Tuesday, September 20, 2016


Most things, to me, seem better in retrospect. Barring very few things, I almost always look back at life and think 'Ah i miss those days'. 70% of what me and V talk about is all the things we did and all the places we went to when she was here. And now we need new memories. Every thing has to wait though. We're both stuck in situations where all we can do is plough on and bide our time till we eventually get to a place in life where we can do the things we want. We have a rough list of things we want to do. And no, it does not include cliches like skydiving and Eiffel tower selfies.
I was supposed to go to a place this morning to see about a work situation. The person I was interested in talking to wasn't available, and I had to come back. I left my name with them and told them I'd be visiting them again tomorrow. But something about today has confused me. I am not entirely sure if i want to go back tomorrow and join. I don't know what it's going to be like. What if i'm miserable there? What if the people are mean and I don't have work to do? Well, that's the thing. I need to have work to do. Staying at home, and doing nothing will drive me crazy. Has it already?
There's a cafe nearby. It used to be five minutes from my place, but now its right outside where i live, and I am delighted. Me and N went there the other day and I felt at ease. We went there again yesterday and then again today.
I finished my DMT book the other night. I'm glad to be done with it, because that and my increased caffeine intake were giving me some really bizarre dreams.
I am a very optimistic person. Some would say naive or delusional. But i say optimistic. I put abundant amounts of faith in things and people, and life in general. That doesn't mean that I;m unaware of the possibility of everything turning to shit. Because i am..aware. In fact I have a terrible habit of imagining the worst case scenario in every possible situation. I simply like to keep those thoughts at bay. What i mean is that something inside me keeps glowing even when i know everything will turn to shit. Even at my lowest, my very lowest, if you crack my skull open, you'd see black fog yes, but you would also see silver rainbows. Haha, if rainbows were silver they wouldn't be rainbows yes, but. Shiny rainbows, okay. Sparkly ones. Emitting light and radiation and beams of lasers and all bright things. That's what you would see. I don't look or sound like the most optimistic person, but inside, deep inside, that is how i feel. I have immense faith in myself, and in the concept of  'things working out' in general. I don't do a very good job at implementing this thought process in every day situations which i think is the problem. It is the root of all anxiety stress and panic. I'm working on it. I like encouraging people and pushing them and telling them that YES it is possible and NO it is not too late. It is so limiting, to think otherwise. Well some times yes, it is too late, but ok well let's not get in to details. I am also highly cynical and the queen of skepticism. Moving on.
I've finally begun working on the boring robot work Nd has assigned to me and i intend to be done with it in a few days.
I love being in a car and looking out the window. I like to look at boxy little shops that no one else notices. I like to look at people and imagine their stories. At times I try to imagine what their next 20 minutes will look like. I try to imagine what someone was thinking while they were leaving their house. What made them wear what they chose to wear that day. Last night me, s1 and AB (new addition in family, its my sister's finance, say hello everyone) went out for a snack late at night and we decided that we wouldn't talk about work. But we ended up talking about work 90% of the entire time we were out. Towards the end, conversation got more interesting and we talked survival skills that everyone should master which led to a discussion about zombie apocalypse and who would die first. Then i got over excited while discussing the book i just finished reading and does anyone else start to shiver when they talk about something they care about? Well, I do. And then we came back home and that was all.
I do not want to be one of those people who turn 30 or 40 and turn into a goat and look back and say, oh how naive and idealistic i was. I want to stay idealistic.
Cake is the best dessert.

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