Habits.

 Today, i woke up feeling pensive. 

Then i carried that feeling on me through out the day. 

It was supposed to be a slow day, a me day. 

Did start out that way. I had a sleepy breakfast. Watched Dave Chappelle on SNL. I am not a fan on SNL. Anyone who wants to feel offended by that can go right ahead and do that. But Saturday Night Live is not funny. But with Dave it was. And then i watched another 30 min long show of his and decided that i find him to be pretty special. I remember the first time i saw him was when he interviewed James Lipton on Inside the Actor's Studio and i was like, who is this guy? And he must be a big deal if James chose him for the job. Well, now i know.

Anyway, enough about him. More about me.

So. I was having my slow day. I watched some Dave chappelle in bed. Then my tailor came and i dealt with him. And then I put on some music and tidied up the room at a snail's pace. It was good. And then. A came back from golf and proposed that we go out and get fish tacos from this place we tried the other day. So we did. Things got a little dark cloudy for a while. A hint of a storm. But then it settled. No harm done.

I was still pensive. I had some green tea. Went out for a walk. And boy oh boy oh boy oh BOY do i love to walk. It cleansed my soul. It did. the trees, the shadows, the chilly air on my face, the little growing ache in my feet, the flush in my cheeks. I think i feel most alive when i am out on a walk, in good weather, all by myself. I feel complete and content in myself. Which begs the question of why i don't do it more often? Sigh. I don't know. I do know but. I don't know.

Met s1 for green tea after my walk/run. She vented and i vented. Detox with tea-tox she called it. Why yes it certainly was. A picked me up from there and we came back home. 

There's chicken in the oven and baked potatoes downstairs. I don't think i will eat that. Because its around 11 pm and i have to sleep because work tomorrow.

I'm still pensive. Which is why i'm writing in here. Its pretty quiet in here. That's good. There's Mathew mcConaughey on Tv talking about his new memoir. About how he has been journaling for 36 years. Maybe i will write a memoir too someday. Or maybe this is my memoir right here.

It's so funny how i think having 3 cups of green tea in a day will clear the smog in my mind. It won't. 

Joe biden won btw. Okayfineeveryoneknows. Just documenting for the sake of it. Moving on.

I know exactly the three things that make me feel most alive. 

- Feeling connected, understood, seen. A stimulating conversation. The kind where you either shiver or get really warm because of how worked up you've gotten. The kind after which you feel full. Full to the brim everywhere in your body you feel rested. All your neurons were on fire and now they're settling in a warm glow. The afterglow of a great conversation. Where you were you. Safely you. And you were Seen. And the world didn't end. 

- Nature.

- Being productive. Whether its work, working out, or sorting shit out. Doing things that need to be done. Checking shit off checklists. Decluttering. Refusing to drown in the 'to-do's and coming out on top. Coming out way ahead. Winning. Small wins. Big wins. Having pushed myself. Facing fear. Big fears. Little fears. Plodding on. All that.

Currently, everything is lukewarm at best.

Do you know I just write and never edit? Which is why shit sounds so disjointed most of the time. But maybe i want to keep it that way. 

Shit. Still feeling pensive.