Don't let the monkey drown.

 I'm having a tough time focusing. I'm having a tough time holding on to a single thought for more than 30 seconds. Ir maybe 5. I blame instagram. I've never been one of those people who go off social media and delete their apps when they decide to study for long periods or be productive in anyway. But now, at 30, (wow im thirty), it has finally started to make sense to me. I need my mind back. Also, I don't appreciate how just because I have a phone and i have whatsapp, I'm somehow available to everyone who has my number. At all times. Why? I think the solution is to just keep my phone away. I still do that from time to time, keep my phone at the other end of the room or not charge it when it has died down. Just for some respite. But unfortunately, before long, my monkey mind prances about, grabs my phone and checks out 20 different pages of online boutiques trying to decide what I want to wear on Eid, to impress aunties i don't even like, saving page after page because what if i might need it later?

Last night, while half asleep, i had this thought..that. This is not me. (keeping up with my theme of describing what is ME on this blog). I'm the girl who wears sneakers and a t shirt and goes happily about her day. Chirpin about. I'm the girl who has one good bag and one good wallet and refuses to hoard more because why should i? I feel i'm still that girl. Who is being held hostage by this IMPOSTER who wants to impulse buy 8/10 of the things instagram tells me i should buy.  How did i turn into this monster? Well granted, my tiny t shirts don't fit me anymore. But still. You get the idea right. I don't need that shit.

Its true i'm not 20 or 25 anymore and my life doesn't look the same. I don't look the same. My wishes and dreams have evolved as have my struggles and strengths. But for some things, I'd like to lean back into parts of me that I might have left behind. This is one of them. Simplicity. It's a core value and I'd like to hold on to it.

When me and A were about to get married, i told him I'm not very 'lady like', and am sort of a clumsy monkey at heart. And he said he wished and hoped that i would stay a monkey even after we got married and i wouldn't let the monkey drown amidst all the shit society throws at me. He probably doesn't even remember this conversation, but i do and so Project Monkey is on from today okay?

Project monkey sounds like a good name for a song i'd write. Now i almost want to write it.

I wanted this post to be about something else. I slept badly last night. I had a dream so elaborate and long, it felt like a Lord of the rings movie. I can't recall it right now but i do remember when i woke up i couldn't believe ALL that was just a dream. It was magnificent is all i'll say. I do impress myself I do.

I plan on having a good day today. I'll do some yoga. I'll study at a good pace. And sleep peacefully. 

Thanks.