Psych Rant

 I have two weeks off from work. Today is day 1. 

I had leftover kunafah from this Yemeni restaurant with tea, and it was so good. Morning was made. I don't have a lot on my to do list today. Don't know if that's good or bad. Oh crap. I have to call mom. So I'll do that before I forget. Okay did that. My mom cries every now and then, when we video call. She says she misses me. 'Kahan chali gyi ho?/Where have you gone?' And I say it's okay, and I make light it of it. And it's not my style to do that. Usually I would just cry with her. But somehow I don't. Somehow, I act okay and it works. Fake it till you make it I guess.

I've been a little homesick lately. It comes in waves. I try not to think about it, because what else am i going to do? 

I went to explore the nearby library today. 

The other day me and work colleagues went out for pizza. Stayed out for 3-4 hours, after which my jaws hurt from laughing and my voice cracked from talking so much. What a wonderful feeling. I inundate them with stories of pakistan. Social culture, language, slang, mannerisms, food, cricket. I find my self talking about home so much. That's comes as a bit of a surprise to me, but I'm glad to represent. 

It's day 6 or 7 today. Its raining this morning. The view from my window is dreamy. Trees, houses, a grey sky. And rain so imperceptible, you have to stare at tiny puddles on rooftops to notice the micro splashes, to know it's really raining. 

If i think about it. Success to me, is connection and fulfillment. Knowing you are good, are able to do good, and have enough money to live comfortably which is of course subjective. But peak success I think, is having, forming, sustaining genuine connections. Being loved, being understood, seen, supported. Laughing, crying, sharing, feeling that golden rush of emotion, the spark that lights your soul as it flows through you. The other day, I was thinking about what would be a good reason for me to bring a child into this world. And I thought for me, it could be a way to experience a love that transcends most other types of love. The ability to expand, not just physically but emotionally and mentally to make room for...more.. of everything. I think that would be reason enough.

Damn, this post has been sitting in my drafts for some time. I better post it.