Sunday, April 16, 2017

Eat pray war.

Today started out as an impossible day. I was sick and stuck to my bed for two days and because I couldn't miss another day of work, I went. Work was shit until. .   oh God I'm too tired to type. I guess I'll write later.

I feel bad for my mom because work is driving me insane and I can't spend any time with her and she feels that. She makes me a lunch bag every day now because I've been falling sick too often. She makes me coffee and packs biscuits and water and food. There's soup today too. Mmmm. Yesterday i came back from work and slept almost the entire day. Later, I went down, mom fed me food, then I lied on her tummy and she put on a ghazal on her phone and I fell asleep listening to that.

The season is changing. And it sets something in motion. I was up till late last night. The fan was on and the lights were dim and I had just showered and I was in a perfect pink bubble. Pink because I have pink lights   in my room. Two friends called and I talked to each for a bit. The incoming of summer with its brightness and loudness, opens up something. I don't quite know how to explain it but the feeling is there and it's strong. Like a meteor shower of memories. Today is a very pleasant morning. It's purple day at work. I'm wearing the only purple thing I had in my closet. I'm oddly at ease and unease.

Dad is here. Yesterday I was sitting with parents and dad said something to mom and she couldn't hear it, and dad repeated it three times and then me and him started laughing at the same time. And oh God, to hear my dad laugh. My heart turns to honey. Honey and butter. I really, really missed that.

It's 7 a.m and it's a Sunday. No work today thank God yet I'm up. Biological clock and all. So I talked to V for a bit. Read my book for a bit and then I thought breakfast in bed is the only thing missing from my life right now. So I thought let me be a hero and make my dreams come true. And I did. Made myself some breakfast and some tea in pretty cutlery. Now I'm fat and full and still got time to sleep and some sleep in my head, before mom wakes me up for the real breakfast. Vao.

I told V that I don't know how to be loud about my enthusiasm or happiness or grief for that matter. I can't be loud with feelings in general. Bursts of emotion make me uncomfortable. I feel things silently but deeply. Yet I am surrounded by people who want/expect me to be otherwise. My heart is overworked. And tired. Of feeling guilty for feeling not the way I'm supposed to feel. Not nearly enough. Because what use is care, empathy and love when it's tucked deep inside crevices of the heart that no one can see?

I've been playing with babies all day. I made her listen to classical music and she fell asleep. Which reminds me. The plane in my dreams finally flew. I don't know what triggered it or what it means. But it flew for the first time and it flew straight up in the sky and landed in the most beautiful place with a beautiful name which made sense to me in the dream. Thank the Lord.

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