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Saturday, May 26, 2018

Look up. Look in.

The room is really quiet. It’s almost May and summer is here so the world is loud and moving. But here, inside my room. The fan is off. The a.c is off. I’m oddly comfortable. I can hear some birds. 
My heart is hammering inside my chest. 90 bpm at least. It’s the tea. Can you believe it? Just the tea. I could fall asleep right now if it weren’t for the heart. Unrestrained. Unleashed. Not really. It rained sometime during the night. I was up till 5. In bed. Unable to fall asleep. Listening to a podcast. Acutely aware of the comforts I take for granted. Im acutely aware now. My egg and cheese sandwich was divine. The tea was good. I smell nice, from last nights shower. I prayed this morning. Everything is so different now. In so many ways, I’ve come so far. I’ve moved on. I’ve moved away. There’s an abundance of uncertainty. Hints of an impending chaos. Yet. An overwhelming sense of ‘everything will be alright’. 
I must go sit with my parents. Then maybe nap a little. The heart has slowed down somewhat. 

Went to the library today with N. Forced myself out of bed. Two cups of coffee, bad tacos, and a a ton of studying later me and her went outside to thaw ourselves in the sun. The AC was killing me. 
We sat on the bench. I almost lied down. Closed my eyes. And we talked. Just about life, nothing major. I love that time of the sky when it starts to turn its late orange into my favourite shade of blue, hesitantly so. I love the quietening down of things. I saved that moment in my head. It was one of the good ones. 

The morning is beautiful. Second day in a row I’ve been up at 7. Sleep experiments and what not. Woke up a number of times. N called at 2:30 in the morning. To say that she was out driving and that it was raining. I made breakfast. Brought it outside. I’m wearing purple nail colour. A nice summery one. Of course it’s not mine. It’s cold. This flimsy shirt ain’t helping. It’s May, I know. But the wind is cold and fresh. And the world is very bright. My heart has been washed clean. I feel happy. Yep. Just..Happy right now. 

Decisions, decisions. I took two days off from my regular routine, just to give myself time to actively think. Reflect, ponder, self analyse, re evaluate and such. I thought in silence. I camped out in s2s room and thought out loud. I texted with N. Called V. Asked s1. Wrote in my journal. Wrote in my phone. Delved real deep. To figure out what I want. And what is right. What is right for me. All to avoid trapping myself in something that I won’t be able to get out of. I am so afraid of that. Feeling trapped. Irreversible shit. There needs to be an Out window. A fire escape. A secret exit. To everything. I need those. But then I can get really abnormal about these things. So I try to not take myself too seriously. 

Ah. I need me a serious dose of wisdom. I wish I had a Gandalf. 

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