Controlled explosion.

Everybody is stupid.
I am angry.
I hate Leonard from big bang theory. Boy he makes me angry.
I'm just really angry.

You know what i want?

I want to swim.
 And i want to spend the money I've saved.
 And i want to go out everyday and befriend awesome people.

ALSO. I have realized that the hour after Sehri. It makes me have 4-hour long conversations about life. It's a vulnerable time.

And I have been dreaming about babies. Thrice in one week. WHAT DO THESE BABIES WANT TO TELL ME? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? CUTE LITTLE BABIES STOP CREEPING ME OUT!

Anyway. I'll make do with coffee and biscuits.

Some things.

There are somethings that only dad can do. Like open my jar of puck at Sehri with his eyes barely open. Or add an extra hole in my sandal/watch strap. Or make fun of me when I fall sick. And somethings only mom can do. Like. Feed me freshly cooked rice out of a tiny plate with her own hands. Pick up a drad cockroach and throw it away. And this:

Me: Ma I need a lamp.
Ma: okay. Kis tarha ka lamp?
Me: Bas lamp. Kisi bhi tarha ka. Yellow light chaiye.
Ma: angry birds wala le aaun?

Aww my baby.

Hollow.

Had the greatest weekend I've had in a while. With family. There was genuine laughter and fun and warmth. But there's also this mindless purposeless-ness and disconnection with the world and everyone in it that is just not going away.

What am I going to do?

From a different chamber.

I said I'd write a post from the heart, but I don't think i have it in me to write one. Not that I don't have anything to write. Infact I have a lot on my mind but this is no place for it. What i do write is also from the heart, but it's from a different chamber altogether.

It's almost two a.m. I am in my room. Just had a bottle of mountain dew. Looked through some clothes online, found nothing except a nice wear-at-home tee. Had green tea earlier which tasted awful. It was bitter and made my throat feel weird but i had it anyway. Meetings cousins tomorrow. Should be fun. I feel disturbed when i see people break into pieces right in front of me because of love. I'm halfway through reading A farewell to arms and I don't like Catherine Barkley. There's no me. I'm you. I'm a good girl aren't I? What is up with that? Frankly, I find it pretty annoying. I don't get people who have no sense of self. It's unacceptable

s1: You have this quality..
me: I know.
s1: Something in you that makes everybody want to be your mom.
me: I know.
s1: Why is that?
me: I don't know. But it works for me.

I watched A Roman Holiday today. Ah. What a movie. It was like a hug. Audrey Hepburn has a great smile. Radiant. I love scolding mom. She is such a bunny. White bunny. I want to write a letter to someone. Don't know who. But i would love to write one. I love letters. People don't write letters anymore. My third knuckle is always painful and makes it hard for me to write during exams.

Me: Hi
N: I miss you. Bleh. Whatever. kthanksbye.
Me: LOL.Yeaaah, i was fun wasn't I? (:
N: Don't push it.

Never ask people what's wrong with them if you don't really want to know. It's unfair to everyone. The other day i was talking to s2 about being there for people. And i told her to be there silently. And she said that silently being there doesn't count. And i told her that it does. Because i mean. I'm always silently there for people. What the hell.

Me: Say something interesting and i'll write it on my blog.
W: Oooo okay.
     Water flotation device.
Me: ....

Mom calls me the buffer of the family. She says that i neutralize everything. My mom has a golden heart. I want one too. I hate how most of the times I have no self control. I'm very easy on myself but also very hard. Never in front of other people though. Never be hard on yourself in front of other people or they will be hard on you too. I think.

Tomorrow is a new day. Let's rejoice.

p.s. 400th post! Special thanks to all those people who read and comment. You make my day. Truly.

Applesauce.

So i started watching Woody Allen's Annie Hall and have not completed it yet. So far the only thing it has made me realize is that I've always disliked dodge 'em cars and i love vegetable peelers. Its past midnight and my original plan was to start studying but i ended up whining to s1 about college and people for an hour. And now I'm here because s1 is asleep and I'm not done talking.
Had a sleepover at a friend's place. We all got together and talked incessantly through the night.    

There was this part where we were supposed to talk about everyone's good and bad points. When it came to me, nothing bad was said except that i'm lazy and one of them said that she had never really seen my emotional side. And that was weird because it made me realize that these are my friends from school and they don't even know my flaws. So just for the sake of their education, i told them of a few. And felt better.

“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.” - Jack Kerouac.

What a beautiful thing to say.
I find it hard to study with an empty stomach. Burning clean stomach. Burning clean mind. I wish i could have that but. Mind's all hazy and low battery-ish. All the time. Even with the coffee.
S1 bought these weird sugar free cookies today. I had them with a nice cup of coffee and they weren't half bad. Speaking of chocolates (I know no one spoke of chocolates, but i did so in my head), i think there are two types of people in the world. People who love Bounty and people who don't. I for one, belong to the former group. I love bounty.Yummy. Although i don't like any other coconut flavored food.

I think sneezing in summers is the weirdest thing. I sneeze a lot. I never was the allergic type. But now i am. It's funny how your system changes with time.

My crazy dreams are back. I haven't been writing them down for some reason. I don't know why. It's been a while now. But i did dream about the Raynaud's disease except in my dream, it meant something different, and people suffering from it were offended by the word 'Fairy'.

I think i should go and eat something now.
Also i think a post from the heart is coming soon. Maybe. Let's see.
More later.

Bullets 14

• Being in my new home is such a joy. It's so peaceful. I feel like I am on vacation and i feel at home at the same time. 

• Met my friends today. Crazy little shits. Love to embarrass me in public. But they make me laugh. And that's what i love about them.

• Harder times are to come in near future I'm predicting. And my problems are often not my problems but when has that made anything easier? 

• I have learned that hospitality goes a long way with people. Must learn to be more hospitable. I am too informal for my own good i think.

• I have also learned that it's good to keep your distance from people who bring out your uglier side. You know how Rumi says. 'Set yourself on fire. Be with those who fan your flames.' That. Them. The fans. Those are the ones you want to be with.

•  I dreamt that it was raining very hard and I was riding a bicycle really fast. Almost flying. I was laughing and could feel the wind rush through my heart. But then I got kidnapped and people started slashing me with blades and stuff. Yeah..i know. Bi polar much?

•  I hate negativity and all kinds of emo shit in case you haven't noticed. Also, I saw some girls do a presentation the other day. It reeked of desperation. I hate that too. I mean. Give me a break will you?

Anyway. Here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure.

 

Took this on a morning busride.

Reading hemmingway, surrounded by books. <3 br="">

The comfort of wooden floors and lamps.