Let's teach the storm a thing or two.

I took a cab to work yesterday evening, and it was the most soothing 30 minutes of my life (exaggeration alert). The car was air conditioned and smelled of air conditioning and that faint smell of cigarette that lingers after one has smoked in a closed space plus a hint of cologne. I had my coffee in my trug. Okay two things. First. The Trug wasn't mine (trug = travel mug, that's what they're calling them these days lol). It was s1's. She ordered this star wars themed mug online and i like it so i took it, Second, I made myself some coffee and added bits of After Eight thins in it. Worked out well. So yeah. I was sitting in that car and i was having my coffee and i had just showered and i felt ready for my 16 hour shift and it felt nice. Not many things feel nice these days and this little ride to work did and so it had to be written about. Moving on.

The other day I was so exhausted, I could feel it in the marrow. Of my bones. What other kind of marrow is there? And so i dreamed exhausted dreams. I dreamed of skies on fire, and coffee ice cream and strange people.

Remember the time when good movies used to come out? Movies with substance? I used to look forward to watching them. The last movie i fell in love with was Interstellar. Where is all the good stuff? If anyone knows of a lesser known under rated movie that i might have missed out on, DO LET ME KNOW. Because, i spent the last hour trying to look for a movie i would like to see, and everything looked shit. I don't have time for movies and such anyway, so if i do take out time to watch something, i want it to be worth my time thanks.

I miss myself.

I really love it when people have extra packets of goodness in them. I love it when people take out time to help others, with nothing to gain from it. I like the people i work with. Every time someone shares their food or offers to help out when you're too tired, it makes me overjoyed in a quiet way. People being good. That's what keeps the world alive.

Its a sunday again. I look forward to sundays with all my heart, but when it comes it scares me a little because i don't know what to do with myself when im at home. I've been feeling a sinkiness in the heart for a long time now, and not much helps. Watching movies/shows doesn't help. Sleeping doesn't help. Hanging out with people doesn't help. Whining doesn't help. Eating doesn't help. Sleeping doesn't help. Nothing helps. Because these are temporary fixes. And they don't mean shit. I am fine, but there is that sinkiness that is quietly bringing me down and I know that it means something, and i know that something must change. My surroundings are not the problem. Its my heart that needs fixing. Heart, mind, soul. Everything is linked to everything. Remember how jk rowling said that only he who does not desire the philosopher's stone shall get it? That is so relevant to my philosophy of life. Anyhow. I was saying that something needs to change. Except i don't know what and how and when and how and WHAT. And how. I'm a little scared.

I am OD-ing on orange cream biscuits, tea, and gilmore girls on Netflix. I am waiting desperately to feel happy. That silvery liquidy airy feeling yknow? Yes.

Ummm. Look at this rooster stuff toy that Rory has that is in Lorelai's lap right now. I want one. So original.

A guarded enthusiasm.

I have a thing for flimsy grey shirts. And tiny chocolates in fancy wrapping. And plums. I love that they're red and juicy and inviting and I love the mayhem they cause in your mouth if you swallow one whole. I used to be big on movies. Watching them and reading about them and keeping up with what's new. Not anymore. I'm not listening to a lot of music either. Hardly, actually. I did read more this past year or two. A lot more. But now that I'm working, there isn't time for that either. Even when I do get free time it's as if I don't know what to do with myself. I eat or sleep or hangout with N. And that's that.

"We cannot say who has come, perhaps we shall never know, but many signs indicate that the future enters into us in this way in order to transform itself in us long before it happens. And this is why it is so important to be lonely and attentive when one is sad: because the apparently uneventful and stark moment at which our future sets foot in us is so much closer to life than that other noisy and fortuitous point of time at which it happens to us as if from outside."

It's a Sunday and moms coming back today. I told her I'm happy she's coming so that she will make me lassi. It's supposed to cool you down isn't it? Mommy's are miracles.
Anyway today is Sunday and the restless little shit that I am. I made a plan with the sisters to go out for dessert but after that went to shit we decided to make something at home. And then I did all the dishes and now my back is burning from all the pain. There's something wrong with my posture I'm sure. Which is why my back hurts as much as it does.

My momma makes me laugh. She's crazy like that. I get that from her. The crazy. Sometimes she says things and I can do nothing but laugh. It makes me happy.

I need new friends. And new conversations. And new connections.

I always have to write. No matter what. No matter where when how. I write badly in a journal on my phone. I write incoherently. At times it is but half a sentence, a stray thought, nothing more. I write on tissue papers and small notebooks and idle pages. My mind gets full easily and every now and then things get too saturated and then I have to let it out. Time and time again I have written to people the way I write to myself. It doesn't last. Humans have brains and opinions and moods. Unlike good old paper. Complicates things. Anyhow.

Weird how you never know how your day is going to turn out when you wake up. Today was supposed to be a normal day at work and then home. Or maybe a plan with N. But work happened and then someone died and I ended up at a funeral of someone i didn't really know and felt feelings about death that exhausted me in more ways than one.

"Beyond a certain point there really is no place to go, except into your own heart. "

The infinite anguish of free souls.

Parents are in town. House is home. Made ready-to-cook parathas for them at breakfast. Had chai and samosas in the evening. Laughed over failure to count in Urdu. (Shameful, shameful I tell you). Went out to walk with N. Sat on the swings. Talked about social issues. And personal ones. Was too nauseous by dinner but had food anyway because mom ne haath se khilaya.

 Work has been crazy. For the first time this morning I saw dark circles under my eyes. But this keeps me busy and every day I do something new. I do things that I don't like to do or dread even. But I do them anyway. I'm mentally and physically drained, so much so that by the time i'm home i just want to put my feet up in clouds and not feel anything. I wonder every day if it's worth it. All this. Haven't decided yet. The jury's still out. Let's see.

 At any point in life I don't want to be doing anything that makes me feel miserable and trapped. The day I see that I'm getting no returns for giving so much of myself, I think I will walk away.

 I was at a shop today. There was a girl of about 13 maybe with her dad. Her dad asked her what she wanted and she pointed to a Milo and said 'sabz waala juice'. The shopkeeper didn't move. 'chalees ka hai' he said. The girl looked at her father and the father asked her to get something else. 40 was too much.The girl insisted but then gave in. 'Das waali chocolate de dain'.
 It broke my heart. It's such a tiny thing but so sad and so real and not tiny at all. I got the girl a Milo though, don't cry. The father smiled and the girl looked confused.

 I like feeling my ribs.

 Today is Sunday. Have never been so excited for a Sunday. I have no plans. That is the plan. I will try to lift the sticky grey filter off my thoughts today. Let the sun in. Find some realness.


 There's more. But i don't know what to do with it.

Lost in translation and pine cones.

Father and I are going to eat fish for dinner. I roasted some cashews today, then had them with coffee and salt. I didn't roast them. I microwaved them. My mind is going through an information overload (avalanche?) these days. There is too much to read. And watch. More read than watch. And learn. Too many bookmarks on my browser, too many tabs on my phone, too many files on my Adobe, too many books on 'Moonreader', a couple of paper backs and then some.

It seems to me that part of my brain that used to be in charge of social interaction, short circuited and blew itself up some time ago which has left me in an odd predicament where i don't know how to be around people anymore. Or even if i want to be around people. Or do i want to be on my own? Or both? Probably both. But nothing about being around people feels right. Something is broken inside. Not in the emo sense no. Just some kind of focal lesion in the brain i think. Probably so.

Me and N have been spending more time together lately. We went out for a late lunch the other day and the weather was nice. The sky was orange and blue. And there was a breeze. So we sat outside with our paninis and carrot cake and talked about all sorts of things. Elon musk, aliens, losing important friends, career and so on.

I crossed a significant milestone in my life recently, and I don't feel much about it. I have 6.7 billion decisions to make and it takes up a lot of my braintime. I have noticed that whenever my mind is in a clutter, i ultimately turn to pen and paper to sort things out. Haha. I don't mean that in a literary way. (i wish i did) I mean that I usually take a paper, i jot down some gibberish, make some arrows here and there, cross things out, and i do it until I have physically given shape to my thoughts. It's not pretty or artsy. It's gibberish. But it works most of the time.

I sit for long periods of time staring into space and s2 finds it absurd. I'm often quiet, very quiet but then if you sit inside the house all day long, the mind does turn a bit gray.

 I need to stop climbing into people's hearts and feeling their feelings for them. (for the time being).

"But, Wally, don't you see that comfort can be dangerous? I mean, you like to be comfortable and I like to be comfortable too, but comfort can lull you into a dangerous tranquility"

You know that song from Cinderella? A dream is a wish. I love singing it. Humming more like. It's soothes me. Also, I love stripes. I love shirts with stripes and i love bed sheets with stripes. Stripes are nice. I like horizontal stripes more than i like vertical ones. I had steak today. It tasted like Mehendi. I couldn't eat it, and when the manager came by to ask about the food, i really wanted to tell him about my dish but 'your steak tastes like mehendi' didn't seem like a proper thing to say so i stayed quiet.

Okay. Yes. We’re bored now. We’re all bored. But has it ever occurred to you, Wally, that the process which creates this boredom that we see in the world now may very well be a self-perpetuating unconscious form of brainwashing created by a world totalitarian government based on money? And that all of this is much more dangerous, really, than one thinks? And that it’s not just a question of individual survival, Wally, but that somebody who’s bored is asleep? And somebody who’s asleep will not say no?

The quotes are from Dinner with Andre. Don't be so curious now.
Later.

T

So you think you can tell.

All day my phone said 'Thunderstorms' where the weather forecast is supposed to be and i kept thinking my phone has gone cuckoo. Or maybe it was just trying to suck up to me because believe me, 'thunderstorms' is exactly what i like to see in my weather forecast. And i think my phone knows that considering the number of times I've taken screenshots of my homescreen when it said thunderstorms. But turns out, phone is not cuckoo, it was just early. It started to rain around 5 pm and hasn't stopped since. I stayed inside, initially because every time it rains, my body, especially my chest, especially my heart seems to fill up with helium. And a restless kind of helium, an urging kind. It urges me to get up and do something, but there never really is anything to do. I mean, yes. More often than not, when it rains, i go and walk out, i listen to music, i drink coffee with a nice dessert, i make plans with people and so on. Why do i do these things? To gain some sort of satisfaction of doing the weather justice. 'It rained, so this is what i did'. But..it doesn't feel complete. Nothing really gets rid of the helium. The urge. A few months ago, me and N spent the entire day out while it rained. We had a chance to catch up, i looked nice, i had a seafood platter that wasn't half bad, we listened to good music, we had my favourite dessert. We drove around. It was great. But still. Helium. It sort of dies down as the day goes by but not because of something i did. Because whatever i do, it doesn't touch the Helium. No sir.
                                                              Anyway.
So i stayed inside at first while it rained, but then i went out and the smell, oh the smell. I had to be out. So i made some green tea, took a huge umbrella and went out to walk. The light was out and there was no one home. I'm not an umbrella kind of person but i took it anyway, for a change. And it was good. I listened to some music and imagined imaginary situations that are nothing more than imaginations. And then i came inside. The neighbors are having a live music show of some sort. A guy is singing. I hear people making the noise they make in social situations. Is there a name for that? Don't think so. There should be a name for that sound. Of small talk. Glasses clinking. Kids running. An occasional laughter. And so on. So i heard them make this sound while the smell of bbq found its way to me, and i imagined them having a good time. I also imagined them having kashmiri chai. I would kill for kashmiri chai right now. I asked dad to bring bbq on the way back, and he did because he's a cutie at heart. We had that and then i served some yogurt and strawberries which he didn't like but i loved. I accidentally read 'bowtie' as 'bouty'. Heh.

Confusion and discontentment arise from the mistaken belief that we are a noun. Contentment is realized when we stop swimming against the stream and settle into the fact that we are a current in the stream. The current is not other than the stream. It is the movement of the stream.

Read this somewhere the other day and liked it.

I think I will be writing a lot. Brain vomit, psych rant, whatever you want to call it. Except I don't think i will be writing anything of substance. Just spooning the froth off my coffee mug and spilling it out here. Which reminds me, oddly..

That i like the word 'Decant'. It makes me think of the sound a heavy glass makes when its put on a table made of wood. Hmm. The glass is not too heavy.

That is all for now.

3 am rationalizing.

Its almost 3 a.m. And I'm now in the middle of the third season of The Newsroom, which is too short for my liking. I've come to like this show (never really disliked it so i wonder where i'm coming from) because it was there for me through measles and days when my brain threatened to turn to cabbage out of boredom. Problem is: Im hungry. My stomach is making noises. The other problem is: There's nothing in the kitchen except instant noodles. It would be extremely unhealthy of me to eat noodles right now, i know i know i know, but who in the history of history has ever made a healthy decision at 3 in the morning? Will i be happy if i eat an apple instead? No. Would bread and cheese help? No. I need something soupy and savory. I mean. I plan on starting gym anyway, so a bowl of noodles can't be that bad can it? ALSO. I weighed myself today, (i hardly ever weigh myself, weight it just a number i say) and it was about 7 kgs less than i expected it to be. If i actually weigh as much as the machine says i do, i don't need no gym at all yo. BUT. I don't gym to lose weight, i gym to feel healthy. Now i'm talking as if gym is such a permanent part of my life. Its really not. Its just something that i need to incorporate in my life. Starting tomorrow. So, in celebration of that, i must consume a bowl of carbs, followed by a slice of that nice mildly sweet mithai i found in the fridge. I like it when mithai has pieces of foil on it. Sometimes. Well, this one looks nice with pieces of foil. So. Yeah. Noodles + cute slice of mithai. Done, and done. The decision has been made.
Im going to be asleep by 4 a.m. Funny how i was reading this article about people who wake up at 5 am, and i was tempted yes i was, but then what really happened was this unhealthy business that you just witnessed. How can i wake up at 5 if i am going to be sleeping at 4? But then again. All this will change. Soon. So let's be shit for a while? Funny how i was talking to N about temporary fixes and how i despise the idea of it. I am being so irrelevant and incoherent that I should just stop and go make noodles. I will post this without proof reading it even once, because if i do, i will end up deleting it.
 So.
Deal with it.
Thanks.

A breeze of salt and steel.

I kind of want to go back to the City now. It's not that I don't like this place. Because I do. It's just that I feel that I want to go back. But I also feel that once I am back, I'm still going to feel the same. Wanting to be somewhere else. Even when I'm home.
       Is there a name for this?

I watched Babadook last night. It was a bad movie with a 94% rating on rotten tomatoes. It wasn't scary and I didn't think about it even once before going to bed.

Something slightly traumatic happened to me recently on an early morning that left me shaking. I'm over it now. But when I'm laying down at night, the mind wanders and I find myself thinking about it. And just for a few seconds, I am able to relive it exactly how it was. My heart skips a beat and then everything goes back to normal.


Is it just me or have my words taken a darker hue lately? But words are just words aren't they? Anyhow. I must write more about the good that happens and the good people I meet. Or the normal people I meet or know who do good things that never fail to overwhelm me.
Today a girl I sort of work with. She borrowed a twenty rupee note from me. Later, even though she was running late for her bus, she ran back to give me the twenty back 'just in case you need change for something'. I smiled. I mean. So sweet. It's a small thing but. How sweet.
Also. I was late for dinner one night. And a girl who we are sort of living with. She said 'oh there are no clean dishes for you'. And then she left her food, got up and washed some for me. Seriously. What is this kindness?

The world is getting uglier by the day. Or maybe it has always been this way and ive only just begun to see it. A year or so ago someone talked to me about how dark the world is and how nice it was that i was  still able to see the bright side of things. Only recently though I realised that my optimism then, was in fact not optimism at all, it was ignorance. But things are different now. Or starting to be at least. You know how they say something like, in the midst of winter i found within myself an invincible summer. Now I acknowledge the winter while looking for the summer within. (I must say i really disapprove of this analogy where winter is associated with darkness and negativity. I mean what is up with that? But alright. Whatever gets the point across. ) I still believe that as long as people continue to be beautiful in even the tiniest of ways, there's still hope. There's always hope. And that. Makes my heart warm and toasty.

I have found that I have trouble being in the present. Being in the moment. Being in my body even.

We sat at a dhaba today. In yellow light. Wooden benches. Buttery chicken and roti right out of the tandoor. Azaan happened and it was peaceful for a bit.

The month has come to an end and I've collected a sufficient amount of memories for myself to take back home.
Maybe I will come again.

P.s. I'm realizing that this is a very haphazard post. But so has been life. And life shall show itself through my words.
Thankyou very much.