3 am rationalizing.

Its almost 3 a.m. And I'm now in the middle of the third season of The Newsroom, which is too short for my liking. I've come to like this show (never really disliked it so i wonder where i'm coming from) because it was there for me through measles and days when my brain threatened to turn to cabbage out of boredom. Problem is: Im hungry. My stomach is making noises. The other problem is: There's nothing in the kitchen except instant noodles. It would be extremely unhealthy of me to eat noodles right now, i know i know i know, but who in the history of history has ever made a healthy decision at 3 in the morning? Will i be happy if i eat an apple instead? No. Would bread and cheese help? No. I need something soupy and savory. I mean. I plan on starting gym anyway, so a bowl of noodles can't be that bad can it? ALSO. I weighed myself today, (i hardly ever weigh myself, weight it just a number i say) and it was about 7 kgs less than i expected it to be. If i actually weigh as much as the machine says i do, i don't need no gym at all yo. BUT. I don't gym to lose weight, i gym to feel healthy. Now i'm talking as if gym is such a permanent part of my life. Its really not. Its just something that i need to incorporate in my life. Starting tomorrow. So, in celebration of that, i must consume a bowl of carbs, followed by a slice of that nice mildly sweet mithai i found in the fridge. I like it when mithai has pieces of foil on it. Sometimes. Well, this one looks nice with pieces of foil. So. Yeah. Noodles + cute slice of mithai. Done, and done. The decision has been made.
Im going to be asleep by 4 a.m. Funny how i was reading this article about people who wake up at 5 am, and i was tempted yes i was, but then what really happened was this unhealthy business that you just witnessed. How can i wake up at 5 if i am going to be sleeping at 4? But then again. All this will change. Soon. So let's be shit for a while? Funny how i was talking to N about temporary fixes and how i despise the idea of it. I am being so irrelevant and incoherent that I should just stop and go make noodles. I will post this without proof reading it even once, because if i do, i will end up deleting it.
 So.
Deal with it.
Thanks.

A breeze of salt and steel.

I kind of want to go back to the City now. It's not that I don't like this place. Because I do. It's just that I feel that I want to go back. But I also feel that once I am back, I'm still going to feel the same. Wanting to be somewhere else. Even when I'm home.
       Is there a name for this?

I watched Babadook last night. It was a bad movie with a 94% rating on rotten tomatoes. It wasn't scary and I didn't think about it even once before going to bed.

Something slightly traumatic happened to me recently on an early morning that left me shaking. I'm over it now. But when I'm laying down at night, the mind wanders and I find myself thinking about it. And just for a few seconds, I am able to relive it exactly how it was. My heart skips a beat and then everything goes back to normal.


Is it just me or have my words taken a darker hue lately? But words are just words aren't they? Anyhow. I must write more about the good that happens and the good people I meet. Or the normal people I meet or know who do good things that never fail to overwhelm me.
Today a girl I sort of work with. She borrowed a twenty rupee note from me. Later, even though she was running late for her bus, she ran back to give me the twenty back 'just in case you need change for something'. I smiled. I mean. So sweet. It's a small thing but. How sweet.
Also. I was late for dinner one night. And a girl who we are sort of living with. She said 'oh there are no clean dishes for you'. And then she left her food, got up and washed some for me. Seriously. What is this kindness?

The world is getting uglier by the day. Or maybe it has always been this way and ive only just begun to see it. A year or so ago someone talked to me about how dark the world is and how nice it was that i was  still able to see the bright side of things. Only recently though I realised that my optimism then, was in fact not optimism at all, it was ignorance. But things are different now. Or starting to be at least. You know how they say something like, in the midst of winter i found within myself an invincible summer. Now I acknowledge the winter while looking for the summer within. (I must say i really disapprove of this analogy where winter is associated with darkness and negativity. I mean what is up with that? But alright. Whatever gets the point across. ) I still believe that as long as people continue to be beautiful in even the tiniest of ways, there's still hope. There's always hope. And that. Makes my heart warm and toasty.

I have found that I have trouble being in the present. Being in the moment. Being in my body even.

We sat at a dhaba today. In yellow light. Wooden benches. Buttery chicken and roti right out of the tandoor. Azaan happened and it was peaceful for a bit.

The month has come to an end and I've collected a sufficient amount of memories for myself to take back home.
Maybe I will come again.

P.s. I'm realizing that this is a very haphazard post. But so has been life. And life shall show itself through my words.
Thankyou very much.

Acting small.

Somethings are irksome. Like people invading my space. Or people adding unnecessary drama, stress or other nonsense to my life. Or faaltu baatain which are like bad tasting candy floss. It is all one big IRK and it ends up making me grumpy which is not the side of me that I like or am proud of. I'd rather not be grumpy. Id rather be rainbowy and unrealistically positive.


I'm in the New city. For a month. This is my first time here and everything feels alien. Alien with brief flashes of familiarity. Just got off the phone with s1 and she said I don't know how you're doing this. Because I am so exhausted. Every cell of my body hurts. I'm exaggerating. But I am tired. I'm keeping my mind open and hopes up. Let's see how this goes. However it goes, I will make memories here. That's for sure. And maybe it will be enough. Just got off the phone with dad. Told him all about my day. I could hear his heart smile. Whatever good happens to me or whatever good I do, I make sure to tell my parents. They find such joy in it, my sweetbabies.

The word melancholy is so melancholy. Perfectly suited to its meaning. I love this word. Deeper than sadness. And way more poetic. Melancholy.

I want to own two dogs only so that I can name them Vladimir and Wolfgang. Wow.

I've been whiny and grumpy all day. Work is uselessly tiresome. My heels hurt at all times. And it's not the good exhausted either. I love the good exhausted. Give me good exhausted anytime. I love to work or walk or do anything I enjoy till my cells burn out. But this. This unfulfilling exhaustion. I'm not cool with that. I just need to make it work somehow. Make it work for me. And make sure that the two days that i do get off make all this shit worth it.

I had a nightmare again last night. I woke up panting. Which made me wonder. If i wake up from a bad dream because the stimulus is too much and the sleeping brain cannot handle it so it wakes me up. So could it be that the same stimuli if received in a waking state will cause me to lose consciousness because my waking brain can't handle it. Yes? No? Just a thought.

I love how you can see glimpses of people in other people. The tilting of the neck at a certain angle, pursing of one's lips in a distinct manner, a haircut, a side profile, a scent. It's beautiful how bits and pieces sometimes overlap.

At times I'm so awfully quiet. For long stretches of time. And then suddenly im acutely aware of my silence. And I know I have to make a sound. Or say something. And when I do, such a small half hearted voice comes out that I'd rather not have spoken at all. So some times I don't bother. I stay quiet. Who says silence can't be cozy?

Okay time to sleep.

Every day is a bookmark.

I'm sitting on a wall. Wearing my warmest hoodie. And sipping green tea. The wind is cold. Spiked with nostalgia. The kind that leaves you missing a place you haven't even left yet.

One of my favourite things to do is to walk around the city doing touristy things with V. It makes you feel more connected, more alive. I wish I could do it more. Walking around i.e. And that more people would do it with me. They should.

N picked me up today and as we sat at a cafe, cross legged, struggling with a nutella+almond topped bun, I told her how overwhelmed I feel with life these days. There is so much that needs to be done and felt and expressed and absorbed, I don't know where or how to begin. All I know is that I'm stumbling through this bittersweet chaos and eventually things will settle down. But i am restless now and I will be restless then.

Isn't it absolutely wonderful that one of my biggest worries these days is that a number of people are upset with me because I haven't spent enough time with them? It's driving me insane but mostly in a 'thanktheLordforblessingmeso' kind of way.

I'm covered with five layers of dust shed by memories that I spent all day packing into boxes. I will now wash it all off until i smell of seven different cleaning products. Get in bed. Sip green tea. (Which has become such an essential part of my relaxing routine btw). And colour in my new colouring book. Heart is heavy.

I turned 24 recently. My plan was to keep it mellow. I thought, lunch with friends, dinner with family that sort of thing. But turns out, my people are kind of amazing. There was so much more than anything i had expected or planned.
I often wonder what I've done to deserve all this love and comfort that I've now become so used to. I'm not a very expressive person. I'm not quite affectionate either. But I have people doing things for me and spoiling me in ways that overwhelm me. I think some people are tested with hardship. And others are tested with ease. And when there is ease, it must not be taken for granted. One must give back. To keep things balanced. And that is what I shall do.

Alright that is all for now.

Branches of dreams.

I'm sitting under a gazebo with my books. Studying about the urogenital system. It's quite cold. But there's dhoop. And s1 is going on and on and on about her new hair colour.

No one told us that part of growing up would mean that people we knew since childhood would start dying one by one. Your grandparent, someone's father, another celebrity. You grow up and they grow old. Then they die. And life goes on.

Weather widget on my phone says its 3 degrees outside. I'm up early. Me and my badly made cup of coffee. We are up early.  And guess who else is up. People playing cricket in the nearby ground. They're up early. To play cricket. In this cold. I can hear them shout and yell and i love it.

When was the last time I just sat in bed, and spent time on my laptop? It's been a while. And it feels good. I'm sufficiently warm, sufficiently tired, and the sound of rain outside doesn't hurt either. A friend recommended some music. I asked for 'something mellow'. Playing something called Aloha Moon, and sipping green tea. Not bad.

I am increasingly moody. And I have found that anything can stir the heart. Ripples and waves and tsunamis..something or the other will always keep your waves raging. What I yearn for, however, is a deeper, oceanic calm. A certain stillness. That's the goal.

I look at the future and I see an abundance of uncertainty, and fragility. And thunderstorms of the mind. And the heart.

I love the word Ascend. And I have listened to Coldplay more than anything else these past few months. I like to capture memories through writing. Here I am writing about coldplay and vague shit. But when I read this a year from now, I will know exactly what I was doing, what colour my mind was, and how buoyant my heart felt.

Little things can make a great difference. I walked to the ATM today. It was a little late to be out walking on my own, but it oxygenated my brain. And I was grateful for it.

Eventually, we will learn where to draw what lines.

Alright, that is all for now.

Oh and my dad called me Fish after a long time. Aw.

Seasons.

My dreams are back. Raging back. For a while everything was vague and foggy. Not anymore. They are bizarre and they are back. With cancer, wars, prisons and .. Ok that sounds disturbing. But then I have exams so what do you expect.

I'm up early. Willy the rooster is being loud as usual. I went out to the balcony to see what my neighbors were up to. I like to observe their mornings.

A friend is here. My breakfast is ready. Since I'm the lazy hobo type, my breakfast consists of instant noodles, protein bar that friend generously threw at me last night, double tea-bag tea and a half eaten macaroon.

I've noticed that a lot of people, when they want something they take it.  Without much regard for anything else. And here you are thinking about how everything you do or say will make them feel. Pfft.

I need my phone to keep beeping if I'm going to be studying late at night. I need that distraction. It's almost 2 and the world is asleep. My world I.e. my small world of people who I can talk to. They're all asleep. So I'm restless.

Today is one of those mornings. I'm too comfortable in my quilt. The lamp is on. I only have exam prep to look forward to. Which is why I'm still in bed.

Came home last night, on a whim, absolutely desperate for a hot shower. And boy was it rejuvenating. S1 bought all this new shower stationery that I got to pick and choose from. I was over joyed. This was followed by coffee, macaroon and warm pj's. Happy sigh.

My mental climate is very different from what it was a few months ago.

I woke up to the sound of rain. Well slept, head full of dreams.
Got a call from mom asking me to open the gate. They brought boneless fish. I waited in the porch for a while breathing in the rain. They came. We ate and laughed. Now I've made myself a mug of coffee and I'm back in the porch. I've stumbled upon a YouTube playlist that has coffee shop songs.
Oh God. What is one to do in weather like this? It makes me feel like I can jump off a building and not even fall.

December.

Time to shake some dust off this place. 

The year has come to an end, once again.

There's a new years bonfre/bbq at Nd's place, once again. 

But so much has happened. 

And this post is not going to be a summary of that. 

s2 made me realise the strangest thing today. Which is, that nothing bad has ever really happened to me. Nothing major. Yes, obviously I have had my ups and downs. But my timeline has been pretty straight, no crazy curves, no loops, no zigzags. Well some zigzags maybe, but that's about it. Thing is, everyone has to go through it at some point. Everyone must fall. Eventually. And seems like I just begun mine. Fall, i.e. Its an odd feeling. But it will pass. And I will come out stronger. 

This december sort of feels like a cold, misty gray morning. With thandi dhoop you know? There has been much morbidity around me. Reality keeps showing its face and we keep covering our eyes, but for how long? 

Mothers have super powers. They sense things. Today, parents came home and i went to open the gate. Mom hugged me and wouldn't let go. She said we are Locked twins and we will stay like this. Made me laugh. 

I am also in love with my winter walks. They make my day. I love being warm all over. Yet not being able to feel my face. I love how most houses in my locality are decorated with fairy lights. I love that people bring their dogs out for walks. I love the winter sky. I love how Orion stares you in the face. I love it that my face goes red. Especially my nose. Love, love, love.

"We are moving into a time when the image would become more important than the object itself, when appearance would be preferred to reality and it would be ever harder to know the truth" - 

Had to note this down when i first heard it. Don't remember the name of the guy who said it though. 

I think it's quite amazing that at the moment I have absolutely no idea what my life will be like in 6 months time. 

Also, I have no resolutions. I already know the things i want to do, and who i want to be. The decisions i have to make. And its a constant struggle. Which shall continue into the following year. 

Till next time!