Spore.

 I am feeling a bit blue because sometimes life can seem really daunting. Especially at this hour. It's almost midnight. I'm tucked between the two prongs of my pregnancy pillow, the lamp is on, and I've had my green tea. My face is washed, and I have nothing to look forward to but sleep. While I am enjoying this little bubble of Zen, I am also acutely aware of its impermanence. Life is about to change. It's about to get loud, chaotic and full. Maybe in the best of ways. But maybe part of me, the selfish, individual part of me, will miss this, and miss me and this version of my life. Maybe it's not right to call that selfish, it's only normal after all. 

Also, I'm feeling it more because H (friend and colleague) is leaving in a month. She got an opportunity she had been waiting for, and she's leaving for a few years. And while I am really happy for her, and wished this for her, I am also sad. Because soon, I won't have any of my friends in this city. I've been lucky to find the people that I did over the past 2 years, and I had a beautiful, beautiful couple of years. But now it seems like everything is ending, and yes, there are new beginnings, but as I said, life just seems daunting right now. A lot is changing. And I am sad to see people go. I've been in this place before. Friends have moved away, and I have moved away. And I have been okay despite all. So yes, I understand, such is life. But I am allowed some sadness and some nervousness, right? I don't know what life will be like in the next few years. Yes, there's baby, and then eventually everything else. Goals that I have set for myself. Will I be up to the task? Will I make the timing work for me? I don't know. And thinking of everything only makes me want to go slide deeper under my blanket right now, and slow down the clock. I like this little limbo I am in right now. The calm before the storm. The pause before the chaos. I know I should not overthink, but when has that ever stopped me?