Sunday, August 25, 2013

Being back.

Last night was my first night back at the hostel. It was harder than i thought.
Almost broke down.
But thanks to some people, i did make it through the night.
Slept badly.
Spent the entire morning getting the room cleaned up. Stocked the fridge yesterday.
Had a cheese+lays sandwich for breakfast.
Recharged my wifi.
Haven't had coffee in three days. Don't know how i'm still breathing.
Having milk and biscuits at the moment.
Today will be better.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Super rant.

It's 4:07 a.m and I've had a pretty pathetic day. Everything is right but also very very wrong. N says the apocalypse is here. All my people are going through some terrible kind of shit. And i'm trying to be there for each one of them. I can only try. But i'm not here to talk about their problems. This is my post. My problems.
I mean. It's like there is an *wow, get ready for some major emo shit*
Yeah so it's like there is an OCEAN full of water (or maybe mercury) stuck in my chest that NEEDS to come out in the form of tears but it won't. Or maybe there is a big block of lead in my chest. Or maybe, maybe, my heart is sinking. It's drowning. In a bog. My heart is stuck in a bog. Like the ones they have in swamps.
Oh lord. *deep breath*
Maybe i need to calm down.
Okay. So my sisters are out of town, having a great time. Even though i am sort of regretting not going with them, i'm also just really glad to be home with my parents. Speaking of parents. I miss them. They're DOWNSTAIRS. But i miss them. I've been to their room three times already. I laid down next to my mom and she stroked my hair. And i felt so sad. And happy. But really really sad. I came upstairs and there were four missed calls from a friend who badly needed to talk to me. So i felt bad about that.
I wanted to watch a very sad movie that would make and cry and put me to sleep. But ALL MOVIES ARE SHIT. I mean i watched The truman show earlier today, and the part where his boat touches the wall, and he finds out that the ocean is actually just a painting, it made me so sad, I cried. s2 thought the movie was hateful. That's just wrong. I really liked it. Anyway, coming to the point. I thought I'd watch a movie. I started watching Ryan's daughter. I've heard a lot about it. But five minutes into the movie, i realised it wasn't the right one. So i started watching this other movie called Under the tuscan sun. And BOY that is a slow movie. I mean. I'm more than halfway through it and it has made me feel NOTHING. A little bored maybe. There are mosquitoes in the room. Don't know where they came from, and I've sprayed the mosquito spray so many times; I don't know about the mosquitoes but I sure will die soon with the amount of shit (i.e, spray) concentrated in my lungs right now.
HELLO PATHOLOGY. Nice to meet you. Whatever. Just stop staring at me. I have other problems to deal with.
When did everything become so..soo...I don't know. Just so floaty. NOTHING stays. It's all just SO..I have it yet i don't. Almost there but not quite. Like pieces broken off of things. Beautiful things. Everything's a little bit cracked. WHY.
I really need to get my eye sight checked. It's like my eyes lose focus every few minutes and my forehead really hurts.
I wish i had more friends in a different time zone so that they'd be up right now.
I keep OD-ing on these biscuits that mom bought me a box of. I don't even like them but since they're right next to me, I'm eating them. I wish i was hungry. I'd go make myself some really soupy noodles and feel good about life. BUT! I'm not hungry. I lose my appetite when I'm really sad. So i must be really sad.
Something needs to happen. Something needs to change inside me. Maybe a spark needs to be lit. Maybe a fire. A BIG HUGE FIRE. LIKE A FOREST FIRE. WILD! THAT BLAZES THROUGH MY BODY BRINGING EVERY LITTLE NEURON TO LIFE. Bleh.
These anti mosquito sprays are totally useless I tell you.

The sun is going to come up real soon and the room is going to light up. You know what's weird though? I like eating biscuits that have been left open over night and have lost their crispness. Crispness. Is that a word?

I must be losing my mind.

It's just one of those nights.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013


'When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching -- they are your family. - Jim Butcher

Now I don't know who this guy Jim butcher is but no one ever said a truer word. 
So i'm going to write down some of the things that make me explode with love for my family.

*While out on a drive with the parents*
Mom: Kuch aur to nahi lena?
Me: Nahi ma.
Mom: Kuch nai chaiye?
Me: Nai nai
Mom: Kuch le lo.
Me: Hahha nai maaa.
Mom: Please kuch le lo.
Me: Maaaaa.
Mom: Kuch to le lo.
Me: Naiiiiiii.
Mom: Le ke phenk do.
Me: Hahahaha. 

-I love how s2 kept me company on skype through all my profs, listening to me cry and laugh in tears all day and all night, while s1 kept reminding me that the world wasn't actually going to end if i did badly on my exam. 

-I love how dad actually listened to me whine about level 97 on Candy crush and even tried to help fix the problem. 

-I love how everytime i feel crushed by the world, I call s2 and s1 and they make me feel like I'm not alone.

-I love how my cousin H fed me soup after i had my surgery and my sisters broke the french fries into tiny little pieces so that i'd be able to swallow them. 

-I love how it was 23rd March and s2 came into my room early in the morning just to remind me that they were going to do the cannon things outside so i shouldn't be scared like OMG WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING OUTSIDE?! 

-I love how i call s1 in times of weakness and she says:
'You have to keep reminding yourself of who you are. People will always try to bring you down. But wohi baat hoti hai na, nothing can shoot me down waali. Bas socho ke mujhe koi nai hila sakta. Jo marzi kar lain'.

-I love how I wanted a new phone so bad and my dad got me my s3 and then they all suprised me by hiding it in a shoe box.
*s1 casually*: Mom got you these shoes. I don't know if you will like them but try karlo.
*I open the box, there are actual shoes in there. I take one out and try it*
s1: Doosra bhi try karo na idiot.
Where the shoes went i don't even know.

-I love how every time i get off the bus and meet dad, he kisses me on the cheek or the head.  

-I love how Nd kept knocking on the door for ages while i was hiding inside refusing to go out with everybody because i was in a bad mood. He said i could take as much time as i wanted but they wouldn't leave without me.

-I love how when i was around 13, my sisters found my secret diary and read my secret emo stuff. And then wrote a long three page reply explaining how nothing was as dark as i thought it was. I also love laughing my head off when we read it together now.

-Me whining to mom: Maa main ganji ho jaungiii. Bohut hairfall ho raha hai.
Mom: Its seasonal. Theek ho jayega.
Me: Nahi. Main ganji ho jaungi. Pakka.
Dad *thinking im seriously worried* : Nai nai pagal. Nai hoti ganji. Kabhi dehka hai koi larki aisay hi ganji ho jaye? Kuch nahi hoga. Theek ho jayega.
Me: Hahahahah awww.

I love Mom's random calls while i'm at the hostel: Ghar aa jao. Chor do college aur tests aur sab kuch. Bas ghar aa jao kal hi. Mainay keh dia hai.

I love how my parents still make fun of each other and laugh at the little things in life and teach us the same. 

I love how being the youngest, I will always be pampered and protected by these few people no matter how harsh the world gets. As s1 says: Baby ho, babie ban ke raho.

Nothing makes me heart happier and warmer than being with the people I love. Just sitting at the dinner table, watching shitty shows on the tv and laughing at each other, drinking chaaye with mom's favorite plain cake. It's where all my strength lies, after God.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Of perfect mornings.

Sneaking out of the house early in the morning with eyes streaked red with sleep. Beautiful wet roads. Cheese omelettes, chaye and old Nazia hassan songs. French toast that melts in your mouth and makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. Conversations decorated with laughter. Drive back home. No one talks much as song after song brings back old memories. Each one of us thinks of different things and different people. But we're not distant. Still together. One of us whistles a tune and my heart smiles. Rain splatters constantly and then suddenly stops as we near home. We Change back into pjs and tees before dad wakes up.