Just keep swimming.

Life is so shit, that it doesn't even feel real anymore. It doesn't feel real to me. I'm inside someone else's life Like all those people were, in that horrendous John Malkovic movie.
I need to pass days. One day at a time. That is the goal.
Spent some time lying on my back, on the roof. Saw a shooting star. Made me smile. Orionid meteor shower and all.
Now i need to pass the night. 

Look up. Look in.

The room is really quiet. It’s almost May and summer is here so the world is loud and moving. But here, inside my room. The fan is off. The a.c is off. I’m oddly comfortable. I can hear some birds. 

My heart is hammering inside my chest. 90 bpm at least. It’s the tea. Can you believe it? Just the tea. I could fall asleep right now if it weren’t for the heart. Unrestrained. Unleashed. Not really. It rained sometime during the night. I was up till 5. In bed. Unable to fall asleep. Listening to a podcast. Acutely aware of the comforts I take for granted. Im acutely aware now. My egg and cheese sandwich was divine. The tea was good. I smell nice, from last nights shower. I prayed this morning. Everything is so different now. In so many ways, I’ve come so far. I’ve moved on. I’ve moved away. There’s an abundance of uncertainty. Hints of an impending chaos. Yet. An overwhelming sense of ‘everything will be alright’. 

I must go sit with my parents. Then maybe nap a little. The heart has slowed down somewhat. 

Went to the library today with N. Forced myself out of bed. Two cups of coffee, bad tacos, and a a ton of studying later me and her went outside to thaw ourselves in the sun. The AC was killing me. 

We sat on the bench. I almost lied down. Closed my eyes. And we talked. Just about life, nothing major. I love that time of the sky when it starts to turn its late orange into my favourite shade of blue, hesitantly so. I love the quietening down of things. I saved that moment in my head. It was one of the good ones. 

The morning is beautiful. Second day in a row I’ve been up at 7. Sleep experiments and what not. Woke up a number of times. N called at 2:30 in the morning. To say that she was out driving and that it was raining. I made breakfast. Brought it outside. I’m wearing purple nail colour. A nice summery one. Of course it’s not mine. It’s cold. This flimsy shirt ain’t helping. It’s May, I know. But the wind is cold and fresh. And the world is very bright. My heart has been washed clean. I feel happy. Yep. Just..Happy right now. 

Decisions, decisions. I took two days off from my regular routine, just to give myself time to actively think. Reflect, ponder, self analyse, re evaluate and such. I thought in silence. I camped out in s2s room and thought out loud. I texted with N. Called V. Asked s1. Wrote in my journal. Wrote in my phone. Delved real deep. To figure out what I want. And what is right. What is right for me. All to avoid trapping myself in something that I won’t be able to get out of. I am so afraid of that. Feeling trapped. Irreversible shit. There needs to be an Out window. A fire escape. A secret exit. To everything. I need those. But then I can get really abnormal about these things. So I try to not take myself too seriously. 

Ah. I need me a serious dose of wisdom. I wish I had a Gandalf. 

Curious.

I’ve been sleeping poorly. Poorly is an understatement. Last night I got a (medicated) six hour stretch of unbroken sleep and woke up in a daze. A happy daze. Snuggled up with mom on the sofa and annoyed her by throwing week old balloons around. Breakfast was a boiled egg. It’s raining a little bit. Walked to the nearest place to get some coffee. I’m mad about fresh mornings. The coffee machine was broken. They apologised. I smiled and said it was okay. Came back home. Got some home Made coffee, grabbed my book and came up to the terrace. I’m cold. The coffee is so so bitter, just the way I like it. Goes straight to the brain. I’m listening to an instrumental where the guy is using something called a Hangdrum. Very soothing. Perfect reading music. My shoes are blue and grey fluff. Like the sky right now. It’s 3 pm. Feels like 10 am. There’s a new bird around my house. It makes a lot of noise. I just saw it. Looks like any other bird, but I’m not wearing my glasses so I can’t really say. But why does it talk so much? 

It’s raining again. Softly. The drops are fatter now. I’m still cold. Even though I’m wearing my cape shawl. I’ll go inside when my phone dies and the hangdrum stops. 6%. 

February.

I feel a quiet bliss inside my chest. An almost silent drumming of melancholy too. A calmness, comfortably cold. And an urgency. A ceaseless, incessant fluttering of a heart overflowing with love, and kindness that I must give back. Always and more. 

The other side.

I had a minor epiphany the other day. Following a short rant to s1 about everything that was on my mind, I thought (out loud, over text) ‘I think I am trying too hard’. To which she replied ‘yes, you are’. Validation: Check. ✅

 So I decided to disengage. Detach. Untangle. From everything, everything that I’ve taken upon myself to fix. It was weighing me down and debilitating me. I need to face and accept my limits. I can not fix every one and every thing so why am I even trying to? Why am I worrying myself sick over things that are beyond my control? Maybe I can do better. Maybe I can help this way. Maybe if I just did this one thing, the situation will change for the better. In trying to assuage this constant guilt of ‘am I not helping enough?’ I’ve managed to create permanent wrinkles in my heart and it has started to hurt. I am exhausted. It’s time to take two steps back and breathe. 

Easier said than done though. Ugh. Easier said than done. 

Today was a day of breaking rules. I woke up really late. Pressed snooze at least 18 times. Had a royal breakfast in s2’s room where we watched Gilmore girls and lazied around for hours. Emily Gilmore is my favourite btw. Took a good shower, and wore very matching clothes with matching socks. Red. Then dad called and requested our presence. So hung out with parents for a bit and ended up lecturing them them about some important issues. Went for a walk with s2 and got coffee on the way. I’ve been off caffeine for a while now. Well not caffeine. Just coffee. Long story why but anyhow. I got me some coffee and boy was it fulfilling. Me and S2 walked for two hours and shared our grievances about the world and it’s many people. The sound of shoes on gravel is most pleasing to my ears. Especially when it’s dark and cold outside. And silent. Also aeroplanes in the dark. Isn’t it fascinating how something seemingly insignificant like watching aeroplanes in the sky can come to mean so much to you? Moving on. I got home after the walk and decided to not study at all. Spent an hour or so talking to V about mental health. THEN. Ordered fried chicken and Chips around midnight. What? And watched black mirror. Now I’m in bed. 

I like brave people. I even like the word Brave. I want to be brave. I think if I had a doggo, I’d call him brave. Instead of Wolfgang which has been my preference for a while. 

The new year has begun. We spent the night around remnants of a bonfire that is rekindled at the last night of every year. We sit around the fire and talk about our hopes and fears and what makes us who we are. I couldn’t sleep all night though. 7 am, a splitting headache, frozen feet and an unquiet heart. Realised that my relationships have more of an affect on me than anything else.