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Monday, July 31, 2017

Cult of delusion.

I know people say a boring Sunday is a good Sunday, given that it's the one day of the week I get off from work. I get to sleep in and have an elaborate breakfast instead of the hurried one I gobble down every morning in neatly calculated time slots. But I like to have some activity or plan to look forward to on the weekend too. S2 says I'm ungrateful and I don't deserve free time.
 Today started out crappy. By 3 pm I thought to myself. Today is a bad Sunday. I woke up early as usual and while s2 was still asleep I decided to stay in bed and read for a bit. I dozed off again and woke up to s2 telling me that we had relatives over and that we were also out of bread. What? Way to ruin glorious Sunday morning vibes. Nothing is worse than relatives showing up unannounced. So I had to change out of my pjs into respectable clothes and delayed my breakfast till late afternoon. Got lectured by parents for one thing or the other. Didn't get to watch Dunkirk either. Bad Sunday yeah? So I mostly stayed in bed alternating between reading my novel and playing the sims on my phone. I hate it when my sims go to work on Sundays but we need the money so. Moving on. Day started looking up when s1 and A showed up. Anther relative also showed up and everyone got into a political discussion that was of great discomfort to me. Not because it was boring or anything. But because I could physically feel the strain that repeated (but forcefully polite, always polite, no offence) disagreements made worse by the awkward laugh now and then can put on a conversation. It went on for ever. But then food arrived and we moved on to ranting about work and all was well.
Now I'm back in bed and I'm going to probably finish this novel. Good riddance to be honest. There's something suffocating about it that I don't like.
I'm watching Anne with an E these days and Anne reminds me of Phoebe's boyfriend from Friends played by Alec Baldwin. Everything to her is scrumptious and glorious.
Next week is going to be hell. Work is going to be harder than fighting Balrog from the Mines of Moria. Hahaha. I'm so lame it's funny.
Also. I am not fond of abundant and careless expression of affection. Thank you. That will be all for now. 

Friday, July 21, 2017

Kachi meri mitti

I have an itch in my soul
And I love cold rainy days that are blue
I woke up at 7 a.m on a Sunday 
It was so sunny outside I thought it was noon at least, but it wasn't. 
I've moved more these past few years than I have my entire life, nowhere spectacular.
My heart however clings only to one place that is in fact home to me but which too I must let go of sooner or later. 
I had a plate full of cherries the other day and spilled some cherry juice on my shirt and laughed, to which my mom said 'daant dikhanay ki zaroorat nahi hai', because cherry stains don't go away easy.  
Fathers should not be allowed to fall - Figuratively or otherwise. Little else is as heart breaking as that. 
I often wonder if I have any..mettle at all. What am I made of? How will I fare when put to the test? Life has been challenging lately, to say the least. And I can't help but wish I had more substance. More resolve. More groundedness. I wish I wasn't as emotional and I wish I would stop living in retrospect. I wish I would deal with all of this better. 
I write less now because talking about myself does not interest me anymore. But I continue to write as much as I do because I must express myself, however fragmented or incoherent it comes out to be, lest an implosion occurs. 
So yeah. 

Friday, May 12, 2017

Museum of flight

I miss my hands being red and numb, trying six ways to squeeze lemons into a bottle on top of a mountain. I miss sitting around a table, feeding leftover wings to dogs, listening to strangers talk about glaciers while sipping coffee that took two hours to make. I miss asking again and again. Where am I? What are we doing here? How did we get here? What is our life? I miss getting into bed at night knowing there's a white mountain at watch outside my window. I miss the music. The one I cannot listen to now because my heart folds upon itself every time I do. I miss the streets and the stones. I miss the human warmth amidst the snow. The red faces, burnt toes, orange hair, the tiniest things. Oh it's just that. I feel my heart now has wings and it doesn't beat any more, it flutters. And it must, must be set free. 

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Eat pray war.

Today started out as an impossible day. I was sick and stuck to my bed for two days and because I couldn't miss another day of work, I went. Work was shit until. .   oh God I'm too tired to type. I guess I'll write later.

I feel bad for my mom because work is driving me insane and I can't spend any time with her and she feels that. She makes me a lunch bag every day now because I've been falling sick too often. She makes me coffee and packs biscuits and water and food. There's soup today too. Mmmm. Yesterday i came back from work and slept almost the entire day. Later, I went down, mom fed me food, then I lied on her tummy and she put on a ghazal on her phone and I fell asleep listening to that.

The season is changing. And it sets something in motion. I was up till late last night. The fan was on and the lights were dim and I had just showered and I was in a perfect pink bubble. Pink because I have pink lights   in my room. Two friends called and I talked to each for a bit. The incoming of summer with its brightness and loudness, opens up something. I don't quite know how to explain it but the feeling is there and it's strong. Like a meteor shower of memories. Today is a very pleasant morning. It's purple day at work. I'm wearing the only purple thing I had in my closet. I'm oddly at ease and unease.

Dad is here. Yesterday I was sitting with parents and dad said something to mom and she couldn't hear it, and dad repeated it three times and then me and him started laughing at the same time. And oh God, to hear my dad laugh. My heart turns to honey. Honey and butter. I really, really missed that.

It's 7 a.m and it's a Sunday. No work today thank God yet I'm up. Biological clock and all. So I talked to V for a bit. Read my book for a bit and then I thought breakfast in bed is the only thing missing from my life right now. So I thought let me be a hero and make my dreams come true. And I did. Made myself some breakfast and some tea in pretty cutlery. Now I'm fat and full and still got time to sleep and some sleep in my head, before mom wakes me up for the real breakfast. Vao.

I told V that I don't know how to be loud about my enthusiasm or happiness or grief for that matter. I can't be loud with feelings in general. Bursts of emotion make me uncomfortable. I feel things silently but deeply. Yet I am surrounded by people who want/expect me to be otherwise. My heart is overworked. And tired. Of feeling guilty for feeling not the way I'm supposed to feel. Not nearly enough. Because what use is care, empathy and love when it's tucked deep inside crevices of the heart that no one can see?

I've been playing with babies all day. I made her listen to classical music and she fell asleep. Which reminds me. The plane in my dreams finally flew. I don't know what triggered it or what it means. But it flew for the first time and it flew straight up in the sky and landed in the most beautiful place with a beautiful name which made sense to me in the dream. Thank the Lord.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Forts.

I ordered Mohsin Hamid's new book for myself yesterday and it arrived today and mom paid for it. She asked me why I was so happy about it. Ecstatic as I tore the brown paper off it and flipped the pages. It's not about the book really. It's just that it's something I took time out for and I haven't been reading much at all and buying a book for myself has given me so much cosy joy. I'm oddly comforted.

I don't have much to write now. I don't have the heart to write anything. So that's all for now. 

Friday, February 17, 2017

Ticktock

I'm off work for a while. So my focus for the near future is just Shadi Shadi Shadi. s1's getting married, incase you didin't know. Haha. I keep saying there aren't enough hours in the day for all the stuff that needs to be done. I spent an hour last night trying to work a bunch of things in my schedule for today - hopefully i will be crossing every one of them off my list by the end of the day. I need to buy contact lenses (buy and wear them for the first time ever, noeyesnowedding), I need shoes, (the wedding is in a week and i don't have shoes, wow), I need to go for a final fitting of the dress that i'm supposed to wear the day after tomorrow, wow again, I need to get booked at a parlor, (i sound like the worst organized person in the history of weddings by now), I need to attend a late lunch for a friend who is leaving for the US for good, AND then i have to dance the rest of the day. I think i am forgetting something. But okay, lets at least get these done for now. OmG and yes there's this other printing thing..eeek.
Anyway.
Its 1 pm. And i'm still in bed. I decided to wake up late and spend some Bubble time in my room. My feet hurt from all the dancing. I woke up, i checked my phone and replied to people and read things. I had egg and toast and jam and tea. Oh wait, theres still some left. *takes a sip*. Ick, its luke warm. The light's out so i opened the blinds in my room and it's bright in here. I'm watching 'Girl on a train'. Not a very morning movie, but it'll do. Anything will do these days. I'm also planning on reading some fiction if and when i get time. Who am i kidding lol, but one can wish.
I used to listen to a lot of music. But I don't anymore. I don't have much in my phone, i youtube most things, and i heardly ever carry my headphones with me. I think it's because music, especially good music, makes ou feel things. And at times, it makes you feel things with a force. And i don't welcome that anymore. I am already too full of emotions and thoughts and feelings, I don't need triggers and i don't need nostalgia and the way your heart gets full when you hear a song. I don't want to experience extremes of emotions for no reason. There just isn't any need. I love how certain songs or books or movies can give voice/words to your thoughts, but I just..don't feel the need for that anymore. Don't know if it makes much sense, or any at all.
I continue to have baby dreams. More and more. WHAT DO THEY MEAN?
It is very important for me to not get attached to the 'idea' of something. People have certain ideas and impressions of things in their minds that they tend to stick to. They think they need to. But we don't. Not really. Oh God, i'm being very vague. Maybe i'll talk about this later. Words are not my friends. I wish i could write better. Oh well.

Bye.


Thursday, February 9, 2017

The fools who dream.

The other day we called Michael Fassbender, Fastbender and then laughed about it. When was the last time I laughed uninhibitedly? Hmmm. I don't remember. Hopefully not very long ago. Probably at work about something too. My colleagues are unknowingly hilarious at times, and isn't that a treat?
s1 and s2 got into a fight and we were all sitting in the lounge, hanging out, but then they both left, and now here i am. Ive got the place to myself and the laptop to myself and the sofa to my self. So i've decided to watch a movie. It's called The light between oceans. Not a clue what it's about but we watched Assassin's creed the other day and Fassbender's body melted s2 and she decided to download another Fassbender movie and so here it is. And here i am. Guests came over this morning and they brought chocolate. Little fancy nicely wrapped chocolate. Mmmm. All mine. I love it when people bring over chocolates, and i don't feel threatened because i know they're all mine because my sisters are not big on chocolates. Yes you heard/read that right. They're not big on chocolates. It's almost too good to be true. But yeah.
I did not want my sisters to fight because feelings ended up being hurt and I am so against feelings getting hurt and I don't know why everyone insists on holding on to little things and not letting go. I've been having a lot of trouble dealing with people lately. People don't seem to like me very much now, and I'm not very used to that but that's okay. To each their own. As long as i know my heart is clear. Maybe i have forgotten how to deal with people. Suddenly, it is all a bit much for me. I feel that I do not fit. I'm sure we all don't fit in some way. But i feel that..okay - Imagine a huge puzzle, the one with a thousand little pieces. Now take one out. Put it in front of the heater for 2 minutes until it gets all wobbly. Now imagine that as me. Try putting it back in the puzzle. No matter where you try to stick it, it's not going to fit. Why? Becuase - wobbly. There is no point. I am laughing at myself right now. What a shitly explained analogy. Like a sad teenager wrote it. No offence to sad teenagers. But tsk. Let's move on.
 I've been having very, very interesting dreams. Last night i dreamed of a movie plot, and it was very unique and complex and in the morning i was very proud of myself for coming up with something like that but now I don't remember any of it so i can't sell the idea and get rich so, pfft.
I think my parents are home. Are they?  No they aren't.
When asked what country they would like to visit, no one really says Russia. Why not? Because hollywood makes it look evil or because it is too cold? I would like to visit that place. I don't know much about it, but that's the point isn't it? To find out about places and people.
In this movie, fassbender smiles from behind his mustache. Which is making me smile, because that's something that my mom says about my dad, and i love it. Oh which reminds me. Dad came a few days ago, and when i met him and hugged him he laughed and it was warm, and i had missed that, and the afterglow of the moment stayed with me for at least two days. Maybe i'm exaggerating. But it was special for me. You know how sometimes when you hug people, or they hug you, and the hug is over but just when you're about to break away, they extend the hug for an extra 2-3 seconds? Let me tell you. That small extended bit of hug always has a meaning. Don't underestimate the extended hug.
I can't watch people eat food at dinner tables in movies. It makes me hungry. It makes me want to have elaborate protein rich meals. This guy has taken up a job in a lighthouse because he is too tired of war and civilization. That kind of thing appeals to me. Oh except, I want to be able to meet people when i want. Only when i want. I miss writing with an ink pen. My dad just called me for no reason. Asked about this and that. But he started with his very alive 'Hello' and i missed that too. I love it when he calls me and there is energy in his voice. s1 is back and she is looking for nuts to eat. I told her that i am in paradise right now. My feet are in a blanket, dim yellow light, and this blood red sofa. And a rug. And now, nuts. The introvert inside me is in pain. Oh by the way. It's February. It is my favourite month of the year and i never fail to mention that. Shakespeare once said that someone had a Februaryface and i think it is the best kind of compliment.
That you have such a February face,. So full of frost, of storm and cloudiness?
Yes, this. Um, i think he didn't mean it as a compliment there but someone calls me a Februaryface, i am going to love it.
Fassbender has found himself a wife. Now he's smiling with his eyes too. And so does my dad. Ha.
I like the angles of a shoulder blade. It is such a natural place for if we had wings.
 Okay i just guessed the plot of the movie. Predictable shit.
I think i need to end this flaily dialogue. No. Monologue.


Is anyone reading?