Saturday, May 26, 2018

Look up. Look in.

The room is really quiet. It’s almost May and summer is here so the world is loud and moving. But here, inside my room. The fan is off. The a.c is off. I’m oddly comfortable. I can hear some birds. 
My heart is hammering inside my chest. 90 bpm at least. It’s the tea. Can you believe it? Just the tea. I could fall asleep right now if it weren’t for the heart. Unrestrained. Unleashed. Not really. It rained sometime during the night. I was up till 5. In bed. Unable to fall asleep. Listening to a podcast. Acutely aware of the comforts I take for granted. Im acutely aware now. My egg and cheese sandwich was divine. The tea was good. I smell nice, from last nights shower. I prayed this morning. Everything is so different now. In so many ways, I’ve come so far. I’ve moved on. I’ve moved away. There’s an abundance of uncertainty. Hints of an impending chaos. Yet. An overwhelming sense of ‘everything will be alright’. 
I must go sit with my parents. Then maybe nap a little. The heart has slowed down somewhat. 

Went to the library today with N. Forced myself out of bed. Two cups of coffee, bad tacos, and a a ton of studying later me and her went outside to thaw ourselves in the sun. The AC was killing me. 
We sat on the bench. I almost lied down. Closed my eyes. And we talked. Just about life, nothing major. I love that time of the sky when it starts to turn its late orange into my favourite shade of blue, hesitantly so. I love the quietening down of things. I saved that moment in my head. It was one of the good ones. 

The morning is beautiful. Second day in a row I’ve been up at 7. Sleep experiments and what not. Woke up a number of times. N called at 2:30 in the morning. To say that she was out driving and that it was raining. I made breakfast. Brought it outside. I’m wearing purple nail colour. A nice summery one. Of course it’s not mine. It’s cold. This flimsy shirt ain’t helping. It’s May, I know. But the wind is cold and fresh. And the world is very bright. My heart has been washed clean. I feel happy. Yep. Just..Happy right now. 

Decisions, decisions. I took two days off from my regular routine, just to give myself time to actively think. Reflect, ponder, self analyse, re evaluate and such. I thought in silence. I camped out in s2s room and thought out loud. I texted with N. Called V. Asked s1. Wrote in my journal. Wrote in my phone. Delved real deep. To figure out what I want. And what is right. What is right for me. All to avoid trapping myself in something that I won’t be able to get out of. I am so afraid of that. Feeling trapped. Irreversible shit. There needs to be an Out window. A fire escape. A secret exit. To everything. I need those. But then I can get really abnormal about these things. So I try to not take myself too seriously. 

Ah. I need me a serious dose of wisdom. I wish I had a Gandalf. 

Sunday, March 4, 2018


I’ve been sleeping poorly. Poorly is an understatement. Last night I got a (medicated) six hour stretch of unbroken sleep and woke up in a daze. A happy daze. Snuggled up with mom on the sofa and annoyed her by throwing week old balloons around. Breakfast was a boiled egg. It’s raining a little bit. Walked to the nearest place to get some coffee. I’m mad about fresh mornings. The coffee machine was broken. They apologised. I smiled and said it was okay. Came back home. Got some home Made coffee, grabbed my book and came up to the terrace. I’m cold. The coffee is so so bitter, just the way I like it. Goes straight to the brain. I’m listening to an instrumental where the guy is using something called a Hangdrum. Very soothing. Perfect reading music. My shoes are blue and grey fluff. Like the sky right now. It’s 3 pm. Feels like 10 am. There’s a new bird around my house. It makes a lot of noise. I just saw it. Looks like any other bird, but I’m not wearing my glasses so I can’t really say. But why does it talk so much? 

It’s raining again. Softly. The drops are fatter now. I’m still cold. Even though I’m wearing my cape shawl. I’ll go inside when my phone dies and the hangdrum stops. 6%. 

Monday, February 26, 2018


I feel a quiet bliss inside my chest. An almost silent drumming of melancholy too. A calmness, comfortably cold. And an urgency. A ceaseless, incessant fluttering of a heart overflowing with love, and kindness that I must give back. Always and more. 

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

The other side.

I had a minor epiphany the other day. Following a short rant to s1 about everything that was on my mind, I thought (out loud, over text) ‘I think I am trying too hard’. To which she replied ‘yes, you are’. Validation: Check.
 So I decided to disengage. Detach. Untangle. From everything, everything that I’ve taken upon myself to fix. It was weighing me down and debilitating me. I need to face and accept my limits. I can not fix every one and every thing so why am I even trying to? Why am I worrying myself sick over things that are beyond my control? Maybe I can do better. Maybe I can help this way. Maybe if I just did this one thing, the situation will change for the better. In trying to assuage this constant guilt of ‘am I not helping enough?’ I’ve managed to create permanent wrinkles in my heart and it has started to hurt. I am exhausted. It’s time to take two steps back and breathe. 

Easier said than done though. Ugh. Easier said than done. 

Today was a day of breaking rules. I woke up really late. Pressed snooze at least 18 times. Had a royal breakfast in s2’s room where we watched Gilmore girls and lazied around for hours. Emily Gilmore is my favourite btw. Took a good shower, and wore very matching clothes with matching socks. Red. Then dad called and requested our presence. So hung out with parents for a bit and ended up lecturing them them about some important issues. Went for a walk with s2 and got coffee on the way. I’ve been off caffeine for a while now. Well not caffeine. Just coffee. Long story why but anyhow. I got me some coffee and boy was it fulfilling. Me and S2 walked for two hours and shared our grievances about the world and it’s many people. The sound of shoes on gravel is most pleasing to my ears. Especially when it’s dark and cold outside. And silent. Also aeroplanes in the dark. Isn’t it fascinating how something seemingly insignificant like watching aeroplanes in the sky can come to mean so much to you? Moving on. I got home after the walk and decided to not study at all. Spent an hour or so talking to V about mental health. THEN. Ordered fried chicken and Chips around midnight. What? And watched black mirror. Now I’m in bed. 

I like brave people. I even like the word Brave. I want to be brave. I think if I had a doggo, I’d call him brave. Instead of Wolfgang which has been my preference for a while. 

The new year has begun. We spent the night around remnants of a bonfire that is rekindled at the last night of every year. We sit around the fire and talk about our hopes and fears and what makes us who we are. I couldn’t sleep all night though. 7 am, a splitting headache, frozen feet and an unquiet heart. Realised that my relationships have more of an affect on me than anything else. 

Friday, December 22, 2017

Under thy rib.

I hate it when people claim to hate drama but actually don’t. I hate it when people act mad. Not mad as in angry. But mad as in insane. Out of control. Irrational. Continuously so. I hate unnecessary pessimism. But when is pessimism ever necessary? I hate snide remarks. Indirect comments. Saying one thing and meaning another. I hate empty formality. Doing things just for the sake of doing things. Saying anything because something must be said. I hate self pity. Victim mentality. Hate it when people can’t be bothered to listen. I hate people giving up hope. Hate the pain that’s eating away my gut. 

I don’t care much for happiness. Or sadness for that matter. For me. It’s more about feeling light or feeling heavy. And no they’re not the same. I want to feel Light. Always. Even when things are hard. Even when elephants are jumping on my shoulders and my head is balancing a mountain. Even then. To not let shit weigh me down. That’s the goal. Happiness? Transient. Mirage like. Drug like. Pfft. Who cares. 

Sons of dinosaurs.

This morning is different. Well. It’s the 1st of December. The beginning of the end. A few days back it was the beginning of October and where did November even go? Just asking. It’s a little after noon yet it feels as if it’s dark grey and wet outside. And very very cold. Except it’s not. It’s pleasantly sunny. I prefer the former btw. 

My room is toasty orange. S2 didn’t have work this morning. So we stayed inside and had breakfast with complimentary jalebi from the nice people next door. 

Lately I’ve been plagued by drama on all fronts. Family, friends, friends of friends. Ugh. Vomit inducing. I just finished watching the Intouchables. It’s one of my favourite movies. It made me laugh and it made me smile. As it did the first time I watched it. S2 thinks it’s a sad movie. And she called me colour blind. Or rather. Emotion-blind. Instead of red and green, I have trouble distinguishing between sad and funny. That made me laugh too. 

So Icarus’s dad told him not to fly too close to the sun because the heat would melt the wax holding his wings together. But sun shmun. He didn’t listen. Closer and closer to the sun he flew until feathers turned to fire, flight turned to fall, and he drowned to his death in the sea. I think we all, at some point in life, channel our Inner Icarus. We fly straight into the sun until we burn, fall blind, or simply fall. 
And no amount of advice (parental or otherwise) can prevent that.

I love the sound of thunder. Like fire in a dragons belly. Threatening to split the sky open any second. Mom is like me. She says it warms the heart, thunder. 

Idris Elba. I love that guy. I started watching Luther just so I could hear him talk. Heh. The show is meh though.

Saturday, November 11, 2017

Somebody else.

It’s a cold day. The fan is off, the room is silent. My throat feels like it will start hurting by the time I’m back home from lunch. My system does not cope well with physical stress. Headaches escalate and fevers happen. Inconvenience I tell you. I’ve been watching Vikings in bed all day and I like Ragnar. I keep telling s2 that he has a smile about his face. It’s something. 

It’s Halloween today. I am reminded of a yellow kid beaming next to a goat. Just an old dream. 

I am increasingly intrigued by why people behave the way they do. What their masks are made of. What fears drive them? Every one,  everyone has a story. I can’t help but look for it every time I interact with someone. 

The idea that I have, of the kind of person I want to be must not remain an idea. A mirage. Lately, I’ve been making an active effort to become that person. I’m doing things that I am not comfortable with, saying things I would never have had the guts to say three years ago. But I’m doing it now. Because the only way to do it, is to do it. 
Baby steps, baby. 

You think death, disease, doubt, depression, are things that happen to other people. You hear stories, you empathise but don’t relate. Can’t relate, because they are not about you. Not you, never you. But then bit by bit it starts to happen. To you, and those near you and nothing is ever the same and your story is just as ordinary and painful as the next person. 

Life feels churny again. I’m not working but every day is full. V is here. And between shopping trips to sleepovers to maintaining old rituals to struggling to get through all nine hours of the Lotr series before she leaves, I’m trying to deal with one of the saddest things I have faced as an adult. I’m meeting N for breakfast tomorrow morning so we can catch up on the shit we are both dealing with. I have lost half my voice. And 3 a.m thoughts are getting heavier. 

I went cycling today. And cycled to my hearts content. After years. It’s getting cold. Cold enough that my feet are cold and I’m wearing a hoodie. Having air rush through your hair is one of the best feelings. Cycling gives me that. I got this bicycle from N’s little sister and had to cycle back home. S2 drove and I tried to chase her and so I peddled hard and by the time I got home my heart was half out of my chest and I was so nauseous I had to sit next to the flush for five minutes. S2 found this amusing. 

Me and her also sat at the swings for a while as we often do when it gets chilly and white with fog and smog. I should call my dad tomorrow. My throat is dry and painful every night and every morning. I thought about some things last night. I feel liberated in a way. It was really good for me. I ate daal chawal after I got home from cycling. With finely chopped salad just the way I like it. Watched Alias Grace with s2. Criminal psychology fascinates me. But all shows are so predictable. Today was good. In spite of the heart sinking and squeezing every now and then as it does. It was almost peaceful. Still is. So far.