Every time it rains.

If I were a poet, I would write a poem every time it rained.
If I were a dancer, I would dance every time it rained.
If I were a musician, I would compose a song every time it rained.
If I were a painter, I would paint a masterpiece every time it rained.

If I were the head of a cannibalistic tribe, I would offer a human sacrifice every time it rained.
If I were a serial killer, I would plot a murder every time it rained.
If I were a robber, I would plan a master theft every time it rained.
If I were a prison warden, I would come up with a new way to torture my inmates every time it rained.


But.

I'm Me. And I sit on my porch and write shit on my phone every time it rains.

Nano.

I love my nano.

She's the only living grand parent i have.

Yet I'm not very close to her. I've never properly hugged her. Never lied down in her lap. Never had her put oil in my hair. Never fallen asleep to her goodnight stories. Never had a real discussion with her or talked to her about anything at length. Never been told off about anything by her. Never eaten anything handcooked by her. Never helped her walk to the washroom. Never cleaned up after her. Never had a picture taken with her. Never made her feel warm and awesome.

But i've had my hand kissed by her every single time i've been to see her. I've sat with her for hours listening to her tell me stories about her youth. I've listened to her talk to me about politics. I've had her point out to me that i had gained weight and that i should never let myself gain weight. I've fallen asleep next to her. I've always gotten eidi from her even if it was a fifty rupee note. I was named by her. She calls me her 'sher' and 'bahadar bachi', God only knows why. She also thinks i'm some kind of special. And that i'm the only one in the family with 'faizi ilm'. (Don't even know what that means exactly.) And that i will go far in life. And no matter how exaggerated that sounds, it makes me feel warm and awesome.

And i do love her. But i've never told her that. Or spent enough time with her to let her know it. I hope, that by some miracle, she does know it. But i don't think she does.

Oh well.

Rehab.

Coffee always makes me want to blog. Coffee, and a good song.
Its 5 am. I plan on staying up for another 5 hours. Need to study.

I'm on a self rehabilitation project. That includes sleeping less, eating less, more coffee, getting back in touch with myself, less texting, studying more, helping mom with chores, wanting less, being less lazy and less selfish.

Today was Day 1. Not bad. What helps me, is the fact that I've accepted that it's going to be hard in the beginning. It's going to be hard breaking my stupid habits at first, but it's going to get easier along the way. Soon, good habits will replace bad habits. And I shall become a better person. In time.

s1's not well. Me and s2 can't stop making fun of her. It's fun being mean.

I am at war with Biochemistry.

A girl's profile picture on facebook said 'Bride to be'. I don't even..uhh.

kbye.

Ideas.

I have all these ideas in my head. I'd give anything to be able to channel them out. In whatever form. It makes me miserable, not being able to.