Sunday, May 22, 2016

The infinite anguish of free souls.

Parents are in town. House is home. Made ready-to-cook parathas for them at breakfast. Had chai and samosas in the evening. Laughed over failure to count in Urdu. (Shameful, shameful I tell you). Went out to walk with N. Sat on the swings. Talked about social issues. And personal ones. Was too nauseous by dinner but had food anyway because mom ne haath se khilaya.

 Work has been crazy. For the first time this morning I saw dark circles under my eyes. But this keeps me busy and every day I do something new. I do things that I don't like to do or dread even. But I do them anyway. I'm mentally and physically drained, so much so that by the time i'm home i just want to put my feet up in clouds and not feel anything. I wonder every day if it's worth it. All this. Haven't decided yet. The jury's still out. Let's see.

 At any point in life I don't want to be doing anything that makes me feel miserable and trapped. The day I see that I'm getting no returns for giving so much of myself, I think I will walk away.

 I was at a shop today. There was a girl of about 13 maybe with her dad. Her dad asked her what she wanted and she pointed to a Milo and said 'sabz waala juice'. The shopkeeper didn't move. 'chalees ka hai' he said. The girl looked at her father and the father asked her to get something else. 40 was too much.The girl insisted but then gave in. 'Das waali chocolate de dain'.
 It broke my heart. It's such a tiny thing but so sad and so real and not tiny at all. I got the girl a Milo though, don't cry. The father smiled and the girl looked confused.

 I like feeling my ribs.

 Today is Sunday. Have never been so excited for a Sunday. I have no plans. That is the plan. I will try to lift the sticky grey filter off my thoughts today. Let the sun in. Find some realness.

 There's more. But i don't know what to do with it.