Half life.

Before sleeping, I think about the cereal ill have for breakfast next morning. With cold milk. Its something I look forward to. It has raisins in it, which surprisingly, i don't mind.

 I am in love with my nephro teacher. And a song. It makes me very happy when somebody is as good at their job as he is.

 Why do we ignore the truth? Or reality. Call it whatever. But most often we know what's right. Which road to take. What path to choose. We know it with such certainty. Yet we ignore it anyway. With such deliberation too. Why is that? Well I think I know why ofc. We are our own slaves that's why. But..yeah.

 I was having chai after my afternoon nap and decided to play one of the four movies I downloaded last night. And in the middle of conversation, s2 said 'what's up with watching movies alone?'. Haha.

 I love cold mornings. When you get out of a warm bed, you're still warm. And you go out for a second. In the cold. Without your sweater, without your socks, in your flimsy half sleeved t shirt. And it wakes you up. Love that. Some people hate cold grey mornings. Not me, no sir.

Dreamed about space travel. And Aurora Borealis. Googled it in the morning to make sure it wasn't something my mind had come up with on its own. In the dream, there was a celestial event that we were going to witness at dawn, but the dream ended before we could. Ah.

A friend texted me yesterday:
'Are you coming to college tomorrow?'
Me: Yeah probably. Why?
'Toffee deni hai'
So at college today, i said where's my toffee? And true to her word, she took out two milk toffees and gave them to me. Haha, how cute.

A cockroach got stuck to my leg yesterday. Cant even..

I love it when someone can make you forget their face. When what is inside, is so shiny it blinds you to what they look like.

Stop.. Wait.. Unhand me.

Something weird has been happening. I am feeling almost exactly what I was feeling last year around this time. An abundance of gratitude. I don't want to jinx this by talking about it in detail but I will say that life has been more than kind to me. And generous. And I've been absorbing all the good that has been coming my way lately so that I am now full to the brim and almost fat with graciousness. Which makes me feel that It is time for me to give back. In some way. Any way. I must do this. To equalize and dilute. To make sense. And to feel light.

>Went grocery shopping with N today. I needed to whine and vent. And we needed to catch up. Update each other on our lives. It has been a while. So I started talking. Between aisles of vegetable and fresh cut meat and cereal boxes and olive oil. I slowly told her what my mind has been up to. Things that have bothered me. Confused me. What i'm working at. What has affected me. Or changed me. Time flew and she didn't even get her turn. I had so much to say. Once I started talking I remembered how easy it is with her. We are so different. At times the exact opposite. But there's something that bridges over all of that. Whatever that is, I'm grateful for it.

Finding homes in humans.

What I want to do. Is to wake up at 7 a.m in a hilly place. Go out and have a cup of chai. Cold wind. Warm tea. Bare feet. That's how I want to start my day. This month is testing me. Mentally. Dad made me help him carry heavy stuff upstairs. Got my knuckle skin peeled off. I feel like a kid all over again. Yesternight, the sky burst open. It showered and it showered some more. And we had no electricity for eight hours. Me and s2 got drenched in the rain. I had to come inside because i started shivering. I feel restless. I went for a walk. Even though it's so humid outside. It helped. But I still feel restless. I feel very strongly about anger. I think it brings out the blackest ugliest part of a person. They say alcohol is haram. Drugs are haram. I wish people here were as mindful of controlling their anger as they are about these things. Just saying. This month I decided to be a little extra good to my parents. Make more effort. So I did. And it made such a difference. I'm happy. My book pipeline works very smoothly. I finish one book. Then I read the next one in the pipeline. And that's how it goes, at a good, normal pace. But the past year has changed things. And now I have tons of books to read and my pipeline is jammed with books trying to make their way to me. I'm reading like three books at once and I need to slow down. I am back in the City. The air smells and feels different. Not looking forward to college tomorrow. But life must go on and shit must be tolerated. I think I'm going to sleep early tonight. What have we done to this world?

Oh and btw. These are bits and pieces that I wrote over a period of one month. Ain't much, just crumbs. 

About 15 minutes before iftar, i went out to the lawn to walk for a bit. Took my chappal off and walked on the grass. Green and soft. The sky was an odd indecisive colour. The wind is a detox. Takes the heaviness out of my thoughts. Then azan happened, so I stared at the sky for a bit, and went inside. 

Hazy.

One should not spend the entire day inside the house. More often than not, it will drive you nuts.
It only makes sense that when your physical self is not functioning as much, your mental self will go into overdrive and think itself into insanity. I'm always afraid of going through this when i come home. It's not that I don't have things to keep busy with. It's just. I need to be physically active for at least some part of the day. Usually, college takes care of that. But i'm on summer break so, there needs to be something else.
My mind feels cluttered. I've been going in circles about certain things in my head. And now i'm sick of it. I'm also sick of looking at screens. My laptop screen. TV screen. Phone screen. Yuck. I don't watch tv, but still. Yuck.
What i'd like to do right now, is to shower, sit outside and let my hair dry in the wind. Except, instead of wind, there are mosquitoes outside who will bite me and disturb my peace.
It's already nine, but it feels like 6. I woke up late. That is the problem. I need to stop waking up late. I'm too old to be doing this shit.

Deep breath.

Alright,
Enough.

A robe of skin and veins.

    I've been meaning to write in here for some time now, but something keeps stopping me. It's not that I don't have anything to write about. Quite the opposite in fact. Maybe that is the reason? Anyway. I asked dad to get me a new pair of glasses. I told him they shouldn't be black. The rest, he could choose for himself. I'm eager to find out what he brings. Also because everything is blurry right now, and I can't see anything. So glasses need to come soon.
I woke up late today, again. Not extremely late, but too late for my liking. Took a shower, had this soupy noodly vegetably broth that mom made for breakfast, and sat with parents for a while. Walked about the house, munched on a cold carrot, and organized my books. Now I'm on my desk. Sipping hot tea. Just finished a mini croissant. I love these mini croissants. Look at me going on and on about food. I love food. What can you do.
I'm actually trying to eat healthier. That's not an easy thing to do when you're home and your mom is freaking out about you losing a little weight. But I'm trying.
Alright, suddenly i feel invincible. Was it the tea? Maybe. Most probably.
I don't know why people are so negative these days. Well maybe they've always been that way. But why? About life, prospects, other people, everything. I wish people would stop saying shit about other people. Tone it down at least. Its so off putting. I also think that we surround ourselves with a lot of shit that blinds us to what's actually real. Our perception of life, is warped. To say the least. We have all these misguided ideas about what we should look like, what gives meaning to life, how our time should be spent, what freedom is, what's normal. We've allowed ourselves to be fed these concepts and everyday we are trying so hard to incorporate them into our lives without really really thinking about what it actually means. Nobody bothers to go deep enough to find out. I want to be more awake.
 s1's laptop wallpaper has this quote on it that says 'May you always do what you are afraid to do'. I'm in love with this. Isn't this the best thing to wish for someone? I think it is.
I'm wearing a lady gaga t shirt. I don't know why it's in my house. Who's is it? Where did it come from? Why am i wearing it? Life's mysterious that way.
I've downloaded a movie called Frequencies. I'm currently watching one called Spirited Away. Home is the only time i get to actually sit down and watch movies. When did life get so busy? Not even busy busy. Just empty busy. I think we all know what empty busy feels like. It's not that great.
Anyway. That's all for now.