Friday, November 25, 2016

Clock in, clock out.

Life is like a magic ball these days. Remember magic balls? The crazy little shits that are super bouncy and once you let them go they bounce off every single surface around you with the speed of light making it impossible to catch them at all? Life is like that these days. All I got are these little snatches of time, me time, that I try to stretch out and live in as long as I possibly can. Time is relative. So I mentally stretch these pockets of time and make them my own. Right now, I'm on my way to work. My stomach is a complete mess and so are my sinuses. For breakfast I had two Panadol Extras and one brave bite of leftover pizza.  What I like about work is how every day is a new chance to be good to people, to make their life a tad bit easier, better. A pleasant interaction can make your day. And it can be with anyone. Smile when you talk. Joke around a bit. Listen. Be kind. Not very hard. I try to do all of these. I like it when I've had a long long day but it has been a productive one. Anyway.

I think that nothing in life is harder than having to watch your loved ones be in pain. I can handle my own pain. My problems will never bug me as much as another person's will. Because I can control myself and I can fix myself, because I know how to. But you cant always fix other people's painful hearts and greyed souls. You can't change who they are or who they've become at this point in their life. You cannot make them behave a certain way even if you believe it might help them. It is a bit agonizing but even more so because you know that if youre feeling bad, they're probably feeling worse.

One of the highlights from this week for me was my early morning breakfast with N the other day. We sat on a rooftop and it was sunny but cold and I had a hearty omelette and she had yogurt with fruit and granola and that was three days ago and I knew I was going to make myself the same thing at home so I did. I put yogurt and granola and pomegranate and banana in a bowl and gobbled it up. It makes for a great breakfast. I was humming the Lion king's Sega, level one soundtrack all day today. Still am.

I am perpetually tired and my body is warm and achy in different places everyday. N says that I get this vibe about me when I am working. A dull/dead vibe. She doesn't like it. I don't feel it though. *Shrugs*

The other day a friend asked me what I was thankful for. That made me think of things and I didnt really have to think hard because I am actively consciously thankful for many small things every day. So I think maybe I will write about the small things that I am grateful for, in the next post. My posts are never planned, which is so obvious but I think I will be writing about this. Hmm.

Okay, till then.

Friday, November 4, 2016

Rage against the dying of the light.

I am groggy this morning because I did not get enough sleep last night because me and V accidentally talked for 6.5 hours over the phone. Yes. We talked about career plans and clothes and movie ideas and how the world turns and life decisions and my emotional constipation. Mom woke me up earlier than I wanted to and kept me up till the urgency to sleep left me and now I'm in that uncomfortable foggy state of mind where you have nausea with eyes full of headache yet you can't fall back asleep. But isn't it the best feeling to lie in bed in the morning and stretch like a cat cat cat? It is, i know.

I stayed over at N's place the other night. I cannot emphasize enough on how important it is to have a place other than your home to crash at. I have always had a Place. I helped her bake a cake with three colours, and we had tea and i had dinner with her family and her mom kept asking me to eat more chicken. I also had conversations with her sisters, which is always interesting. Because I don't know how to interact with kids really, and the youngest is 11 i think. She asked me questions that she thought were General knowledge questions like, 'What river flows under the London Bridge?' and 'If you mix salt and water, is it a mixture or a solution?' and 'What four cells is a connective tissue made of?'. I got them right btw because i am amazing like that except for the last one which i forgot about heh. I enjoy being in a house with school-going kids, because it reminds me of when i was little, things like a geometry box, homework diary, clay for making pots. Have i ever mentioned that i am interested in pottery? I would like to try that one day.

I love to nap after a good breakfast. More like, dozing off. I love breakfast. I love mornings that are chilly and quiet. I love cold sunny mornings. I love coffee with peanut butter sandwich; warm crispy toast and soft sticky peanut butter with a swig of bitter coffee. Mmmm. I love that time around dawn when the room temperature is perfect. Not too cold, not too warm.

Work has begun. Deadly routine starts tomorrow. I badly want a LOTR marathon with N. I think it's going to bring me much joy. Yesterday i texted her 'Magnum' and after a while she said open the gate. And there she was with two magnums. Isn't that just.. everything? I was thinking about how some times you think that you can have everything at the same time, and you realise somewhere along the way that no, you have to choose between one of the two. You have to commit somewhere. Prioritize. Sometimes you don't have all the raw material to make an informed decision, but you don't have time and you wing it, and learn to deal with whatever comes. Hahah i am so vague, forgive me.

Work has begun again and tis gruelling as always. No problem, I am managing to stay on top of things. So far. I am wearing socks with bunnies on it, (not very professional, just like Robert Langdon's Mickey mouse watch) but hey, they keep me happy and that's all that matters. It's 11 pm right now and I am dozing off.

This afternoon I was half asleep and I asked some friends what superpower they would want if they could have one. And one of them said she would like to 'have everything'. I said well that's pretty boring. Another friend couldn't think of one, she said she had never really thought about it and I said that's weird because everyone has thought about this, no? Another friend said he would like to 'know everything'. We also talked about how a lot of people say that they would like to read people's minds. I can hardly handle the noise in my own head, I give zero shits about the junk in everyone else's. Then I told them what I want and they were convinced about how amazing my superpower is. Hmm I suddenly thought of another one. That's pretty great too. Anyway. As I mentioned earlier; I'm quite sleepy so this will have to do for now.