Except a little.

Came home the other day. My personal rehab. I'm here to relax the shit out of myself. Detox. Recover. Revive. And all those words. On our way home, me and dad were driving through the old part of the city, mom wanted him to get fresh oranges for me. He parked near the fruit vendors and then he pointed to this really old two story building and said 'Do you know this is where i used to live? I was probably born here but we left this place early'. Then he showed me two green doors on the top and said that the doors hadn't changed. He said that as kids, they used to stand on the roof, wrap some grass in paper and throw it on the road. They would watch people pick it up, but finding only grass, they'd throw it back on the road. That was their entertainment. I smiled.

It's cold here. There's hardly any gas. But i have my big quilt and my towel socks. Last night I finished a book that got me through a lot of shit. It had sort of become my go-to book. And i was a little sad that it ended. But now i have something new to read and so my mind will keep stretching. Thinking of starting a little fiction on the side, but let's see about that. I stayed an extra day in the City, to watch The Hobbit. Liked it more than i thought i would. I've noticed that i enjoy watching movies with r1. We laugh a lot. Now i'm thinking about my last day at the hostel before coming here. I really liked that day. Dim light. Cosy little room. All of us being cosy. Sleeping, talking, laughing, eating. There was a timelessness about that day. And Nd took us all out for ice cream too. Sometimes he gets too brotherly. It's nice.

Mom and dad are sweethearts as usual. Mom is forcing comfort on me. Wear these socks. Wear an extra shawl? Should i make you a burger? Will you have halwa? Do you want to order in? Sit in front of the heater. Here, have a banana. Haha. Dad makes fun of her 'kandhon pe bitha lo isko' he said. Hahah. Sweetbabies. s1 is struggling with having to study in this cold cold atmosphere. And s2 is busy with her friend's wedding.

Isn't it really interesting how mindsets change drastically over time? Thoughts, opinions, perceptions? Everything. You can not trust your mind. I mean, of course you can. But not quite. We're all changeable little people. Speaking of change, I need to change a lot of things. I made a new years resolution list with Sd last year, and we'll make one this year too. He told me to set achievable goals. But mine are always so vague and big. I can hardly measure my progress by the end of the year. Maybe i'll do better next time.

I don't want these days to pass me by. I want to fix myself in all the ways that need fixing. And i want to and have to do it myself. I can already feel a certain change happening inside me. Some essential part of my core, has shifted. And there is more to come. Hopefully. I don't want it to stop. The biggest changes i think, happen the quickest at times. A spark. A realization. An instant. And then nothing is the same.

I have to attend weddings this month. Not looking forward to any of them. There's too much make up involved. And too much fanciness. I'm just not a wedding person. Oh well. I'll deal with it. I'm looking forward to the bonfires. I love the bonfires. And i miss my boots. My one and only pair. I think I need a new jacket though. My neck hurts. I slept in a weird posture and now it's stiff. I had the weirdest dreams last night. But when have i ever had normal dreams? But the airplane made an appearance again. Crashed i think. Stupid airplanes.

I like to pollute people's notebooks. ALL the time. All my friends have some shit on their books and notebooks because of me. And they often send me pictures of it later while they're studying. I like leaving my mark on things. It's a thing. When i was in school, our classroom's Whiteboard had a smiley in one corner. I drew it with a permanent marker. Heh.

Anyway, I'm done for now.
Time for a hot shower.

Yellow flicker beat.

Hmm. I guess it has been a while. Who has had the time? Well it isn't about the time. It's about the mindset. Oh God, I've had the shittiest most stressful exam month. Absolutely dreadful. Multiple meltdowns. Unhealthy routine. Oceans of caffeine. No sleep. And what not. It's still not over but I've got some time off. And I'm going to relax the shit out of myself. Yes i will!

There is a lot going on in my head. A lot of it that i would like to write about, in some way at least. But i don't even know where to begin and how to contain it in words. Maybe with time. Bit by bit.

I'm obsessed with Comfortably Numb these days. I'm listening to a lot of old music nowadays. Feels good. s1 said she was in a weird mood. So i sang along a backstreet boys song and sent her a voice clip of it. That was fun.

My forearms hurt when I am really exhausted. Head, forearms and upper back.

I'll write more later. Right now, I'm going to finish watching Camp Xray. 

Pouring moonlight.

I like spending some extra time in bed every morning recalling the dreams I had. Planning the day, thinking about breakfast, stretching like a cat etc.
But some nights, I dream a million dreams. So my head feels boggy when I wake up and it takes a while to clear the fog away. Makes me feel grumpy. Makes me feel like saying No to the day and going back to sleep. Today was one of those days.

I laugh a lot. I mean, A LOT. Me and s2 usually end up with tears in our eyes from laughing too hard. Also I turn red very easily. Ive been told.

My dad is funny in the sense that he acts all tough and stone like but inside hes just giant big marshmallow. He smiles his microsmile. I love his micro smile and his subtle non-laugh.

One would think that after four years it would get easier to leave home. Well actually it does get easier but some times, it's as hard as leaving for the first time. I like to leave early when everyone is asleep.

I'm now back at the hostel and struggling to get out of bed. V texted me and said she was struggling too. So we exchanged some music on whatsapp and now she's up but I'm still in bed. Ok I'm up too now.

Nd and W came to pick me last night. For ice cream. We ate, talked, laughed and then they dropped me back. Mood elevator.

My hair is short now. Proper short. Its so refreshing. A friend of mine suggested making eggs in butter. Have to try that. I have a good feeling about it.

My hands are always warm. Even when its cold.

It is that time of the year again, and that time of the night.
I wish i could get a good night's sleep. One where I don't wake up every few hours.
When was the last time I closed my eyes at night and opened them only in the morning? Uninterrupted? I don't remember.

The day the airplane in my dream takes off, I will know that something in my life has finally clicked  into its right place. For now, I'm waiting.

I have been reading a lot. Stretching the mind, or at least trying to. And a midst all of that, medicine somehow feels irrelevant. But I am also scared. Because i need to work hard, and I can't seem to focus. It's an old problem. But it's there. And I don't know what will fix that, if anything will at all.

Went out with a cup of hot milk and stood in the wind for about half an hour. Watched the rain. Smelled the rain. Felt it all. It's almost four. Had to wear an extra shirt. It's getting chilly.

There's a dead ant in my water bottle. Oops.

Full circle.

Finally, finally went out today. Watched Anabelle with the girls. Forced two of them to go, and then ended up burying my head in r1's shoulder through most of the scary bits. There are two types of people in the world. Those who scream, and those who don't. I belong to the latter. I don't scream. Unless cockroaches are involved.

Found a little black balloon floating in the place where we had dinner. I brought it back to my hostel. I named it Ebola. Is that okay?

Seems like my heart wakes up in winter.

I love being out. Sitting in some place, good company. That's really all i want. Well not really. But you get the point.

I was once watching House and there was this thing Wilson said. Something like 'You'd be surprised what you can live with'. For some reason, it has always stuck with me. This sentence. Because I think it's true. I hate House now btw.

Every day feels like a blessing. The mind, the heart, the spirit, the body, they all need exercise. I think I'm finally getting some. Not nearly enough but, some.

My cellphone is heavy with memories. Needs decluttering. Like my mind.

Today i did something that i was proud of,  Confronted a friend about something that was bothering me. Fought the fear of awkwardness. Maybe i can do this more often and not die inside every time some kind of shit happens that messes up my mind.

Tu bhi na maanay, koi bhi na janay, kaisay ho pur ye khala
Rangon main tum ho, khyaalon main gum ho, najaanay tu hai kahan

Good stuff, this.

Looking forward to plenty of walks. Looking forward to the sky.
Bubye now.

Winds of change.

Winds of change. Literally.
There's a chilliness to the air.
Cold feet hugging each other under a bed sheet that reminds me too much of home.
Can't help but smile though.
One of the houses in the street have a new yellow bulb. It glows.
The other one is painted pink. Its more a room than a house.
The woman are chatting away on charpaais.
Every morning i wake up and it says 'Dreary' on my phone's weather forecast.
Dampens your spirits a bit. Dreary.
Says 'thunderstorms' today. Now we're talking.
I've made friends with a book. I turn to it most nights before i sleep.
Felt hungover during exam today. The headache is still there.
Downloading Into the Wild. That movie needs to be watched again.
Eddie Vedder yo.
Alright, that is all now.

I only own my mind.

The floodgates have opened it seems.
No blogging for so long and suddenly i want to write everything down.
I get song cravings. Got a really strong Pearl Jam one right now.
I am mine.
I'm on an (undeserved) break from studying.
Had a mug of coffee. I feel calm. A good kind of settled calm.
Lorde is now playing in the background.
What would we do without lamps and wooden floors and camp chairs?
And music that enters your heart and controls it for a while?
And words. Words that really enter your heart.
I mean it's the tiniest things isn't it?
This red mug on this red rug. That red towel. Yes i like Red.
And oh God this song. Bittersweet symphony. That music.
Me and mom are similar in the weirdest ways.
We love dry fruits. And left over pakoray from the fridge with naan after midnight.
And sometimes we obsess over the same little things.
We can be heroes. Just for one day!
Life's going to be chaotic soon.
I hope my gut survives the caffeine.
And my nails survive my teeth. Heh.
No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
Im here in my mold
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
no, no, no, no, no 
 Oh and yes, i tweaked my blog a bit. Happened at 5 a.m last night. Or morning. Or whatever.There, I'm done for now.
If it rains tonight, i'll be a happy person.

What directs the dream.

3 a.m.
Is this a journal?
Maybe, for now.
Today was good.
Woke up early. Pepperoni and butter toast.
Bitter coffee and Dewberry.
Pathology. Slept.
First panic attack of exam season.
Random plan with crazy friends.
Unexpected laughter.
Tea and talk.
Long call with V.
I WANT TO FIX YOU.
Lots of laughter.
Pathology session.
Made sandwiches for sisters and cousin.
Music, lamp, cold room.
Peach and water.
Ophthalmology? Don't know yet.

Copper doesn't know it's copper, until it's changed to gold.

Today has been weird.

So i will do what i do on most weird days. I will whine. And vent. Here.

Hi there.

My coffee behaved like an ass today. Only made me yawn a lot. I was stuck in bad traffic for two hours. And was headachy most of the day. So i had more caffeine which made me more headachy and didn't get much studying done either. And my stomach feels weird.
I called N. We laughed. I like that i can always call her and end up laughing.

I miss the time i spent at N's place. We used to go out for walks. I used to stand on that swing and we'd talk about all sorts of things. I miss listening to the radio ALL the time in her car. I miss the time we drove after my bus after we missed it. I miss all the chocolatey gooey shit i used to eat at her place. I do not miss the weight i gained however. Haha.Good times.

Dad talked about his old home today. While we were stuck in traffic. Its weird how little i know about his earlier life. Life before he was a father and a husband. When he was just himself. He doesn't say much. I'd like to know more. I know he used to play football. And spent sometime in Chicago. And had a beard once. I've seen pictures. But not much. I should make him talk more.

I keep complaining about wanting more stability and groundedness. But i've been thinking, that maybe it's not what i want at all. And maybe i love the transient-ness of everything. I don't want to stay in one place. I can't, i think. Maybe I like being rushed. With little pauses every now and then. To breathe. And reflect maybe.

Just had a long conversation with Sd about how messed up we are as a society. How many things there are that we wish our parents had taught us. How much there is that needs to change. And who is going to change that and is it going to change at all? Who knows.

I like to complain about little things. It doesn't really help anything. Just like it doesn't help to complain about big things. But i don't complain about big things. Not like this. It's easier to worry about insignificant things instead. Big things will sort themselves out. What can you do.

There's a cricket in my room that's making my ears bleed.

Alright, I think this is more than i've written in here in a long time. So.
That'll be all then.

Mornings.

There's a flood of sunlight in my room every morning.
Makes me feel like its a Sunday.
Everyday.

And this bed is big.
Plenty of room to stretch
And yawn
Like a lazy cat.

Like old times.

This place will always/has always been there for times like these. And that's why It has and will always have a special place in my heart. Okay? Okay.
So its 3 a.m. I can't sleep. My brain is full of thoughts. And the rest of me is full of feelings. And I can't sleep. Or study. But I am hungry. Noodles would be ideal but since we're out of those, I'll go hunt for something in the fridge. Then I'll come back and watch a movie called The Network on my phone. A cheesy chick flick would be ideal but I don't have that either so. Yeah. That's that.
Also. Disillusionment? Hello. You're back I see. And you've brought your friends along that I don't really care much for.
Im just whiny. And awake. And I need..I need to get it together.
Okay, I'm going to get my laptop from s2's room. And watch a cheesy movie. Alright.

Have you ever put your head on your moms tummy? It's the best feeling.  Just so you know.

Update: 

Its almost 4. Got myself an elaborate, very very early breakfast. Nuggets, chicken chunks, nutella and jam. And hot milk with honey...for the sleep yknow. I've chosen 'Becoming Jane' to watch, in a hurry. It will have to do. But the lamp is on, and the room is cold, and im having warm milk while talking to myself on the internet. I feel better. Old times. :)

Refocus.

Sometimes..

Caffeine fueled conversations, impulsiveness, jittery laughter, ice cream with hot waffles, comfortable silences, driving around, feeling the wind, touching rain, heartbeat, feeling connected, and floaty at the same time, popcorn and head massages, overspending without guilt, walking to Chopin, learning faces, learning skies, voicing thoughts and opinions and absorbing information and emotions, blurry roadlights, and little things, micro things..

Are more important than.

Textbooks and tests and stress and routine and the guilt of not doing things that must be done, the to do list.

Did I say Sometimes? No. Always.
Of course. 

Don't know what to do.
What to think or what to say.
Don't want to wait.
If I could just be..
that would be great.

North and back.

Jeep rides. Hill climbing. Walking through clouds and leaving tree tops behind. Running down the hill. Euphoric laughter and lame jokes. Clumsiness and stomachaches. Raging rivers and chilled redbulls. Bbq and chaye. Long walks and heart to hearts with s2. Ludo teams, orion and shooting stars. Taboo insanity. Stealing tissues. Crazy parents and 3 a.m snacks. Body cramps and sleeplessness. Card games outside a dhaba with Nd. Hot showers at 7 a.m. Pink floyd and Manwa re. Rain and hoodies.

Oh what a trip it has been.

It's the tea.

Having trouble falling asleep tonight.
Got sandy eyes but a loud heart. And a louder mind.
Only had two cups of tea. Is it just the tea?
Walked in the garden as it rained today. Miniscule drops of heaven, light enough to be felt, not seen.
There's unrest inside me tonight.
Is it just me or does the heart feel more and the mind wonder more once its past 4 in the morning? Im sure its not just me. It's all of us.
It's past seven and I'm just thinking,  what's going on in this world? Really. What the hell is happening and why are we letting it happen? Do you know?
I have missed s1 without realising it as strongly as I am at the moment.
There are things that need to be bought and made ready. Things to be checked off a list. There's hardly time now.
Interestingly, there's little disconnection. Just more lost tonight (this morning?) than usual. 
I know.
Its the tea. And the time.
And the loudness.
Let me wake up. Fall asleep first. And life will feel normal again.

Cheers.

One of those moments.

You know those moments when everything feels like it is resting in it's right place? There's a sense of balance.  Satisfaction, contentment maybe? Quiet, beautiful, fleeting moments.
I had one of those today.
:)

Close to peace.

I think it's raining outside. But then it might not be. But I'd like to think that it is.
Home is beautiful. I think I've been here a week now and it's almost as if time has stopped. Day, night,  who cares? I sleep when I want, I eat when I want and I basically do nothing for hours at end.
I normally don't like this routine but I'm going to start studying soon and ramzan is here and things are going to get busy so I thought why not rest myself as much as I can. And rest I did. 

S2 is here at home this time. She is such a nuisance. Has always been. But that's good because otherwise I'd just lie around and do nothing all day.  With her, the idiot mode is on all day. And it's fun.
S2 you little shiz.

The other day I was sitting with mom and she asked me if I thought there's such a thing called Love. Does it exist? She said. I don't know how she could ask such a thing. Whenever I see my mom and dad sit together, esp when they're annoying the shit out of each other, that's when I feel love radiating from them. It's very apparent. It makes my heart smile. Sounds cheesy but it really does.

God has been really kind to me. Almost miraculously kind.

Went to meet my cousins the other day. Short trip but so much fun. I hate those idiots but I also adore them. I think that's what family is. I also tried chocolate chilli ice cream. Yeah. It was as bad as it sounds.

I hope I'm able to cherish this time at home as much as I can. Let's see.

Oh and I'm almost done with Five people you meet in heaven.

Till next time.

I haven't been this glad to be home in a long while. 
So at peace. At least for now.
Getting a haircut tomorrow.
Show called Episodes is on tv right now. It's not funny. Not even a little.

Okay then. 

Imaginary hugs.

I like to give people imaginary hugs.

Like if someone does something nice for me. Or if they're just sitting there crying in front of me.

..then I give them a hug in my head.

Slowmedown summer.

It's that time of the year again. End of term tests, the heat, mosquitoes and home sickness.  I miss the comforts of home, I really do. The thing I miss the most right now is ghar ki roti. Ah. would do anything for that right now. Instead, I'll go drink some Gatorade, the only bottle I have. It's the end of the month and I'm broke. So there's that too.

ANYWAY.

I have a couple of issues on my mind, none of them really mine. People need to get better at solving their problems so I can have some peace and rest.

I watched the new Xmen recently. Was a fun day. Laughed a lot. The days where I talk and laugh the most are often my happiest days. Good company can make quite a difference. And good weather too of course. And good food? Yep. Throw that in as well.

I need to go get water. I'm out of water. After that I will try and start studying. Which reminds me, I still haven't watched Her and Dallas Buyer's Club. Must do it soon.

I want to sleep all day. Or go out and be crazy. Since I can't do the latter, I must try and do the former. Okay that sounds depressing.

Alright that's it for now.
W was like why haven't you blogged for a while now? And I couldn't think of a reason why. So here I am. Writing something down.
Till next time!

Hard and soft

**S1: I've noticed you've become quite cynical..and stubborn. You seem to have lost all your patience for things.
Me: lost my patience?  I've had it with patience man. I'm sick of being patient and letting people do whatever they want. I've been patient for too long and I don't know about cynical but yeah..I'm a little angry. I'm just tired of people being bullshits.
S1: bullshits?
Me: yes. Bullshits.

**May is here. So is unbearable dhoop. And homesickness.

**S2: I'm Hungry. I want to eat a house.
Me: a house? Which house? White House?
S2: ....

**S2 is leaving and that is going to change things.

*Me: Hahah. Man you're evil. You make everyone cry. Well. Except me. Wait. Have you made me cry yet?
R2: I would never make you cry.

** Me: I'm in this 'whatever' phase. You know I realised a while ago that i base all my relationships on fear. Fear of confrontations and irreversible changes and awkwardness and things never being the same again. But all of a sudden, i'm over it. Just like that. I don't care. I'm letting things happen. Hence, the 'whatever' phase.
W: But don't you think it is kind of dangerous?
Me: Well yeah, it is. But i can't help it. It's just a phase. I mean i hope it is.

** I love spending time in my room. It's hotter here, but the joy of having a space of my own. I wouldn't change that for nothing.

**Me: When I was a kid. I watched this movie called Harriet the spy. And then I wanted to be a spy. And I had a little notebook and my dad's precious Russian binoculars and I would pretend to spy on my neighbours.I would imagine myself sneaking into their house.
SS: LOL. Did you ever actually sneak in anywhere?
Me: No ofcourse not. I would just roam around with my equipment and act all sneaky and make useless notes about nothing.

** "Aba had always said tat it was so easy to condemn people; condemnation was an act of smugness, wasn’t it? Didn’t it arise form the certainty that you would never do what you were condemning someone else for? But how could you say that unless you could slip into their soul, peer around and see what serpents fed there, what abysses gaped? How could you say anything unless you knew how the serpents and abysses came to be, and what it meant to live with them every single day? Shouldn’t we simply be grateful that our lives allow us to live with grace every single day?" - Kartography

** Nd: (on what he liked best about me) She's the most full of life person i know. You just can't bring her energy down.

**s2: Let's get a Mighty zinger on our way back. And then we'll talk about my Future.
Me: Haha..okay.

** Are you seriously this out of touch?

One of those times.

I really envy people who can write. Really write. Who can transform thoughts into words. Channel out all that emotion. I really envy them and I wish I could free myself of this heaviness in my head (heart?) By writing about it. Talking is too literal. Too open. Too risky. With writing you can say everything without revealing anything. And that is quite a luxury isn't it? I would like to have that cuz God knows I have stories to tell and thoughts to share but no way of putting them out there without taking away from them part of their essence. So, more often than not I choose to say nothing instead of everything for fear of mutilating what is so beautiful or meaningful in my head.
And this is one of those times. 

Moving two ways at once

Spiral in and spiral out

Which will it be

Cocoon first or the butterfly? 

Comments.

No one really blogs anymore, and this is not the first time i am complaining about that. I mean, there was a time, when i would open my dashboard and there were all these yummy un-read posts for me. I would sit, and read them all one by one. Now? Nothing.

So i thought i'd go visit some blogs of the people who had previously left comments on mine. So i opened the Comments section of my blog and reading through all the comments made me feel SO warm and nice. It's funny how random tidbits from total strangers can lift your mood like that.

Don't know why I called everybody a kid. But oh well. I felt good. So cheers! (:

Baby on xanax.

People are actually crazy. I have this girl on instagram who took a selfie while eating daal chawal. Like, selfie in the middle of a bite. What is that? And what is up with these girls going crazy on each other's pictures, like ZOMG YOU GORGEOUS THANG MARRYMERIGHTNOW XOXOXOXOX SJDASLKDJALSKJD! I COULD STARE AT YOU ALL DAY :* :* .... I mean. What is that? What? I don't get it.

Anyway. The funny thing is that every time i work out, I get such a high. I feel like I've burned all my calories and i'm the healthiest person alive and i don't need to exercise anymore. Total bull though. -___-

The other day my phone started acting like a jerk and i grew miserable and impatient by the minute so i decided to do a Factory reset. Deleted all my apps and my personal data and all the billion little things that i'd saved on it. Just like that. Turned out to be so liberating. My phone looks and feels new. Well, that's mostly cuz i updated it's software but whatever. Feels good.

Oh. Another interesting thing is that i have developed this sudden new found interest/fascination with make up! SO weird. I hardly own any make up and would always borrow my sister's but just all of a sudden, i feel like i need to have a big bag of nice makeupy stuff. And i will get it. One (or two) thing at a time. :)

I feel happy and healthy at home. I wish this never changes. I love this house. Love. A lot. FO-EV! Haha, that sounds annoying. LUV FO EV! Lol. Not funny. K.

I have this BAD cough that doesn't want to end. Ever. Mom's like Y U NO MEDICINE? So i'm taking medicine now. Before i used to take my cough syrup at times before sleeping, not because it helped my cough, but because it put me to sleep like a baby on xanax. Okay, stupid example. But yeah it was nice.

Anyway. I feel tired now.
Bye.

RANT! (#5)

OKAY.
RANT ALERT : I'm going to whine about petty little problems, so if that doesn't sound fun, don't read any further.

I mean. Is everybody insane? Sorry, but i can't handle this workload. I refuse to handle this shitty workload. There's this HUGE test in a few days. I've been trying to get some course covered but no, i turn page after page after page and I'm not even half done. And it's a test that i planned on passing. So that is not happening i guess. SECONDLY, there's a wedding on my head. ON MY HEAD. In the sense, that, its right before my big test. And i want to attend only one function but no one will let me, and i will be dragged to all three and will eventually screw up my test. ALSO. I mean. The wedding reminds me, my skin is acting retarded all of a sudden. Something keeps happening to it, and i'm drinking lots of water and doing nice things, but it refuses to get better. NOT FAIR. I want to look nice.
Then there's these assignments. These godforsaken assignments that i get every other day about this useless subject that no one cares about. Handed out by this INSANE professor. Petty professor i shall call him, because there is no other word for him. He is just petty. And hateful. And petty. And lame. And petty. And evil. And PETTY? YES! PETTY. Aaah. I can go on and on about him but i shall not waste any more of my precious blogging space on him. Anyway, so there's that.
And then. There was this whole drama about something which i will not get into because it's a long story but this much i will say: I hate mixing friends with family, and for good reason. I just don't like mixing those two parts of my life together. Well, almost all of my friends get along really well with my family but still. It makes me anxious and i avoid it. So please don't drag me into things.
Also. My maid at the hostel refuses to clean my room properly. She takes me for granted because i don't say anything to her but pliss man where is your humanity?
Oh and my cough is back. With flu. I was fine all day, but as soon as the lecture started and all was quiet, i got a cough attack and had to leave the hall. And no matter what i do, or what precautions i take or how many mugs of joshanda i take, this flu and cough will take it's sweet time and i can't do anything about it.

There is one good thing though. I might be going to this camping trip with N. Good thing, because i mean, YAY FUN. But! An annoying friend of her's is coming and i might have to miss a test at college. And what subject that is? The petty professor's subject. HOW GREAT IS THAT? :)
-_-

I feel weird and my heart's pretty much racing. Yes, it's the caffeine. It has messed up my stomach. So that's annoying too.
Its already almost 10. And i have tons of shit to cover. I don't want to stay up late tonight and then be a zombie at college tomorrow. And then i have to pack things and organize everything for the wedding. AND i don't know what to do with my hair. Okay well. Okay that is not a big issue. I will retract that. But well I'm pretty annoyed so everything is an issue.

Also, I'm broke.
And MH 370 is still missing.
And there was an earthquake today.
Life. Give us a break k?

You're crazy and I'm out of my mind.

I suddenly want too many things and I feel discontent. And restless. Almost as if life is about to leave me behind and I'm struggling to catch up.

 We often play this question game with people and a part of it is where they tell you about what they think are your good and bad qualities and you tell them your own views about yourself. It's quite amusing how different both answers can be.

 S2 says that I let go of things too easy. I didn't know that it was a bad thing. Because it's something that I've learned to do over time. Sort of like a survival skill. But she says no. Itni koi achi baat nahi hai ye. 

 This Malaysian airline disappearance thing has affected me more than normal. I'm so drawn to it. I read about all the tiny details that show up on the internet. Just the fact that there is something going on that nobody in the world has been able to figure out so far fascinates me. In this age, we're not used to not knowing things. So the fact that someone has outsmarted everyone like that, is just crazy. I'm concerned about that plane as if someone I know was on it. I think about it a lot. And I think about the families who have no closure. I hope this ends well.

 I'm reading Our lady of Alice Bhatti these days. It's an interesting book but I've reserved my opinions for now. Let's wait till i finish the book.

 I want to go to new places, do new things, feel new feelings and meet new people every day. Someone please make that possible. Because I hate monotony. The kind of monotony that stretches over weeks and months and years. You can be busy every day but your life can still be monotonous as ever. I don't want that. Actually I've been quite busy lately. College, and lots of plans with people. But i want something wilder. Deeper. Peaceful.

 It might rain tonight. If it does, I'm going to listen to John Legend's All of Me. It's stuck in my head.

 Okay so it rained. And i went up to the roof. The only one up there i was. And listen to John Legend i did. I'm back in the room now but the balcony's door is open and i can still hear the rain so everything is good. I would like some hot chocolate right now. Something of the sort. Last year when it rained like crazy, i went up to the roof in my T shirt and let the rain drench me and the wind push me around. Today, i just stood in the corner and watched. Am i getting old?

Of rickshaws and rain.

My head's under water but I'm breathing fine. You're crazy and I'm out of my mind.. 

 I'm thinking of changing my template. The colour scheme and all. Might do it tonight. Since i have a huge test coming, spending the night tweaking my template seems like the sensible thing to do.

 Alright, Goodnight.

I think I'm happy.

I'm in my room right now. Yes i got my own personal room at the hostel this year. Even though r2 is living with me for some time, it still feels great. I love the feeling of having a place that is officially, and absolutely, Mine. So yeah, I'm in my room. My red room. That reminds me of my little red room back home. I'm having a cheese sandwich and top pops and juice. Taking a break from this really annoying assignment from college. But i feel good. Because well. I do.

You know what i love about my room? I'll tell you what. Well. My room's balcony faces the servant quarters of the hostel. And i love how noisy it is. It keeps me connected to the outer world. I love how it reminds me of my childhood. And older times. The kids play outside from 7 in the morning till after dark. They play hide and seek and esp the part where they go 1.......2......3......4...5678910! makes me smile. Because we used to do that too. Also they're listening to cricket on the radio right now. And i can hear every thing. It's a pleasant change from all the facebook minute per minute status updates and hashtags. Sometimes they have weddings and the music goes on till 3 in the morning. But i don't mind it. I'm used to it. All the noise.

Yesterday i went to visit N in her uni. While on the way, i don't know why, but for maybe the first time ever, I looked at this city like yeah, this is where i live. Its been more than 3 years, but I've always looked at this place like an outsider who's only here temporarily, even thought i know I've left home for good.But yesterday it was different. Yesterday I could suddenly see this place like i used to see home. The roads and the buildings and the people. This new perspective, it came and went. It stayed if i really put my mind to it. Sort of like an illusion. Anyway.

So yeah i met N. She was busy so it was a short visit. But it was short, and sweet. And the weather was amazing. We had fries and bad grainy ice cream. And we talked. It was good. Then i left.

I think I am happy. (:

Bullets and Rants.

So yeah. I turned 22 yesterday. But more about that later in the post because FIRST, i want to whine. Because I'm annoyed. Why am I annoyed? I'll tell you why.

Well. First. I was sleeping. And then N called and gave me an assignment. Which was due in a few hours. Now the stuff she asked me to do, I suck at it. So i was like. NOOOOOO. But then i ended up doing as much as i could. And that was that.

Second. I have an assessment tomorrow that I don't want to give. I hate it. But I am sort of forced to give it. Which is making me mad.

Third. My s3 restarts itself whenever it wants. And STILL hasn't received the Jelly Bean update! How is that fair?

Fourth. My mom is being stubborn about things. And she doesn't listen to anyone when she's like that. So i don't know what will happen.

Fifth. Disconnection sort of spiked again today. Disconnection and dissatisfaction. Bad combo. Bad.

Sixth. Winter is almost gone. It left me. And broke my heart. Just like that.


Okay.. Now for the good stuff.
Hi. :)

Okay so yesterday was my birthday! YAY. It was a goood day. No big surprises and all that. Which is actually what i wanted this time. Went out for lunch with a few friends. Then a late late dinner with family. And some crazy laughter. :) Good combo. Also, I looked good. And i feel old. But also very young.

Also. I went to the LLF with two of my friends, and it was great. Interesting stuff. Now i need to go buy some books.

Had two very very light weeks at college. What fun.

I passed my professionals. And got more marks that I expected.

Went out a lot. Which made me feel busy. Busy and happy.


Oh i don't know. I still feel stupid. AND on top of that. I had a sick dream. About a weird little kid. Who was about to die. And i was holding it in my hands and it was about to break. It as in the kid. It was a she btw. She was about to die. And then i woke up because my phone rang. And it was N. And you already know that story. So yeah.

Exactly.

Something about friends.

I was having this conversation with a friend some months ago where i asked him to tell me 3 qualities that he couldn't stand in people. Personality traits that he hated. He named a few and i named a few. After i named mine, i realized that almost all of my friends, even the closest ones, possessed one or more of the qualities that i had mentioned. And then i was like. Whaaa wait.What? What does this say about me? Do i deliberately befriend people who tend to piss me off? How did i manage this?
To be honest,  I don't really know.
But then I hung out with a childhood friend today who has the most absurd ideas about life and people, most of which are exactly opposite to mine. We had coffee with our legs crossed on the sofa, complained about our siblings, criticized the cake for being too dry and i tried (-and failed) to give her a plot summary of Game of Thrones, and it made me realize  that maybe that's what friends are. Maybe that one thing (or more) that you connect\ bond over, overshadows every other shitty thing that you might hate about them if they weren't your friend.
So they might annoy you, and you might hate their guts at times, they're still your friends.
And maybe that's what it is about right?

Rainstorms in my head.

The necessary death of Charlie Countryman. What a weird name for a movie. Extra long too i think. But man oh mayen! I loved it. I don't know if it was because i'm a little too emotional right now or maybe because it was in fact as good as i think it was. Evan Rachel Woods. The last time i saw her was when i googled Marilyn Manson back in school. But shes's amazing in this movie. So is Shia Lebouf. He runs a lot in all his movies don't you think? And the music. Loooved it. Perfect movie for tonight.

So i did mention that I'm emotional right? Well that's basically because of two things. Well, actually a number of things but i'll tell you a few. One of them is the fact that I'm going home next week and God knows how homesick i was lately. Then last night mom called and she said the house feels empty and boring and lonely and she misses us. So I decided to screw college, and attendance and all that shit, and go home. To my babies. As in, mom and dad. YAY.

Also. I've been feeling a bit weird lately. I don't know, about life in general. I suppose feeling a little weird is okay but i have been feeling this significant void or restlessness or dissatisfaction or i don't know what to call it. But it's something and it's there. And it's relatively new. So there's that.

Also I have this bad chest infection + flu + stomach issues. And i'm sick of being sick.

I am always ready for a rainstorm. Always.

Haha. s2 has been telling everyone that i'm not well. First she told everyone downstairs. And then she also told me mom. Also s2 is a sneaky shit who reads all my posts. Hi man. Hi. K. Yes i will write about you later sometime. Maybe we should have an interesting (read: retarded) conversation and i could blog about it.

So this other movie that i watched was called Admission. Tina Fey. Watching shit movies with a 37% rating on Rotten tomatoes is a special kind of mood elevating therapy. You should try it.

Umm. Okay bye now.

Also. I mean. I LOVE EVERYBODY WHO COMMENTS. I LOVE YOU. AND I LOVE ALL THE COMMENTS BECAUSE I just love that tiny orange font on my dashboard. And also because it's always a pleasant surprise to find out that people are actually reading this stuff. Makes me feel warm and nice.

Oh also. If any of you knows about an AMAZING song that will change my life, please suggest. Because seriously. There's no good music anymore.

Orange chocolate and towel socks.

After every rainfall, I'm ready to write. Listening to Sweet Child of mine.
She's got eyes of the bluest skies. As if they thought of rain.
Great cover. Great lyrics. Great weather.
And a cup of Joshanda.

I'm reading  Sylvia plath's The bell jar and it has this depressing strong undertone to it. I don't know if it's actually there or I only feel it because I know she later killed herself by putting her head in the oven. Who knows.

At this point in life, I'm doing a lot of things that I always wished I could do when I was younger, and that gives me hope that maybe in a few years, I'll be in a better place and be doing things that I want to right now. Patience. S1 tells me that my time will come,  just like i said it to her a few months ago when she was in a completely different phase. See. Life changes. You can never tell.

I've learned that people always do what they want to do. And there's no real point in getting too involved in anyone's business. Give your opinion/advice when they ask for it and that's that.

I hate it when people insult their existence by having no sense of self and acting in this unfortunate subhuman way. It's painful to watch.

A friend lost a loved one recently and when I hugged her, she burst out crying. I looked at her face and there were actually like six tears coming out of her eyes at once. And I realised that this was grief. And I'll never forget it.

I love movie trivia. Long sharpened pencils. And orange chocolate. 
And towel socks.
Of course.

Conversations.

*While on the phone with N at 3 a.m when she was having a really bad night*

N: I'm not sleepy. I think I'm going to cry after I hang up.
Me: yeah I think so too.
N: I'm so hungry you have no idea.
Me: Go eat something.
N: Yeah I might. Sandwich maybe?
Me: Something heavy that makes you feel all drowsy. Infact, eat a lot.
N: So you're basically encouraging me to binge at this time?
Me: Yup, that, and then cry a bit, but not too much and you'll be ready to fall asleep. Ah. What sucky advice.
N: Haha yeah..But I'd kill you if you said anything else.

Sometimes shit advice is the right advice.

Recap - 1

It's almost mid January. Days have been interesting. There's been some good. And some not so good stuff. Let us start with the good.

The good:

A LOT of hanging out with people. Crazy all nighters, bbq, bonfire, taboo, music, late night ice cream and laughter. Lots of laughter.

Lighter college routine. I only take the important classes. And the rest of the time, I sleep and relax.

I made a Do's and Don'ts list with a friend for the new year, and so far I've been sticking to most of it. YAY me!

Amazing freezing cold winters. Long walks at night with good music. Exhilarating.

I am mooost probably getting my own room at the hostel this year. YEAH!

EVERYBODY loves my blingy shirt. And Sherlock is back.

I'm reading regularly.


The not so good:

College continues to suck. College life, in general is as flat as..what's the flattest thing ever? Well whatever it is. It's probably less flat than my college life. As soon as i wake up, the first thing i think about is how long it'll be till i come back from college. And THAT, my friends, is the unhealthiest thing in my life right now.

I don't have boots. And I'm short on money. And it's only the mid of the month. WTH.

Eating healthy is hard. And impossible. That bit is not going very well.

Have not been able to get over a lot of my fears. And still remain as mentally disconnected with people as ever. *sigh*



Hmm. That is about it i guess. I think i'll be doing more of these lists. They'll help me gain some perspective.
Okay then. My sandwich is here.
Toodles!

Thought.

At times I feel as if life is happening. 

Somewhere out there.
And I'm just.
..here

I also feel like someday
Something very significant will happen
And that's when my life
Will really begin.

I also know that I'm wrong.