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Friday, May 12, 2017

Museum of flight

I miss my hands being red and numb, trying six ways to squeeze lemons into a bottle on top of a mountain. I miss sitting around a table, feeding leftover wings to dogs, listening to strangers talk about glaciers while sipping coffee that took two hours to make. I miss asking again and again. Where am I? What are we doing here? How did we get here? What is our life? I miss getting into bed at night knowing there's a white mountain at watch outside my window. I miss the music. The one I cannot listen to now because my heart folds upon itself every time I do. I miss the streets and the stones. I miss the human warmth amidst the snow. The red faces, burnt toes, orange hair, the tiniest things. Oh it's just that. I feel my heart now has wings and it doesn't beat any more, it flutters. And it must, must be set free. 

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Eat pray war.

Today started out as an impossible day. I was sick and stuck to my bed for two days and because I couldn't miss another day of work, I went. Work was shit until. .   oh God I'm too tired to type. I guess I'll write later.

I feel bad for my mom because work is driving me insane and I can't spend any time with her and she feels that. She makes me a lunch bag every day now because I've been falling sick too often. She makes me coffee and packs biscuits and water and food. There's soup today too. Mmmm. Yesterday i came back from work and slept almost the entire day. Later, I went down, mom fed me food, then I lied on her tummy and she put on a ghazal on her phone and I fell asleep listening to that.

The season is changing. And it sets something in motion. I was up till late last night. The fan was on and the lights were dim and I had just showered and I was in a perfect pink bubble. Pink because I have pink lights   in my room. Two friends called and I talked to each for a bit. The incoming of summer with its brightness and loudness, opens up something. I don't quite know how to explain it but the feeling is there and it's strong. Like a meteor shower of memories. Today is a very pleasant morning. It's purple day at work. I'm wearing the only purple thing I had in my closet. I'm oddly at ease and unease.

Dad is here. Yesterday I was sitting with parents and dad said something to mom and she couldn't hear it, and dad repeated it three times and then me and him started laughing at the same time. And oh God, to hear my dad laugh. My heart turns to honey. Honey and butter. I really, really missed that.

It's 7 a.m and it's a Sunday. No work today thank God yet I'm up. Biological clock and all. So I talked to V for a bit. Read my book for a bit and then I thought breakfast in bed is the only thing missing from my life right now. So I thought let me be a hero and make my dreams come true. And I did. Made myself some breakfast and some tea in pretty cutlery. Now I'm fat and full and still got time to sleep and some sleep in my head, before mom wakes me up for the real breakfast. Vao.

I told V that I don't know how to be loud about my enthusiasm or happiness or grief for that matter. I can't be loud with feelings in general. Bursts of emotion make me uncomfortable. I feel things silently but deeply. Yet I am surrounded by people who want/expect me to be otherwise. My heart is overworked. And tired. Of feeling guilty for feeling not the way I'm supposed to feel. Not nearly enough. Because what use is care, empathy and love when it's tucked deep inside crevices of the heart that no one can see?

I've been playing with babies all day. I made her listen to classical music and she fell asleep. Which reminds me. The plane in my dreams finally flew. I don't know what triggered it or what it means. But it flew for the first time and it flew straight up in the sky and landed in the most beautiful place with a beautiful name which made sense to me in the dream. Thank the Lord.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Forts.

I ordered Mohsin Hamid's new book for myself yesterday and it arrived today and mom paid for it. She asked me why I was so happy about it. Ecstatic as I tore the brown paper off it and flipped the pages. It's not about the book really. It's just that it's something I took time out for and I haven't been reading much at all and buying a book for myself has given me so much cosy joy. I'm oddly comforted.

I don't have much to write now. I don't have the heart to write anything. So that's all for now. 

Friday, February 17, 2017

Ticktock

I'm off work for a while. So my focus for the near future is just Shadi Shadi Shadi. s1's getting married, incase you didin't know. Haha. I keep saying there aren't enough hours in the day for all the stuff that needs to be done. I spent an hour last night trying to work a bunch of things in my schedule for today - hopefully i will be crossing every one of them off my list by the end of the day. I need to buy contact lenses (buy and wear them for the first time ever, noeyesnowedding), I need shoes, (the wedding is in a week and i don't have shoes, wow), I need to go for a final fitting of the dress that i'm supposed to wear the day after tomorrow, wow again, I need to get booked at a parlor, (i sound like the worst organized person in the history of weddings by now), I need to attend a late lunch for a friend who is leaving for the US for good, AND then i have to dance the rest of the day. I think i am forgetting something. But okay, lets at least get these done for now. OmG and yes there's this other printing thing..eeek.
Anyway.
Its 1 pm. And i'm still in bed. I decided to wake up late and spend some Bubble time in my room. My feet hurt from all the dancing. I woke up, i checked my phone and replied to people and read things. I had egg and toast and jam and tea. Oh wait, theres still some left. *takes a sip*. Ick, its luke warm. The light's out so i opened the blinds in my room and it's bright in here. I'm watching 'Girl on a train'. Not a very morning movie, but it'll do. Anything will do these days. I'm also planning on reading some fiction if and when i get time. Who am i kidding lol, but one can wish.
I used to listen to a lot of music. But I don't anymore. I don't have much in my phone, i youtube most things, and i heardly ever carry my headphones with me. I think it's because music, especially good music, makes ou feel things. And at times, it makes you feel things with a force. And i don't welcome that anymore. I am already too full of emotions and thoughts and feelings, I don't need triggers and i don't need nostalgia and the way your heart gets full when you hear a song. I don't want to experience extremes of emotions for no reason. There just isn't any need. I love how certain songs or books or movies can give voice/words to your thoughts, but I just..don't feel the need for that anymore. Don't know if it makes much sense, or any at all.
I continue to have baby dreams. More and more. WHAT DO THEY MEAN?
It is very important for me to not get attached to the 'idea' of something. People have certain ideas and impressions of things in their minds that they tend to stick to. They think they need to. But we don't. Not really. Oh God, i'm being very vague. Maybe i'll talk about this later. Words are not my friends. I wish i could write better. Oh well.

Bye.


Thursday, February 9, 2017

The fools who dream.

The other day we called Michael Fassbender, Fastbender and then laughed about it. When was the last time I laughed uninhibitedly? Hmmm. I don't remember. Hopefully not very long ago. Probably at work about something too. My colleagues are unknowingly hilarious at times, and isn't that a treat?
s1 and s2 got into a fight and we were all sitting in the lounge, hanging out, but then they both left, and now here i am. Ive got the place to myself and the laptop to myself and the sofa to my self. So i've decided to watch a movie. It's called The light between oceans. Not a clue what it's about but we watched Assassin's creed the other day and Fassbender's body melted s2 and she decided to download another Fassbender movie and so here it is. And here i am. Guests came over this morning and they brought chocolate. Little fancy nicely wrapped chocolate. Mmmm. All mine. I love it when people bring over chocolates, and i don't feel threatened because i know they're all mine because my sisters are not big on chocolates. Yes you heard/read that right. They're not big on chocolates. It's almost too good to be true. But yeah.
I did not want my sisters to fight because feelings ended up being hurt and I am so against feelings getting hurt and I don't know why everyone insists on holding on to little things and not letting go. I've been having a lot of trouble dealing with people lately. People don't seem to like me very much now, and I'm not very used to that but that's okay. To each their own. As long as i know my heart is clear. Maybe i have forgotten how to deal with people. Suddenly, it is all a bit much for me. I feel that I do not fit. I'm sure we all don't fit in some way. But i feel that..okay - Imagine a huge puzzle, the one with a thousand little pieces. Now take one out. Put it in front of the heater for 2 minutes until it gets all wobbly. Now imagine that as me. Try putting it back in the puzzle. No matter where you try to stick it, it's not going to fit. Why? Becuase - wobbly. There is no point. I am laughing at myself right now. What a shitly explained analogy. Like a sad teenager wrote it. No offence to sad teenagers. But tsk. Let's move on.
 I've been having very, very interesting dreams. Last night i dreamed of a movie plot, and it was very unique and complex and in the morning i was very proud of myself for coming up with something like that but now I don't remember any of it so i can't sell the idea and get rich so, pfft.
I think my parents are home. Are they?  No they aren't.
When asked what country they would like to visit, no one really says Russia. Why not? Because hollywood makes it look evil or because it is too cold? I would like to visit that place. I don't know much about it, but that's the point isn't it? To find out about places and people.
In this movie, fassbender smiles from behind his mustache. Which is making me smile, because that's something that my mom says about my dad, and i love it. Oh which reminds me. Dad came a few days ago, and when i met him and hugged him he laughed and it was warm, and i had missed that, and the afterglow of the moment stayed with me for at least two days. Maybe i'm exaggerating. But it was special for me. You know how sometimes when you hug people, or they hug you, and the hug is over but just when you're about to break away, they extend the hug for an extra 2-3 seconds? Let me tell you. That small extended bit of hug always has a meaning. Don't underestimate the extended hug.
I can't watch people eat food at dinner tables in movies. It makes me hungry. It makes me want to have elaborate protein rich meals. This guy has taken up a job in a lighthouse because he is too tired of war and civilization. That kind of thing appeals to me. Oh except, I want to be able to meet people when i want. Only when i want. I miss writing with an ink pen. My dad just called me for no reason. Asked about this and that. But he started with his very alive 'Hello' and i missed that too. I love it when he calls me and there is energy in his voice. s1 is back and she is looking for nuts to eat. I told her that i am in paradise right now. My feet are in a blanket, dim yellow light, and this blood red sofa. And a rug. And now, nuts. The introvert inside me is in pain. Oh by the way. It's February. It is my favourite month of the year and i never fail to mention that. Shakespeare once said that someone had a Februaryface and i think it is the best kind of compliment.
That you have such a February face,. So full of frost, of storm and cloudiness?
Yes, this. Um, i think he didn't mean it as a compliment there but someone calls me a Februaryface, i am going to love it.
Fassbender has found himself a wife. Now he's smiling with his eyes too. And so does my dad. Ha.
I like the angles of a shoulder blade. It is such a natural place for if we had wings.
 Okay i just guessed the plot of the movie. Predictable shit.
I think i need to end this flaily dialogue. No. Monologue.


Is anyone reading?

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Rant? Rant.

Ive been meaning to write in here for so long. Almost every day i make small notes in my head about 'blogable things' but never end up writing them down, and before i know it, one thing is replaced by another and then its all fumes.
The reason is, that I have had no time. No 'me' time. I was talking to my colleagues the other day and I told them about how I have three worlds. There's 1, where I work. There's another where i do basic survival things, eat-sleep-socialise. And then there's the Third world. The one where I do *cliche alert* soul things. I read, and i think and i reflect on what happened during the day, and who made me feel what and how do i make tomorrow better. Lately, I have only been living in World 1 and 2. And it is taking a toll on me. Last night, I just had enough and I went into cocoon mode. I cancelled plans with N. Cancelled plans with sisters and A too. I stayed in, and snuggled with mom. Made instant noodles, watched a shitty reality tv show with her and then fell asleep. Cancelled on morning plans too. I can't believe i am in my room right now, and I don't have to be somewhere or do something till a few hours at least. I don't have to do my hair, and I don't have to be a butterfly and i don't have to be fun. People don't appreciate it when i am not a butterfly. But i am not a butterfly. I am.. a snail who likes to live in its shell. Yuck i am not a snail. Scratch that. But you get the point yes?
I am enjoying my work by the way. There's one thing that is good. I like the people, I like the kind of work it is and i'm not bad at it. And I have learned a lot more about people in this time duration. I have learned to see the good in people, no matter who they are or what they do. I have learned to see the good in a situation no matter how stressful or dark it seems. And to be grateful, not nearly enough, but definitely more than ever before. Its a privilege to be taught these things.
ALSO. I am really bummed about the negativity around me. Criticism - of everyone and everything. Bringing people down. Mocking and making fun of others. Passing judgments on people without being sure of their circumstances or their mindset or anything at all. It's so EASY to do that. What's harder is giving other people the benefit of the doubt. Giving others a chance when no one else will. Why is it so wrong to be extra nice? To be gentle and kind? To look the other way when you find out unpleasant things about someone? Well okay i know its because people will walk all over you and take you for granted and eat you alive and feed you to rats, BUT wouldn't it be really sad if you let all this make you into a lesser person? How does anyone win like that? I know a balance exists somewhere. And we all need to find it. For me, all lines are blurred and zigzaggy. Almost everyone i know disagrees with my ideas and policies, but then again, everyone has their own learning curve. I will learn and find my balance in time. For now, I'm going to do what feels right.
Me s2 and N had a heated discussion on a cafe rooftop about how I don't share enough and how wrong it is of me to be like that. After about two hours, we did not conclude anything and nothing was resolved. I only realised somethings about myself. I realised that i am more mentally and emotionally detached than i thought myself to be. Maybe more so over time, maybe not. I don't know anymore. But i do know that I don't fulfill a lot of expectations that people have of me as a close friend. I fulfill only some. Which is why i'm extra grateful for the People who tolerate me anyhow. But maybe i don't check enough boxes. And it hurts people more than i realise. And i don't know what to do about that. Long discussion. Moving on. Let me write of some good things now. Look at all this smoke.

 I made myself an egg, jalapeno and cheese sandwich this morning and had tea with cake. Me and the sisters talked. No wars were waged and things were good. Also i took a really long shower and wore woolen sock boots and moistured my crocodile skin with my fave body butter. I feel rejuvinated.

We were at work the other day and one of my colleagues said that i don't interact with people enough and if i did and more people knew me, they would all love me. Egoboost, lulz.

I was on my way to work the other day, and i hadn't slept for two nights and hadn't had much to eat or any
 rest either, but while on my work, caffeine racing in my veins,  for five minutes, i felt invincible. Like nothing was a problem, and being this busy was the only way to live. Of course, an hour after i got to work, i sat down and my friend said your eyes are red and you look crazy, and then i crashed and woke up 4 hours later thinking it was the end of time. But i'm going to remember that feeling.

s1 is calling me downstairs. We are going to eat something and watch something. Little weekend rituals, when we can manage the time.

Things aren't bad you know. Just hard. And that is life. All i ask for is time to breathe now and then. Every thing will be okay. Someday.
Till then, It is what is is.

I hope i can write here again before too long.



Friday, November 25, 2016

Clock in, clock out.

Life is like a magic ball these days. Remember magic balls? The crazy little shits that are super bouncy and once you let them go they bounce off every single surface around you with the speed of light making it impossible to catch them at all? Life is like that these days. All I got are these little snatches of time, me time, that I try to stretch out and live in as long as I possibly can. Time is relative. So I mentally stretch these pockets of time and make them my own. Right now, I'm on my way to work. My stomach is a complete mess and so are my sinuses. For breakfast I had two Panadol Extras and one brave bite of leftover pizza.  What I like about work is how every day is a new chance to be good to people, to make their life a tad bit easier, better. A pleasant interaction can make your day. And it can be with anyone. Smile when you talk. Joke around a bit. Listen. Be kind. Not very hard. I try to do all of these. I like it when I've had a long long day but it has been a productive one. Anyway.

I think that nothing in life is harder than having to watch your loved ones be in pain. I can handle my own pain. My problems will never bug me as much as another person's will. Because I can control myself and I can fix myself, because I know how to. But you cant always fix other people's painful hearts and greyed souls. You can't change who they are or who they've become at this point in their life. You cannot make them behave a certain way even if you believe it might help them. It is a bit agonizing but even more so because you know that if youre feeling bad, they're probably feeling worse.

One of the highlights from this week for me was my early morning breakfast with N the other day. We sat on a rooftop and it was sunny but cold and I had a hearty omelette and she had yogurt with fruit and granola and that was three days ago and I knew I was going to make myself the same thing at home so I did. I put yogurt and granola and pomegranate and banana in a bowl and gobbled it up. It makes for a great breakfast. I was humming the Lion king's Sega, level one soundtrack all day today. Still am.

I am perpetually tired and my body is warm and achy in different places everyday. N says that I get this vibe about me when I am working. A dull/dead vibe. She doesn't like it. I don't feel it though. *Shrugs*

The other day a friend asked me what I was thankful for. That made me think of things and I didnt really have to think hard because I am actively consciously thankful for many small things every day. So I think maybe I will write about the small things that I am grateful for, in the next post. My posts are never planned, which is so obvious but I think I will be writing about this. Hmm.

Okay, till then.