9 good things.

Whenever i decide to write something, whether its in my journal, or here, or in the Notes section of my phone, i tend to write about what's bothering me. Whatever is gnawing at me at the moment. And more often than not, i find myself in a sullen, kind of quite melancholic state afterwards. Which is why, i often avoid writing when some thing is on my mind because i don't want to feel worse. So i'm going to force my self to write about something different today. I shall write 10 things that were good about today. Yes. Let's begin.

1. Had a really hearty time with parents this evening. For a change, I was the one eager to make conversation. I told them stories and made them laugh. I showed dad how i take my inhaler so perfectly and then coughed midway which made dad laugh. Today, i wasn't the one who got up and went to my room. Dad got up and said, okay i'm going to go pray now. And i was happy i spent that time with them.

2. I looked nice in my grey and silver clothes.

3. I stopped for a bit at s2's. We caught up and complained about things to each other and its so funny how we are married and discuss different things and give each other tips and tricks. She said we should be living together. And i agree.

4. Also had a nice chat with s1 right before i broke my fast. I was alone and whiny and she said let's talk and you can whine. And we did. Soul was nourished a little bit more. And tummy too.

5. Had two cups of chai. One after the other.

6. Coming home to shower and changing into my blingy water melon shirt.

7. Listened to something that got me in touch with my spirituality and made me cry. Feels good to know i still feel the same things.

8. Right now, i'm quite excited to go to sleep. I have been feeling sleepy all day, and i am looking forward to finally giving in. And waking up late tomorrow.

9. I did something that i think may be good for my mental health. Here's hoping i don't abandon it a second time.

Alright 9 will have to do. I can't think of anything else. Good effort. Thanks bye. 

Finding agency.

The last few days have been a soup of emotions. I've had two major meltdowns, and a couple of mini ones. Why? Hormones. Life. Maybe both.
So I decided to heal myself. Or at least try. I came home to meet the parents, and well my visit wasn't so much about the parents. But I spent time with s2 and we talked and talked. Validated each other's concerns and had a laughing fit while brushing our teeth. Snorted toothpaste up my nose and felt minty up there for a while. s2 left today. But I decided to stay another day. Things with parents are okay. However, things in my head aren't. I went for a walk. Talked to V. And to my relatively new friend Astha. It was fun. Comforting. To walk in a place so familiar. Actually, now that I think about it, more than this room, more than this house, or the other house I live in, what I would call Home the most is maybe the streets that I walk on, in this housing society I live in. The park, the lanes, surrounded by houses and their tiny lawns. That. My heart turns into butter pudding when I think of my walks. I love my walks, and its a shame, shame! that I don't get to do that anymore. I always need an escape. And journaling, and sleep just doesn't cut it. Treadmill doesn't even come close. I want the ground under my feet, and I want to breathe fresh (relatively) air, and smell this and that. Mostly flowers. Oh man. But well, I got to do that today, and it was good. Really good. And I'm glad.
Im not healed though. Because I don't know what will heal me.
Binge watching Doctor Foster helped a little bit.
On top of everything that is currently contributing to rot my mind, there's also that bit about losing a friend. Just like that. Sometimes I worry that I haven't processed it and that's probably not healthy. Sometimes I wonder if its permanent or just a phase. But then most days I don't wonder about it at all.  I dream about it constantly, because my brain is really cute about subconsciously hanging on to things that I've brushed under the rug. But other than that. There's not much to it. Things just are. And I don't think about it.
Im not thriving.
A lot is great right now in my life, and always has been. Blessed and what not. But I can't say I'm thriving. Not really. And that makes me restless.
I randomly watched an interview of Irfan Khan who passed away yesterday and he said something about finding room to 'exercise your convictions'. And that has stayed with me for some reason.
Im hungry.
But oh God I'm loving this. Weird sense of freedom. Hmm. 

Acid.

Ive thought about writing in here, something, anything, for a while now but i'm at a place where I want to write and i want it badly, but i want to write uninhibitedly, unabashedly, about every thought i have. Every offensive, irrational, shady thought. But i can't. And when i can't do that, it seems like, what's the point? Its an itch i can't scratch. But i recall, i used to have a way of writing about the most mundane things and sneaking in a heavy phrase or two here and there so that only I knew what it meant and the weight it carried.
I am such a restless spirit. I might make a new blog. Okay enough with the intros. For now, the mission is to write. Just write.


Just finished watching Little Women. What a wonderful second half. Saoirse Ronan is a joy to watch. There was especially this one scene. Well there were a number of scenes, but this one scene in particular where she says:

Women. They have minds, and they have souls, as well as just hearts. And they’ve got ambition. And they’ve got talent as well as just beauty. And I’m so sick of people saying that love is just all a woman is fit for. I’m so sick of it. But I’m so lonely!

And then she cries.
And then there was this other quote by George Elliot, but i won't mention it here cuz i can't google it. It was about childhood and innocence, or thats what i'm assuming it was about.

Im not very nice. I mean I'm nice. But not that nice. And often these days, I feel there is no place for the part of me that is not nice. Thoughts i'm not proud of.  Its not about niceness actually. Im talking about all the difficult unpleasant irrational unattractive parts of me. All my angst, and anger and frustrations. My anxiety over the most inane things. My almost fixation over the most inane things. My impatience. My overwhelming sensitivity, and my inability to do anything about it. My heart, my stupid sinking forever heavy heart. Part of it at least. My weakness. My ineptitude. Is that a word? Seems so. Self doubt. Laziness. Indifference. Coldness. My instinct to retract, retreat, relinquish at the slightest resistance. My tendency to delude myself into thinking i'm someone I'm not. My incessant guilt over not acting on things and not doing things that i imagine my ideal self to be doing and saying. That ideal self. That..that idea. That version of me. Its all in my head. And there is such disparity, God there is such disparity between who i am and who(whom?) i identify as. There is. Well. The point is. I feel there is no space for all these parts of me. Anywhere. And I don't know what to do with my thoughts. Whom to reveal them to. People i love and people who love me? But Being vulnerable is hard. It can make you feel very very small. And then you can't take it back. And you've relinquished some control. That you can't take back. That's a feeling i don't like. I have more to say on it, but maybe later. Probably, most surely. Probably.

Hmm. Writing has unexpectedly helped. Don't know how long this will last, but for now it is. Ah, but what i want to do is rant. Really rant. I have been, to some people. But there's always some sort of filter. And that's on me. Partially.
Im just absolutely sick of so many things. What should i do? Really. What should i do? Something has ignited inside me. I can feel it. And i have been feeling the embers for a while now. But now, i can feel a little flame. A proper little flame. And i don't know what to do with it.

I tried therapy. 2 sessions. And then i abandoned that as well.

I think it's going to take a number of posts to calm me down. For now, im going to go ahead and post this one. No spell check. No nothing.

Pie in a horse.

Its a peaceful morning  afternoon. I woke up a little before noon, right when A was leaving for golf. I wanted to say Hi or bye or hello I'm up or goodluck for today, but my body refused to cooperate and i went back to sleep. Woke up again with a boggy head, dry mouth, scratchy throat, and stiff all over. But then last night i decided that today was going to be New day New me, so i freshened up. Took two panadols (extra), had breakfast and chai. I could use some more chai. Watched this netflix documentary called The great hack. Alexander Nix reminds me of Tom hiddleston. Waiting for my frozen mango milkshake to turn liquidy enough for me to sip on. Good for my throat? Maybe not. But yummy. So yes. Kinda feeling zen. The weather is really pleasant, considering its August. So Im sitting next to the windows, curtains undrawn. White light flooding in. I love these windows. They might be my favourite thing about this room. There's a tree right outside, and i love the green. Esp after it rains.
These days I feel SO done, just so done, with negativity. The way it keeps threatening to invade my brain space. I mean. Life is good. I feel good right now. Physically not really, but in general, if you think about it, shit's good. Yes there are problems. I mean. Of course. I need to go back to the gym, I need to learn to communicate instead of imploding catastrophically every other day, and get my life and career in order and spend some time with family which has been a disaster AND stop being broke but, all these issues notwithstanding, LIFE, overall, is good. Because come on. I'm comfortable. I am healthy (currently coughing my intestines out but is ok). I like my room. I have two Netflix accounts none of which i pay for. I am married to someone I love (hehehehe, surprise) and we watch tons of Family Fued together. I love my watch. My friends are still friends. I have this amazing new pen that I love to write with. And the shirt im wearing is crimson in colour which is the best colour and so what more can you want from life yeah? And there is soup downstairs. Im going to drink it hot like lava so it will burn my lungs and they won't cough anymore so life will be perfect.
So you understand how frustrated I get when my mind chooses to focus on the shit instead of the good shit. It's not right. And i hate how EVERYONE insists on doing the same. Adding to the negativity. The stress. Why? Why? why? Why does our culture feed on fear and stress and negativity? They breed it and feed it to themselves and everybody else and I've really had it with everyone. I am a simple person and I find it easy to be happy. But somehow, somehow, i let the toxicty creep in at times. And it makes me miserable for a while. Until i jolt myself out of it. Okay i'm done with this topic.
These days I'm reading this book called What I Know For Sure by Oprah. Its like a warm cup of tea. Thumbs up from me.
I need coffee.
Some things never change.

Just keep swimming.

Life is so shit, that it doesn't even feel real anymore. It doesn't feel real to me. I'm inside someone else's life Like all those people were, in that horrendous John Malkovic movie.
I need to pass days. One day at a time. That is the goal.
Spent some time lying on my back, on the roof. Saw a shooting star. Made me smile. Orionid meteor shower and all.
Now i need to pass the night. 

Look up. Look in.

The room is really quiet. It’s almost May and summer is here so the world is loud and moving. But here, inside my room. The fan is off. The a.c is off. I’m oddly comfortable. I can hear some birds. 

My heart is hammering inside my chest. 90 bpm at least. It’s the tea. Can you believe it? Just the tea. I could fall asleep right now if it weren’t for the heart. Unrestrained. Unleashed. Not really. It rained sometime during the night. I was up till 5. In bed. Unable to fall asleep. Listening to a podcast. Acutely aware of the comforts I take for granted. Im acutely aware now. My egg and cheese sandwich was divine. The tea was good. I smell nice, from last nights shower. I prayed this morning. Everything is so different now. In so many ways, I’ve come so far. I’ve moved on. I’ve moved away. There’s an abundance of uncertainty. Hints of an impending chaos. Yet. An overwhelming sense of ‘everything will be alright’. 

I must go sit with my parents. Then maybe nap a little. The heart has slowed down somewhat. 

Went to the library today with N. Forced myself out of bed. Two cups of coffee, bad tacos, and a a ton of studying later me and her went outside to thaw ourselves in the sun. The AC was killing me. 

We sat on the bench. I almost lied down. Closed my eyes. And we talked. Just about life, nothing major. I love that time of the sky when it starts to turn its late orange into my favourite shade of blue, hesitantly so. I love the quietening down of things. I saved that moment in my head. It was one of the good ones. 

The morning is beautiful. Second day in a row I’ve been up at 7. Sleep experiments and what not. Woke up a number of times. N called at 2:30 in the morning. To say that she was out driving and that it was raining. I made breakfast. Brought it outside. I’m wearing purple nail colour. A nice summery one. Of course it’s not mine. It’s cold. This flimsy shirt ain’t helping. It’s May, I know. But the wind is cold and fresh. And the world is very bright. My heart has been washed clean. I feel happy. Yep. Just..Happy right now. 

Decisions, decisions. I took two days off from my regular routine, just to give myself time to actively think. Reflect, ponder, self analyse, re evaluate and such. I thought in silence. I camped out in s2s room and thought out loud. I texted with N. Called V. Asked s1. Wrote in my journal. Wrote in my phone. Delved real deep. To figure out what I want. And what is right. What is right for me. All to avoid trapping myself in something that I won’t be able to get out of. I am so afraid of that. Feeling trapped. Irreversible shit. There needs to be an Out window. A fire escape. A secret exit. To everything. I need those. But then I can get really abnormal about these things. So I try to not take myself too seriously. 

Ah. I need me a serious dose of wisdom. I wish I had a Gandalf. 

Curious.

I’ve been sleeping poorly. Poorly is an understatement. Last night I got a (medicated) six hour stretch of unbroken sleep and woke up in a daze. A happy daze. Snuggled up with mom on the sofa and annoyed her by throwing week old balloons around. Breakfast was a boiled egg. It’s raining a little bit. Walked to the nearest place to get some coffee. I’m mad about fresh mornings. The coffee machine was broken. They apologised. I smiled and said it was okay. Came back home. Got some home Made coffee, grabbed my book and came up to the terrace. I’m cold. The coffee is so so bitter, just the way I like it. Goes straight to the brain. I’m listening to an instrumental where the guy is using something called a Hangdrum. Very soothing. Perfect reading music. My shoes are blue and grey fluff. Like the sky right now. It’s 3 pm. Feels like 10 am. There’s a new bird around my house. It makes a lot of noise. I just saw it. Looks like any other bird, but I’m not wearing my glasses so I can’t really say. But why does it talk so much? 

It’s raining again. Softly. The drops are fatter now. I’m still cold. Even though I’m wearing my cape shawl. I’ll go inside when my phone dies and the hangdrum stops. 6%.