Baby, you have no idea.

 At times I wonder.

What did I do? What have I really done, to be loved this way. 

Last night I was re-watching La La land, and there's a line in there that says 'Why do you say 'Romantic' as if it's a bad word?'. And then I found my heart breaking over the beauty of some of the scenes. And i thought to myself. Love, is really all that matters. Or at least, it's one of the big ones isn't it. Or maybe the biggest? I'm also reading a book called All about love. And she too talks about how we just don't talk about Love that often. Maybe we don't know how to. We do make attempts. With our movies and poems and art and books. But have we really figured it out? No, i don't think so. It's ever elusive. It escapes us. Its bigger than us. Describing it, defining it, is containing it and reducing it. It has to be Felt. Lived. Shared. Screamed. Breathed. 

Coming back to me feeling loved. Wanted. Appreciated. It is the greatest privilege of all. When old friends tell you they've always missed you and you're still their go-to person. When a stranger waves at you excitedly every time you run into them. When your cat recognizes your scent even though you don't live with her anymore. When she lets your pet her. When you allow yourself to disintegrate from stress, someone picks you up and brings you ice cream. When you celebrate in the middle of the road. Not alone. Knowing someone. To have been seen. Even missing someone, mourning someone. That's love. The absence of someone is love as well. Wanting to be loved is love as well. It exists even in non existence. Like God. Well. Let's dial back a bit. 

What I mean is. What did I do? To have love surround me this way? Why is it that when I go for a walk, I feel the sky loves me too. The wind, the trees. Why does it feel that it's all for me? Why do I get to bathe in beauty this way? Woe to anything that makes love take a backseat. 

A rush. A glance. A touch. A dance. 

A look in somebody's eyes, to light up the skies

To open the world and send it reeling

A voice that says, I'll be here

And you'll be alright.

Savalanche.

 I have always felt like God has me under His wing. I do complain, and fret and whine and sulk. About mostly everything. But inside, I know He got me. And I got this. I've also always known that I am great company. Lately I've had the privilege of  spending a ton of time by myself and with myself. And it has been a riot. Yesterday for the first time, I went to watch a movie alone. I am so mad at myself for not having done it sooner. I had the absolute best time. Can't wait to go again. 

I've been reading again. Getting in touch with old friends. Haven't made any new ones but that's alright for now. I've been walking. Smiling to myself with a jump in my step as I do so. At times it takes me by surprise how at ease I am, being this way. I think of course, the reason it comes easy is because I am loved. I am alone, but I'm not lonely. I have love around me and love waiting for me and I am waiting for it and looking forward to it as well. It's what keeps me going. 

I am also grateful. Incredibly and incredulously so. Are things too good to be true? Well, I know a curve ball awaits me somewhere in the near future. It will be either this or that. But it will be something or the other. But I guess that's okay. For now, I'm nourished. I'm grateful to have the space and time to pause. To recharge. To play hooky a little bit longer. Things will be dealt with. Curve balls will be hit out of the park or dropped or get my nose broken with. We'll just have to see. 

Till then. Smile! 

Cat hair.

 *fingers crossed* 

This is my sixth attempt to write a blogpost in the past two months. The other five are rotting in the Drafts section. I'll try to write and quickly publish before I can have a second thought.

What prompted me to write however was a feeling of bliss. Slightly melancholic, yet bliss nonetheless. 

Its 10 am and its just me in the house. Living alone can do wonders for your soul. I think I want to do this for longer but these few days are all I have. Anyway, coming back to what prompted me to write. Just a tummy full of yummy breakfast. A steaming cup of tea. The rain is loud and fat outside. Dim lights. Cold room. Chocolate covered almonds. And Only murders in the building. This show has pleasantly surprised me. I'm quite enjoying it. Just heard some thunder. This moment is perfect. Hence, the urge to write. And maybe save.

I've always enjoyed being on my own to be honest. Such liberation. I'm glad that hasn't changed. With time and trouble. There is a reunion of sorts happening inside me. Meeting parts of myself again. The ones I didn't have time for, amidst deadlines and dread. I'm walking again. And practicing yoga whenever I can. I think, maybe, lately everything has been an exercise in some way to meet myself. The old and the new. I love both. Both are me. 

I have this urge to write and write and write. Imperfect words all of them. All my disjointed thoughts. I feel I must describe everything. 

Gratitude comes easy. Peace somehow doesn't. I mean. Sometimes all this emotion. I wish I could dial it down. Just sometimes. Enough so that I don't have to google my cat's feelings and cry over them. Or enough to feel like I do deserve the boundaries i struggle to create. 

My tea is getting cold. I do hope I go outside and spend some time on the porch. Dim lights are nice, but nothing beats daylight. I smile as i type this. Because I had a sticky note next to my bed back when I lived at the hostel. It said 'Nothing beats daylight'. I'm glad some things never change.

Isn't it funny how. Love without action can be quite useless? I have an abundance of love inside me. But imparting it, often exhausts me beyond capacity. If only feeling it were enough. What a world that would be. But i guess. Good things don't come easy. This just reminded me of the Work and energy principle we studied in physics. I just googled it and look what i found :

A person that holds a heavy object does no physical work because the force is not moving the object through a distance. Work, according to the physics definition, is being accomplished while the heavy object is being lifted but not while the object is stationary. 

Well. Well. I guess holding all the love doesn't amount to shit. You gotta keep it moving. That's when the work happens.

Okay I think that's enough for today. Pressing Publish. Yes!