Freestyle

Is winter even winter if you don't sit by the heater and eat peanuts? 

I feel lonely. Even though s2 was here the past 2.5 days. I'm back to feeling this way. I feel unmotivated. And anxious. I got my cat spayed a few days ago. And boy has it been tough. I think I am not the best candidate for being a cat parent. I worry way too much. People tell me not to obsess but. I obsess. I have tried not to, but I am baseline worried all the time. I don't think I should be a cat parent. Even though I love my cat. There I said it.

Two other things about me, are that I require a certain amount of control over my routine and my time. And when it is involuntarily taken from me, my battery drops so fast - before you know it I'll either explode or implode. Another thing about me is. I don't like to multitask in life. Bas.

I'm weirdly nostalgic about my hostel life right now. I don't recall the last time I felt this way. Somehow  lately, in spite of living alone more or less, having a lot of free time and not many obligations, I continue to feel out of control. As if, I'm trying to keep up and do what needs to be done but constantly falling short. I'm half tempted to start one of those 'living alone diaries' or 'study with me' vlogs. But I hate putting myself out there. Publicly. Inviting people in. I just can't. That's maybe the main reason i haven't switched to insta-blogging. I just like this better. M said some things that resonated with me today. She said I have been so used to having my routine be controlled by external factors that now when most of them have been removed, I don't know what to do with myself. She said I will have to cultivate motivation myself. 

I cooked Achari aloo today. I wanted more praise than got.

Last night I baked some sweet potatoes for the first time. I overcooked them, but they still tasted beautiful. I have realized that i love sweet potatoes. Yum!

These days I'm exploring the pleasures of sitting in the steam room after a swim. The first day, I could barely sit for 5 minutes. Now I think I can sit for 15 mins easy. Its somewhat cathartic. Just passively exfoliating my emotions. 

WHY. WHY is is that just because I have a phone. Anyone can reach me, and then I am obligated to reach back? And give some shit ass excuse to why I didn't answer earlier? Why why why why why. I don't like being so accessible. :(

My cat's had her 10 day follow up at the vet today. To get her stitches removed. And unfortunately, and because the world hates me, the incision has not fully healed. And now I need to apply an ointment to her wound twice a day for 5 more days and continue to limit and monitor her. Kill me. 

I have missed out on all FIFA matches. Will I watch the semi final tonight? Its the semi final is it not? Not sure. 

Watching The White Lotus lately. The soundtrack is the main character of the show. 

I think Im going to change up my blog's look. Its too dark and what not. We'll see.

Bye I'm angry. 

Intermittent.

 You know what I am really craving right now? Going to someone's house for tea. Or dinner. Or lunch. Not a family gathering, no. Those are tedious and have too many aunties. I want to go to a friend's house. A couple of friends just hangin' out. There was a time when this was possible. Not anymore though. Everyone lives here and there. Somewhat like British Asian actor Ahsan Khan. Iykyk.

On the other hand, swimming has been going super. I've had some hiccups. But my freestyle has improved a great deal and I am so proud of myself. No one is interested in my enthusiasm regarding this but i tell everyone nonetheless. A shows interest. I report to him my swimming updates everyday. About how my goggles were bothering me and how I fixed them, and he suggested what I could do to get a better fit. I tell him about the women who come to swim at the same time I do. The old aunty who can't really walk but swims. Their conversations. I tell him how clean the water was on a certain day. How I like it when I can see sunshine in the water halfway through the length, a patch where the sun leaks through the roof. How, when I get the pool all to myself, I break all rules and swim diagonally across it. Sometimes in circles. Sometimes I imagine I'm training for something. For a day when I'll have to swim in the sea. Other times, I'm happy to just build on my relationship with the water. At times I glide so effortlessly through the water, i wonder if it looks as beautiful as it feels. Who knows. At least in my mind it does.

Just finished watching Emily. It's based on Emily Bronte. Now I must begin the process of separating fact from fiction, and google will help. In any case, at times movies that make me feel things. it can be a double edged sword. Because then I too want more adventure. Connection. More connection. More experiences. And more..just. My kind of more. 

V said I don't mention her in my blog. It's weird that I haven't. I guess I used to when we lived together but not anymore. Which is also weird because we do talk every day. Great thing about V is. She asks many questions. She's curious about the weirdest things and it gives one something to talk about. Not that we have ever had an issue finding something to talk about. I hope I can visit soon. Sooner rather than later. Fingers crossed. 

I do also want to mention cricket. I wish i could be poetic af about it. But its too late at night and my head hurts. But. The amount of joy and exhilaration Pakistan cricket has given me and my friends s2 and mr.s2, it was something special. Definitely outstanding. I think I am officially a cricket fan. Now there's Fifa and I'm a little slow to get on the bandwagon. But I'll get there.

I don't know how much more of this limbo I can take. I am also tired of silently dealing with the toll it takes. Some days are hard. And some nights are really hard. But then there are days when I am okay. I hope the ratio shifts to the latter. 

 The melatonin's kicking in. 

Maybe you should talk to someone.

 I just finished reading 'People we meet on vacation'. Light hearted, yet tender with a dash of idealism and cheese. Finished it in 3 days. Exactly what I needed. But now I miss A more and want to travel the world together. We won't be delirious with untapped chemistry and volcanic sparks like the lead characters in the book are. I'd take marriage over that any day. But I also think OD-ing on contemporary romantic fiction is not a very good idea when you're stuck in a long distance relationship. Hmmm.

The past week has been good. s2 and Mr.s2 came over and stayed for three days. It was more fun than I expected it to be. The days flew by. They left today, and the house is silent. I had the laziest day. I ate and I slept and I read on repeat. And its already 10 pm. Feels like 6. 

A maid that we had living with us for the past few years, left today. I cried as she packed up her life from the room next to mine and left. I hid in the washroom so I won't have to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes. I don't know why I had to hide though. Isn't this a normal reaction to someone leaving? To be sad and cry and mourn their absence no matter who they are?

 

So in other news. I got covid. What a weird time to get it. Out of the blue. I'm drinking a disgusting ginger tea to soothe my thorny throat. Binging on Greys' anatomy. Yes I still watch it and I love Meredith Grey, sue me. My new swimsuit is here, I'm so excited. It's so skimpy. Last night I was on video call with A and he was sticking our polaroid photos on his fridge. And I started to cry. Long distance is a bitch. Ouch my stomach hurts.

At night, I am inundated with feelings. The ones that threaten to drown me. Consume me. When the time comes, I fear it will feel like I'm getting married all over again. Leaving my family to go live somewhere else, with another family. Only this time, I can't come back on weekends. I tell myself this will only be for a few years, but for someone who is as bad at goodbyes as I am. That's no consolation. I know we will find a new normal. I know I will visit. And I know life doesn't stay the same and at some point we have to venture out and experience it separately from our families. But it doesn't stop me from feeling these heavy feelings that drown my heart. When it feels like I can't bear it. Daylight, of course makes everything better. Tolerable. But at night, I resent my soft heart. It is not easy to feel so much all the time. So much that you are googling  'How to care less about your cat's feelings' at 6 am in the morning. It's tough, being soft. 

I am so bored. And it has only been two days of me being in my room. I am SO bored. How much tv can a girl watch? I don't have energy to do much else. Showering and eating are pleasurable, yes. But what do i do the rest of the time? Maybe. Maybe I should write write and write some more. Maybe I will do that. Ugh. 

BYE.

Versus.

I'm here in the other city. I'm up on the terrace. Dragged an office chair out and here I am. Sitting in silence. I can smell tea being made somewhere nearby. I can hear women conversing in a language - fuck. A mosquito just bit me. This isn't worth it. I'm going inside. 

 This has been a month of catching up with old friends. Its a joy to know that we are able to talk for hours after not talking for years. After quietly existing in each other's lives with barely a text or two, it is great that our hearts are still warm and toasty and there's no ice to break.

 Can I say that this might be my favourite time of the year? The rolling in of winter. The wrapping up, and drying up and packing away of summer with it's heat and its noise. A stillness slowly settling in. The silence of no fans and no A.Cs. The faint smell of ilaichi on my evening walks. Oh how nostalgic and how wonderful. It's funny that A was born at the start of winter and I was born at the end. Just an observation.

 The other day I listened to a podcast about loneliness and connection. They said loneliness is the disparity between the connections you have and the connections you need. Accurate isn't it? I liked that. 

 Swimming is going better. I'm not in the city these days and I already miss it. At times I start to get frantic with my face in the water, trying to get enough breath in, and to move my legs right and my arms right and my head right. But then I remind myself to let go. To be in the water. Actually BE in the water and not fight it. And before I know it, my body unclenches and relaxes and suddenly I breathe better and then I swim better. Isn't it fascinating how there are lessons in literally everything?

 I have to say. I have said it before but I'll say it again. Making my parents laugh is one of my biggest joys in life. And watching them bicker with each other. What a treat. What a privilege to have grown up around a love like that. A love with laughter and madness. A love that stays.

 One way to describe my relation with A would be that he is the wind beneath my wings. I'm thinking I'll write that on his birthday card next month. So that he knows.

Of no help.

 Something that I really appreciate about my parents is how they let me be in my room. I mean, yes I am an adult and staying here indefinitely, not for too long hopefully. But I'm still their kid. And it's refreshing to be left by myself. It's 2 pm. And i can hear them watch TV downstairs, but they don't care. They don't give a shit about what im up to. How refreshing. It makes me want to spend more time with them. Because I get to choose. Little freedoms can mean a great deal at times.

*

The other day i tripped and fell, while walking. I haven't fallen down in a while. Or had my palm scratched on gravel. It was so nostalgic. Funny isn't it. Anyhow turns out that my feet have betrayed me. I can't seem to continue walking for long hours anymore without it feeling like i have somehow offended the earth itself causing it to attack my toes every step i take. Bummer. BUT. I had my first swim today. After maybe a decade? Or more. Loved feeling the water around my skin. Not on my skin, just around it. What a feeling. 

*

The other night i wrote an entire blog post in my head about all the ways therapy has helped me. Maybe I will write one eventually. Maybe i won't. But the awareness of how far I've come, the work I've done, the persistence with which I have fought for myself, to be myself, is something I am so proud of. Maybe proud is not the right word. Its more like comfort. An assurance. A warm blanket. It is me being on my team. Me coaching me and me cheering for the me who is on the field. That on its own, has been quite the experience and I'm glad for it.

*

Today has been odd. In due consideration of my hormones and shit as fuck mood, the entire day was spent on the bed. Binging on Ted Lasso. A show after my own heart. Eating chocolate and banana bread. Journaling. Napping. Sulking. Frowning constantly. Listening to Brene Brown try to explain emotions. Hiding from guests for 4 hours. And crying a little bit. Its almost midnight and it feels like .. I don't know. 4 pm? or 10 pm? I don't know. I am down in the dumps and i don't even feel like picking myself up. I just don't have the energy. 

*

Things were better today, even though it seemed impossible. Did a lot of sorting and getting things ready for Monday which is an important day for me. I hope all goes well. I went swimming again today. There was a cockroach in my slipper. I felt it on my foot. Prickly. I told A this happened and he said You must've died right there, and i said yeah. I was pretty stunned for a bit. And then I tried to be brave about it. But I am still curling my toes right now, thinking about it. ICK! 

I got to talk to A for longer today. 

*

The funk continues. Despite a great weekend with a quick solo trip outside the city, wholesome reunion with two friends, and a very, very good news. I still feel low. And did not go swimming today either. Watched a hundred videos about proper breathing techniques under water, but did not end up going in said water. Great. I think it's time that i force myself to make some changes. To push myself out of the funk. No one else can or will do it. So. Tomorrow, hopefully. 

Enough paragraphs. Time to hit publish.

Baby, you have no idea.

 At times I wonder.

What did I do? What have I really done, to be loved this way. 

Last night I was re-watching La La land, and there's a line in there that says 'Why do you say 'Romantic' as if it's a bad word?'. And then I found my heart breaking over the beauty of some of the scenes. And i thought to myself. Love, is really all that matters. Or at least, it's one of the big ones isn't it. Or maybe the biggest? I'm also reading a book called All about love. And she too talks about how we just don't talk about Love that often. Maybe we don't know how to. We do make attempts. With our movies and poems and art and books. But have we really figured it out? No, i don't think so. It's ever elusive. It escapes us. Its bigger than us. Describing it, defining it, is containing it and reducing it. It has to be Felt. Lived. Shared. Screamed. Breathed. 

Coming back to me feeling loved. Wanted. Appreciated. It is the greatest privilege of all. When old friends tell you they've always missed you and you're still their go-to person. When a stranger waves at you excitedly every time you run into them. When your cat recognizes your scent even though you don't live with her anymore. When she lets your pet her. When you allow yourself to disintegrate from stress, someone picks you up and brings you ice cream. When you celebrate in the middle of the road. Not alone. Knowing someone. To have been seen. Even missing someone, mourning someone. That's love. The absence of someone is love as well. Wanting to be loved is love as well. It exists even in non existence. Like God. Well. Let's dial back a bit. 

What I mean is. What did I do? To have love surround me this way? Why is it that when I go for a walk, I feel the sky loves me too. The wind, the trees. Why does it feel that it's all for me? Why do I get to bathe in beauty this way? Woe to anything that makes love take a backseat. 

A rush. A glance. A touch. A dance. 

A look in somebody's eyes, to light up the skies

To open the world and send it reeling

A voice that says, I'll be here

And you'll be alright.

Savalanche.

 I have always felt like God has me under His wing. I do complain, and fret and whine and sulk. About mostly everything. But inside, I know He got me. And I got this. I've also always known that I am great company. Lately I've had the privilege of  spending a ton of time by myself and with myself. And it has been a riot. Yesterday for the first time, I went to watch a movie alone. I am so mad at myself for not having done it sooner. I had the absolute best time. Can't wait to go again. 

I've been reading again. Getting in touch with old friends. Haven't made any new ones but that's alright for now. I've been walking. Smiling to myself with a jump in my step as I do so. At times it takes me by surprise how at ease I am, being this way. I think of course, the reason it comes easy is because I am loved. I am alone, but I'm not lonely. I have love around me and love waiting for me and I am waiting for it and looking forward to it as well. It's what keeps me going. 

I am also grateful. Incredibly and incredulously so. Are things too good to be true? Well, I know a curve ball awaits me somewhere in the near future. It will be either this or that. But it will be something or the other. But I guess that's okay. For now, I'm nourished. I'm grateful to have the space and time to pause. To recharge. To play hooky a little bit longer. Things will be dealt with. Curve balls will be hit out of the park or dropped or get my nose broken with. We'll just have to see. 

Till then. Smile! 

Cat hair.

 *fingers crossed* 

This is my sixth attempt to write a blogpost in the past two months. The other five are rotting in the Drafts section. I'll try to write and quickly publish before I can have a second thought.

What prompted me to write however was a feeling of bliss. Slightly melancholic, yet bliss nonetheless. 

Its 10 am and its just me in the house. Living alone can do wonders for your soul. I think I want to do this for longer but these few days are all I have. Anyway, coming back to what prompted me to write. Just a tummy full of yummy breakfast. A steaming cup of tea. The rain is loud and fat outside. Dim lights. Cold room. Chocolate covered almonds. And Only murders in the building. This show has pleasantly surprised me. I'm quite enjoying it. Just heard some thunder. This moment is perfect. Hence, the urge to write. And maybe save.

I've always enjoyed being on my own to be honest. Such liberation. I'm glad that hasn't changed. With time and trouble. There is a reunion of sorts happening inside me. Meeting parts of myself again. The ones I didn't have time for, amidst deadlines and dread. I'm walking again. And practicing yoga whenever I can. I think, maybe, lately everything has been an exercise in some way to meet myself. The old and the new. I love both. Both are me. 

I have this urge to write and write and write. Imperfect words all of them. All my disjointed thoughts. I feel I must describe everything. 

Gratitude comes easy. Peace somehow doesn't. I mean. Sometimes all this emotion. I wish I could dial it down. Just sometimes. Enough so that I don't have to google my cat's feelings and cry over them. Or enough to feel like I do deserve the boundaries i struggle to create. 

My tea is getting cold. I do hope I go outside and spend some time on the porch. Dim lights are nice, but nothing beats daylight. I smile as i type this. Because I had a sticky note next to my bed back when I lived at the hostel. It said 'Nothing beats daylight'. I'm glad some things never change.

Isn't it funny how. Love without action can be quite useless? I have an abundance of love inside me. But imparting it, often exhausts me beyond capacity. If only feeling it were enough. What a world that would be. But i guess. Good things don't come easy. This just reminded me of the Work and energy principle we studied in physics. I just googled it and look what i found :

A person that holds a heavy object does no physical work because the force is not moving the object through a distance. Work, according to the physics definition, is being accomplished while the heavy object is being lifted but not while the object is stationary. 

Well. Well. I guess holding all the love doesn't amount to shit. You gotta keep it moving. That's when the work happens.

Okay I think that's enough for today. Pressing Publish. Yes!

Jigsaw cuddles.

 You tell yourself that everything will eventually work out. Things will fall into place, where they belong. Deep breaths. Pep talks. Muted palpitations. Compartmentalising. Procrastinating? Patience. Think positive. Take it one day at a time. We can do this. It's worth it. Much needed breaks. Paralysing anxiety.  Deadline fatigue. Attempts to focus. Learn. Memorise. Repeat. Sleep. Dreams as deep as sleep itself. Wake up. A barrage of kisses and hugs. Every morning. To do lists. Shit to do. Shit to worry about. Shit to be sad about. Shit to panic about. Shit to cry about. Shit to brush under the rug. Exploding love. Jigsaw cuddles. A quiet understanding. Shared silences. A premature longing. Amidst all of it, you tell yourself. Everything will work out. Everything will eventually fall into place. 

*

Yesterday was a full day. But a good one. We hopped from one government office to another. Stood in long lines, in 47℃, under direct attack from the sun itself. Got a lot of shit done. Had falsa juice and lemonade and top pops. Had a late lunch, early dinner at a place we like. Came home exhausted and binge watched Stranger things till late in the night. Made each other laugh through out. I cried in A's lap for a bit because of course. At one point, i told him i felt a lot of negative energy pent up inside me. When i'm done ranting, more often than not, his answer is either Yoga or Prayer. We often go for walks outside the house followed by Yoga with Adrienne. Makes my heart rest better. Last night i chose prayer. 

*

Lately I feel as if my heart has softened a great deal more. With love. The way you soak a wet cloth and it comes out drenched. Heavier. What has caused it? I don't know. But i feel it. Almost as if i have to take care of it. Guard it and nurture it. I don't know. I don't know. 

*

F*** double standards. 

Don't let the monkey drown.

 I'm having a tough time focusing. I'm having a tough time holding on to a single thought for more than 30 seconds. Ir maybe 5. I blame instagram. I've never been one of those people who go off social media and delete their apps when they decide to study for long periods or be productive in anyway. But now, at 30, (wow im thirty), it has finally started to make sense to me. I need my mind back. Also, I don't appreciate how just because I have a phone and i have whatsapp, I'm somehow available to everyone who has my number. At all times. Why? I think the solution is to just keep my phone away. I still do that from time to time, keep my phone at the other end of the room or not charge it when it has died down. Just for some respite. But unfortunately, before long, my monkey mind prances about, grabs my phone and checks out 20 different pages of online boutiques trying to decide what I want to wear on Eid, to impress aunties i don't even like, saving page after page because what if i might need it later?

Last night, while half asleep, i had this thought..that. This is not me. (keeping up with my theme of describing what is ME on this blog). I'm the girl who wears sneakers and a t shirt and goes happily about her day. Chirpin about. I'm the girl who has one good bag and one good wallet and refuses to hoard more because why should i? I feel i'm still that girl. Who is being held hostage by this IMPOSTER who wants to impulse buy 8/10 of the things instagram tells me i should buy.  How did i turn into this monster? Well granted, my tiny t shirts don't fit me anymore. But still. You get the idea right. I don't need that shit.

Its true i'm not 20 or 25 anymore and my life doesn't look the same. I don't look the same. My wishes and dreams have evolved as have my struggles and strengths. But for some things, I'd like to lean back into parts of me that I might have left behind. This is one of them. Simplicity. It's a core value and I'd like to hold on to it.

When me and A were about to get married, i told him I'm not very 'lady like', and am sort of a clumsy monkey at heart. And he said he wished and hoped that i would stay a monkey even after we got married and i wouldn't let the monkey drown amidst all the shit society throws at me. He probably doesn't even remember this conversation, but i do and so Project Monkey is on from today okay?

Project monkey sounds like a good name for a song i'd write. Now i almost want to write it.

I wanted this post to be about something else. I slept badly last night. I had a dream so elaborate and long, it felt like a Lord of the rings movie. I can't recall it right now but i do remember when i woke up i couldn't believe ALL that was just a dream. It was magnificent is all i'll say. I do impress myself I do.

I plan on having a good day today. I'll do some yoga. I'll study at a good pace. And sleep peacefully. 

Thanks.

Where the light don't shine.

Sitting on my bedroom floor last night,

the room quiet, the lights dim, hands warm, feet cold,

 in a stolen oversized t-shirt saying 'I refuse to sink',

not an ounce of makeup on my skin, hair let loose,

having Rice and Spice from KFC, 

about 50 colour pencils sprawled around me,

trying to pick the right greens and the right reds,

listening to Joe rogan talk about sleep and psychedelics

comfortable in my own company,

I thought to myself..

this is Me!

Just like the rest of what is me. 

And maybe i should write more about what is Me.

Tell my story in my own words. 

When i was a kid, We used to write essays in school

'My self' - it was titled. Beginning of every year we did that.

I said I like fish and chips. With Fanta. 

And badminton was my favourite. And reading books was my hobby.

i was gonna be a doctor. And open a hospital for poor people.

My mom told me to say that. The doctor bit.

I didn't write about how i hated cockroaches, 

and rude people, and scoring less than an A+.

Wow, i digress. 

I was just saying.

Maybe i wanna re-write the essay. 

Re tell the story.

Maybe I will.

Hearts on a t-shirt.

 

I know I've said this before, but i'll say it again. The person i am when i am out for a walk. I think that is who i really am. It's all me. Completely and absolutely. It's me and the trees. Me and the music, the podcasts, the phone calls, the thoughts, the silence. The bats, the birds. The khrch khrch khrch of my shoes on the gravel. The exhilaration. The wind in my face. Biting cold, or pleasantly cool. Even moist and heavy. It's me in my habitat. It's me and the sky.  The moon, the clouds. The smell in the air. It's mine. I really think it's all mine. 

My cat is on heat - AGAIN. I've had enough. Time for some snippety snip. 

Two of my friends gave birth this week. How surreal. 

Life likes to do a funny dance sometimes. I cried in the shower. Shadows of emotions followed me around all day yesterday, doing a dance of their own. At times, i really want to cry out loud about it. Really announce my grief to anyone who will listen. But no. It's a slow fucking mourning. And its taking its sweet time.

On the brighter side, it was s'2 birthday yesterday. It was plenty fun. Me s2 and mom went out for lunch. Girls day out. The weekend before that was also fun. There was laughter and food and stupor and some misadventure. Wholesome. Oh my. And the weekend before that. I turned 30. Yes. That happened. It was sweet. How do i feel about being 30? I feel ready. 

I think if I ever get a chance to give a giant acceptance speech for something amazing that I've done. I will definitely be taking time out to thank my gut. I am an anxious person. Remember that scene in Infinity war, at the end where Dr strange thinks of the gazillion future possibilities in the metaverse all at once? That's me 76 times a day. At least. Haha okay fine maybe not but. I can get like that. Yet every once in a while, my gut gets a feeling about something. It just knows. Like in the movies. And every time Ive leaned in to it, it has served me well. It has allowed me to make decisions not out of fear (a mistake that I've made many times in the past) but despite of it. And I'm so, so grateful for it. For a gut that has IBS, but also a gut that knows. 

Wow, all this talk of gut. I'm hungry.

Also this shade of white nail colour makes me look chic.

A little bit about last year.

Today seems like a day for writing. It rained when I wasn't looking and it's wet and grey outside. I'm wearing my extra warm sweater today. The haggard maroon one. Not letting this one go anytime soon. My coffee finished too fast. Some green tea will do. My green tea is called Morning glory. Or morning glow? One of those. An appropriate hot drink for this cold grey January morning. Well hot coco would've been more appropriate but I made an intention this morning that today was going to be a day of health, self care and productivity. How ambitious. New year new me right? New day, new me more like. 

 Lately, I have been all about gratitude and cherishing and savouring and acknowledging. The good in life. Feeling wholesome, full, warm. Despite the anxiety. Despite doubt, uncertainty, unsent messages, unresolved, unexpressed emotions. Loneliness. Stagnation. Loss. Guilt. Let it take it's place inside you. There's always room for more. For joy, laughter, for quiet evenings and quiet love, dancing with abandon, shower concerts, rambling poetry. For affection. To give. And receive it in abundance. To receive it over and over. There's space for old wounds that bleed fresh every now and then, and there's space for healing. There's space for doing the work and healing yourself and there's space for a little help. In fact all the help you can get. Why not. There's beauty. In feeling whole - with parts missing, broken, hurt. Et al 

 The year for me. Hmm. It was about. Oh it was beautiful. We went to a new years thing the other night (well, on The New years night i.e) and someone asked us what our biggest achievement was for the year. The answer came easy. For me. It was growth. I did some growing up yes i did. I worked, found fulfilment in it. I made friends and i worked hard. And then I quit when leaving wasn't easy. Struggled with self discipline. Worked out. Showed up for myself. Loved feeling my body change even though it wasn't the way I expected it to. Worked out for the joy of it. Wrote poems. Wrote a paper. Managed a household by myself. Made hummus and hot wings and banana bread. A lot of banana bread. Became a mama to a cat. Took time off for mountains and clean air. Got closure handed to me on a plate. I opened myself. I opened boxes inside me that hadn't been looked at in years. Got my hands dirty and sorted that shit out. Some was painful. And gut wrenching. Like when you cry from your chest and your intestines and it just keeps pouring out from God knows where. Your entire body is holding that shit. I don't save that kind of crying for deaths and devastation. It comes to me on a random Wednesday. But I also forgave myself for crying. I asked for love. I asked for safety. And I found it. I let my inner child come out to play. I made effort for change. I kept at it. Particle by particle. Block by block. Mountain by mountain. And I'm happy about where I am. A friend asked me what my new years resolution was. I said. To keep going. And she's like. That's not a resolution. That's something you'll do anyway.

 But it's not something I'll do anyway. It will take all of me. To keep going. To do things I've set out for myself. Even if it's terrifying. Or seems impossible. To not give up. To keep working on myself. To build relationships. To build myself. To keep making mistakes and then fixing them. Forgiving myself. Over and over. To understand my limits and then push them. And not hate myself every time I fail. To choose to live from a place of abundance and courage. Not scarcity and fear. To be one step closer to the person i aspire to be. And to stay kind. Through all of it. Kinder to myself. Kinder to those around me. 

Its hard.

 But it's what I plan on doing. I want to just keep going.