An existential itch.

I read an article the other day that said that writing for 20 minutes every day for good for a person. You can write about anything and it's not important to save it. What's important is that you put something out there and do it for twenty minutes. I think a lot of people, myself included, struggle with consistency. Forming habits is hard. Keeping at it. Requires self discipline. I love self discipline. I am a wild goat. But I would like to be better.

My dad and I ate our breakfast in silence. There was no Tv, and I didn't have my phone. He didn't have his newspaper. We just sat and he munched on his paratha+Egg roll and me on my sandwich. I interrupted the silence occasionally with stories about the dreams I had, and he showed interest. He asked me when my break was ending, and i told him. I reminded him that we are out of coffee, and that I need a paintbrush for my new hobby. When i was done with breakfast, I lingered for a while and then came back to my own room. A while ago, he knocked and entered and asked me what i was doing and I pointed to the paperwork around me. Then he left. I went to his room just now and told him what the maid had decided to cook and he seemed okay with it. I asked him if there was any way we could get coffee now but he said he'd bring it on his way back in the evening so i said alright.

I went to my friend's place today. Another friend joined us there. Her mom served us cold coffee which chocolate ice cream and that made me so happy because just this morning i was thinking about how when we were kids her mom had made us cold coffee and i had loved it. And today after all those years, i had that again. We talked and ate and played table tennis in her basement. I really enjoyed myself and I wish i could've stayed the night but dad said not today, so i said okay. My friend also told me about a really good thing she did today. Went out of her way to help a stranger. I was really impressed that she did that. Made me feel happy about the world.

The weather is finally changing. And like every year, it comes loaded with nostalgia. I love to wake up in the morning and scrunch up the blinds to let the sun in. I wish i did this at 8 am everyday, instead of noon. Dad reached here late last night and mom made some really yummy mutton chops. We devoured them. Me and s2 watched Deep Water Horizon yesterday and I loved how the movie theatre was almost empty. It was just us and two other people. The ticket guy said, go sit wherever you want. That was nice. s2 ran and sat on the recliners and I made her get up because we hadn't paid for those and i didn't want any trouble. I am a scaredy cat like that. I have started walking again. I enjoy it immensely. I like to see old people walk, people walking their dogs, guys playing basketball and such.

I am very much affected by the weather. The wind enters me and physically lifts up my spirit. Whoosh. And the rain settles the sandstorm in my heart. And washes my heart clean. Splat splat. The cold calms me down and turns blood red diamonds to grass green ones. This almost-winter air smells of healing. Every morning I breathe it in, it tells me that every thing will be okay. And I find myself whispering it back.

N's little sister tagged along to drop me back home today and out of nowhere she said
'Hey did you get a cat?'
Me: ...yes I did. (Lie. I dont know why she even asked that)
Her: really? Where is it?
Me: It's at home ofc.
Her: okay what breed is it?
Me: ... Siamese. (N laughed and said 'I'm sure that's the only breed you know of')
Her: okay what's her name?
Me: cabbage.
Her: what? Why would you name a Siamese cabbage?
Me: well because she looks like one.
Then she laughed and said that she missed me.
We reached home and I was waiting for someone to open the gate and i stood there for five minutes and she yelled from the car 'Are you sure you want to go home?' haha. I said yes.

That's all for now.

Retrospect.

Most things, to me, seem better in retrospect. Barring very few things, I almost always look back at life and think 'Ah i miss those days'. 70% of what me and V talk about is all the things we did and all the places we went to when she was here. And now we need new memories. Every thing has to wait though. We're both stuck in situations where all we can do is plough on and bide our time till we eventually get to a place in life where we can do the things we want. We have a rough list of things we want to do. And no, it does not include cliches like skydiving and Eiffel tower selfies.
I was supposed to go to a place this morning to see about a work situation. The person I was interested in talking to wasn't available, and I had to come back. I left my name with them and told them I'd be visiting them again tomorrow. But something about today has confused me. I am not entirely sure if i want to go back tomorrow and join. I don't know what it's going to be like. What if i'm miserable there? What if the people are mean and I don't have work to do? Well, that's the thing. I need to have work to do. Staying at home, and doing nothing will drive me crazy. Has it already?
There's a cafe nearby. It used to be five minutes from my place, but now its right outside where i live, and I am delighted. Me and N went there the other day and I felt at ease. We went there again yesterday and then again today.
I finished my DMT book the other night. I'm glad to be done with it, because that and my increased caffeine intake were giving me some really bizarre dreams.
I am a very optimistic person. Some would say naive or delusional. But i say optimistic. I put abundant amounts of faith in things and people, and life in general. That doesn't mean that I;m unaware of the possibility of everything turning to shit. Because i am..aware. In fact I have a terrible habit of imagining the worst case scenario in every possible situation. I simply like to keep those thoughts at bay. What i mean is that something inside me keeps glowing even when i know everything will turn to shit. Even at my lowest, my very lowest, if you crack my skull open, you'd see black fog yes, but you would also see silver rainbows. Haha, if rainbows were silver they wouldn't be rainbows yes, but. Shiny rainbows, okay. Sparkly ones. Emitting light and radiation and beams of lasers and all bright things. That's what you would see. I don't look or sound like the most optimistic person, but inside, deep inside, that is how i feel. I have immense faith in myself, and in the concept of  'things working out' in general. I don't do a very good job at implementing this thought process in every day situations which i think is the problem. It is the root of all anxiety stress and panic. I'm working on it. I like encouraging people and pushing them and telling them that YES it is possible and NO it is not too late. It is so limiting, to think otherwise. Well some times yes, it is too late, but ok well let's not get in to details. I am also highly cynical and the queen of skepticism. Moving on.
I've finally begun working on the boring robot work Nd has assigned to me and i intend to be done with it in a few days.
I love being in a car and looking out the window. I like to look at boxy little shops that no one else notices. I like to look at people and imagine their stories. At times I try to imagine what their next 20 minutes will look like. I try to imagine what someone was thinking while they were leaving their house. What made them wear what they chose to wear that day. Last night me, s1 and AB (new addition in family, its my sister's finance, say hello everyone) went out for a snack late at night and we decided that we wouldn't talk about work. But we ended up talking about work 90% of the entire time we were out. Towards the end, conversation got more interesting and we talked survival skills that everyone should master which led to a discussion about zombie apocalypse and who would die first. Then i got over excited while discussing the book i just finished reading and does anyone else start to shiver when they talk about something they care about? Well, I do. And then we came back home and that was all.
I do not want to be one of those people who turn 30 or 40 and turn into a goat and look back and say, oh how naive and idealistic i was. I want to stay idealistic.
Cake is the best dessert.

You may know this much.

I woke up late today. I slept well last night. Woke up a number of times to ask s2 to turn the a.c off. Dreamed about moving to another city. Went downstairs. Mom asked me to sit with her and told me about thoughts that didn't let her sleep last night. Had an unhealthy breakfast. Some chicken bakery stuff and a big chunk of cake. With four sips of tea.

It's 2 pm now and mom was supposed to take me with her for some chores but the car is busy elsewhere so I guess we won't be doing that now. I wish I had a personal yoga instructor who would wake me up at 6 am every morning and force me to do yoga.

I'm supposed to take N out for her birthday today. We are going to try sushi. Her friends will surprise her there. I hope everything goes well.

S1just got home from work and she took me by the hand and said she needs to have a discussion with me. Work stuff. Me and my sisters are funny. Our spirits are too wild. Too restless. Me and mom were talking the other day and she let out a deep sigh and said 'ive realised that meri teeno betiyan baaghi hain.' That made me laugh and I said well, isn't that a good thing?

So the surprise went well. We all went to this sushi place and none of us had tried it before and I went with good hopes but ...Ekh. They say it's an acquired taste but I do not want to acquire this taste thankyouverymuch. I am not very social around some people and I always get the feeling that Ns friends don't like me much because I'm quiet and boring but today wasn't that bad. Actually I had a good time. I came home a little late and mom didn't mind and we sat and talked for a bit. Then V asked me if we could talk so she called me up and we talked for over an hour on the phone talking about the time we lived in the New city and how we want to one day work and live in THE city and travel the whole world. Ah. Dreams.

 It is now 3 a.m and I am not sleepy. S2 said lets wake up at 6 am and go for a jog but I don't think we will be doing that. Everyone Is asleep. Its just me now.

It is now 4 a.m.

The kettle is silent.

It's 3:17 am and I can't fall asleep. I'm thinking back to a night exactly two years ago. I remember because it was a significant one. I couldn't fall asleep then either. Amazing how things can be so different and yet exactly the same. I realised something about myself the other day. I don't get used to beautiful things. You know how there is so much misery in the world that when something terrible happens it doesn't affect you as deeply as is did before? Well where beauty is concerned I develop no tolerance. I don't take it for granted. I am as overwhelmed by it as I was the first time. Every time it rains, my heart swells the same amount. Every time my parents make me laugh with their banter I feel immensely grateful and at peace. Every time I look at the sky at night, Im full of awe. Every time I lie down in my bed after a good shower and a good meal I feel like royalty. When people are nice my heart reaches out and hugs them secretly. All the time. And I'm glad for this. I never want to take the good things for granted. This is all we've got. The little things. I am a fan of the little things.

I finally finished a book today that I should've been done with ages ago. It was raining when I woke up so I went downstairs and had a pear and sat in the porch. My maid asked me if I wanted tea and I said yes I do but I need a lot of it. She said what do you mean? I said well, I need it in a mug, and not a tea cup. So she found the biggest mug we have and asked me if that was enough and I said yes and she looked very pleased with herself. So I sat there and finished my book. While it rained. Me and s2 have been going out for walks every night and I enjoy those even though all we do is talk and whine about our careers. We are going for a walk again right now ans I'm going to wear my neon pink boots. Ha.

I have always been skeptical about people who talk about how a certain book made them cry. Everytime some one says 'oh that book made me bawl like a baby' I mentally roll my eyes like ok stop exaggerating already.
                  But then The Book thief happened.
I was aware that its supposed to be a sad book and what not but oh my God those last few pages. Its like the entire book is just preparation for that metaphorical punch in your face/lungs/heart? at the end. I wasn't even too involved in the book. Yet it made me cry , (real tears!) that continued for the next however many pages that were left. So, soo sad.
Anyhow I watched the movie trailer this morning and yuck. It is too different from the movie in my head so I have decided not to watch it.

Today was good. It rained in the afternoon and it rained like nobody's business and the sky went just the appropriate amount of dark and the sun was doing a nice orangy thing and it was beautiful. And there was wind. Cold, gives-you-goosebumps-and-sprays-raindrops-in-your-face kind of wind. So I texted N and we decided that we must eat fat jalebi and samosa or we will die. So she picked me up and we left. I wore my neon shoes again. We had hot samosay complete with the chuttni and all. Burnt my tongue. Then we had chaat. Which was wonderful.Then we had fat JALEBI. It was SO hot and crispy. I got the sticky sweet oil (sheera?) everywhere and now my jeans need to be washed. We asked the kid to get us tea but he said they don't serve tea so we were like we just saw you take tea for those guys and he said that's for us and we said can you please make it for us too and he said ok let me see and two minutes later he came back with lots of jalebi and two cups of chaye and said that chai is on the house. Life was complete then and there but we are monsters and monsters will be monsters so after all the meetha we needed salty again and got some pakoras. We listened to dido, coldplay, and Nusrat fateh Ali Khan on the way home. And talked about my life and hers and psychedelic drugs and Islamic history.

I got a haircut today. Chop chop chop. I feel liberated. And hungry.

The world is transient and so is everything in it. Truly internalizing this fact can be a double edged sword. It can make you want to be and do everything or nothing. It's hard to strike a balance. Are we supposed to strike a balance? Hmm.

Okay.

More string, less pearl.

I'm funny. I'm a fugitive. I'm in hiding. I kind of took a hiatus from work. Without warning. Without planning. Just up and left. And came home. Left a pile of mess that needs to be dealt with but my sanity needed to be dealt with first. I refuse to be a goat. A miserable one at that. A miserable anxious goat. No. No no no. Just...no. So I've come home and im going to let this place heal me. This house, these brick walls, these wooden floors, the porch, this bed... and mom and dad's company. Healmyheartpls? I don't know whether what I did was bold or downright stupid, but i did what i did.

I tend to make frantic little knots out of the thoughts in my mind. It puts quite a bit of strain on my brain.  Knots out of thoughts. Strain on my brain. Look at my rhyming like a pro. Anyway. I need to untie the knots one by one. You know. I was not told that another part of being an adult, was making decisions about things that you do not feel very equipped to make decisions about. There's a ton of risk involved in this premature decision making and you often have to take giant leaps off giant cliffs with blindfolds over your eyes and your hands tied behind your back. You could fall. And break all limbs. And be paralyzed for life. That's not fun. Speaking of, I'm thinking of shifting to black coffee.(No one spoke of coffee i know get over it) I take some milk in my coffee and no sugar. Maybe eliminate milk altogether? My stomach will not be happy about this. But let's see. I love being minimalistic. Minimalist. Whichever. It's 4:40 am and the hour is such that i could write for hours, but my eyes are now beaches full of sand and i must close them. What is the point of coming home if i'm not even going to catch up on sleep? But then. Let's not be animals. Lets not sleep at 5 am just because i can. I say let's, but other than myself, who else am i talking about? *shrugs* I shall write more in the morning. 

Okay so i didn't write more in the morning. This is actually the afternoon after the morning after the day after - okay its one day later. I should probably stay off caffeine for a while, since i believe it's adding to my anxiety. I had redbull yesterday for no reason because my friends were over and there was a can in the fridge and i said hey lets all share a redbull and then i allowed them a sip or two and had it all by myself. That is who i am. It's what i do. Only now my heart won't stop palpitating. It get's annoying.

Last night the weather was pleasant and the moon was silver and the clouds were a nice charcoal grey and the wind was a little chilly, and me and mom brought out a Charpaai and i put my head in my mom's lap, (I do it very often, its my favourite place), and we just talked. Dad was sitting on the side, eating dinner. When the sky looks too beautiful I feel overwhelmed, and I am afraid of feeling overwhelmed for what is one supposed to do with this sudden effervescence of feelings and emotions inside? I don't know how to deal with it. Words are never enough. Thoughts go berserk and there is unrest and chaos. 

I spent the afternoon watching Veep and colouring. s1 stole my colouring book the other day without permission and now a couple of colour pencils are missing. There's a colour in there that I call the 'beautiful green'. There's also a warm yellow and amazing red. An easy orange and a peculiar blue. None of these are lost thankGod. 

Found some space inside the house to cycle a bit and then mom said that she had a feeling that i would crash, but i was fine until i cycled past mom and then i sort of side crashed into the wall, because that's always what happens when i'm being observed. I don't perform well under pressure. And i feel pressure when people are watching. Or when i am in the spotlight. I turn into a lump of dough. It's not pretty. And now my leg hurts and a couple of other places. But i'm fine. 

I want to be in the mountains. For a week or so. With someone I don't have to talk to at all times. My heart is yearning. 

Okay,

That is all for now. 

For those who understand us, enslave something in us.

This year has been the year of change. Sounds cliché. And sounds like a new year's post. But it isn't cuz its only July. No wait it's august..well almost. So yeah, the point is. Change. Things have constantly been in motion and I have not had time to catch up with any of it. Then in the midst of it all I realised that maybe it was pointless to try to catch up, or slow down. I just need to go with the flow. I need to keep running. There's no stopping, no breathing, no pausing. Just moving. There have been small pockets of free time where I have sat still for hours and pondered over my life situation but it has not been pleasant. My body and my mind are too used to motion now and I crave it. I crave slowing down and I crave movement. Simultaneously. Well because if it weren't for this chaos I don't know if I wouldve been able to deal with all the chaos. Graduation happened. Left the hostel. Friends left. Friendships ended. Routines changed, habits changed, ideas changed, mindsets changed and I found my soul two shades paler by the end of it. There was a gradual stripping away of things I counted as essential and the process is painful yet liberating and it's still going on.  Work is also something. It tests me physically mentally and emotionally. Every day. Which i hate and love. I have a vague idea of what I want to do in the future which keeps a part of me at peace. But I am open to what life will throw my way. Could be shitstorm. Could be rainbowfest. Either way. I'm open.  

Every now and then I have stressful days and when I find myself too wound up in small matters that actually deserve none or very little of my precious brainspace, I take a step back, and mentally imagine shedding them off like brown crackly autumn leaves. And it helps. We should be like snakes. We should molt. Yuck. But yeah. 

Ugh. I'm rambling on and on. 

Going to stop. 

Oh but one thing that invariably makes me happy and warm is when mom feeds me food with her own hands. Food tastes better and life seems brighter. 

That's all. 

Let's teach the storm a thing or two.

I took a cab to work yesterday evening, and it was the most soothing 30 minutes of my life (exaggeration alert). The car was air conditioned and smelled of air conditioning and that faint smell of cigarette that lingers after one has smoked in a closed space plus a hint of cologne. I had my coffee in my trug. Okay two things. First. The Trug wasn't mine (trug = travel mug, that's what they're calling them these days lol). It was s1's. She ordered this star wars themed mug online and i like it so i took it, Second, I made myself some coffee and added bits of After Eight thins in it. Worked out well. So yeah. I was sitting in that car and i was having my coffee and i had just showered and i felt ready for my 16 hour shift and it felt nice. Not many things feel nice these days and this little ride to work did and so it had to be written about. Moving on.

The other day I was so exhausted, I could feel it in the marrow. Of my bones. What other kind of marrow is there? And so i dreamed exhausted dreams. I dreamed of skies on fire, and coffee ice cream and strange people.

Remember the time when good movies used to come out? Movies with substance? I used to look forward to watching them. The last movie i fell in love with was Interstellar. Where is all the good stuff? If anyone knows of a lesser known under rated movie that i might have missed out on, DO LET ME KNOW. Because, i spent the last hour trying to look for a movie i would like to see, and everything looked shit. I don't have time for movies and such anyway, so if i do take out time to watch something, i want it to be worth my time thanks.

I miss myself.

I really love it when people have extra packets of goodness in them. I love it when people take out time to help others, with nothing to gain from it. I like the people i work with. Every time someone shares their food or offers to help out when you're too tired, it makes me overjoyed in a quiet way. People being good. That's what keeps the world alive.

Its a sunday again. I look forward to sundays with all my heart, but when it comes it scares me a little because i don't know what to do with myself when im at home. I've been feeling a sinkiness in the heart for a long time now, and not much helps. Watching movies/shows doesn't help. Sleeping doesn't help. Hanging out with people doesn't help. Whining doesn't help. Eating doesn't help. Sleeping doesn't help. Nothing helps. Because these are temporary fixes. And they don't mean shit. I am fine, but there is that sinkiness that is quietly bringing me down and I know that it means something, and i know that something must change. My surroundings are not the problem. Its my heart that needs fixing. Heart, mind, soul. Everything is linked to everything. Remember how jk rowling said that only he who does not desire the philosopher's stone shall get it? That is so relevant to my philosophy of life. Anyhow. I was saying that something needs to change. Except i don't know what and how and when and how and WHAT. And how. I'm a little scared.

I am OD-ing on orange cream biscuits, tea, and gilmore girls on Netflix. I am waiting desperately to feel happy. That silvery liquidy airy feeling yknow? Yes.

Ummm. Look at this rooster stuff toy that Rory has that is in Lorelai's lap right now. I want one. So original.