Wednesday, October 19, 2016

The space behind a waterfall.

I agreed to go out with s1 and help her do wedding shopping the other day. I'm a silent partner, who occasionally stops her from doing and thinking stupid things. So we did some shopping but also ended up buying non shaadi things with money we couldn't afford to spend. I got some fried donuts on the way back and got dropped to Ns place where she made tea for us both and we hung out in her room till my mom called asking about my whereabouts after which I went home. At home s1 wanted to watch a movie and I suggested we watch It's a Wonderful life. And so we did and I really really enjoyed it. I'm watching Spellbound right now and I have realised that I like Ingrid Bergman. She looks classy. I woke up in a pleasant state of mind this morning but then things took a bad spin and I was in a foul mood for the rest of the afternoon. So I showered and ate chai with rusk after a long time and then no one was home except s1 who was in her room so I went and sat on the steps in our porch and just sat there thinking and gazing into the void in my mind. This was interrupted by a phonecall, it was dad and he sounded so heavy and stressed out that I ended up counselling him about it for half an hour. This put me in a cleaning mood so i spent the next hour clearing out the junk in my tiny room. This made me hungry. So I had some chicken with nandos sauce and boiled channay. And a million little marshmallows. Now my stomach is full of pink sponge. V said today that we should talk and I was in the mood to walk because winter intoxicates me and I need a fix everyday by which i mean that I must do something to respect the season daily. Walking in the littlebitcold breeze does the job. So does gazing at the moon btw. So yeah, I was in a walking mood therefore I went to walk and we talked and we also talked about this guy I know of who hung himself and I can't stop thinking about every thought he must have had and V said you're going to make me cry stop it. So I did and we talked about less morbid things. I am finally done with my book about meditation and the bit I really liked was about how being compassionate is actually good for you. Over the time I have grown quite weary of people telling me to be more selfish and always keeping your guard up and not letting people take you for granted etcetera. I mean yes okay, all good points and useful advice I'm sure. But. Where are all the people who will tell me to be kinder, to be more generous and humble, to point out the good things in a person before the not-so-good ones? I wish I was kinder. And braver. Enough to go beyond the petty bs that we indulge in every day. I try. 'Try harder' a voice in my head tells me. Yeah okay. I've been thinking about the hostel a lot lately. I miss it terribly. I could talk about this for a long time. Recounting every small insignificant thing that I love and miss about that place. That place and the person i was when I was there. I remember missing it even before I had moved out. I often end up missing people and places in their presence. I don't live in the present. At times I wonder if I live anywhere but the present. I have realised this recently, well no. Ive always been aware of my habit of zoning out, staying lost in thoughts for hours on end but what I've realised just recently is that this needs to change. I need to learn to be mindful of the present. The now. The Abhi. Ye. This. It's going to take a lot of effort but what is it that they say, knowing the problem is half the solution, right? So I guess I'm in a good place Np. Smiling at people is charity. Isn't that a wonderful thing? I must sleep now. Before that I will read some more. A filler book before I start a better one. Then I will think and contemplate over life and start dreaming in fragments which is the trend in my world these days. Boxes need to be closed and stacked way back in my head. Exhausting. Anyway.
That's all for now.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

An existential itch.

I read an article the other day that said that writing for 20 minutes every day for good for a person. You can write about anything and it's not important to save it. What's important is that you put something out there and do it for twenty minutes. I think a lot of people, myself included, struggle with consistency. Forming habits is hard. Keeping at it. Requires self discipline. I love self discipline. I am a wild goat. But I would like to be better.

My dad and I ate our breakfast in silence. There was no Tv, and I didn't have my phone. He didn't have his newspaper. We just sat and he munched on his paratha+Egg roll and me on my sandwich. I interrupted the silence occasionally with stories about the dreams I had, and he showed interest. He asked me when my break was ending, and i told him. I reminded him that we are out of coffee, and that I need a paintbrush for my new hobby. When i was done with breakfast, I lingered for a while and then came back to my own room. A while ago, he knocked and entered and asked me what i was doing and I pointed to the paperwork around me. Then he left. I went to his room just now and told him what the maid had decided to cook and he seemed okay with it. I asked him if there was any way we could get coffee now but he said he'd bring it on his way back in the evening so i said alright.

I went to my friend's place today. Another friend joined us there. Her mom served us cold coffee which chocolate ice cream and that made me so happy because just this morning i was thinking about how when we were kids her mom had made us cold coffee and i had loved it. And today after all those years, i had that again. We talked and ate and played table tennis in her basement. I really enjoyed myself and I wish i could've stayed the night but dad said not today, so i said okay. My friend also told me about a really good thing she did today. Went out of her way to help a stranger. I was really impressed that she did that. Made me feel happy about the world.

The weather is finally changing. And like every year, it comes loaded with nostalgia. I love to wake up in the morning and scrunch up the blinds to let the sun in. I wish i did this at 8 am everyday, instead of noon. Dad reached here late last night and mom made some really yummy mutton chops. We devoured them. Me and s2 watched Deep Water Horizon yesterday and I loved how the movie theatre was almost empty. It was just us and two other people. The ticket guy said, go sit wherever you want. That was nice. s2 ran and sat on the recliners and I made her get up because we hadn't paid for those and i didn't want any trouble. I am a scaredy cat like that. I have started walking again. I enjoy it immensely. I like to see old people walk, people walking their dogs, guys playing basketball and such.

I am very much affected by the weather. The wind enters me and physically lifts up my spirit. Whoosh. And the rain settles the sandstorm in my heart. And washes my heart clean. Splat splat. The cold calms me down and turns blood red diamonds to grass green ones. This almost-winter air smells of healing. Every morning I breathe it in, it tells me that every thing will be okay. And I find myself whispering it back.

N's little sister tagged along to drop me back home today and out of nowhere she said
'Hey did you get a cat?'
Me: ...yes I did. (Lie. I dont know why she even asked that)
Her: really? Where is it?
Me: It's at home ofc.
Her: okay what breed is it?
Me: ... Siamese. (N laughed and said 'I'm sure that's the only breed you know of')
Her: okay what's her name?
Me: cabbage.
Her: what? Why would you name a Siamese cabbage?
Me: well because she looks like one.
Then she laughed and said that she missed me.
We reached home and I was waiting for someone to open the gate and i stood there for five minutes and she yelled from the car 'Are you sure you want to go home?' haha. I said yes.

That's all for now.