Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Acting small.

Somethings are irksome. Like people invading my space. Or people adding unnecessary drama, stress or other nonsense to my life. Or faaltu baatain which are like bad tasting candy floss. It is all one big IRK and it ends up making me grumpy which is not the side of me that I like or am proud of. I'd rather not be grumpy. Id rather be rainbowy and unrealistically positive.

I'm in the New city. For a month. This is my first time here and everything feels alien. Alien with brief flashes of familiarity. Just got off the phone with s1 and she said I don't know how you're doing this. Because I am so exhausted. Every cell of my body hurts. I'm exaggerating. But I am tired. I'm keeping my mind open and hopes up. Let's see how this goes. However it goes, I will make memories here. That's for sure. And maybe it will be enough. Just got off the phone with dad. Told him all about my day. I could hear his heart smile. Whatever good happens to me or whatever good I do, I make sure to tell my parents. They find such joy in it, my sweetbabies.

The word melancholy is so melancholy. Perfectly suited to its meaning. I love this word. Deeper than sadness. And way more poetic. Melancholy.

I want to own two dogs only so that I can name them Vladimir and Wolfgang. Wow.

I've been whiny and grumpy all day. Work is uselessly tiresome. My heels hurt at all times. And it's not the good exhausted either. I love the good exhausted. Give me good exhausted anytime. I love to work or walk or do anything I enjoy till my cells burn out. But this. This unfulfilling exhaustion. I'm not cool with that. I just need to make it work somehow. Make it work for me. And make sure that the two days that i do get off make all this shit worth it.

I had a nightmare again last night. I woke up panting. Which made me wonder. If i wake up from a bad dream because the stimulus is too much and the sleeping brain cannot handle it so it wakes me up. So could it be that the same stimuli if received in a waking state will cause me to lose consciousness because my waking brain can't handle it. Yes? No? Just a thought.

I love how you can see glimpses of people in other people. The tilting of the neck at a certain angle, pursing of one's lips in a distinct manner, a haircut, a side profile, a scent. It's beautiful how bits and pieces sometimes overlap.

At times I'm so awfully quiet. For long stretches of time. And then suddenly im acutely aware of my silence. And I know I have to make a sound. Or say something. And when I do, such a small half hearted voice comes out that I'd rather not have spoken at all. So some times I don't bother. I stay quiet. Who says silence can't be cozy?

Okay time to sleep.

1 comment:

A said...

I love your blog. How does your head produce such thoughts and how are able to put them down so effortlessly? Blog more often. Stay the way you are. So raw!