Rant 4.

What's up with everybody being asleep right now? Its only 2:18 a.m. I've got to stay up to finish this Godforsaken chapter on Reproduction, and it's going and on and on and on and .. you get the point.
Why is everybody asleep? All my stupid people are asleep. S1 is asleep. s2 has conveniently turned her phone off. N is asleep, or almost asleep. And well, who else is there? I don't know. There are other people, but i am not interested in talking to them right now. WHY DO PEOPLE SLEEP AT NIGHT? I hate it. I really do. This whole sleeping thing. I mean. Yuck.
Problem is, I'm having kind of a panic attack right now. I can try and reason myself out of it. But oh i don't know. I don't feel like being too reasonable right now. I want to have a good laugh with someone. And eat good food. Which i can't. Because my khala made me a multi-layered paratha in the evening and my stomach is still not over that. So.
I don't know what to do.

I could ignore everything and watch Dr.who and comfort myself. But that would be very stupid. And very very bad for me in the long run. So i won't do it. But I WANT COMFORT. :(

OmG. I am whiny.
Shit.

I also want to use colour pencils. Freshly sharpened colour pencils. I want to colour. Something.

*Owls.

There are way too many mosquitoes in my room. Why oh why? I just sprayed a ton of mosquito spray in my room, and I think i can almost taste it on my tongue. Yuck. But the mosquitoes still won't die. Immortal little shits.

Went out with N and her boy D today. It was fun. Got myself a new pair of jeans and a nice shirt with an owl on it. Why are owls so in these days? I bought N a shirt too. I don't mind spending money on her. Because I know she wouldn't mind spending on me either. We had pizza and my favourite cookies too.

Okay I don't have anything else to write.


fail.

(New dreams on the dream page. )

Dad 1.

When s2 left for the City, about 4 years ago, it was really hard on me. I cried the entire day. And the next day too. That next day, my parents called me to their room. I was still crying. Dad made me sit next to him, put his arm around me, patted my shoulder, wiped my tears, kissed me on the cheek and told me that everything was going to be alright.

And my dad is not the hugging talkative type. He's really not.

P.s. I titled it as Dad 1 because I have a feeling that there are more to come.

Roads we choose.

I feel stupid, and emo-like. I don't like feeling like that. But then who does?

 Well, actually, some people do. That self pitying miserable mopey lot that has become so used to playing the Victim in life, that they refuse to be anything else. No matter how hard you try to help them. They won't accept it. They'll dig up problem after problem after problem from their self created Landfill of problems and dump it on you one by one, or all at once if they're in a particularly cheerful mood. And, you, the ever empathic friend, will try to help them out, like you should. You will listen to them, talk to them, give them advice, heck you'll even come up with a magic solution , put it on a plate, add a cherry on top, and serve it to them, but no. That still won't do. Because that is not what they want. That is not what they're looking for. Try telling them that you understand. No, they won't have that either. How can you ever understand what I'm going through? Don't tell me you do. You know nothing. Oh then don't come to me if I know nothing. They don't want your advice, or your help, or anything kind of optimistic input from you, what they really want is your stupid pity and your 'oooh you have so many problems, ooh you're so brave to be dealing with all these unsolvable problems, ooooh you're so cool and mysterious, oooh i can't imagine...' well you get the point. And then you have the Enablers, who will say exactly the kind of stuff that encourages this stupidity. I mean, these people, they get a sort of, sense of achievement from this. As if, having more problems, or having a suckier life than you somehow makes them better than you maybe? Or, i don't know, makes them feel like a hero or something inside, subconsciously. I can't really explain it.  Problem is, they just like their black bubble of pessimism. Its cozy. It's comfortable. It's black. And they love it. And no matter what you do or say, that is where they'll stay.

Point is, (yes, there is a point to all of this - i think), I'm not one of those people. I like being happy. I enjoy being at peace with myself.  And that's my natural state of being. My bubble, is light blue. And airy. Like it's supposed to be. I mean, everyone has problems. I do too. Who doesn't? And i have bad days, like everyone else. Black days too. But i get out of it. Because it's ugly, being in that sad miserable state where you don't like anything or anyone. It annoys me. And i don't like staying in it any longer than i have to, no matter how tempting it is to eat like a dog and stay under your blanket forever until all your problems go away. We all do it once in a while, and it's alright, as long as you do intend to get back on your feet again after you've had your vacation from reality.

Anyway, I've been sort of stuck in a weird dull blurry grey phase lately. And it's bothering me. I know why i feel the way i do, and i know what will make it better. But you can't always have what you want, when you want it. There are factors to be considered. So yeah. Stuck. And annoyed. Which, i think was the point of this post originally. Since i couldn't do anything else, I decided to rant about it. And listen to Grace Kelly by Mika. It makes me happy. The weirdest songs can make you happy sometimes.

I think that is all for now.

p.s. The post title is a song I'm listening to right now.

On dreams.

I've been having the weirdest dreams lately. I mean, my dreams are almost always weird, verging on bizarre, but these dreams, the ones I've been having lately are a different kind of weird. They're long. And twisted. And so complicated. And. It's like. My brain picks out all kinds of dormant shit from years ago, stuff i don't even remember, or stuff lying so deep in my sub conscience that i don't even know it's there, mixes it all up, tops it up with some of my latest thoughts and experiences, tosses it upside down once again just for kicks, and presents it to me while I'm sleeping. I mean, it's really something.

Like, the other day, I laughed in my dream again. The next day, i had the shittiest dreams, in the middle of which, i had a flying dream. And flying dreams are always so real and awesome and exhilarating. But it felt so out of place. Because, well, it felt out of place. And then there was the ugly snake dream. It was like one of them huge ass snakes from the Anaconda movie. Idiotic movie btw. But it was like that. Ick.

And last night. Last night was shit. I woke up, and my mind almost felt exhausted. I felt like I'd been dreaming all night. There was an army psychoanalyst and weird experiments and long  discussions that I didn't even understand, and a friend that i haven't spoken to in more than a year, and my old school and whatnot. I tried to write it down but i didn't know where to start and how to put it in words. And all my dreams are like that these days. Random twisted video clips joined together to form an exhaustively long and nonsensical movie.

I'm going to start reading The interpretation of dreams. Let's see what Freud has to say. I love my dreams, but I never think much about what they might mean. Who knows, right? But since I'm so interested in the subject, I'm going to read it anyway.

Ah whatever.

I'm going to go to the terrace for a walk. I am in love with the sky. It's crazy beautiful.

Thinking out loud.

Alright.
Let's see.
I've made mom and dad breakfast. The cleaning lady is here. She'll do the dishes. And she'll clean s1's room. Mom's out of bed. Dad's still home. When he leaves, I'll go downstairs and be around mom and see how she's feeling. s1 will be home soon. I think. Yes. She should be home now actually. Why isn't she? I should text her. Just texted her. Have to go meet Md today. But since s1 is still not home, i don't think she'll be ready by 4. Oh she's here.
Okay so. She's pissed off. Had to wait seventy minutes for the driver. Haha. Anyway. She is so tired. I don't know if she'll be able to get ready by 4 at all. She said she's sleep deprived and what not. I will ask her about the plan in a while. Okay. She asked me to tell mom about the plan. But there's this thing though. Mom's not well.I don't think it's okay to leave her alone at the house while we go out. I just texted this to s1. Let's see what she has to say. I don't think we'll go today. Md will be mad. Because we've already cancelled the plan once. Things always keep coming up. Eh.
I should go donwstairs. Cuz Dad just left i think. I just sneezed. And that's worth mentioning why? I don't know.
So okay. Oh s1 replied. Let's see. Yes she agrees. So we'll go on Monday then. After I come back from the wedding. Ah, the wedding. I so don't want to go. But i have to go. I should go. B has been nice to us. And I should go to her wedding. It's going to be a drag but I'll just have to push through it. I have to pick out clothes for myself today. I know what I'm wearing on the Mehendi. Need to find clothes for the Baraat. I'm sure I'll find something.
Argh. Why did s1 leave her clothes on the sofa like that? I will pick them up.
I will take a shower. Have some coffee, and start studying. And i will watch Prometheus on the side. I'm sure it's not the kind of movie that would require my full attention.
Is there anything else on my mind? Let's see. Hmm.
I just think I study so much better at the hostel. But. Oh well. Gain some, lose some.
I am going downstairs now.

Oh. And I want this cake.