Monday, April 25, 2016

Lost in translation and pine cones.

Father and I are going to eat fish for dinner. I roasted some cashews today, then had them with coffee and salt. I didn't roast them. I microwaved them. My mind is going through an information overload (avalanche?) these days. There is too much to read. And watch. More read than watch. And learn. Too many bookmarks on my browser, too many tabs on my phone, too many files on my Adobe, too many books on 'Moonreader', a couple of paper backs and then some.

It seems to me that part of my brain that used to be in charge of social interaction, short circuited and blew itself up some time ago which has left me in an odd predicament where i don't know how to be around people anymore. Or even if i want to be around people. Or do i want to be on my own? Or both? Probably both. But nothing about being around people feels right. Something is broken inside. Not in the emo sense no. Just some kind of focal lesion in the brain i think. Probably so.

Me and N have been spending more time together lately. We went out for a late lunch the other day and the weather was nice. The sky was orange and blue. And there was a breeze. So we sat outside with our paninis and carrot cake and talked about all sorts of things. Elon musk, aliens, losing important friends, career and so on.

I crossed a significant milestone in my life recently, and I don't feel much about it. I have 6.7 billion decisions to make and it takes up a lot of my braintime. I have noticed that whenever my mind is in a clutter, i ultimately turn to pen and paper to sort things out. Haha. I don't mean that in a literary way. (i wish i did) I mean that I usually take a paper, i jot down some gibberish, make some arrows here and there, cross things out, and i do it until I have physically given shape to my thoughts. It's not pretty or artsy. It's gibberish. But it works most of the time.

I sit for long periods of time staring into space and s2 finds it absurd. I'm often quiet, very quiet but then if you sit inside the house all day long, the mind does turn a bit gray.

 I need to stop climbing into people's hearts and feeling their feelings for them. (for the time being).

"But, Wally, don't you see that comfort can be dangerous? I mean, you like to be comfortable and I like to be comfortable too, but comfort can lull you into a dangerous tranquility"

You know that song from Cinderella? A dream is a wish. I love singing it. Humming more like. It's soothes me. Also, I love stripes. I love shirts with stripes and i love bed sheets with stripes. Stripes are nice. I like horizontal stripes more than i like vertical ones. I had steak today. It tasted like Mehendi. I couldn't eat it, and when the manager came by to ask about the food, i really wanted to tell him about my dish but 'your steak tastes like mehendi' didn't seem like a proper thing to say so i stayed quiet.

Okay. Yes. We’re bored now. We’re all bored. But has it ever occurred to you, Wally, that the process which creates this boredom that we see in the world now may very well be a self-perpetuating unconscious form of brainwashing created by a world totalitarian government based on money? And that all of this is much more dangerous, really, than one thinks? And that it’s not just a question of individual survival, Wally, but that somebody who’s bored is asleep? And somebody who’s asleep will not say no?

The quotes are from Dinner with Andre. Don't be so curious now.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

"It seems to me that part of my brain that used to be in charge of social interaction, short circuited and blew itself up"
Oh, I hear you! I hear you.
Also on 'crossing significant milestones' and not 'feeling much'.
And on 'something being broken inside, but not in an emo sense'.
Well, sometimes it makes me wonder how similar all of us are - in one way or the other.