Leaves.

 Winter is here. We got the heater on last night. Even the smell of natural gas accumulating in the room was heaven to me. Love, love, love everything about this season. The beginning, the short middle, and the lingering end that we desperately latch on to as February ends. Love it all. Well, except the feeling of not being able to fit into last year's cute sweater tops. :))))))) THAT is shit. Proper shit. 

I took the day off from work today. Had to go to college for some document work. And then the bank. This and that. Got up early and was done by 11. Felt super productive. Watched the first episode of The Crown season 4 ofc. I thought i wouldn't watch but i couldn't stop myself, and finished the entire episode. A is still on season 3. Elizabeth Debicki is great as Diana. So far. Full marks from me. So far. 

Guess what i'm doing. I'm in the middle of unpacking 4 suitcases full of me and A's winter wardrobe and right in the middle of it, i've sat down to write this. Because i was listening to this talk on youtube by Dr. Nicole Lepera. Ive been following her page on instagram for a while, and i love almost everything she has to say. The one im watching right now is - well here's the link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knVfc_B0W6E

Good stuff. So the reason I came here to write was because of a thought i had over the weekend regarding boundaries and self care. See, there was this event i had comitted to attend. A mini weddingy event of a college friend of mine who i hadn't met in really long time. Well. A year. And she was going to leave the country for a few months after this. We are close. And had been making plans to meet up off and on but something else always came up. Or we were too busy. The usual. Now, the day of the said event. I got pulled into some other commitments and by the time it was time for me to get ready and go, i really didn't want to. Couldn't summon the energy to. I was so tired, and had a long work day later. I was looking for someone to tell me that it was okay for me to not go, and to stay home and recoup. And someone did tell me that. I have been trying to focus on self care, and saying no more often, and prioritizing myself in situations like these. But a part of me kept nagging at me. That be a good friend. Be there for your friend. Its okay to exert yourself to make someone else happy occasionally. I would feel too guilty if i stayed home, and just didn't show up. SO. I did go. And i was glad i did. I did get tired. super tired. But i felt that my presence was appreciated. And it made me feel good about being a good friend and a good person.

The end. But. 

Question is. Well, i guess there's no question. It's just. I feel that we all need to find a balance. Between caring for ourselves and our needs and then on occasion, putting it all aside to focus on someone else. In doing so, you might be giving in to your people-pleasing side, but the joy of having been there for someone and being appreciated is also worth it. Point is, to do it in moderation. I personally, have trouble striking a balance. I like to people please. Mostly out of guilt, of disappointing someone rather than the joy of whatever else that i just mentioned. In the video, Nicole talks about this. I could relate very well. To resenting someone after you said yes to plan they made that you didn't want to commit to in the first place. You can project your own incapacity to be honest and upfront to them forcing the plan on you. That's not healthy. 

But there's also another thing. I wonder if it's so easy to not people-please and say no, when you don't have a strong support system, or at least 1 or 2 people in your life that you know will love you no matter how many times you say no or how much you mess up. (Does unconditional love exist? That's a whole other discussion). But what i mean is that. I read this thing a somewhat famous woman had written about her instagram where she said that none of the comments, good or bad really affect her. Because her validation of herself does not come externally. She knows who she is and as long as she approves of herself, she does not require anybody else to. But then. I wonder if that would still be the case if she wasn't in a very happy and stable marriage, with friends and family who love her. Maybe it would! Nonetheless. Point is. It's easy to tell someone to self love and self care and put your needs first if at the end of the day, they have someone at home who will cherish them and love them despite their flaws and imperfections, who will make them feel safe to be who they are. Someone to go back to after you've displeased a friend and risked a falling out. But if you're someone who does not have that kind of a relationship to fall back on - a friend, family member or partner. It's a different game no? You have to understand Why a people pleaser pleases people. To get affection, love, or sense of belonging that they are lacking in their life. They do it for fear of losing that sense of belonging that they've found by morphing themselves into what they think will make them more lovable. EVERYONE wants to be loved. Seen. Heard. Understood. And it does not come easy for most of us. Those of us privileged enough to have it, maybe need to be more mindful and empathetic towards people who don't, and who struggle to put themselves out there and can't afford self care and self love because they maybe don't know how to. I'm not saying your ability to love yourself and find contentment in yourself is not the way to go. It is definitely the way. But isn't there so much more to it? So much of being very brave and very alone before you can say well alright, screw anyone and their opinions. I am enough. Anyhow, what i'm trying to say is, that it's a complicated journey, one that I've been on myself and still am. I've been a people pleaser most of my life and in most of my relationships. Ive grown apart and away from a number of them. Is it because i love myself more, and am more sure of myself? Or is it because i've built stronger bonds out of the existing relations i do have and feel more grounded? I don't know. Maybe both. However, I still find myself letting fear and guilt drive my decisions when it comes to relationships. And i have a whole other theory to why that is. And WHENCE it started. See i used the word Whence. Im fancy.

Shit got heavy.

Im done with most of the winter wardrobe packing unpacking ordeal. 65% of it. Rest will be done whenever next i get time. 

Now i am going to call my mother. She is making me laugh. So that's good. 

Byebye.