Spore.

 I am feeling a bit blue because sometimes life can seem really daunting. Especially at this hour. It's almost midnight. I'm tucked between the two prongs of my pregnancy pillow, the lamp is on, and I've had my green tea. My face is washed, and I have nothing to look forward to but sleep. While I am enjoying this little bubble of Zen, I am also acutely aware of its impermanence. Life is about to change. It's about to get loud, chaotic and full. Maybe in the best of ways. But maybe part of me, the selfish, individual part of me, will miss this, and miss me and this version of my life. Maybe it's not right to call that selfish, it's only normal after all. 

Also, I'm feeling it more because H (friend and colleague) is leaving in a month. She got an opportunity she had been waiting for, and she's leaving for a few years. And while I am really happy for her, and wished this for her, I am also sad. Because soon, I won't have any of my friends in this city. I've been lucky to find the people that I did over the past 2 years, and I had a beautiful, beautiful couple of years. But now it seems like everything is ending, and yes, there are new beginnings, but as I said, life just seems daunting right now. A lot is changing. And I am sad to see people go. I've been in this place before. Friends have moved away, and I have moved away. And I have been okay despite all. So yes, I understand, such is life. But I am allowed some sadness and some nervousness, right? I don't know what life will be like in the next few years. Yes, there's baby, and then eventually everything else. Goals that I have set for myself. Will I be up to the task? Will I make the timing work for me? I don't know. And thinking of everything only makes me want to go slide deeper under my blanket right now, and slow down the clock. I like this little limbo I am in right now. The calm before the storm. The pause before the chaos. I know I should not overthink, but when has that ever stopped me? 

Metamorphosis

 I haven't talked in here about the main event in my life right now but then I was just thinking, who is even reading? And what does it matter, I guess. So, well, I'm having a baby girl soon. Even though I am in an especially foul mood today, I smiled when I wrote that. Isn't it crazy? It is. But anyway, I didn't mention this to write about my feelings regarding it from scratch. There is obviously a lot. But right now, I want to write specifically about how I feel something shift inside me already. I know motherhood is basically a metamorphosis. There is a shedding, a distancing from your old/current self, into someone new. Someone that you now need to become, to do what you're going to do. You know when Venom takes over Eddie when shit needs handling? Not as dark as that, but definitely as palpable, as vivid, as real, as drastic. There is a structural change that has already begun, a molecular rearrangement that I can already sense. Simmering. And I know it will continue, and be bigger and more life-shattering than I can even predict. All that is okay, change happens. This one will just be bigger. But, why do I have a feeling that the new me is going to be braver, and stronger, and a giver of lesser f*cks than ever before? My role in my own life is going to change. But I also feel there will be an abundance of newfound clarity, and to be honest, I welcome it.

Anyway, I do have to say. The primary emotion in the third trimester has been: Rage, amongst other things. I am so angry about so many things, and somehow I really want to prioritize myself and I'm not sure if I have? Or maybe I have, and it doesn't feel enough, and I'm just spoilt. 

There are two kinds of people in the world. One, who don't mind eating the same meal every day. And others, who definitely do mind. I am the latter. Sometimes, I do have phases of eating the same item multiple times in a week, or 3-4 times in a row, but I think that's about it. I need diversity in my life. I like eating different foods. I am not picky, I am very good at thoroughly enjoying and devouring the most ordinary of meals as if it were my last, but I can't eat the same food over and over and over again. Food is one of the things that brings me great joy in life. And I am not about to give it up for ease or convenience.

So currently, my eyes are heavy, and my mind says, go to sleep. But this is deception. I actually cried earlier, hence the heavy eyes. And while I know a good cry can bring about divine sleep, I am trying to push myself, because sleep lately has been kind of poor. And I don't want to fall asleep now and then wake up at 2 am, unable to fall back asleep. I guess that's meant to happen anyway, but I'll still push myself a little bit more.

All this nervous energy inside me. It's because tomorrow I'll find out something important. And how the next few days, rather, weeks go is dependent on that. I hope everything works out beautifully. I don't know what that means, but whatever happens, I hope it's good and brings me peace.

I am not into the Oura ring, btw. It's too much information.

Also, watched a movie called Steve. Cillian Murphy knows how to evoke something in his audience. Something about him is so honest and real. Or at least it comes off that way. He's doing something right. And that face doesn't hurt.