Go crazy.

Listen. Listen to music. Music that will light up a spark. Spark that will set your mind on fire. Fire that will course through your veins. Veins that will burn with adrenaline.  Adrenaline shall make you fly. Fly at the speed of light. Light that will blind the skies. And stars and the sun itself. Like blowing out a candle. Until it's all dark. Give way to darkness. Be one with it and let it dissolve every molecule of you. Sit in the dark and close your eyes. Dream. Dream of the worlds you created inside your head. Your head full of thoughts. Thoughts and ideas. And doubts. Like dragons. Dragons that breathe vicious fire. Step into the fire. Your fire. And feel the warmth. Warmth that gives you hope. Hope that glues you back together. And makes your heart beat. Beat to the drums of your anthem. Sing your own anthem.
Then open your eyes.

And catch your breath.

It's time.

Nd.

He's my cousin. More than a brother. A friend and a gaurdian to me. He's the kind of person who changes people's lives in important ways. You might not talk to him for days and he might refuse to write more than two words in his texts but he will be there to say all the right words and do all the right things when you need it the most. He's the biggest narcissist you'll ever meet with ego the size of Russia. But he's kind and caring and will offer to make you banana bread whenever you feel like it. He acts a little self serving at times and will not care for your plans if they're clashing with his. But he will also pick you up from one end of the city and drop you to the other even if it makes him late for work.

He pampers me and fights with me and listens to all my crazy ideas even if all he has to say at the end is shutup. He listens to my dreams. And insists that his opinions are facts and superior to mine. He buys me books. And Fruit roll ups. And gives me Eidi. And offers me a plate full of his favourite cake. He calls me his successor. And is the only guy apart from my dad who I don't mind getting a hug from.

He's the kind of person who makes you feel good about yourself but will also call you out if you're doing something wrong. He makes you want to depend on him. And he does it for everyone he cares about. He gets things done. And hardly ever says no. You tell him about this constellation you know about and he will stop the car on the road at 3 a.m so you can look for it in the winter sky. He is also a bully. But you tend to forgive him for it somehow. We are all flawed aren't we?

Not many people inspire me but he sure does. He makes me want to be a better person. I want to be the kind of person who brings you pizza, coffee and candy the night before your exam. Who leaves a mark with you. Who you know you can turn to, even if you never do.

It's his birthday today and since I could never say all these nice things to his face, I thought I'd write them down here.

Just for the record yknow.

Curious rainbows.

While talking to N:

N: I'm so low.
Me: Apocalypse, telling you.
N:  Ahan.
Me: Seriously. There's an epidemic.  Depression ka.
N: Pata nahi kia ho gya hai yaar.
Me:  Except. I'm not depressed. It's just wrong. Anomaly.
N: Blah. You're too much of a rainbow.

I like being called a rainbow.

                                      *

Someone I know might be falling in love. It's interesting to watch and has given me new things to think about. Also it's such a pretty time to be in love.

  
                                       *

My khala thinks I have an artistic face.
S1 randomly hugged me and told me that she missed me.
And a friend refused to hang up the phone today because she said she felt safe talking to me.
Odd compliments are always better than the usual shit aren't they?

 
                                     *

I think my one role in life is to watch people unravel and unload before me.

                                     *

I'm one of those people who like to hear themselves talk. Quite narcissistic isn't it? But it's not a bad thing as long as you understand that other people might not share your views.

                                      *

I never get why anyone would post anonymously on my blog. It makes me so curious. I love how j.k Rowling uses this word though. Curious. You know when Harry tries his wand, that's what Olivander says.

                                      *

Winter bits.

Today is quiter than most days. Its a quite morning. My feet are cold. Its almost noon but it feels like 7 a.m. Better get fresh. Go to the canteen for breakfast or make a sandwich myself? Decisions. Decisions.     
     

                                       *
  
   Okay I've made me a proper fancy sunday morning breakfast y'all. Except it's not Sunday and my breakfast ain't fancy. But well. There's coffee. There's a cupcake. There's a butter croissant. And slice of bread with lots of cream cheese. Yum. I'm watching High fidelity again. This movie refuses to end. Why is John Cusack so repulsive?! 

                                      *

 I had the most beautiful dreams last night. Really mysterious and just so tragically beautiful. I remember waking up in the middle of the night, just to make sure that my dreams were real and what was happening wouldn't go away when I woke up. And in that moment of awareness, or half awareness, my mind told me that yes, the dreams are as real as anything, they're still here, go back to sleep. And I believed it. And slept. And later. When I woke up, and cold consciousness took over, I realised...what the hell. It's all gone. Not fair. Cruel really. Oh well. 

  

                                    *

 It is absolutely heavenly outside. It smells of rain and bbq and shampoo. I'm cold, since all my winter clothes are still in bags back home. 

                                    *

I can't wait for December. December will bring warm quilts and towel socks. And vanilla lattes and daal chawal. And spending all my savings on an overpriced sweater. And peanuts. And fog. 

Bullets 16.

YES. A bullet post. I'm excited. Are you? Okay. Here goes.

* The worst is over...sort of. I am quite surprised at how, mightiusetheword gracefully i behaved through all of it? Well okay. s2 would beg to differ. But i'm talking generally. There were no more than 2 panic attacks and i stayed up most nights. Alone. How nice. Anyway. There's more to come but that too shall pass! Until then, let's all be graceful and shiz.

* I went out with college friends the other day and then spent an entire day with N. We shopped. And ate. And talked and got really tired. And even though i might have to starve for the next week or so, I'm glad i did it. Overspent, overslept, overate. Over everything. Moderation is not my middle name. Okay that does not make much sense. But yeah.

* The things that people do hardly ever surprise me. But lately,and not so lately, certain events have confused me a little. Made me wonder, and think and wonder some more. I still haven't been able to figure them out. Which is new.

This is home. And the wallpaper on my phone.

* I want cake. I always want cake. Remember that! There are some cupcakes in the fridge but they're not nice. I shall make do with candy. Did i tell you? The roomies went out for shopping so i asked them to bring me back something good. r2 got me CANDY! :') Just like that.

* I've had a break from studying and now i can not get back to it. I will watch movie after movie after movie. Watched the Dead Poet's Society again last night. What a beauty that movie is. Also watched the Conjuring. Now i have to sleep cross legged because I'm afraid someone's going to grab my foot. Will watch Side Effects and An officer and a gentleman next. Yay.

* Okay so I'm watching High Fidelity for some reason. And i'm finding John Cusack to be pretty hateful. He's annoying and my stomach hurts. Bad, bad combo.

* Today is such a dead day is it not? Nothing is moving. Showers are the magic. The magic, i tell you.

* Read up a little about 3D printing. Seems interesting. Need to know more.

* Some songs are made for winter. I was made for winter. I'm a winter baby. Winter bones. And winter feet. And a wintery nose.

I feel like i wanted to write so much more, but hardly anything came out. That's not a good feeling. Oh well.
Till next time, i guess.