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Saturday, November 11, 2017

Somebody else.

It’s a cold day. The fan is off, the room is silent. My throat feels like it will start hurting by the time I’m back home from lunch. My system does not cope well with physical stress. Headaches escalate and fevers happen. Inconvenience I tell you. I’ve been watching Vikings in bed all day and I like Ragnar. I keep telling s2 that he has a smile about his face. It’s something. 

It’s Halloween today. I am reminded of a yellow kid beaming next to a goat. Just an old dream. 

I am increasingly intrigued by why people behave the way they do. What their masks are made of. What fears drive them? Every one,  everyone has a story. I can’t help but look for it every time I interact with someone. 

The idea that I have, of the kind of person I want to be must not remain an idea. A mirage. Lately, I’ve been making an active effort to become that person. I’m doing things that I am not comfortable with, saying things I would never have had the guts to say three years ago. But I’m doing it now. Because the only way to do it, is to do it. 
Baby steps, baby. 

You think death, disease, doubt, depression, are things that happen to other people. You hear stories, you empathise but don’t relate. Can’t relate, because they are not about you. Not you, never you. But then bit by bit it starts to happen. To you, and those near you and nothing is ever the same and your story is just as ordinary and painful as the next person. 

Life feels churny again. I’m not working but every day is full. V is here. And between shopping trips to sleepovers to maintaining old rituals to struggling to get through all nine hours of the Lotr series before she leaves, I’m trying to deal with one of the saddest things I have faced as an adult. I’m meeting N for breakfast tomorrow morning so we can catch up on the shit we are both dealing with. I have lost half my voice. And 3 a.m thoughts are getting heavier. 

I went cycling today. And cycled to my hearts content. After years. It’s getting cold. Cold enough that my feet are cold and I’m wearing a hoodie. Having air rush through your hair is one of the best feelings. Cycling gives me that. I got this bicycle from N’s little sister and had to cycle back home. S2 drove and I tried to chase her and so I peddled hard and by the time I got home my heart was half out of my chest and I was so nauseous I had to sit next to the flush for five minutes. S2 found this amusing. 

Me and her also sat at the swings for a while as we often do when it gets chilly and white with fog and smog. I should call my dad tomorrow. My throat is dry and painful every night and every morning. I thought about some things last night. I feel liberated in a way. It was really good for me. I ate daal chawal after I got home from cycling. With finely chopped salad just the way I like it. Watched Alias Grace with s2. Criminal psychology fascinates me. But all shows are so predictable. Today was good. In spite of the heart sinking and squeezing every now and then as it does. It was almost peaceful. Still is. So far. 

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Husk from Pluto.

I have trouble writing in here because somehow every thing seems too personal to be written about the way I do. I can write pages; chronicling the banality of my day to day life, but that does not suffice anymore. It does not. The words that do come out are too loud, light..diffused. I've been spending a lot of time on my own. It's just me and dad. Almost every night, I leave my phone behind to go outside for a walk until the mosquitoes (or in some cases, a dragonfly) drive me away. I've seen this sky a million times. The silver moon, red bricks, green tea, and my blue heart. Every thing's the same. My words are lost. They have no where to go. I abandon conversations mid-sentence. Why do people prefer forced enthusiasm over genuine silence? Beats me. When i was little, I used to make it a point to greet my dad every evening when he reached home from work. I would wait and watch him park the car and gather his things. Phone, newspaper, naan, or school supplies that we reminded him to bring on his way back. He would hand these things to me. And i would take them inside. That was all. But well, I grew up, dad grew old, and our respective worlds changed us in ways unforeseen. Yet, despite everything, there are times when I feel i'm still that little girl, waiting to greet her dad every time he comes home. When he does, I go out the gate and i beam at him as he opens the car door. I hug him before he is allowed to enter the house. Then I help him unload the car, his shoes, his shirts in hangers, the grey travel bag. I do it every time.. Maybe we are not the same people we once were. But there is comfort in knowing that some things never change. And that love and warmth is..instinct, hardwired. Isn't it? I am usually in the process of falling asleep at this hour, listening to an audiobook of  the Neuropsychology of Self discipline. It puts me to sleep. I have a feeling that i sound a little bit as if my soul is trapped in a damp dungeon where my thoughts have gone stale and words gone grey. But that is not so. My soul is alight. So much so that it may give birth to a new solar system. So no cause for worry. All is well. Goodnight.

Monday, October 9, 2017

C'est la vie

Today was an emotionally exhausting day. The kind where your head hurts from crying too much but it is your heart that feels the fatigue. But. Thing about me is I feel tons better after a good cry. So I asked s2 to accompany me to grocery shopping. So we went out and treated ourselves to cheese sticks and dessert. There's comfort in shopping for basic necessities like a perfect box of cereal, new washroom slippers, fancy smelling shower stationery. I even got some walnuts and almonds for my bedside. I spent ten minutes in front of a giant pack of Bugles. Did not buy it. Did not buy any adipose inducing food. As of now I feel pretty healthy sipping on my Decaf Chinese herbal tea with lemon. satisfied sigh Head still hurts though.

 Until a few years ago, I used to (very naively, I might add) believe that any and every conflict can be solved through proper dialogue. Say the right things, set the right tone, pick the right time, right intentions right words, right everything and you can reach anybody. You can make them understand, constructive thoughts and ideas will be exchanged, a common ground will be reached and peace will prevail. BOY WAS I WRONG. I have now failed at enough conversations to learn that WAIT. Some times people just don't want to listen to your shit. It is not even about you. It's about them and a large number of variables that are not yours to tweak. You can't reach them. They won't let you. No matter how hard or long you try. And even though you might want to claw the skin off your face. (Out of frustration I mean) You have to know when to let go. Shed your words. Your carefully manicured phrases. Zip up your pocket full of tact. And walk away in grace.

 I abhor bad literature. Poem, prose, letters. Anything. Words that reek of desperation. Brimming with cliches. Save me.

 Today is a bright new day. I slept well. 12 full Hours sans the headache that always follows. Dreamed about having two babies. A girl and a boy. The girl, when I kissed her cheek, there was coffee on her face and on my lips. What does that mean? Is coffee my baby? Hmmm. I woke up and stretched in bed for an hour. Had a good breakfast and watched two episodes of my new guilty pleasure, Gossip girl. I know, I know. Un-raise your eyebrows. The room is cold and quiet. Yellow light and red sheets. Floral bed cover and cute pjs. Next to me is the book I’m currently reading and my grey journal that carries fragments of my unruly thoughts strung together with lightweight words that make everything sound rather glib. (It’s a curse I have to live with). So I am in a world of comfort you can say. Almost Pinterest worthy. One would think I feel fat with content right now. In a way I do. In a way I don’t.

October is here again. The beginning of winter. I have things to look forward to. I've come home for a bit. It's not as bad as i was dreading it would be. But i'm not too great at dealing with the feels i get every time i'm back in this house. A sense of loss? Nostalgia? Love? Groundedness? Loneliness? All of the above, most likely. I'll be staying here for a week, and then its a short trip to north with V, who is crossing oceans soon so we can make new memories. I'm looking forward to it. Rooftop talks and coffee and loud conversation. Re unions and surprises. I'm sure it's going to be wonderful.
I'm currently drained of social energy. Ah, i have too much on my mind right now.

I am never, hardly ever at rest. Somebody tone down my heart please? Thanks.


Monday, July 31, 2017

Cult of delusion.

I know people say a boring Sunday is a good Sunday, given that it's the one day of the week I get off from work. I get to sleep in and have an elaborate breakfast instead of the hurried one I gobble down every morning in neatly calculated time slots. But I like to have some activity or plan to look forward to on the weekend too. S2 says I'm ungrateful and I don't deserve free time.
 Today started out crappy. By 3 pm I thought to myself. Today is a bad Sunday. I woke up early as usual and while s2 was still asleep I decided to stay in bed and read for a bit. I dozed off again and woke up to s2 telling me that we had relatives over and that we were also out of bread. What? Way to ruin glorious Sunday morning vibes. Nothing is worse than relatives showing up unannounced. So I had to change out of my pjs into respectable clothes and delayed my breakfast till late afternoon. Got lectured by parents for one thing or the other. Didn't get to watch Dunkirk either. Bad Sunday yeah? So I mostly stayed in bed alternating between reading my novel and playing the sims on my phone. I hate it when my sims go to work on Sundays but we need the money so. Moving on. Day started looking up when s1 and A showed up. Anther relative also showed up and everyone got into a political discussion that was of great discomfort to me. Not because it was boring or anything. But because I could physically feel the strain that repeated (but forcefully polite, always polite, no offence) disagreements made worse by the awkward laugh now and then can put on a conversation. It went on for ever. But then food arrived and we moved on to ranting about work and all was well.
Now I'm back in bed and I'm going to probably finish this novel. Good riddance to be honest. There's something suffocating about it that I don't like.
I'm watching Anne with an E these days and Anne reminds me of Phoebe's boyfriend from Friends played by Alec Baldwin. Everything to her is scrumptious and glorious.
Next week is going to be hell. Work is going to be harder than fighting Balrog from the Mines of Moria. Hahaha. I'm so lame it's funny.
Also. I am not fond of abundant and careless expression of affection. Thank you. That will be all for now. 

Friday, July 21, 2017

Kachi meri mitti

I have an itch in my soul
And I love cold rainy days that are blue
I woke up at 7 a.m on a Sunday 
It was so sunny outside I thought it was noon at least, but it wasn't. 
I've moved more these past few years than I have my entire life, nowhere spectacular.
My heart however clings only to one place that is in fact home to me but which too I must let go of sooner or later. 
I had a plate full of cherries the other day and spilled some cherry juice on my shirt and laughed, to which my mom said 'daant dikhanay ki zaroorat nahi hai', because cherry stains don't go away easy.  
Fathers should not be allowed to fall - Figuratively or otherwise. Little else is as heart breaking as that. 
I often wonder if I have any..mettle at all. What am I made of? How will I fare when put to the test? Life has been challenging lately, to say the least. And I can't help but wish I had more substance. More resolve. More groundedness. I wish I wasn't as emotional and I wish I would stop living in retrospect. I wish I would deal with all of this better. 
I write less now because talking about myself does not interest me anymore. But I continue to write as much as I do because I must express myself, however fragmented or incoherent it comes out to be, lest an implosion occurs. 
So yeah. 

Friday, May 12, 2017

Museum of flight

I miss my hands being red and numb, trying six ways to squeeze lemons into a bottle on top of a mountain. I miss sitting around a table, feeding leftover wings to dogs, listening to strangers talk about glaciers while sipping coffee that took two hours to make. I miss asking again and again. Where am I? What are we doing here? How did we get here? What is our life? I miss getting into bed at night knowing there's a white mountain at watch outside my window. I miss the music. The one I cannot listen to now because my heart folds upon itself every time I do. I miss the streets and the stones. I miss the human warmth amidst the snow. The red faces, burnt toes, orange hair, the tiniest things. Oh it's just that. I feel my heart now has wings and it doesn't beat any more, it flutters. And it must, must be set free. 

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Eat pray war.

Today started out as an impossible day. I was sick and stuck to my bed for two days and because I couldn't miss another day of work, I went. Work was shit until. .   oh God I'm too tired to type. I guess I'll write later.

I feel bad for my mom because work is driving me insane and I can't spend any time with her and she feels that. She makes me a lunch bag every day now because I've been falling sick too often. She makes me coffee and packs biscuits and water and food. There's soup today too. Mmmm. Yesterday i came back from work and slept almost the entire day. Later, I went down, mom fed me food, then I lied on her tummy and she put on a ghazal on her phone and I fell asleep listening to that.

The season is changing. And it sets something in motion. I was up till late last night. The fan was on and the lights were dim and I had just showered and I was in a perfect pink bubble. Pink because I have pink lights   in my room. Two friends called and I talked to each for a bit. The incoming of summer with its brightness and loudness, opens up something. I don't quite know how to explain it but the feeling is there and it's strong. Like a meteor shower of memories. Today is a very pleasant morning. It's purple day at work. I'm wearing the only purple thing I had in my closet. I'm oddly at ease and unease.

Dad is here. Yesterday I was sitting with parents and dad said something to mom and she couldn't hear it, and dad repeated it three times and then me and him started laughing at the same time. And oh God, to hear my dad laugh. My heart turns to honey. Honey and butter. I really, really missed that.

It's 7 a.m and it's a Sunday. No work today thank God yet I'm up. Biological clock and all. So I talked to V for a bit. Read my book for a bit and then I thought breakfast in bed is the only thing missing from my life right now. So I thought let me be a hero and make my dreams come true. And I did. Made myself some breakfast and some tea in pretty cutlery. Now I'm fat and full and still got time to sleep and some sleep in my head, before mom wakes me up for the real breakfast. Vao.

I told V that I don't know how to be loud about my enthusiasm or happiness or grief for that matter. I can't be loud with feelings in general. Bursts of emotion make me uncomfortable. I feel things silently but deeply. Yet I am surrounded by people who want/expect me to be otherwise. My heart is overworked. And tired. Of feeling guilty for feeling not the way I'm supposed to feel. Not nearly enough. Because what use is care, empathy and love when it's tucked deep inside crevices of the heart that no one can see?

I've been playing with babies all day. I made her listen to classical music and she fell asleep. Which reminds me. The plane in my dreams finally flew. I don't know what triggered it or what it means. But it flew for the first time and it flew straight up in the sky and landed in the most beautiful place with a beautiful name which made sense to me in the dream. Thank the Lord.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Forts.

I ordered Mohsin Hamid's new book for myself yesterday and it arrived today and mom paid for it. She asked me why I was so happy about it. Ecstatic as I tore the brown paper off it and flipped the pages. It's not about the book really. It's just that it's something I took time out for and I haven't been reading much at all and buying a book for myself has given me so much cosy joy. I'm oddly comforted.

I don't have much to write now. I don't have the heart to write anything. So that's all for now. 

Friday, February 17, 2017

Ticktock

I'm off work for a while. So my focus for the near future is just Shadi Shadi Shadi. s1's getting married, incase you didin't know. Haha. I keep saying there aren't enough hours in the day for all the stuff that needs to be done. I spent an hour last night trying to work a bunch of things in my schedule for today - hopefully i will be crossing every one of them off my list by the end of the day. I need to buy contact lenses (buy and wear them for the first time ever, noeyesnowedding), I need shoes, (the wedding is in a week and i don't have shoes, wow), I need to go for a final fitting of the dress that i'm supposed to wear the day after tomorrow, wow again, I need to get booked at a parlor, (i sound like the worst organized person in the history of weddings by now), I need to attend a late lunch for a friend who is leaving for the US for good, AND then i have to dance the rest of the day. I think i am forgetting something. But okay, lets at least get these done for now. OmG and yes there's this other printing thing..eeek.
Anyway.
Its 1 pm. And i'm still in bed. I decided to wake up late and spend some Bubble time in my room. My feet hurt from all the dancing. I woke up, i checked my phone and replied to people and read things. I had egg and toast and jam and tea. Oh wait, theres still some left. *takes a sip*. Ick, its luke warm. The light's out so i opened the blinds in my room and it's bright in here. I'm watching 'Girl on a train'. Not a very morning movie, but it'll do. Anything will do these days. I'm also planning on reading some fiction if and when i get time. Who am i kidding lol, but one can wish.
I used to listen to a lot of music. But I don't anymore. I don't have much in my phone, i youtube most things, and i heardly ever carry my headphones with me. I think it's because music, especially good music, makes ou feel things. And at times, it makes you feel things with a force. And i don't welcome that anymore. I am already too full of emotions and thoughts and feelings, I don't need triggers and i don't need nostalgia and the way your heart gets full when you hear a song. I don't want to experience extremes of emotions for no reason. There just isn't any need. I love how certain songs or books or movies can give voice/words to your thoughts, but I just..don't feel the need for that anymore. Don't know if it makes much sense, or any at all.
I continue to have baby dreams. More and more. WHAT DO THEY MEAN?
It is very important for me to not get attached to the 'idea' of something. People have certain ideas and impressions of things in their minds that they tend to stick to. They think they need to. But we don't. Not really. Oh God, i'm being very vague. Maybe i'll talk about this later. Words are not my friends. I wish i could write better. Oh well.

Bye.


Thursday, February 9, 2017

The fools who dream.

The other day we called Michael Fassbender, Fastbender and then laughed about it. When was the last time I laughed uninhibitedly? Hmmm. I don't remember. Hopefully not very long ago. Probably at work about something too. My colleagues are unknowingly hilarious at times, and isn't that a treat?
s1 and s2 got into a fight and we were all sitting in the lounge, hanging out, but then they both left, and now here i am. Ive got the place to myself and the laptop to myself and the sofa to my self. So i've decided to watch a movie. It's called The light between oceans. Not a clue what it's about but we watched Assassin's creed the other day and Fassbender's body melted s2 and she decided to download another Fassbender movie and so here it is. And here i am. Guests came over this morning and they brought chocolate. Little fancy nicely wrapped chocolate. Mmmm. All mine. I love it when people bring over chocolates, and i don't feel threatened because i know they're all mine because my sisters are not big on chocolates. Yes you heard/read that right. They're not big on chocolates. It's almost too good to be true. But yeah.
I did not want my sisters to fight because feelings ended up being hurt and I am so against feelings getting hurt and I don't know why everyone insists on holding on to little things and not letting go. I've been having a lot of trouble dealing with people lately. People don't seem to like me very much now, and I'm not very used to that but that's okay. To each their own. As long as i know my heart is clear. Maybe i have forgotten how to deal with people. Suddenly, it is all a bit much for me. I feel that I do not fit. I'm sure we all don't fit in some way. But i feel that..okay - Imagine a huge puzzle, the one with a thousand little pieces. Now take one out. Put it in front of the heater for 2 minutes until it gets all wobbly. Now imagine that as me. Try putting it back in the puzzle. No matter where you try to stick it, it's not going to fit. Why? Becuase - wobbly. There is no point. I am laughing at myself right now. What a shitly explained analogy. Like a sad teenager wrote it. No offence to sad teenagers. But tsk. Let's move on.
 I've been having very, very interesting dreams. Last night i dreamed of a movie plot, and it was very unique and complex and in the morning i was very proud of myself for coming up with something like that but now I don't remember any of it so i can't sell the idea and get rich so, pfft.
I think my parents are home. Are they?  No they aren't.
When asked what country they would like to visit, no one really says Russia. Why not? Because hollywood makes it look evil or because it is too cold? I would like to visit that place. I don't know much about it, but that's the point isn't it? To find out about places and people.
In this movie, fassbender smiles from behind his mustache. Which is making me smile, because that's something that my mom says about my dad, and i love it. Oh which reminds me. Dad came a few days ago, and when i met him and hugged him he laughed and it was warm, and i had missed that, and the afterglow of the moment stayed with me for at least two days. Maybe i'm exaggerating. But it was special for me. You know how sometimes when you hug people, or they hug you, and the hug is over but just when you're about to break away, they extend the hug for an extra 2-3 seconds? Let me tell you. That small extended bit of hug always has a meaning. Don't underestimate the extended hug.
I can't watch people eat food at dinner tables in movies. It makes me hungry. It makes me want to have elaborate protein rich meals. This guy has taken up a job in a lighthouse because he is too tired of war and civilization. That kind of thing appeals to me. Oh except, I want to be able to meet people when i want. Only when i want. I miss writing with an ink pen. My dad just called me for no reason. Asked about this and that. But he started with his very alive 'Hello' and i missed that too. I love it when he calls me and there is energy in his voice. s1 is back and she is looking for nuts to eat. I told her that i am in paradise right now. My feet are in a blanket, dim yellow light, and this blood red sofa. And a rug. And now, nuts. The introvert inside me is in pain. Oh by the way. It's February. It is my favourite month of the year and i never fail to mention that. Shakespeare once said that someone had a Februaryface and i think it is the best kind of compliment.
That you have such a February face,. So full of frost, of storm and cloudiness?
Yes, this. Um, i think he didn't mean it as a compliment there but someone calls me a Februaryface, i am going to love it.
Fassbender has found himself a wife. Now he's smiling with his eyes too. And so does my dad. Ha.
I like the angles of a shoulder blade. It is such a natural place for if we had wings.
 Okay i just guessed the plot of the movie. Predictable shit.
I think i need to end this flaily dialogue. No. Monologue.


Is anyone reading?

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Rant? Rant.

Ive been meaning to write in here for so long. Almost every day i make small notes in my head about 'blogable things' but never end up writing them down, and before i know it, one thing is replaced by another and then its all fumes.
The reason is, that I have had no time. No 'me' time. I was talking to my colleagues the other day and I told them about how I have three worlds. There's 1, where I work. There's another where i do basic survival things, eat-sleep-socialise. And then there's the Third world. The one where I do *cliche alert* soul things. I read, and i think and i reflect on what happened during the day, and who made me feel what and how do i make tomorrow better. Lately, I have only been living in World 1 and 2. And it is taking a toll on me. Last night, I just had enough and I went into cocoon mode. I cancelled plans with N. Cancelled plans with sisters and A too. I stayed in, and snuggled with mom. Made instant noodles, watched a shitty reality tv show with her and then fell asleep. Cancelled on morning plans too. I can't believe i am in my room right now, and I don't have to be somewhere or do something till a few hours at least. I don't have to do my hair, and I don't have to be a butterfly and i don't have to be fun. People don't appreciate it when i am not a butterfly. But i am not a butterfly. I am.. a snail who likes to live in its shell. Yuck i am not a snail. Scratch that. But you get the point yes?
I am enjoying my work by the way. There's one thing that is good. I like the people, I like the kind of work it is and i'm not bad at it. And I have learned a lot more about people in this time duration. I have learned to see the good in people, no matter who they are or what they do. I have learned to see the good in a situation no matter how stressful or dark it seems. And to be grateful, not nearly enough, but definitely more than ever before. Its a privilege to be taught these things.
ALSO. I am really bummed about the negativity around me. Criticism - of everyone and everything. Bringing people down. Mocking and making fun of others. Passing judgments on people without being sure of their circumstances or their mindset or anything at all. It's so EASY to do that. What's harder is giving other people the benefit of the doubt. Giving others a chance when no one else will. Why is it so wrong to be extra nice? To be gentle and kind? To look the other way when you find out unpleasant things about someone? Well okay i know its because people will walk all over you and take you for granted and eat you alive and feed you to rats, BUT wouldn't it be really sad if you let all this make you into a lesser person? How does anyone win like that? I know a balance exists somewhere. And we all need to find it. For me, all lines are blurred and zigzaggy. Almost everyone i know disagrees with my ideas and policies, but then again, everyone has their own learning curve. I will learn and find my balance in time. For now, I'm going to do what feels right.
Me s2 and N had a heated discussion on a cafe rooftop about how I don't share enough and how wrong it is of me to be like that. After about two hours, we did not conclude anything and nothing was resolved. I only realised somethings about myself. I realised that i am more mentally and emotionally detached than i thought myself to be. Maybe more so over time, maybe not. I don't know anymore. But i do know that I don't fulfill a lot of expectations that people have of me as a close friend. I fulfill only some. Which is why i'm extra grateful for the People who tolerate me anyhow. But maybe i don't check enough boxes. And it hurts people more than i realise. And i don't know what to do about that. Long discussion. Moving on. Let me write of some good things now. Look at all this smoke.

 I made myself an egg, jalapeno and cheese sandwich this morning and had tea with cake. Me and the sisters talked. No wars were waged and things were good. Also i took a really long shower and wore woolen sock boots and moistured my crocodile skin with my fave body butter. I feel rejuvinated.

We were at work the other day and one of my colleagues said that i don't interact with people enough and if i did and more people knew me, they would all love me. Egoboost, lulz.

I was on my way to work the other day, and i hadn't slept for two nights and hadn't had much to eat or any
 rest either, but while on my work, caffeine racing in my veins,  for five minutes, i felt invincible. Like nothing was a problem, and being this busy was the only way to live. Of course, an hour after i got to work, i sat down and my friend said your eyes are red and you look crazy, and then i crashed and woke up 4 hours later thinking it was the end of time. But i'm going to remember that feeling.

s1 is calling me downstairs. We are going to eat something and watch something. Little weekend rituals, when we can manage the time.

Things aren't bad you know. Just hard. And that is life. All i ask for is time to breathe now and then. Every thing will be okay. Someday.
Till then, It is what is is.

I hope i can write here again before too long.