Somebody else.

It’s a cold day. The fan is off, the room is silent. My throat feels like it will start hurting by the time I’m back home from lunch. My system does not cope well with physical stress. Headaches escalate and fevers happen. Inconvenience I tell you. I’ve been watching Vikings in bed all day and I like Ragnar. I keep telling s2 that he has a smile about his face. It’s something. 

It’s Halloween today. I am reminded of a yellow kid beaming next to a goat. Just an old dream. 

I am increasingly intrigued by why people behave the way they do. What their masks are made of. What fears drive them? Every one,  everyone has a story. I can’t help but look for it every time I interact with someone. 

The idea that I have, of the kind of person I want to be must not remain an idea. A mirage. Lately, I’ve been making an active effort to become that person. I’m doing things that I am not comfortable with, saying things I would never have had the guts to say three years ago. But I’m doing it now. Because the only way to do it, is to do it. 

Baby steps, baby. 

You think death, disease, doubt, depression, are things that happen to other people. You hear stories, you empathise but don’t relate. Can’t relate, because they are not about you. Not you, never you. But then bit by bit it starts to happen. To you, and those near you and nothing is ever the same and your story is just as ordinary and painful as the next person. 

Life feels churny again. I’m not working but every day is full. V is here. And between shopping trips to sleepovers to maintaining old rituals to struggling to get through all nine hours of the Lotr series before she leaves, I’m trying to deal with one of the saddest things I have faced as an adult. I’m meeting N for breakfast tomorrow morning so we can catch up on the shit we are both dealing with. I have lost half my voice. And 3 a.m thoughts are getting heavier. 

I went cycling today. And cycled to my hearts content. After years. It’s getting cold. Cold enough that my feet are cold and I’m wearing a hoodie. Having air rush through your hair is one of the best feelings. Cycling gives me that. I got this bicycle from N’s little sister and had to cycle back home. S2 drove and I tried to chase her and so I peddled hard and by the time I got home my heart was half out of my chest and I was so nauseous I had to sit next to the flush for five minutes. S2 found this amusing. 

Me and her also sat at the swings for a while as we often do when it gets chilly and white with fog and smog. I should call my dad tomorrow. My throat is dry and painful every night and every morning. I thought about some things last night. I feel liberated in a way. It was really good for me. I ate daal chawal after I got home from cycling. With finely chopped salad just the way I like it. Watched Alias Grace with s2. Criminal psychology fascinates me. But all shows are so predictable. Today was good. In spite of the heart sinking and squeezing every now and then as it does. It was almost peaceful. Still is. So far.