Bullets 12.

- I went down to the cafe this afternoon to grab something to eat before sleeping. I took my novel along and found a spot under the shade to stand in while waiting for my order. I started reading. It was hot. I saw some ants near my feet. The guy at the cafe turned up the volume of a song playing in the background. And suddenly I was in a car with my cousins and sisters, driving on the roads of another city sometime after midnight. We were tired. The happy kind of tired. And just like that I was in two places at once. My heart soared a little, and I smiled.

- I learned something the other day. That it's okay to miss out on things once in a while. You can't always be everywhere all the time and do all the things you want to do. One or two things you will have to let go of. And the world will not end. More will come. Cuz being a hungry dog never helped anyone.

- So im drinking this energy drink that I have been craving for a while now. It tastes like cheap acid. And I feel my stomach burning inside but ah it feels so good. The problem with too much caffeine though is that it makes my neurons fire at increasing rates and not in the direction I want them to. They fire away in all directions like bright little phosphenes. Focus is needed. But this feels good too.

- I miss David Tennant in Doctor who. I miss him so much. The thing I loved best about him was the whole love for humanity in all its imperfection thing. I miss him. My little dolly. And this scene made me cry:

*Jackson Lake : Tell me one thing. All those facts and figures I saw of the Doctor's life, you were never alone. All those bright and shining companions. But not any more?

The Doctor : No.

Jackson Lake : Might I ask why not?

The Doctor : They leave. Because they should or because they find someone else. And some of them, some of them... forget me.

[pause]

The Doctor : I suppose in the end, they break my heart.

Awww.

- It's quite frustrating when you see someone and you see right through them and they're busy doing their thing, their little dance, thinking that they're totally fooling everybody except they're not and you just feel amused but also a little sad and maybe confused too, about how blind they are and how blind they think you are. It's all just a little pathetic. And it makes you look away. It's frustrating.

- It's almost midnight. I want to write and write and note down every thought that comes into my head and write it all down and give words to all this smoke in my head. Aaaaaaa.

- Dreams. My lovely dreams. I like you.

More later.

Bullets 11.

* 'There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others.  My courage always rises with every attempt to intimidate me.' - Elizabeth Bennet.

* I should be studying. I can't focus. I just changed into some really comfy pjs and a super comfy t shirt that is not mine. I think it's going to be my favourite shirt.

* My mom sent me a new bedsheet. Feels home-y. Makes me think of home.

* I don't like my sisters because they don't talk to me 24/7. S1 said that people have other important things to do. But I told her nothing was more important than me. Of course.

* Yesterday was close to perfect. I spent my day in a fully air conditioned room. Had coffee with cinnabon. The coffee was just the way I like it. I watched Harry Potter, and a french movie that had more french than english, and read parts of Pride and Prejudice. Delightful.

* Next time I go home, I'm going to be in our new house. I didn't say goodbye to the old one. It was deliberate. I hate goodbyes. They are messy. So I just left. Without a thought. Told s2 to take lots of pictures before shifting.

* I skyped with my family last night. It felt really good. I feel at peace when everyone is happy and getting along with each other.

* N is a little here and there these days. Don't get to talk to her as much as I would like to. Considering how hungry for social I am nowadays.

* I love my phone too much.

* I want to travel. So bad. Send me a ticket to somewhere someone please.

* I can't memorize these stupid drugs. I keep forgetting them.

* r2 just burst out laughing while drinking water. That has happened twice today.

* I have this black shirt that has a huge peace sign on it.  I want to wear it.

Hmm. Okay bye. More later.

People who try to scare me into doing something,  I feel like murdering them. There and then.

Bullets 10.

- Turns out People were right. I am in fact a Pushover. I am trying to fight it.

- Today really tested my patience. How can fifty thousand things go wrong? And all in one day too?

- I went to this huge shop today full of books and stationery. And for some time, i totally forgot how sleepy or tired of grumpy i was. And that felt good.

- Last night i was so sleepy that I started dreaming before i was properly asleep. I like that kind of exhaustion.

- I am watching a movie that I've watched before and I really shouldn't be wasting my time on that.

- I did end up going out with N the other day to watch a play and also stayed over at her place later. Me, her and her guy D, walked around a lot, watched a movie, sat in silence for more than an hour, window shopped, actually shopped, ate ice cream twice, and walked back to their college all the while talking and whining about all kinds of shit. It was nice, the walking. My heels still hurt.
 
- Survival mode needs to be turned on. There's no other way.

- This girl in my class. She's sort of a friend of a friend. I sat next to her today. She often talks to me about books. And today, she told me that she thinks that i should try writing. Properly. And I'm like. Well I can't. And a little while after I was done explaining to her why i couldn't, she told me that she has this really weird keychain that is very Me, and that she was going to bring it for me.
This amused me. People are so random.

- I want to read Steve Job's biography.

- I have come to realize that I really love Gol gappay. I welcome gol gappay anytime anyday.

- My college is getting on my nerves. And I have been over compensating.

- I feel the need to keep moving. Stillness breeds depression.

- I love intelligent people. Love.

- Need to fix my moral compass amidst other things.

- I don't understand why people quote Marilyn Monroe so much.

Stupid plans.

I was really looking forward to this Sunday. So here is what was supposed to happen.

I was supposed to wake up late, have a good breakfast, watch a stupid Summer-afternoon movie, and then get ready to go out with N, watch this play that we were supposed to watch, go back to her place, have coffee, talk talk talk, eat a lot of junk, and complete watching Django Unchained. And then she was supposed to drop me to college the next morning.

Here is what really happened:

I woke up crying. Because of this emotionally draining nightmare that I had about the death of someone i'm close to. I mean, I couldn't breathe. Really. Anyway after i was done crying, I cleaned the entire room with r2, and rearranged some furniture which is something i hate doing.Then I went out in the sun to grab breakfast. Decided to watch a nice stupid summer-afternoon movie, halfway through which N texted me to cancel our plans for the day. I mean. WHAT? I was super bummed. Texted my sisters who didn't reply, which made me want to kill everyone. So i went to sleep. Slept a lot. Woke up feeling hot. So i drank some super cold juice that was way too sweet but i mixed it with water which made it okay. This cooled me down. Now i'm hungry and have nothing to do. And so, this sucks.

Bye.

Motion blur.

I am but a floating hippie at heart who has forgotten which clock works and which doesn't. 

And life is only my blurry snapshot.