Mornings these days smell of pakistan and childhood. My khalas house. My old house. Lawns and dhoop. It smells the same. And stirs all sorts of feelings inside me. And I'm not a fan of nostalgia, especially when I'm pmsing. No thankyou.
Lindt's caramel and sea salt is divine. I take two blocks every day with tea but today I had four. Oops. I'm watching the wedding planner. It's 10 am. I'm done with breakfast and I'm lounging in my big baby pink hoodie and feeling cozy. I will doze off when sleep comes. I'm trying to savor this feeling. The world feels bleak and painful right now. But it has also made me more aware of the safety and comfort I live with everyday. It's overwhelming.
It's raining outside. I'm having coffee. I'm going to head out to gym after this. I have things to do. But I don't want to do them. I'm allergic. I don't want to do anything cumbersome anymore. Last night I was thinking. Self reflecting maybe. That I am a creature of comfort.
Guess what I really miss right now. Heaters in the dark, back home. When the light is out, and all you can do it sit around the heater, possibly munching on peanuts with family lazing around different parts of the room. Then someone suggests we need chai, and everyone agrees. Then my mom offers samosas or ghar walay chips and we say yes please. And life is good.
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This post ^ has been sitting in my drafts for over a month. So i will write some more and publish.
The past month has been mostly about me languishing. Gym saves me. The mall too. But other than that, haven't done much. There is so much anxiety and guilt attached to being free. Non productive. I know everyone says rest is good, rest is important. But, because my career hasn't panned out the way i planned, despite mountains of effort, I feel I might not deserve this rest. Then I tell myself no. I do in fact deserve it. I deserve to wake up and plan fun activities, waste time, take it slow. When else will I get this chance? I am trying my best to rest. But it's hard. Sound like first world problems. Sound like anxiety problems. But it is how i feel.
Things that annoy me about movies:
People brushing their teeth and talking at the same time.
People vomit all the time, and they show us the vomit.
They always say I love you accidentally, mid sentence. Then they're caught so off guard by the realization I mean fuck off already. Didn't you know?
The main character takes his/her love interest to a lake side or a rooftop and tells them how they used to come up here or down there with their grandfather or dad or mum or uncle who would impart endless wisdom and build core memories.
There are many more but I will pause for now.
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It's a beautiful day. Orange and golden and three and a half shades of blue.
I am having coffee, so I can go to the gym and run for 30 minutes, followed by maybe 20 minutes on the AMT? Or will I do the rowing machine today. We will see.
We will have Palnadu biryani from this place tonight. I am salivating at the thought.
Alright bye.
