Agency.

Gave in my one month's notice at work the other day. And the countdown has begun. Excitement. Dread. There are things i am looking forward to. Working out, sleep, preparing for another exam, structure, spending more time with family, reading, mindful activities. And then there are other things. Not earning, being available, struggling with self discipline. Missing the circle of friends/almost friends that i've made at work. Its hard to keep in touch when you're not seeing each other everyday, and not in the grind together. Work has also been an escape. A necessary escape? But it has served its purpose and i must make some sacrifices now, if i want to move forward in life. I'm going to miss it. I'm going to miss hating it. But life goes on.

My dreams are intense these days. Its the sleep deprivation and the wonky routine. I've been dreaming of oceans. Being afraid and intimidated each time. Of the deep dark void. Don't know what's triggering it. Or maybe the Ocean is my future and that's what i am afraid of. 

I am struggling to find my voice. To own the space i occupy. To not be apologetic for my feelings, however many, however overwhelming - Oh wait. Is the ocean my feelings? Is that what i'm afraid of? My OCEAN like feelings? Hmmm. Not sure. Possible. My feelings. God. I've spent my whole life trying to find a home for my feelings. Have i found one yet? I don't know. I've found rooms however. And nooks. And corners. And yet there's a vast OCEAN, in my heart, that has no place to go. My ocean needs a home. Wow. Either this is all bullshit or maybe i am really making sense. Probably both.

There was a thunderstorm the other night, a beautiful one and there was me, half of me, misplaced, fixated on a dream that wasn't heard. 

It's not normal to be around so much death, all the time. People you know, people close to people you love. I found myself unable to sleep over someone who died whom i had only met 3 times. But i guess that's what this pandemic is doing to us. Insidious. Changing our lives in ways big and small. 

I have started a Paint by numbers thing. And while i do that, i often watch this pakistani drama that is my guilty pleasure these days. But say what you want. There's something about the main character that i quite appreciate. A personal struggle with love. Receiving and giving, both. 

Hmmm. More later.