Freestyle

Is winter even winter if you don't sit by the heater and eat peanuts? 

I feel lonely. Even though s2 was here the past 2.5 days. I'm back to feeling this way. I feel unmotivated. And anxious. I got my cat spayed a few days ago. And boy has it been tough. I think I am not the best candidate for being a cat parent. I worry way too much. People tell me not to obsess but. I obsess. I have tried not to, but I am baseline worried all the time. I don't think I should be a cat parent. Even though I love my cat. There I said it.

Two other things about me, are that I require a certain amount of control over my routine and my time. And when it is involuntarily taken from me, my battery drops so fast - before you know it I'll either explode or implode. Another thing about me is. I don't like to multitask in life. Bas.

I'm weirdly nostalgic about my hostel life right now. I don't recall the last time I felt this way. Somehow  lately, in spite of living alone more or less, having a lot of free time and not many obligations, I continue to feel out of control. As if, I'm trying to keep up and do what needs to be done but constantly falling short. I'm half tempted to start one of those 'living alone diaries' or 'study with me' vlogs. But I hate putting myself out there. Publicly. Inviting people in. I just can't. That's maybe the main reason i haven't switched to insta-blogging. I just like this better. M said some things that resonated with me today. She said I have been so used to having my routine be controlled by external factors that now when most of them have been removed, I don't know what to do with myself. She said I will have to cultivate motivation myself. 

I cooked Achari aloo today. I wanted more praise than got.

Last night I baked some sweet potatoes for the first time. I overcooked them, but they still tasted beautiful. I have realized that i love sweet potatoes. Yum!

These days I'm exploring the pleasures of sitting in the steam room after a swim. The first day, I could barely sit for 5 minutes. Now I think I can sit for 15 mins easy. Its somewhat cathartic. Just passively exfoliating my emotions. 

WHY. WHY is is that just because I have a phone. Anyone can reach me, and then I am obligated to reach back? And give some shit ass excuse to why I didn't answer earlier? Why why why why why. I don't like being so accessible. :(

My cat's had her 10 day follow up at the vet today. To get her stitches removed. And unfortunately, and because the world hates me, the incision has not fully healed. And now I need to apply an ointment to her wound twice a day for 5 more days and continue to limit and monitor her. Kill me. 

I have missed out on all FIFA matches. Will I watch the semi final tonight? Its the semi final is it not? Not sure. 

Watching The White Lotus lately. The soundtrack is the main character of the show. 

I think Im going to change up my blog's look. Its too dark and what not. We'll see.

Bye I'm angry.