Agency.

Gave in my one month's notice at work the other day. And the countdown has begun. Excitement. Dread. There are things i am looking forward to. Working out, sleep, preparing for another exam, structure, spending more time with family, reading, mindful activities. And then there are other things. Not earning, being available, struggling with self discipline. Missing the circle of friends/almost friends that i've made at work. Its hard to keep in touch when you're not seeing each other everyday, and not in the grind together. Work has also been an escape. A necessary escape? But it has served its purpose and i must make some sacrifices now, if i want to move forward in life. I'm going to miss it. I'm going to miss hating it. But life goes on.

My dreams are intense these days. Its the sleep deprivation and the wonky routine. I've been dreaming of oceans. Being afraid and intimidated each time. Of the deep dark void. Don't know what's triggering it. Or maybe the Ocean is my future and that's what i am afraid of. 

I am struggling to find my voice. To own the space i occupy. To not be apologetic for my feelings, however many, however overwhelming - Oh wait. Is the ocean my feelings? Is that what i'm afraid of? My OCEAN like feelings? Hmmm. Not sure. Possible. My feelings. God. I've spent my whole life trying to find a home for my feelings. Have i found one yet? I don't know. I've found rooms however. And nooks. And corners. And yet there's a vast OCEAN, in my heart, that has no place to go. My ocean needs a home. Wow. Either this is all bullshit or maybe i am really making sense. Probably both.

There was a thunderstorm the other night, a beautiful one and there was me, half of me, misplaced, fixated on a dream that wasn't heard. 

It's not normal to be around so much death, all the time. People you know, people close to people you love. I found myself unable to sleep over someone who died whom i had only met 3 times. But i guess that's what this pandemic is doing to us. Insidious. Changing our lives in ways big and small. 

I have started a Paint by numbers thing. And while i do that, i often watch this pakistani drama that is my guilty pleasure these days. But say what you want. There's something about the main character that i quite appreciate. A personal struggle with love. Receiving and giving, both. 

Hmmm. More later. 

Hello, inner child.

 Tomorrow is Valentine's day and also a Sunday and I will be on call. Wow. Yay me.

I tried to make time turn slow today, but it didn't listen to me and ran fast. And now its after 10 already and on days that i'm tired or before really long exhausting challenging days, i like to be in bed by 10. But i am not. I'm watching Valentine's day. The movie. Watched Malcolm and Marie before that. Hmmm. Hmmm. I didn't hate it. I didn't love it either. I appreciate the effort. I enjoyed it. Zendaya and her little onesie type thing that she wore half the movie. Damn, i've been sneezing since yesterday morning. What was the Weeknds superbowl performance. It was lazy. I expected so much more. I love the Weeknd. But what the hell man. Lazy. 

Yesterday morning. It was hard to wake up. I snoozed for 50 minutes in bed before grumpily complaining to A about how impossible it was to wake up. But then he stroked my back for a while, and hugged me and told me he was going to make coffee for me. He ironed by clothes while i showered and hurried to leave on time. And while i was in the car, i thought to myself..hmmm. This isn't so bad. Having someone to wake up next to. Being held and hugged early in the morning making you feel a little less disgusted with the 9 hours of work ahead of you. It's nice. And comforting. A tonic, for my morning anxiety. 

I think, more important than anything in a relationship, any kind of relationship, is the feeling of safety. I think, for me, this is it. Every other thing and feeling ties in to this. The people i am closest to, or was ever closest to, made me feel Safe. I don't even know how to exactly explain what i mean when i say Safe, but in my heart i know it. I know exactly what i mean. And what that feeling is. And its either there or it isn't. Hmm. Okay, there's a ton more to explore here, which i think i will do on my own time. But i mentioned this here for a reason. Because its been on my mind. And that's all for now.

Winter is at its end. The days are hot and the nights are a relief. But it has started to smell of summer. Spring maybe. But things are already coming alive. Not a fan of summer sorry. I love how cold and metal like winter is and dark and cosy, so cosy. And chocolate. Summer is just loud. And alive. Which many might love, but doesn't resonate with me. Winter resonates with me. We vibe. 

Alright. I have lost my trains of thought. Yes. Trains. Multiple.

A wants us to make french toast right now. Some james oliver recipe he saw online. Oh man when will i have a day where i will sleep and sleep and sleep in the bed all day. WHEN? 

I got a haircut today. 

I am wearing a Led zeppelin shirt and listening to taylor swift. The best thing about today's walk is that I'm not thinking about much. I'm listening to some music and I'm taking in the beauty of this cold December night. There are so many trees here. My face is cold but I'm warm all over. My legs hurt but it's the good kind of hurt. I'm wearing gloves too. They look brand new but they must be a decade old. 

I'm now home and In bed. Something funny happened earlier. I was on my way home from work in a cab and I randomly opened posts of mine from 2012 and damn. So much is so exactly the same. I think. That. The stuff I write about hasn't changed much. The stuff I don't write about has changed a lot. So maybe what I've always written in here is the filtered trickled down stuff. The messy bit is lost somewhere in real time. Hmmm. But that's not so bad either. 

Work was good today. I took a two hour nap in between. Isn't that the best? Isn't that the dream? Napping at work. I was so groggy when I got back to my station. So okay here's a confession. I love my work. I whine about it all the time but really I love being there. I love the people I work with. I like how I've improved with time. How I've fought through anxiety and panic and settled into a nice comfortably stretch. At least that's good isn't it? Yesterday I had a good conversation with one of my favorite seniors about work-life balance and following ones passion. We both agreed on how being in medicine can be a very gratifyign vocation. It drives you mad yes and you're never not exhausted but then. There are those moments. When you know you've helped someone. When you've done a good job. Maybe even over exerted yourself to make someone else feel better. Those moments make it all worth it. Sounds cliche but its true. And I'm grateful that I have those moments very often. They give everything meaning. 

I have work tomorrow. On a Sunday which will continue till Monday evening. Ugh. I hope it goes well. I just got back from a walk in dense dense fog. Couldn't see anything. Felt like I was walking in a cloud. Took that in. Inhaled the grey white nothingness. I feel good. It's 9 pm. The anxiety octopus is trying to squiggle it's dangly arms in my brain trying to latch on to any stray thought. I'm trying to keep it at bay. Damn damn. The smell of biryani is driving me crazy. The window is slightly ajar. My feet are almost inside the heater and this beautiful biryani scent. Damn. 

I'm going to have dinner now. 

Why are american action movies obsessed with Plutonium? 

Will I do a new years post as well? Hmmm. 

Save your tears for another day.

 Its 8 pm on a sunday. Im home. A has gone to meet a friend. I would call my sister/s over but i'm in a fight with them. I checked with two of my work friends but that didn't work out either. I've already called mom once today. If i call her more than that, she's going to think something is wrong and i don't want that. 

I'm usually quite okay, and even happy being alone. Having this time to myself. But something is off today. It's making me feel lonely. 

Something very different happened the other night. A calls it a breakthrough. It was. Some thing inside me snapped and i broke down. Broke free rather - now that i think about it. But amidst the breaking, and the sobbing and feeling like my eyes were balloons on fire, there was him. Wiping my tears, holding my hands. Letting me break. Collecting the pieces and putting them back over and over. Putting them back better. For every  'i feel mad' and 'there's something wrong with me', there was 'i've got you', 'i've got you', 'i've got you'. I woke up feeling different. Warmer. A little more complete. Soul a little unclenched. 

I just started watching Parfum. On netflix. Ugh. Why did i choose this? Why are sperm whales called sperm whales? Okay i just googled it. Boring answer. Never mind. 

Which reminds me. I met an old friend of mine yesterday. A quick dinner. She's here from another country. She was happy to see me, and i think she thinks too highly of me. Its sweet. And it made me feel good. Of course. Damn this is going to be one sick show. What did i expect. I've seen the movie. Ugh. 

I'm starting to get hungry. I also want to colour. 

Didn't i have lots and lots to write in here? Well i did write about 7 pages in my journal just the other day. So maybe i'm all talked out. 

I'm never all talked out.

Bye.

Leaves.

 Winter is here. We got the heater on last night. Even the smell of natural gas accumulating in the room was heaven to me. Love, love, love everything about this season. The beginning, the short middle, and the lingering end that we desperately latch on to as February ends. Love it all. Well, except the feeling of not being able to fit into last year's cute sweater tops. :))))))) THAT is shit. Proper shit. 

I took the day off from work today. Had to go to college for some document work. And then the bank. This and that. Got up early and was done by 11. Felt super productive. Watched the first episode of The Crown season 4 ofc. I thought i wouldn't watch but i couldn't stop myself, and finished the entire episode. A is still on season 3. Elizabeth Debicki is great as Diana. So far. Full marks from me. So far. 

Guess what i'm doing. I'm in the middle of unpacking 4 suitcases full of me and A's winter wardrobe and right in the middle of it, i've sat down to write this. Because i was listening to this talk on youtube by Dr. Nicole Lepera. Ive been following her page on instagram for a while, and i love almost everything she has to say. The one im watching right now is - well here's the link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knVfc_B0W6E

Good stuff. So the reason I came here to write was because of a thought i had over the weekend regarding boundaries and self care. See, there was this event i had comitted to attend. A mini weddingy event of a college friend of mine who i hadn't met in really long time. Well. A year. And she was going to leave the country for a few months after this. We are close. And had been making plans to meet up off and on but something else always came up. Or we were too busy. The usual. Now, the day of the said event. I got pulled into some other commitments and by the time it was time for me to get ready and go, i really didn't want to. Couldn't summon the energy to. I was so tired, and had a long work day later. I was looking for someone to tell me that it was okay for me to not go, and to stay home and recoup. And someone did tell me that. I have been trying to focus on self care, and saying no more often, and prioritizing myself in situations like these. But a part of me kept nagging at me. That be a good friend. Be there for your friend. Its okay to exert yourself to make someone else happy occasionally. I would feel too guilty if i stayed home, and just didn't show up. SO. I did go. And i was glad i did. I did get tired. super tired. But i felt that my presence was appreciated. And it made me feel good about being a good friend and a good person.

The end. But. 

Question is. Well, i guess there's no question. It's just. I feel that we all need to find a balance. Between caring for ourselves and our needs and then on occasion, putting it all aside to focus on someone else. In doing so, you might be giving in to your people-pleasing side, but the joy of having been there for someone and being appreciated is also worth it. Point is, to do it in moderation. I personally, have trouble striking a balance. I like to people please. Mostly out of guilt, of disappointing someone rather than the joy of whatever else that i just mentioned. In the video, Nicole talks about this. I could relate very well. To resenting someone after you said yes to plan they made that you didn't want to commit to in the first place. You can project your own incapacity to be honest and upfront to them forcing the plan on you. That's not healthy. 

But there's also another thing. I wonder if it's so easy to not people-please and say no, when you don't have a strong support system, or at least 1 or 2 people in your life that you know will love you no matter how many times you say no or how much you mess up. (Does unconditional love exist? That's a whole other discussion). But what i mean is that. I read this thing a somewhat famous woman had written about her instagram where she said that none of the comments, good or bad really affect her. Because her validation of herself does not come externally. She knows who she is and as long as she approves of herself, she does not require anybody else to. But then. I wonder if that would still be the case if she wasn't in a very happy and stable marriage, with friends and family who love her. Maybe it would! Nonetheless. Point is. It's easy to tell someone to self love and self care and put your needs first if at the end of the day, they have someone at home who will cherish them and love them despite their flaws and imperfections, who will make them feel safe to be who they are. Someone to go back to after you've displeased a friend and risked a falling out. But if you're someone who does not have that kind of a relationship to fall back on - a friend, family member or partner. It's a different game no? You have to understand Why a people pleaser pleases people. To get affection, love, or sense of belonging that they are lacking in their life. They do it for fear of losing that sense of belonging that they've found by morphing themselves into what they think will make them more lovable. EVERYONE wants to be loved. Seen. Heard. Understood. And it does not come easy for most of us. Those of us privileged enough to have it, maybe need to be more mindful and empathetic towards people who don't, and who struggle to put themselves out there and can't afford self care and self love because they maybe don't know how to. I'm not saying your ability to love yourself and find contentment in yourself is not the way to go. It is definitely the way. But isn't there so much more to it? So much of being very brave and very alone before you can say well alright, screw anyone and their opinions. I am enough. Anyhow, what i'm trying to say is, that it's a complicated journey, one that I've been on myself and still am. I've been a people pleaser most of my life and in most of my relationships. Ive grown apart and away from a number of them. Is it because i love myself more, and am more sure of myself? Or is it because i've built stronger bonds out of the existing relations i do have and feel more grounded? I don't know. Maybe both. However, I still find myself letting fear and guilt drive my decisions when it comes to relationships. And i have a whole other theory to why that is. And WHENCE it started. See i used the word Whence. Im fancy.

Shit got heavy.

Im done with most of the winter wardrobe packing unpacking ordeal. 65% of it. Rest will be done whenever next i get time. 

Now i am going to call my mother. She is making me laugh. So that's good. 

Byebye. 

Habits.

 Today, i woke up feeling pensive. 

Then i carried that feeling on me through out the day. 

It was supposed to be a slow day, a me day. 

Did start out that way. I had a sleepy breakfast. Watched Dave Chappelle on SNL. I am not a fan on SNL. Anyone who wants to feel offended by that can go right ahead and do that. But Saturday Night Live is not funny. But with Dave it was. And then i watched another 30 min long show of his and decided that i find him to be pretty special. I remember the first time i saw him was when he interviewed James Lipton on Inside the Actor's Studio and i was like, who is this guy? And he must be a big deal if James chose him for the job. Well, now i know.

Anyway, enough about him. More about me.

So. I was having my slow day. I watched some Dave chappelle in bed. Then my tailor came and i dealt with him. And then I put on some music and tidied up the room at a snail's pace. It was good. And then. A came back from golf and proposed that we go out and get fish tacos from this place we tried the other day. So we did. Things got a little dark cloudy for a while. A hint of a storm. But then it settled. No harm done.

I was still pensive. I had some green tea. Went out for a walk. And boy oh boy oh boy oh BOY do i love to walk. It cleansed my soul. It did. the trees, the shadows, the chilly air on my face, the little growing ache in my feet, the flush in my cheeks. I think i feel most alive when i am out on a walk, in good weather, all by myself. I feel complete and content in myself. Which begs the question of why i don't do it more often? Sigh. I don't know. I do know but. I don't know.

Met s1 for green tea after my walk/run. She vented and i vented. Detox with tea-tox she called it. Why yes it certainly was. A picked me up from there and we came back home. 

There's chicken in the oven and baked potatoes downstairs. I don't think i will eat that. Because its around 11 pm and i have to sleep because work tomorrow.

I'm still pensive. Which is why i'm writing in here. Its pretty quiet in here. That's good. There's Mathew mcConaughey on Tv talking about his new memoir. About how he has been journaling for 36 years. Maybe i will write a memoir too someday. Or maybe this is my memoir right here.

It's so funny how i think having 3 cups of green tea in a day will clear the smog in my mind. It won't. 

Joe biden won btw. Okayfineeveryoneknows. Just documenting for the sake of it. Moving on.

I know exactly the three things that make me feel most alive. 

- Feeling connected, understood, seen. A stimulating conversation. The kind where you either shiver or get really warm because of how worked up you've gotten. The kind after which you feel full. Full to the brim everywhere in your body you feel rested. All your neurons were on fire and now they're settling in a warm glow. The afterglow of a great conversation. Where you were you. Safely you. And you were Seen. And the world didn't end. 

- Nature.

- Being productive. Whether its work, working out, or sorting shit out. Doing things that need to be done. Checking shit off checklists. Decluttering. Refusing to drown in the 'to-do's and coming out on top. Coming out way ahead. Winning. Small wins. Big wins. Having pushed myself. Facing fear. Big fears. Little fears. Plodding on. All that.

Currently, everything is lukewarm at best.

Do you know I just write and never edit? Which is why shit sounds so disjointed most of the time. But maybe i want to keep it that way. 

Shit. Still feeling pensive. 

Hello, hello, hello.

 What in the world?!

So i just logged on here after ten billion years only because - well long story but oh my lord, i clicked on the 'comments' section and there were all these unread unseen comments from years ago that had not showed up on my dashboard for some reason and i thought my blog was dead and no one had read it in years and then i just read all 38 new comments and it warmed my heart so muchhhh. This has made my day! Some are from 2017! Damn. Some of you have been reading and leaving comments. Like little elves. How nice. How nice. 

I am very happy. Its like the world has given me a nice little pat on the back. A nice little 'Keep going'. 

And so i shall.

Anyhow. 

Today is a Thursday. Around 2 pm. And im home. My hair is damp. Not straightened. I don't have make up on. Just sun screen. And moisturizer. The weather is such that we're not turning A.Cs on anymore. So its just the fan and an abundance of sunlight through the windows. That's mostly for the giant plant we have kept right next to the window. Alright so currently we have 3 plants. 

One is giant. Its literally huge. All over the place. There's no order to the leaves. They're here and there. But ive grown to love its imperfection. The way its huge and clumsy. But me and A both agreed that we liked it here. And we like it as it is. He's the one who takes care of it mostly. Notices little baby leaves and such. But i like it too. And so the curtains are pushed back so he can breathe and bask. The second plant. Is the one i have a soft corner for. Someone at A's office gave it to him. And it has grown so much. It was tiny and its stem is so delicate. Yet it grows and grows. No attitude. Just quietly growing and getting stronger. I still worry when i see the thin stems sway when the fan is on. But it seems resilient. And i would like for it to not die. And the third plant. Is a cactus. That we purchased from this organic market thing that happened over the weekend. It doesn't need any pampering. Its prickly and its in a nice little artsy pot in the washroom where he lives quietly. What i like about it is that it can be used as a weapon. I can shove it in someone's face. I shared this idea with A and he wasn't very amused.

Enough about plants. Everyone has become a plant person during Covid right? 

I think i haven't mentioned COVID in here. So. Well just for the sake of it, ill mention it cuz it is a huge thing happening globally and my blog needs to be relevant and in sync with the times. So yeah covid. Ok.

Which reminds me. I am working again. Its been 4 months now. Work is all-consuming. It eats up all my energy, all my time. I hardly get a day off. And when i do, i try to be a vegetable and re-cuperate and recharge before i get back to the grind. So what am i doing on a thursday afternoon writing this and that you might think? Well. I got sick. Stomach got really angry and really upset and there was fever and bodyaches and the whole package. So my hospital took pity on me and gave me 2 sick days. And i couldn't be happier. I slept and i slept. I watched netflix and netflix. A nice movie called the  trial of the Chicago Seven and a weird documentary about three identical strangers and a shady unethical study. This morning however, I am watching Rebecca. Its one of those classics that I've heard about ever since i was little, i know the story i know the characters, i know the references enough so when i see a meme about it i understand it. But i've never actually read it. Not going to either. *shrugs* And this movie has Armie Hammer who plays a rich guy so well. 

I woke up, i had an early breakfast. My stomach didn't reject it. Thankyouverymuch. Took a long long shower. Sorted out some clothes. Tidied up the room. Talked to mom. Wore jeans and a top. Going to change my nail colour in a while. And well. Theres this thing i should do now that i have the time. Sort out wedding pictures. Ugh. It gives me shudders to think of it. Wedding happened more than a year ago and i still haven't sorted out the wedding pictures for the album. And now im just too scared to attempt it. Maybe ill have tea and get done with it today. There are a number of tasks ive been running away from. Ill list them later. (procrastination 101). 

I've been reading about the impact stress can have on your health and how unresolved, repressed emotions can present as physical symptoms. Autoimmune diseases. What not. It's fascinating. Also a little scary. Its like being stressed about being stressed. What can you do? Well, i try. I try to calm my brain down every chance i get. I try to do comforting things for my soul and my body. I'm not great at that. And the body part is severely neglected. That stresses me out even more. But i'm trying. Just keep swimming. Right?

More and more, i've grown to like the simplicity and the quietness of my life. I'm not doing much. I work. A works. We are happy in our routine. It's comfortable. There isn't a lot of clutter. Not too much noise. I love people not knowing whats going on in my life. Unless i decide to tell them about it. Not much is for show. And i want to keep it that way. I do however want a vacation. And a lot of fun. But other than that, the quiet is nice. 

I will hopefully write in again soon. All these new(for me) comments! Going to ride this high for some time. Just you see. 

Thanks for whoever (whomever? Why do i never know which one to use? someone settle this for me) read and wrote in. Its the best feeling. I'm glad people are still writing. Still reading. And not just on Insta (eye roll). 

Till next time.