Wednesday, October 19, 2016

The space behind a waterfall.

I agreed to go out with s1 and help her do wedding shopping the other day. I'm a silent partner, who occasionally stops her from doing and thinking stupid things. So we did some shopping but also ended up buying non shaadi things with money we couldn't afford to spend. I got some fried donuts on the way back and got dropped to Ns place where she made tea for us both and we hung out in her room till my mom called asking about my whereabouts after which I went home. At home s1 wanted to watch a movie and I suggested we watch It's a Wonderful life. And so we did and I really really enjoyed it. I'm watching Spellbound right now and I have realised that I like Ingrid Bergman. She looks classy. I woke up in a pleasant state of mind this morning but then things took a bad spin and I was in a foul mood for the rest of the afternoon. So I showered and ate chai with rusk after a long time and then no one was home except s1 who was in her room so I went and sat on the steps in our porch and just sat there thinking and gazing into the void in my mind. This was interrupted by a phonecall, it was dad and he sounded so heavy and stressed out that I ended up counselling him about it for half an hour. This put me in a cleaning mood so i spent the next hour clearing out the junk in my tiny room. This made me hungry. So I had some chicken with nandos sauce and boiled channay. And a million little marshmallows. Now my stomach is full of pink sponge. V said today that we should talk and I was in the mood to walk because winter intoxicates me and I need a fix everyday by which i mean that I must do something to respect the season daily. Walking in the littlebitcold breeze does the job. So does gazing at the moon btw. So yeah, I was in a walking mood therefore I went to walk and we talked and we also talked about this guy I know of who hung himself and I can't stop thinking about every thought he must have had and V said you're going to make me cry stop it. So I did and we talked about less morbid things. I am finally done with my book about meditation and the bit I really liked was about how being compassionate is actually good for you. Over the time I have grown quite weary of people telling me to be more selfish and always keeping your guard up and not letting people take you for granted etcetera. I mean yes okay, all good points and useful advice I'm sure. But. Where are all the people who will tell me to be kinder, to be more generous and humble, to point out the good things in a person before the not-so-good ones? I wish I was kinder. And braver. Enough to go beyond the petty bs that we indulge in every day. I try. 'Try harder' a voice in my head tells me. Yeah okay. I've been thinking about the hostel a lot lately. I miss it terribly. I could talk about this for a long time. Recounting every small insignificant thing that I love and miss about that place. That place and the person i was when I was there. I remember missing it even before I had moved out. I often end up missing people and places in their presence. I don't live in the present. At times I wonder if I live anywhere but the present. I have realised this recently, well no. Ive always been aware of my habit of zoning out, staying lost in thoughts for hours on end but what I've realised just recently is that this needs to change. I need to learn to be mindful of the present. The now. The Abhi. Ye. This. It's going to take a lot of effort but what is it that they say, knowing the problem is half the solution, right? So I guess I'm in a good place Np. Smiling at people is charity. Isn't that a wonderful thing? I must sleep now. Before that I will read some more. A filler book before I start a better one. Then I will think and contemplate over life and start dreaming in fragments which is the trend in my world these days. Boxes need to be closed and stacked way back in my head. Exhausting. Anyway.
That's all for now.

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