Tuesday, September 20, 2016


Most things, to me, seem better in retrospect. Barring very few things, I almost always look back at life and think 'Ah i miss those days'. 70% of what me and V talk about is all the things we did and all the places we went to when she was here. And now we need new memories. Every thing has to wait though. We're both stuck in situations where all we can do is plough on and bide our time till we eventually get to a place in life where we can do the things we want. We have a rough list of things we want to do. And no, it does not include cliches like skydiving and Eiffel tower selfies.
I was supposed to go to a place this morning to see about a work situation. The person I was interested in talking to wasn't available, and I had to come back. I left my name with them and told them I'd be visiting them again tomorrow. But something about today has confused me. I am not entirely sure if i want to go back tomorrow and join. I don't know what it's going to be like. What if i'm miserable there? What if the people are mean and I don't have work to do? Well, that's the thing. I need to have work to do. Staying at home, and doing nothing will drive me crazy. Has it already?
There's a cafe nearby. It used to be five minutes from my place, but now its right outside where i live, and I am delighted. Me and N went there the other day and I felt at ease. We went there again yesterday and then again today.
I finished my DMT book the other night. I'm glad to be done with it, because that and my increased caffeine intake were giving me some really bizarre dreams.
I am a very optimistic person. Some would say naive or delusional. But i say optimistic. I put abundant amounts of faith in things and people, and life in general. That doesn't mean that I;m unaware of the possibility of everything turning to shit. Because i am..aware. In fact I have a terrible habit of imagining the worst case scenario in every possible situation. I simply like to keep those thoughts at bay. What i mean is that something inside me keeps glowing even when i know everything will turn to shit. Even at my lowest, my very lowest, if you crack my skull open, you'd see black fog yes, but you would also see silver rainbows. Haha, if rainbows were silver they wouldn't be rainbows yes, but. Shiny rainbows, okay. Sparkly ones. Emitting light and radiation and beams of lasers and all bright things. That's what you would see. I don't look or sound like the most optimistic person, but inside, deep inside, that is how i feel. I have immense faith in myself, and in the concept of  'things working out' in general. I don't do a very good job at implementing this thought process in every day situations which i think is the problem. It is the root of all anxiety stress and panic. I'm working on it. I like encouraging people and pushing them and telling them that YES it is possible and NO it is not too late. It is so limiting, to think otherwise. Well some times yes, it is too late, but ok well let's not get in to details. I am also highly cynical and the queen of skepticism. Moving on.
I've finally begun working on the boring robot work Nd has assigned to me and i intend to be done with it in a few days.
I love being in a car and looking out the window. I like to look at boxy little shops that no one else notices. I like to look at people and imagine their stories. At times I try to imagine what their next 20 minutes will look like. I try to imagine what someone was thinking while they were leaving their house. What made them wear what they chose to wear that day. Last night me, s1 and AB (new addition in family, its my sister's finance, say hello everyone) went out for a snack late at night and we decided that we wouldn't talk about work. But we ended up talking about work 90% of the entire time we were out. Towards the end, conversation got more interesting and we talked survival skills that everyone should master which led to a discussion about zombie apocalypse and who would die first. Then i got over excited while discussing the book i just finished reading and does anyone else start to shiver when they talk about something they care about? Well, I do. And then we came back home and that was all.
I do not want to be one of those people who turn 30 or 40 and turn into a goat and look back and say, oh how naive and idealistic i was. I want to stay idealistic.
Cake is the best dessert.

Thursday, September 8, 2016

You may know this much.

I woke up late today. I slept well last night. Woke up a number of times to ask s2 to turn the a.c off. Dreamed about moving to another city. Went downstairs. Mom asked me to sit with her and told me about thoughts that didn't let her sleep last night. Had an unhealthy breakfast. Some chicken bakery stuff and a big chunk of cake. With four sips of tea.

It's 2 pm now and mom was supposed to take me with her for some chores but the car is busy elsewhere so I guess we won't be doing that now. I wish I had a personal yoga instructor who would wake me up at 6 am every morning and force me to do yoga.

I'm supposed to take N out for her birthday today. We are going to try sushi. Her friends will surprise her there. I hope everything goes well.

S1just got home from work and she took me by the hand and said she needs to have a discussion with me. Work stuff. Me and my sisters are funny. Our spirits are too wild. Too restless. Me and mom were talking the other day and she let out a deep sigh and said 'ive realised that meri teeno betiyan baaghi hain.' That made me laugh and I said well, isn't that a good thing?

So the surprise went well. We all went to this sushi place and none of us had tried it before and I went with good hopes but ...Ekh. They say it's an acquired taste but I do not want to acquire this taste thankyouverymuch. I am not very social around some people and I always get the feeling that Ns friends don't like me much because I'm quiet and boring but today wasn't that bad. Actually I had a good time. I came home a little late and mom didn't mind and we sat and talked for a bit. Then V asked me if we could talk so she called me up and we talked for over an hour on the phone talking about the time we lived in the New city and how we want to one day work and live in THE city and travel the whole world. Ah. Dreams.

 It is now 3 a.m and I am not sleepy. S2 said lets wake up at 6 am and go for a jog but I don't think we will be doing that. Everyone Is asleep. Its just me now.

It is now 4 a.m.

Monday, September 5, 2016

The kettle is silent.

It's 3:17 am and I can't fall asleep. I'm thinking back to a night exactly two years ago. I remember because it was a significant one. I couldn't fall asleep then either. Amazing how things can be so different and yet exactly the same. I realised something about myself the other day. I don't get used to beautiful things. You know how there is so much misery in the world that when something terrible happens it doesn't affect you as deeply as is did before? Well where beauty is concerned I develop no tolerance. I don't take it for granted. I am as overwhelmed by it as I was the first time. Every time it rains, my heart swells the same amount. Every time my parents make me laugh with their banter I feel immensely grateful and at peace. Every time I look at the sky at night, Im full of awe. Every time I lie down in my bed after a good shower and a good meal I feel like royalty. When people are nice my heart reaches out and hugs them secretly. All the time. And I'm glad for this. I never want to take the good things for granted. This is all we've got. The little things. I am a fan of the little things.

I finally finished a book today that I should've been done with ages ago. It was raining when I woke up so I went downstairs and had a pear and sat in the porch. My maid asked me if I wanted tea and I said yes I do but I need a lot of it. She said what do you mean? I said well, I need it in a mug, and not a tea cup. So she found the biggest mug we have and asked me if that was enough and I said yes and she looked very pleased with herself. So I sat there and finished my book. While it rained. Me and s2 have been going out for walks every night and I enjoy those even though all we do is talk and whine about our careers. We are going for a walk again right now ans I'm going to wear my neon pink boots. Ha.

I have always been skeptical about people who talk about how a certain book made them cry. Everytime some one says 'oh that book made me bawl like a baby' I mentally roll my eyes like ok stop exaggerating already.
                  But then The Book thief happened.
I was aware that its supposed to be a sad book and what not but oh my God those last few pages. Its like the entire book is just preparation for that metaphorical punch in your face/lungs/heart? at the end. I wasn't even too involved in the book. Yet it made me cry , (real tears!) that continued for the next however many pages that were left. So, soo sad.
Anyhow I watched the movie trailer this morning and yuck. It is too different from the movie in my head so I have decided not to watch it.

Today was good. It rained in the afternoon and it rained like nobody's business and the sky went just the appropriate amount of dark and the sun was doing a nice orangy thing and it was beautiful. And there was wind. Cold, gives-you-goosebumps-and-sprays-raindrops-in-your-face kind of wind. So I texted N and we decided that we must eat fat jalebi and samosa or we will die. So she picked me up and we left. I wore my neon shoes again. We had hot samosay complete with the chuttni and all. Burnt my tongue. Then we had chaat. Which was wonderful.Then we had fat JALEBI. It was SO hot and crispy. I got the sticky sweet oil (sheera?) everywhere and now my jeans need to be washed. We asked the kid to get us tea but he said they don't serve tea so we were like we just saw you take tea for those guys and he said that's for us and we said can you please make it for us too and he said ok let me see and two minutes later he came back with lots of jalebi and two cups of chaye and said that chai is on the house. Life was complete then and there but we are monsters and monsters will be monsters so after all the meetha we needed salty again and got some pakoras. We listened to dido, coldplay, and Nusrat fateh Ali Khan on the way home. And talked about my life and hers and psychedelic drugs and Islamic history.

I got a haircut today. Chop chop chop. I feel liberated. And hungry.

The world is transient and so is everything in it. Truly internalizing this fact can be a double edged sword. It can make you want to be and do everything or nothing. It's hard to strike a balance. Are we supposed to strike a balance? Hmm.