Of no help.

 Something that I really appreciate about my parents is how they let me be in my room. I mean, yes I am an adult and staying here indefinitely, not for too long hopefully. But I'm still their kid. And it's refreshing to be left by myself. It's 2 pm. And i can hear them watch TV downstairs, but they don't care. They don't give a shit about what im up to. How refreshing. It makes me want to spend more time with them. Because I get to choose. Little freedoms can mean a great deal at times.

*

The other day i tripped and fell, while walking. I haven't fallen down in a while. Or had my palm scratched on gravel. It was so nostalgic. Funny isn't it. Anyhow turns out that my feet have betrayed me. I can't seem to continue walking for long hours anymore without it feeling like i have somehow offended the earth itself causing it to attack my toes every step i take. Bummer. BUT. I had my first swim today. After maybe a decade? Or more. Loved feeling the water around my skin. Not on my skin, just around it. What a feeling. 

*

The other night i wrote an entire blog post in my head about all the ways therapy has helped me. Maybe I will write one eventually. Maybe i won't. But the awareness of how far I've come, the work I've done, the persistence with which I have fought for myself, to be myself, is something I am so proud of. Maybe proud is not the right word. Its more like comfort. An assurance. A warm blanket. It is me being on my team. Me coaching me and me cheering for the me who is on the field. That on its own, has been quite the experience and I'm glad for it.

*

Today has been odd. In due consideration of my hormones and shit as fuck mood, the entire day was spent on the bed. Binging on Ted Lasso. A show after my own heart. Eating chocolate and banana bread. Journaling. Napping. Sulking. Frowning constantly. Listening to Brene Brown try to explain emotions. Hiding from guests for 4 hours. And crying a little bit. Its almost midnight and it feels like .. I don't know. 4 pm? or 10 pm? I don't know. I am down in the dumps and i don't even feel like picking myself up. I just don't have the energy. 

*

Things were better today, even though it seemed impossible. Did a lot of sorting and getting things ready for Monday which is an important day for me. I hope all goes well. I went swimming again today. There was a cockroach in my slipper. I felt it on my foot. Prickly. I told A this happened and he said You must've died right there, and i said yeah. I was pretty stunned for a bit. And then I tried to be brave about it. But I am still curling my toes right now, thinking about it. ICK! 

I got to talk to A for longer today. 

*

The funk continues. Despite a great weekend with a quick solo trip outside the city, wholesome reunion with two friends, and a very, very good news. I still feel low. And did not go swimming today either. Watched a hundred videos about proper breathing techniques under water, but did not end up going in said water. Great. I think it's time that i force myself to make some changes. To push myself out of the funk. No one else can or will do it. So. Tomorrow, hopefully. 

Enough paragraphs. Time to hit publish.