've only watched that movie once but I'm going to watch it again. Why? Because it's about my favourite topic. Dreams. And because i LOVE movies with good conversation.

Watched Woody Allen's To rome with Love last night. I love Jesse Eisenberg. Just sayin. It was a pleasant movie. Adequetly funny with a little bit of crazy. Good for watching during your 3 a.m food break. Actually no, you know what's better? SHARKTOPUS. I mean. Gotta love movies like that. Eight legged freaks, sharktopus, Anaconda. Perfect summertime movies  to give you company when you're up all night. Your brain will slowly rot away and you won't even feel it. :)

I watched Happythankyoumoreplease the other day. Josh Radnor. Never like him as Ted in HIMYM. Yuck. But then i watched Liberal Arts. And then Happythankyoumoreplease. I don't hate him anymore. There is only one word for the movies he makes. Mellow. SO mellow. I liked both of them.

Alright bye.

P.s. Yes. The orange dolly is back. Her name is Eve. For those who don't know. 

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Too much past midnight.

At this time of the night, a kind of mind paralysis takes over me. Right now, I should be studying, or sleeping. Not doing either. Spent the better part of the night watching audition tapes of Hollywood actors.

 I need to eat. Home is empty. s1 has moved to the City with us. So mom and dad are going to be alone here from now on. The thought of it makes me sick with sadness. My little cute babies. How i love them. 

The roomies left a day ago. They were here for 23 days. I tried to be hospitable. But i suck at formalities. I'm one of those people who play Candy crush. Don't worry, I don't send out invites to the entire world. But i love the game. It teaches me patience and perseverance. If you stay patient, and keep at it, one day, you'll make it. It's that simple. I'm growing old. My legs hurt all the time. Dad thought maybe i was diabetic. Funny. 

I downloaded that movie, Jobs. I was really looking forward to it. I've only seen about 20 minutes of it maybe, and already lost interest. Ashton Kutcher and Steve Jobs. Tsk. My brain refuses to link them together. Pirates of the silicon valley. Now THAT was a great movie. Supernatural is such a shit show. I can never get myself interested in zombies and demons and all that. OUCH my stomach hurts. I had an energy drink earlier and now it's burning holes inside my stomach. Sort of an ulcer problem. 

So Jullian Fellowes, the guy who made Downton Abbey, is making Romeo and Juliet. I watched it's trailer and I'm looking forward to it. Haven't read the play. Or seen the version with Dicaprrio in it. Tried watching it but didn't like it. Okay i should go get some food. Yum.

 I was talking to s1 the other day about how much i cherish this phase of my life. I'm single and free and all i have to do in life is focus on my self. My priorities, my goals, my people, my feelings, my problems. Just me. My life. But soon i'm going to grow up, and get married and start a career and i will be responsible for so much more. I might love being that person and all that is attached to it, but THIS time, this freedom won't ever come back. And that means that i should make the most of it while i still have time. That also made me think about mom and what selfless beautiful creatures mothers are.

 A friend of mine got a pet deer as a surprise gift. How about that? 

I overslept. Woke up in the afternoon today. I ordered a 32 gb Memory card for my phone the other day and it's here! YAY. Okay i need to go study now. BYE.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

You know. Things are going to change. Life will get hard. And just when you feel like you're getting a grasp at it, it will get harder. And you will be pushed a thousand miles out of your comfort zone. There won't be many safety nets left for you to fall back on and you might feel like your life is a never ending downward spiralling whirlpool of shit. 


I think the key to surviving it is to hold on to the few things that keep you sane. And to hold on tight. Because some things and some people you have to take for granted. You have to. Or else there's nothing at all. And who can live like that? I can't. I need my anchor. And as long as I have that, that unrelenting faith, as long as I get to feel what I feel with the people I love, I will have the strength to deal with the brilliant (cantbelieveimsayingthis) f**kery that life is.

And that is all.


Saturday, September 14, 2013

Dead blogs and thought drains.

The blogging world is dead. My obsolete orkut account must have more activity than my dashboard these days. Excusetheexaggeration. But really, what the hell? Where is every body? -___-
Answer me!

Anyway. That being said, time to whine about other things.

Had one of my recurring dreams again today. Crash and burn. I was also a princess and excited to be one. I'm studying about coxsackie viruses and also thinking about what made Sylvia plath put her head in the oven. I'm grateful to God that I have matured enough to feel love for my parents, the kind that breaks my heart. And also for the little nap between a heavy breakfast and a cup of coffee. Mom told me that our old chaukidar baba, as we used to call him is really sick and she was thinking of going to visit him. We spent two minutes reminiscing about him but dropped the topic before either of us could tear up. I was never this prone to allergy. It's like one day I was sleeping and someone injected me with a truck full of IgE antibodies. I'll never be the same. I wish water had caffeine. Yuck. No. Cosmic love. Is exactly the amount of grand I want it to be. And Grace kelly makes me happy like a bird. I've always imagined ichor to be like mercury. Imagine that running through your veins. Do not bring my sour side out my friends. I don't like it either. Teray tun main, teray mun main, teray ghar ko aag lag jaaye, aur tujhe jaag na aaye. Memories. Beautiful and rich. Warm. Like cookies right out of the oven with cream. The brain will take what it can take. Conversations turning into white haze. Fuel and fire. I love the sound a xylophone makes. My cousin used to own one and how envious I was. I still remember the white closet full of all the toys she had. Problem with me is. I try to imagine everybody's life. Get into their skin. Atticus finch, you made an impression. When I was fourteen I read books that I was too young for perhaps. Dad doesn't understand my love for white chocolate and chocolate mint. Oh well.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Bullets 15.

People in general have gone crazy haven't they? With their crazy little bubble worlds. Of course that includes me too but I have always been awesome at crazy.

 I feel like reading a dickens novel infront of a fireplace. Oh God I'm going to love this house in winters. French vanilla except for when it gets really sweet at the end.

 Roomies think I'm nice and responsible at home. They're surprised. But when you love something, someplace, someone so much, how can you be any other way?

I now own an original Dr.Who tshirt and a Sherlock one. I love them both. Also because they were gifts from two different people and I didn't even ask them for it. 

 I'm not a robot and I hate people who want to be robots and do just one thing all day. Fixed routines and clockwork. No thought, no feeling. No new insights.

  I'm having trouble dealing with the transient nature of everything. I think I'm spending too much time trying to hold things together. And it's draining me of energy.

 I want to learn Lucid Dreaming. I'm sure I can do it. I just need to focus. Except that focus is the one thing I badly lack. Well let's see. 

 Can you believe that I've had to reduce my caffeine intake because I feel like all this exogenous energy will burn a hole through my intestines? Yeah, I can't either. 

 I'm growing up and I'm changing. I know this. I can feel it. I know I'm being twisted and moulded right now from all directions and it hurts but it will be for the better. 

 I surprised N on her birthday last week. Along with her boy D and her friends. It was a success. I shopped till late and gave an exam earlier that morning. At night my eyes hurt and I wished for everyday to be like that.

 Empathy. It's the best thing and the worst thing for me really.

Sunday, September 1, 2013


The roomies came back a few days ago. Night before their arrival s2 asked me whether their coming was a good thing or a bad thing. I couldn't really decide then cuz I did like having the room to myself. But then they came and I found that it cheered me up. I'm talking a lot and laughing a lot. I think I needed that.
I have also started to realize that after three years of living together in a room, you can't help but develop a special bond. Somedays I hate them, and I'm sure they do too. But I guess that is allowed. I guess it's a love hate thing.
And unknowingly or knowingly, I don't really know, I have allowed them to know me more than I expected. And maybe it's not so bad.

P.s. And they got me candy and shit. So yeah. 

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Being back.

Last night was my first night back at the hostel. It was harder than i thought.
Almost broke down.
But thanks to some people, i did make it through the night.
Slept badly.
Spent the entire morning getting the room cleaned up. Stocked the fridge yesterday.
Had a cheese+lays sandwich for breakfast.
Recharged my wifi.
Haven't had coffee in three days. Don't know how i'm still breathing.
Having milk and biscuits at the moment.
Today will be better.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Super rant.

It's 4:07 a.m and I've had a pretty pathetic day. Everything is right but also very very wrong. N says the apocalypse is here. All my people are going through some terrible kind of shit. And i'm trying to be there for each one of them. I can only try. But i'm not here to talk about their problems. This is my post. My problems.
I mean. It's like there is an *wow, get ready for some major emo shit*
Yeah so it's like there is an OCEAN full of water (or maybe mercury) stuck in my chest that NEEDS to come out in the form of tears but it won't. Or maybe there is a big block of lead in my chest. Or maybe, maybe, my heart is sinking. It's drowning. In a bog. My heart is stuck in a bog. Like the ones they have in swamps.
Oh lord. *deep breath*
Maybe i need to calm down.
Okay. So my sisters are out of town, having a great time. Even though i am sort of regretting not going with them, i'm also just really glad to be home with my parents. Speaking of parents. I miss them. They're DOWNSTAIRS. But i miss them. I've been to their room three times already. I laid down next to my mom and she stroked my hair. And i felt so sad. And happy. But really really sad. I came upstairs and there were four missed calls from a friend who badly needed to talk to me. So i felt bad about that.
I wanted to watch a very sad movie that would make and cry and put me to sleep. But ALL MOVIES ARE SHIT. I mean i watched The truman show earlier today, and the part where his boat touches the wall, and he finds out that the ocean is actually just a painting, it made me so sad, I cried. s2 thought the movie was hateful. That's just wrong. I really liked it. Anyway, coming to the point. I thought I'd watch a movie. I started watching Ryan's daughter. I've heard a lot about it. But five minutes into the movie, i realised it wasn't the right one. So i started watching this other movie called Under the tuscan sun. And BOY that is a slow movie. I mean. I'm more than halfway through it and it has made me feel NOTHING. A little bored maybe. There are mosquitoes in the room. Don't know where they came from, and I've sprayed the mosquito spray so many times; I don't know about the mosquitoes but I sure will die soon with the amount of shit (i.e, spray) concentrated in my lungs right now.
HELLO PATHOLOGY. Nice to meet you. Whatever. Just stop staring at me. I have other problems to deal with.
When did everything become so..soo...I don't know. Just so floaty. NOTHING stays. It's all just SO..I have it yet i don't. Almost there but not quite. Like pieces broken off of things. Beautiful things. Everything's a little bit cracked. WHY.
I really need to get my eye sight checked. It's like my eyes lose focus every few minutes and my forehead really hurts.
I wish i had more friends in a different time zone so that they'd be up right now.
I keep OD-ing on these biscuits that mom bought me a box of. I don't even like them but since they're right next to me, I'm eating them. I wish i was hungry. I'd go make myself some really soupy noodles and feel good about life. BUT! I'm not hungry. I lose my appetite when I'm really sad. So i must be really sad.
Something needs to happen. Something needs to change inside me. Maybe a spark needs to be lit. Maybe a fire. A BIG HUGE FIRE. LIKE A FOREST FIRE. WILD! THAT BLAZES THROUGH MY BODY BRINGING EVERY LITTLE NEURON TO LIFE. Bleh.
These anti mosquito sprays are totally useless I tell you.

The sun is going to come up real soon and the room is going to light up. You know what's weird though? I like eating biscuits that have been left open over night and have lost their crispness. Crispness. Is that a word?

I must be losing my mind.

It's just one of those nights.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013


'When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching -- they are your family. - Jim Butcher

Now I don't know who this guy Jim butcher is but no one ever said a truer word. 
So i'm going to write down some of the things that make me explode with love for my family.

*While out on a drive with the parents*
Mom: Kuch aur to nahi lena?
Me: Nahi ma.
Mom: Kuch nai chaiye?
Me: Nai nai
Mom: Kuch le lo.
Me: Hahha nai maaa.
Mom: Please kuch le lo.
Me: Maaaaa.
Mom: Kuch to le lo.
Me: Naiiiiiii.
Mom: Le ke phenk do.
Me: Hahahaha. 

-I love how s2 kept me company on skype through all my profs, listening to me cry and laugh in tears all day and all night, while s1 kept reminding me that the world wasn't actually going to end if i did badly on my exam. 

-I love how dad actually listened to me whine about level 97 on Candy crush and even tried to help fix the problem. 

-I love how everytime i feel crushed by the world, I call s2 and s1 and they make me feel like I'm not alone.

-I love how my cousin H fed me soup after i had my surgery and my sisters broke the french fries into tiny little pieces so that i'd be able to swallow them. 

-I love how it was 23rd March and s2 came into my room early in the morning just to remind me that they were going to do the cannon things outside so i shouldn't be scared like OMG WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING OUTSIDE?! 

-I love how i call s1 in times of weakness and she says:
'You have to keep reminding yourself of who you are. People will always try to bring you down. But wohi baat hoti hai na, nothing can shoot me down waali. Bas socho ke mujhe koi nai hila sakta. Jo marzi kar lain'.

-I love how I wanted a new phone so bad and my dad got me my s3 and then they all suprised me by hiding it in a shoe box.
*s1 casually*: Mom got you these shoes. I don't know if you will like them but try karlo.
*I open the box, there are actual shoes in there. I take one out and try it*
s1: Doosra bhi try karo na idiot.
Where the shoes went i don't even know.

-I love how every time i get off the bus and meet dad, he kisses me on the cheek or the head.  

-I love how Nd kept knocking on the door for ages while i was hiding inside refusing to go out with everybody because i was in a bad mood. He said i could take as much time as i wanted but they wouldn't leave without me.

-I love how when i was around 13, my sisters found my secret diary and read my secret emo stuff. And then wrote a long three page reply explaining how nothing was as dark as i thought it was. I also love laughing my head off when we read it together now.

-Me whining to mom: Maa main ganji ho jaungiii. Bohut hairfall ho raha hai.
Mom: Its seasonal. Theek ho jayega.
Me: Nahi. Main ganji ho jaungi. Pakka.
Dad *thinking im seriously worried* : Nai nai pagal. Nai hoti ganji. Kabhi dehka hai koi larki aisay hi ganji ho jaye? Kuch nahi hoga. Theek ho jayega.
Me: Hahahahah awww.

I love Mom's random calls while i'm at the hostel: Ghar aa jao. Chor do college aur tests aur sab kuch. Bas ghar aa jao kal hi. Mainay keh dia hai.

I love how my parents still make fun of each other and laugh at the little things in life and teach us the same. 

I love how being the youngest, I will always be pampered and protected by these few people no matter how harsh the world gets. As s1 says: Baby ho, babie ban ke raho.

Nothing makes me heart happier and warmer than being with the people I love. Just sitting at the dinner table, watching shitty shows on the tv and laughing at each other, drinking chaaye with mom's favorite plain cake. It's where all my strength lies, after God.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Of perfect mornings.

Sneaking out of the house early in the morning with eyes streaked red with sleep. Beautiful wet roads. Cheese omelettes, chaye and old Nazia hassan songs. French toast that melts in your mouth and makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. Conversations decorated with laughter. Drive back home. No one talks much as song after song brings back old memories. Each one of us thinks of different things and different people. But we're not distant. Still together. One of us whistles a tune and my heart smiles. Rain splatters constantly and then suddenly stops as we near home. We Change back into pjs and tees before dad wakes up.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Controlled explosion.

Everybody is stupid.
I am angry.
I hate Leonard from big bang theory. Boy he makes me angry.
I'm just really angry.

You know what i want?

I want to swim.
 And i want to spend the money I've saved.
 And i want to go out everyday and befriend awesome people.

ALSO. I have realized that the hour after Sehri. It makes me have 4-hour long conversations about life. It's a vulnerable time.


Anyway. I'll make do with coffee and biscuits.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Some things.

There are somethings that only dad can do. Like open my jar of puck at Sehri with his eyes barely open. Or add an extra hole in my sandal/watch strap. Or make fun of me when I fall sick. And somethings only mom can do. Like. Feed me freshly cooked rice out of a tiny plate with her own hands. Pick up a drad cockroach and throw it away. And this:

Me: Ma I need a lamp.
Ma: okay. Kis tarha ka lamp?
Me: Bas lamp. Kisi bhi tarha ka. Yellow light chaiye.
Ma: angry birds wala le aaun?

Aww my baby.

Monday, July 22, 2013


Had the greatest weekend I've had in a while. With family. There was genuine laughter and fun and warmth. But there's also this mindless purposeless-ness and disconnection with the world and everyone in it that is just not going away.

What am I going to do?

Thursday, July 18, 2013

From a different chamber.

I said I'd write a post from the heart, but I don't think i have it in me to write one. Not that I don't have anything to write. Infact I have a lot on my mind but this is no place for it. What i do write is also from the heart, but it's from a different chamber altogether.

It's almost two a.m. I am in my room. Just had a bottle of mountain dew. Looked through some clothes online, found nothing except a nice wear-at-home tee. Had green tea earlier which tasted awful. It was bitter and made my throat feel weird but i had it anyway. Meetings cousins tomorrow. Should be fun. I feel disturbed when i see people break into pieces right in front of me because of love. I'm halfway through reading A farewell to arms and I don't like Catherine Barkley. There's no me. I'm you. I'm a good girl aren't I? What is up with that? Frankly, I find it pretty annoying. I don't get people who have no sense of self. It's unacceptable

s1: You have this quality..
me: I know.
s1: Something in you that makes everybody want to be your mom.
me: I know.
s1: Why is that?
me: I don't know. But it works for me.

I watched A Roman Holiday today. Ah. What a movie. It was like a hug. Audrey Hepburn has a great smile. Radiant. I love scolding mom. She is such a bunny. White bunny. I want to write a letter to someone. Don't know who. But i would love to write one. I love letters. People don't write letters anymore. My third knuckle is always painful and makes it hard for me to write during exams.

Me: Hi
N: I miss you. Bleh. Whatever. kthanksbye.
Me: LOL.Yeaaah, i was fun wasn't I? (:
N: Don't push it.

Never ask people what's wrong with them if you don't really want to know. It's unfair to everyone. The other day i was talking to s2 about being there for people. And i told her to be there silently. And she said that silently being there doesn't count. And i told her that it does. Because i mean. I'm always silently there for people. What the hell.

Me: Say something interesting and i'll write it on my blog.
W: Oooo okay.
     Water flotation device.
Me: ....

Mom calls me the buffer of the family. She says that i neutralize everything. My mom has a golden heart. I want one too. I hate how most of the times I have no self control. I'm very easy on myself but also very hard. Never in front of other people though. Never be hard on yourself in front of other people or they will be hard on you too. I think.

Tomorrow is a new day. Let's rejoice.

p.s. 400th post! Special thanks to all those people who read and comment. You make my day. Truly.

Sunday, July 14, 2013


So i started watching Woody Allen's Annie Hall and have not completed it yet. So far the only thing it has made me realize is that I've always disliked dodge 'em cars and i love vegetable peelers. Its past midnight and my original plan was to start studying but i ended up whining to s1 about college and people for an hour. And now I'm here because s1 is asleep and I'm not done talking.
Had a sleepover at a friend's place. We all got together and talked incessantly through the night.    

There was this part where we were supposed to talk about everyone's good and bad points. When it came to me, nothing bad was said except that i'm lazy and one of them said that she had never really seen my emotional side. And that was weird because it made me realize that these are my friends from school and they don't even know my flaws. So just for the sake of their education, i told them of a few. And felt better.

“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.” - Jack Kerouac.

What a beautiful thing to say.
I find it hard to study with an empty stomach. Burning clean stomach. Burning clean mind. I wish i could have that but. Mind's all hazy and low battery-ish. All the time. Even with the coffee.
S1 bought these weird sugar free cookies today. I had them with a nice cup of coffee and they weren't half bad. Speaking of chocolates (I know no one spoke of chocolates, but i did so in my head), i think there are two types of people in the world. People who love Bounty and people who don't. I for one, belong to the former group. I love bounty.Yummy. Although i don't like any other coconut flavored food.

I think sneezing in summers is the weirdest thing. I sneeze a lot. I never was the allergic type. But now i am. It's funny how your system changes with time.

My crazy dreams are back. I haven't been writing them down for some reason. I don't know why. It's been a while now. But i did dream about the Raynaud's disease except in my dream, it meant something different, and people suffering from it were offended by the word 'Fairy'.

I think i should go and eat something now.
Also i think a post from the heart is coming soon. Maybe. Let's see.
More later.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Bullets 14

  • Being in my new home is such a joy. It's so peaceful. I feel like I am on vacation and i feel at home at the same time. 
  • Met my friends today. Crazy little shits. Love to embarrass me in public. But they make me laugh. And that's what i love about them.
  • Harder times are to come in near future I'm predicting. And my problems are often not my problems but when has that made anything easier? 
  • I have learned that hospitality goes a long way with people. Must learn to be more hospitable. I am too informal for my own good i think.
  • I have also learned that it's good to keep your distance from people who bring out your uglier side. You know how Rumi says. 'Set yourself on fire. Be with those who fan your flames.' That. Them. The fans. Those are the ones you want to be with.
  •  I dreamt that it was raining very hard and I was riding a bicycle really fast. Almost flying. I was laughing and could feel the wind rush through my heart. But then I got kidnapped and people started slashing me with blades and stuff. Yeah..i know. Bi polar much?
  •  I hate negativity and all kinds of emo shit in case you haven't noticed. Also, I saw some girls do a presentation the other day. It reeked of desperation. I hate that too. I mean. Give me a break will you?
Anyway. Here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure.
Took this on a morning busride.

Reading hemmingway, surrounded by books. <3 br="">

The comfort of wooden floors and lamps.


Friday, June 28, 2013


After working on a big presentation for hours, me in a jittery state:

Me: Okay so I have to somehow say all of this in one minute. Drugs like caffeine, theophylline and amphetamine are generally-
*N pours a glass of water over my head*
N: You need to lighten up.


Sunday, June 16, 2013

Pieces of life.

I love teacups. And sherlock holmes. And Titanic. I love coffee and sandwiches. Fat crispy sandwiches. And cinnamon rolls. The coffee shouldn't be too sweet though. Books with names like Richmond and Huxley. And pen and paper. And ink. Yellow old paper that has turned soft. Rooms with minimal furtniture. Study tables. Table lamps. Yellow light. That new bag that I haven't yet bought. With the long chain. Rain. On beautiful rain. At night and in the morning. Bus rides. Window seat. Communication. Long conversations that shake my neurons. Family. Unbreakable bonds. Piano. Instrumentals. Fur Elise. Little beauty boxes with dancing girls. Old disney movies and friendship. Laughter. Uncontrollable senseless laughter. The smell of caramel popcorns inside the cinema. Loose shirts. Shopping. A thousand shirts and pants and shoes and everyday things. Showers. Acid clean. Burgers. And fries. With a drink. Slurp. Little bald girls in frocks. Crazy funny little girls. Thunderstorms. Bicycles. Swimming. Movement. Adrenaline. Life.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Ten things.

You know I've been trying to write in here for some time now. I keep having nice thoughts and little things that I want to write about but then I get distracted. I guess the only time I'm focused enough to write is when I want to whine. How sad. But that's the way it is so must listen to me now.

Okay so. I have this really stupid test tomorrow for which I need to look at some images and I don't have those images and I keep asking people to help me but everybody is dead apparently and I am alone in the world. So I will go to college tomorrow with zero prep and no one will blame me when I fail. Okay? Okay.

Second. It's SO freakin hot these days. It's like the sun wants to enter my face. In class, the A.Cs don't seem to work and I feel like I'm sitting in butter. And there is no oxygen. Only lots and lots of CO2 exhaled by the gazillion other people sitting next to me. Buttery blob of carbon dioxide I sit in.

Third. Im hating college these days. Well, I hate it most days but I mean every single day, I feel like I can't take it anymore.  But I know that I have to so I plod on. Dragging my feet. Through butter. And it's not fun.  And then there are things that I have to do every day that I don't enjoy and so there's a lot of inertia and most of the times I end up giving in. I don't have it in me now. Bas.

Fourth. Did I tell you that I'm living with N now? I wanted to do a post on living with N. But I suck with words and every time I tried, I ended up erasing it. Bleh. So in short. Living here is fun. Her family is nice. Her mom is just like Mrs. Weasly and she stuffs me with food and reminds me of my mom, which is nice. We listen to a lot of radio in the car, me and N. It's nice. We also go out on walks and talk about things from the heart. I will always remember this. That she and her family took me in when I needed it the most. No questions and no I issues. There is warmth here that I like.

Family shifted to a new house and I haven't even seen it yet. How upsetting.

Sixth. A week or two ago. Me and s2 had this thing with Nd. I talked to him about it and things got really weird and I was very sad and upset about it. But then we met and everything was fine again. The issue was pushed under the rug. I was just glad about things being awesome again. Because I don't have anyone else in my life who is as generous and kind as dependable as him. So it's important for me that things never get ruined with him.

Seventh. N has boy issues. And I don't know how to sort this shit out because nothing that I say or do will make it better because only she and her boy D can do this. And they really need to sort it out. Because it makes me very uneasy because I feel like issues shouldn't exist. When I get a boy, I will show you how it's done.

Eighth. I cut my hair. They were really long and shapeless so I cut most of them. I feel fresh now. Yay.

Ninth. I have no energy. I mean. I always feel like I need an energy drink. Which sucks. You know why? I'll tell you why. It's because you see. When I'm having fun and when I'm around people that k love being around and people who I can talk to and laugh with, I feel alive. I don't feel tired.  I mean I do feel tired but I don't feel the need to down a litre of caffeine to stay up. It's when I'm uninspired and surrounded by butter when I feel like I need some externally administered energy. And it's sad because it means that I'm just not happy with ... okay this needs a bullet of its own.

Tenth. I am not happy with where my life is at right now. I am lost. And I am lost in more than one aspects of my life. This is shitty and unacceptable and I hate it. This is not me. I am cheerful and happy. I am the sun. Except im not. I'm actually the rain which is cooler. But yeah you get the point. I don't like being in this state and God help me through June and I will make July awesome. Bas. And okay. I'm done. S2 is about to call me.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

The Face Enterer.

There is this girl in my class. I thought she was sweet and harmless so I was nice to her. And she once let me borrow a novel too. So. I said okay. Nice little girl.
Lately she's started hanging around me and my friends a lot more. I don't mind.

There's this thing.

Everytime she talks to you, she comes so close, like within an inch of your face and then refuses to move. I mean okay. Not an inch. Definitely more than a few inches but really really close okay? And it is ANNOYING. Also, she never takes her eyes off yours  so it also becomes a little creepy.
Whenever she talks to me, I feel like she's entering my face. Seriously.  Entering my freakin face. And since she's a little short so it actually feels like she's climbing my face.

I mean the other day some girls from my batch and I (including her) were prepping for our viva and she was asking me to explain something to her but as usual, I was distracted by the face entering. So I took a step back. She took a step forward. I took another step back. She took another step forward. We kept doing this till I got backed up by a wall. And then, I laughed a little. At my misery. She didn't even ask why I was laughing. All the while she was talking to me, all I could think of was what her reaction would be if I suddenly pushed her and went like 'STOP ENTERING MY FACE OMG!!@!@'. But that wasn't too realistic so I also came up with some normal things to say like 'Hey, please could you step back a little? :) '.
As expected though, I ended up saying nothing.

So for now, I'm stuck with the face enterer. Everytime I look sideways, she's just..there. It makes me cringe.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Sad little rant.

So life has been extremely shitty lately. My patience is being supremely tested. I want to snap at everyone and slit their throats while doing so. People just need to stop being shitty.
June. I need something to make june bearable. I can't take one more month of this. I've been whining and ranting to everyone who'll listen which is actually s1, s2 and N. Talking of N, I finally snapped at her too today for being all busy and diffused. She's back to normal now I think. So. I've been planning to move to her house for the next month because the living situation here at the hostel has become absurd. But then. It's not that simple. There are things that need to be figured out and dad's being a dad and has his concerns. So I don't know what will happen. I just got off the phone with my parents and I sort of gave them an idea of how uncomfortable I am these days. Now they're trying to figure something out but im afraid that I've upset them. Poor cute parents. Maybe I'm just trying to find an easy way out of this. Or maybe my rants are justified.  I don't know. Maybe I can take it. Problem is, I don't want to. Because this place makes me unhappy and I need some social support. So. I don't know. Let's see.

I like table tennis btw.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Summer afternoon memories.

Often during hot and uncomfortable summer afternoons at the hostel I think about how magical these afternoons used to be back when I was in school and still lived at home.

I remember how mad my mom used to get when it was July and schools were still on. She thought it was inhumane to ask children to go to school when it was that hot. At off time, she'd send the driver with a thermos full of ice cold Rooh Afza/ Jaam e shireen, and flipflops for us to change into so that we could cool off our feet in the car.
As soon as we got home, she would rush us to her room which she'd keep fully air conditioned for us. Food would come in minutes, while we washed our faces and hands. Garam home made roti and home made saalan. Often she would feed it to us with her own hands while we watched the Flintstones, the Jetsons or the Power puff girls. Fruits came next. Mangoes, plums, watermelons and the like. Feeling heavy, happy and sleepy we'd insist on going to sleep in our uniforms. But she would make us change. We rarely won that argument. After that, she'd turn the lights off and we would doze off into a deep exhausted sleep, while she went about the house doing what she did. More supermom stuff.

I guess I miss my mom.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Bullets 13.

Elections came and went. Will not talk about them here though. That is all that everybody, including me has been talking about since the past i don't know how many months. I don't think that's bad. It's about the future of this country and everybody should be talking about it. I just don't want to do it here. Not on my cute blog where i talk about useless things.

I have realised that i need to let go of this compulsive picture taking habit of mine. Whenever something important happens, i make sure to take a picture of it. Whenever i'm happy, i take a picture of my surroundings. Whenever i eat something amazing, i take a picture. To somehow save the moment in some way. I don't upload these on facebook or anything. I just keep them. So that when i look back at them, i can revisit whatever i felt back then. But it has become a compulsion and that is not good. So i'm going to try and lose the habit.

I have also realised that I don't like Robbie Williams. He's too weird. I mean, I liked him in Good Will Hunting but that's it. Oh, i liked him in Dead Poet's Society too. But yeah. That's it. Actually I like him in nice sober roles. But when he tries to be funny, he's annoying. He should know that.

Wanderlust: a strong desire for or impulse to wander or travel and explore the world.
My middle name is wanderlust.

My face is growing fatter day by day. MUST CONTROL. MUST CHEW GUM. Must stop eating all the delicious mamafood that mom's making me while i'm home. Parathas and french toast and biryani and whatnot.

I'm sleepy. I will go read some blogs now. People don't write much. It's annoying. I want new posts on my dashboard every morning okay?? Okay.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Rambling on.

Hello, little people.

So, I'm home. For the elections obviously. It's big. And I'm glad to be a part of it. Anyhow.
It's a short trip. I can't wait for college to end. I want long days at home with a nice proper routine that i could follow. That would give me some peace. I'm using s1's new laptop. I really like it. I think it takes some getting used to but i don't mind.
I made some really nice coffee for myself. Felt good. I might study a bit today.
Oh and i also made myself a fat sandwich in the morning. Yum!
I'm a little bit sick of everything. What an annoying state to be in.
I feel exploding love for my parents pretty much all the time these days. They have such big hearts. I mean. I can't explain it. It's quite over whelming a lot of times.
I'm reading this book that my friends gifted to me. The thing i love about books is how every book teaches you at least one new thing. It's amazing. Books. Yum. Nd took me along to a bookshop the other day so i could find him a book that would interest him. But we didn't have much time and me and s2 had to leave for home soon so i couldn't find one. It's hard to find him a book to read. Anyway i did suggest a few. So let's see. I need good books for myself too. Suggestions are most welcome.
I like rambling to myself. Oh my God, its 7 pm already. The day is ending way too fast for my liking. And tomorrow is of course going to be busy and I'm going back to Survival Camp after that. Not cool.
I need a new watch. Also I miss my old shampoo. What little things.
I had such a beautiful dream last night. It's torture. In a good way. I don't know. I love these dreams.
Oh and the other night, i had one million dreams. Actually i have been having one million dreams every night lately. My sleep isn't too good you know.
I was watching this movie called The Messenger. It was weird. Doesn't the guy in that remind you of
Tom Felton?
My mom likes to tire herself. Restless little bunny she is.
Hmm. I don't want to stop writing. I want coffee and cinnabon all the time. It's a great combination.
Dreamt about this thing called the Angel's Syndrome the other night.
I sometimes notice things about people. Really tiny things that they do. A habit, gesture, change of expression, a special undertone in their voice. Things too subtle to be explained. I sometimes want to make other people notice them but when i start talking about it, it sounds so far fetched and all over the place that i almost always give up. Just sayin.
Life is constantly moving forward, leaping ahead at full speed actually without any consideration for my plans or my mood or my anything. I mean, wait a bit will you?
Oh. I had to write about my friends. I met my home friends yesterday. After 4 months i think. It was great. I mean. I love them. They're sort of the craziest people i know. I don't have much in common with them. They're very lame a lot of times. But. They're friends. I feel a sense of belonging when i'm with them and trust me that does not come easy with me. They're just nice people. Really stupid and gossipy too. But nice. And i loved laughing with them yesterday. And even though we're all in different places right now, we  make sure we meet up from time to time and don't lose touch.
Oh God. This post is too long. Are you still reading? Funny, if you are. But okay.
So okay I think i'm done.
More later.

Also. I don't like Ratatouille. The movie. I didn't really like Despicable me much either. But I loved Megamind.
Thankyou and Good bye. 

Monday, April 29, 2013

Bullets 12.

- I went down to the cafe this afternoon to grab something to eat before sleeping. I took my novel along and found a spot under the shade to stand in while waiting for my order. I started reading. It was hot. I saw some ants near my feet. The guy at the cafe turned up the volume of a song playing in the background. And suddenly I was in a car with my cousins and sisters, driving on the roads of another city sometime after midnight. We were tired. The happy kind of tired. And just like that I was in two places at once. My heart soared a little, and I smiled.

- I learned something the other day. That it's okay to miss out on things once in a while. You can't always be everywhere all the time and do all the things you want to do. One or two things you will have to let go of. And the world will not end. More will come. Cuz being a hungry dog never helped anyone.

- So im drinking this energy drink that I have been craving for a while now. It tastes like cheap acid. And I feel my stomach burning inside but ah it feels so good. The problem with too much caffeine though is that it makes my neurons fire at increasing rates and not in the direction I want them to. They fire away in all directions like bright little phosphenes. Focus is needed. But this feels good too.

- I miss David Tennant in Doctor who. I miss him so much. The thing I loved best about him was the whole love for humanity in all its imperfection thing. I miss him. My little dolly. And this scene made me cry:

*Jackson Lake : Tell me one thing. All those facts and figures I saw of the Doctor's life, you were never alone. All those bright and shining companions. But not any more?

The Doctor : No.

Jackson Lake : Might I ask why not?

The Doctor : They leave. Because they should or because they find someone else. And some of them, some of them... forget me.


The Doctor : I suppose in the end, they break my heart.


- It's quite frustrating when you see someone and you see right through them and they're busy doing their thing, their little dance, thinking that they're totally fooling everybody except they're not and you just feel amused but also a little sad and maybe confused too, about how blind they are and how blind they think you are. It's all just a little pathetic. And it makes you look away. It's frustrating.

- It's almost midnight. I want to write and write and note down every thought that comes into my head and write it all down and give words to all this smoke in my head. Aaaaaaa.

- Dreams. My lovely dreams. I like you.

More later.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Bullets 11.

* 'There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others.  My courage always rises with every attempt to intimidate me.' - Elizabeth Bennet.

* I should be studying. I can't focus. I just changed into some really comfy pjs and a super comfy t shirt that is not mine. I think it's going to be my favourite shirt.

* My mom sent me a new bedsheet. Feels home-y. Makes me think of home.

* I don't like my sisters because they don't talk to me 24/7. S1 said that people have other important things to do. But I told her nothing was more important than me. Of course.

* Yesterday was close to perfect. I spent my day in a fully air conditioned room. Had coffee with cinnabon. The coffee was just the way I like it. I watched Harry Potter, and a french movie that had more french than english, and read parts of Pride and Prejudice. Delightful.

* Next time I go home, I'm going to be in our new house. I didn't say goodbye to the old one. It was deliberate. I hate goodbyes. They are messy. So I just left. Without a thought. Told s2 to take lots of pictures before shifting.

* I skyped with my family last night. It felt really good. I feel at peace when everyone is happy and getting along with each other.

* N is a little here and there these days. Don't get to talk to her as much as I would like to. Considering how hungry for social I am nowadays.

* I love my phone too much.

* I want to travel. So bad. Send me a ticket to somewhere someone please.

* I can't memorize these stupid drugs. I keep forgetting them.

* r2 just burst out laughing while drinking water. That has happened twice today.

* I have this black shirt that has a huge peace sign on it.  I want to wear it.

Hmm. Okay bye. More later.

Friday, April 19, 2013

People who try to scare me into doing something,  I feel like murdering them. There and then.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Bullets 10.

- Turns out People were right. I am in fact a Pushover. I am trying to fight it.

- Today really tested my patience. How can fifty thousand things go wrong? And all in one day too?

- I went to this huge shop today full of books and stationery. And for some time, i totally forgot how sleepy or tired of grumpy i was. And that felt good.

- Last night i was so sleepy that I started dreaming before i was properly asleep. I like that kind of exhaustion.

- I am watching a movie that I've watched before and I really shouldn't be wasting my time on that.

- I did end up going out with N the other day to watch a play and also stayed over at her place later. Me, her and her guy D, walked around a lot, watched a movie, sat in silence for more than an hour, window shopped, actually shopped, ate ice cream twice, and walked back to their college all the while talking and whining about all kinds of shit. It was nice, the walking. My heels still hurt.
- Survival mode needs to be turned on. There's no other way.

- This girl in my class. She's sort of a friend of a friend. I sat next to her today. She often talks to me about books. And today, she told me that she thinks that i should try writing. Properly. And I'm like. Well I can't. And a little while after I was done explaining to her why i couldn't, she told me that she has this really weird keychain that is very Me, and that she was going to bring it for me.
This amused me. People are so random.

- I want to read Steve Job's biography.

- I have come to realize that I really love Gol gappay. I welcome gol gappay anytime anyday.

- My college is getting on my nerves. And I have been over compensating.

- I feel the need to keep moving. Stillness breeds depression.

- I love intelligent people. Love.

- Need to fix my moral compass amidst other things.

- I don't understand why people quote Marilyn Monroe so much.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Stupid plans.

I was really looking forward to this Sunday. So here is what was supposed to happen.

I was supposed to wake up late, have a good breakfast, watch a stupid Summer-afternoon movie, and then get ready to go out with N, watch this play that we were supposed to watch, go back to her place, have coffee, talk talk talk, eat a lot of junk, and complete watching Django Unchained. And then she was supposed to drop me to college the next morning.

Here is what really happened:

I woke up crying. Because of this emotionally draining nightmare that I had about the death of someone i'm close to. I mean, I couldn't breathe. Really. Anyway after i was done crying, I cleaned the entire room with r2, and rearranged some furniture which is something i hate doing.Then I went out in the sun to grab breakfast. Decided to watch a nice stupid summer-afternoon movie, halfway through which N texted me to cancel our plans for the day. I mean. WHAT? I was super bummed. Texted my sisters who didn't reply, which made me want to kill everyone. So i went to sleep. Slept a lot. Woke up feeling hot. So i drank some super cold juice that was way too sweet but i mixed it with water which made it okay. This cooled me down. Now i'm hungry and have nothing to do. And so, this sucks.


Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Motion blur.

I am but a floating hippie at heart who has forgotten which clock works and which doesn't. 
And life is only my blurry snapshot.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

This weekend.

Badly. Badly needed this.

S2. Breakfast at cinnabon. Life of Pi at 2 am in the morning. Short visit to W1's house. The doll joke. Liberal arts. Dholki. Redbulls. Crazy frenzied Tabboo games till 6 am in the morning. Pizza. Tasting crab for the first time. Sleeping in the car while it rained outside. Playing dodge with the loadshedding. Friend's engagement. Professional photography.  Rain and wind. More tabboo. More redbull. Crazy laughter. Best bbq ever. Warm grey hoodie. Early brunch. Lasagna, French vanilla and banana bread.

Off to sleep now.
Back to life tomorrow.  

Saturday, March 16, 2013

If it keeps on raining..

..the levee's going to break.

That's all I'm saying.

P.s. Oh and also. It really really sucks when all your people are sad. And there's nothing you can do to fix any of it. God it drains me out.

Sunday, March 10, 2013


I watched hemmingway and gellhorn today. And now I want a typewriter.  Today is a Sunday. It's a lazy sunday, but that is what I wanted. I stayed in bed most of the day. Had good food too. Oh. I must have coffee. Yes. But what then? I need a good novel to read but I don't have one right now. I have a couple of books in my phone but I don't want those. I want a real book. With pages. I will tell Nd to take me to Readings. And then I can buy something by Hemmingway and see what all the hype is about. Hmm. Dull headaches are the worst aren't they? I watched Argo with W2 and Nd last night. I liked it. I want to watch a really sad movie. One that will make me cry a lot. I am restless. I want things these days that I know I can't get. I know it. But I cant help wanting them more and more everyday. And that's making me restless. I need to change my life situation. And I also want an anchor. There's no anchor. Its s2's birthday tonight. I need to save money to buy gifts for my sisters. I am having trouble with saving money. I love my phone though. More and more everyday. I love it. Coming back to the matter at hand. I'm going to have coffee now and do what? Okay. Lets do something.  Ill go down. Make myself some coffee and ask Nd to suggest something for me to do. Yeah that sounds like a plan. I'm waiting for my hair to dry. Under the fan. The turn of the season is the hardest time on me. Nostalgia engulfs me. No specific memories. Only vague ideas and fleeting thoughts like wisps of smoke. I hate feeling nostalgic. I like walking on the edges of a bathtub. For no reason. I find the concept of the seven deadly sins interesting. I'm a sloth. Ben affleck looks weird in a beard. I need to read amazing stuff. Something to blow me away. My aunt is making me a dress. I'm sort of excited about that. Can't wait for next month. Spring break. But that too will come and go. And there shall be monotony again. Monotony is poison. Nicole kidman looked good in the movie. There's a game called Limbo. I like it.  I'm going to play it. I think my hair is dry enough. Bye now.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013


I want to wear Super sneakers. The ones from Subway surfer. Down two cans of redbull. And I want to run. I want to run so hard. Run over everything.  Roads and trees and hills and houses and bridges and stairs and skies and suns. I want to run through rain and thunderstorms and lightning and snow. And I haven't ever been in snow. I want to run till my muscles start to scream and my heart runs out of fuel. And then I want to crash. In a spa. And get all the treatments they have to offer. And then. I want to fall asleep. For two days and two nights. And have the sweetest of dreams. The ones I'm afraid to write down in fear of ruining them with my words. Those. And that's all. That is all I want. For now.

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Hate is a strong word.

I hate a lot of little things. And big things. For instance.

When people exaggerate. And over react to a situation.  And blow things out of proportion by a mile. I mean. Why can't you take something for what it is? As s1 said the other day. Call a spade a freakin spade for goodness sake. No its not a fork. Nor is it a supersonic giant excavator that digs up gold from underneath the earth. It is a spade. And that is all.

I hate it when people impose their twisted opinions on other people.

I hate self righteous people. Myself being an exception. Understandably.

I hate it when people are extremely nice to me for no reason and then assume that I owe them something.

I hate not having a place to myself anymore. Not being able to spend any Me time. I hate being around people ALL the time.

I hate it when cats block my way.

I hate it when someone asks me to do something and then edits what I've done which makes it not mine and that pisses me off.

I hate watching people struggling to keep their eyes open for things that are not worth staying awake for. I hate it when people are half asleep but they keep denying it for no reason.

I hate it when people lie to themselves and to me.

I hate it when I'm trying to unplug the shower by poking a needle in all it's tiny holes and having a string of water seep down into my sleeve while doing so.

I hate dreaming of insects.

I hate people talking to me when I'm busy and clearly not listening to what they're saying.

I hate it that Sherlock episodes don't come out often enough.

I hate going for a viva unprepared.

I hate it when it rains outside and I sit inside doing nothing.

I hate the night before a test. It makes me hate everything.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Act 21.

Turned 21 yesterday.

It's a special feeling when people you love, people from different parts of your little world get together and go out of their way to make that one day of the year special for you. When everything is about you. You just cant help but feel loved. And cherished. And cared for.  It's's absolutely wonderful.

Celebrated two things this weekend. With people I love. And ive yet to spend a weekend with N. Can't wait.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013


Today was a good day.
And there haven't been too many of those lately. So I'm grateful. And need to record this. So that I can read this and smile sometime in the future when the day hasn't been kind to me.

P.s. Oh. And yesterday was pretty great too.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Morning high

Woke up around 8 a.m. Heard the wind outside. Got out of the bed, straight to the balcony and waited for the wind to wake my brain up. Then went outside to the ground and walked in the wind for about thirty minutes. Got a text from r1 that breakfast was ready. Came inside and had tea with yummy cream cheese sandwich and eggs. Then it started raining. Hard. With hail. Ran outside with the roomies. Got drenched. Took my shoes and socks off. Had my feet frozen. Borrowed a clerk's bicycle. Cycled in the rain. Petrichor. And the scent of fresh paint. Laughed. Came back inside.
Right now in this moment. Life is good.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

*Big bullets.

- I wake up at 6:20 a.m every morning in search of hot water for my shower. I usually find it because no one really wakes up that early for a shower. I do though. And even though it kills me to get out of bed on a cold grey winter morning when not only my roomates but the entire corridor is asleep, that steaming hot water and that long selfish shower that follows is just worth it. And so I wake up. Every morning. While it's still dark outside. To have those twenty or so minutes of bliss. And I can't complain.

- My throat is sore from all the coughing.  R2 fed me some cough syrup but that hasn't helped. Everyone's sleeping. The room is dark. My head hurts but I refuse to take yet another pain killer. I've grown quite fond of pain killers lately. Must stop popping a pill every time some part of my body hurts. Must not turn into a junkie.

- Buckethead always soothes me btw. It's good study music. Not that I've been studying much lately, but it helps me focus. It helps me drown out my surroundings. 

- I feel like I haven't been doing anything with my life lately. I'm a little yellow leaf that goes wherever the wind takes it. Indifferent to everything, I am sleeping my life away. Literally. And that is because of a lack of motivation. Lack of drive. There's no force pulling me or pushing me towards a single direction. I'm dispersed and distracted. I was talking to Nd about something, and he was like

Nd: Aim for it, and it's doable.
Me: I'll get distracted.
Nd: By what?
Me: I don't know.. the next day.

Which is true. One day, i have goals and aims and all the focus i need. The next day, not so much. Very changeable, i am. Sigh. The other day this senior at college came up to me and asked me why i wasn't yet a part of the Literary Society. I was like. I don't know. And she's like. You should join. We need good people. I can see that you'd be good at it. And i told her that i hate responsibilities and I suck at deadlines. But she asked me to join anyway. Made me feel good.

- I feel more and more Thirteen everyday. And that is not a good thing.

- I saw an autopsy the other day. Unidentified body found on the railway tracks. Train accident. Head so badly bashed, they had trouble orienting it with the neck. A piece of the jaw was totally separated and lying next to the head. What's weird was how detached i felt watching it all. For me, it's all flesh and bones and blood. What does affect me however, is an unmutilated body. Untouched and intact. Yet without a pulse. Without that essence of life that separates the living from the dead. The subtle differences. Those are the things that scare me.

Ah. Anyway. Enough with the morbid talk. I should get some studying done.
I'm going to miss the winter sky.

Sunday, January 27, 2013


I can't even begin to describe how annoyed I am at the moment.
It pisses me off when I feel this way and nothing I do makes a difference. How annoying is that?
Some people I want to talk to right now and some people I wish would stop talking to me for a while.
I dont have any idea about what I'm going to do about this test I have tomorrow. The course is dull and huge. Yuck.
Negative negative negative.
Oh and on top of everything. I have the flu.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Bullets 9.

Multiple emotions and all kinds of shit is going on inside my head right now. 13 new files were just added to my dropbox. Ahan. So?

I'm in a room that wasn't always this desolate or empty. Which makes it an uncomfortable place for me to be in right now.

What is it that people say? Be safe than sorry. But you can't always be safe. You can never be safe enough. Its suffocating.

My head hurts. Maybe it's because i need to drink more water. Or maybe it's because of the new specs i'm wearing. I have vowed to myself to take care of these glasses. They are for domestic stupid use.
But i need to take care of them.

I'm stealing the neighbors wifi. There is still goodness in the world.

My cellphone keeps blinking. It's the yellow light. Means, someone either texted me or it's one of the gazillion group whatsapp messages that i get everyday. Let's see. It was s2. She shares my sadness about the room that is now empty.

I need to stop feeling things so much. Little things. That take up so much space in my head. I need to de-clutter. Which is not always easy. But i need to try. Must stop over thinking, and over analyzing

Watched 12 Angry men today. Loved it.

It's quite cold. I'm wearing a flimsy shirt. Should've worn an upper over it. I don't know why I didn't. Maybe i should. I don't care. Except if i don't, the blood in my arms will soon freeze. And i won't be able to type. And we can't have that can we?

Nd said that I'm self obsessed. He is more self obsessed than I am. Everybody knows that.

My friend, sd got married today. It made me feel very weird. I teared up when i went to say goodbye. Made her cry as well.

I need comfort tonight. Maybe i should just go to sleep. The headache refuses to leave.

It's going to be a long month. But then there's always February. Something to look forward to.

I haven't been updating my dream page lately. Just being lazy. Had more than a few idiotic/awesome dreams.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Of 2012 and random nothings.

2013 is here. Hi. I feel futuristic.
2012 came and went. And the world didn't end. I didn't expect it to anyway.

This year was. Hmm. I think it was like any other year. It was just another milestone in my life, unique in itself in some ways of course. This year,

I grew. I refused to grow. I ran from the truth. I confronted some fears. Met new people. Forgot about them. Revised my opinions about some people. Learned some lessons. Surprised people. Got surprised. Faced disappointment. Wasted time. Begged for more time. Slept a lot. Stayed up for days. Zoned out. Had a quiet birthday. Stopped being a teenager. Dreamed a lot. Lost a lot. Stayed lost. Fought with uncertainty. Had my patience tested. Broke some rules. A lot of rules. Made new rules. Broke them too. And made them again. Got mad at my self. Got mad at the world. Found peace. Struggled with doubt. Consumed more caffeine than ever before. And whined about everything.
 It was like all the years before it. It was a year of love. And loneliness. And doubt. And comfort. And strength. And laughter. And restlessness. And gratitude. And then there was more.

Oh well.

On an abrupt note, here are some pictures of random nothings. Random nothings are awesome.

A lamp and other shit in s1's room.

Aw. My little loyal one. You were nice to me.

A parrot i fount at my friend's place.

Shiny paan. :D


My little baby. :')

p.s Both food items were made by s1.