Intermittent.

 You know what I am really craving right now? Going to someone's house for tea. Or dinner. Or lunch. Not a family gathering, no. Those are tedious and have too many aunties. I want to go to a friend's house. A couple of friends just hangin' out. There was a time when this was possible. Not anymore though. Everyone lives here and there. Somewhat like British Asian actor Ahsan Khan. Iykyk.

On the other hand, swimming has been going super. I've had some hiccups. But my freestyle has improved a great deal and I am so proud of myself. No one is interested in my enthusiasm regarding this but i tell everyone nonetheless. A shows interest. I report to him my swimming updates everyday. About how my goggles were bothering me and how I fixed them, and he suggested what I could do to get a better fit. I tell him about the women who come to swim at the same time I do. The old aunty who can't really walk but swims. Their conversations. I tell him how clean the water was on a certain day. How I like it when I can see sunshine in the water halfway through the length, a patch where the sun leaks through the roof. How, when I get the pool all to myself, I break all rules and swim diagonally across it. Sometimes in circles. Sometimes I imagine I'm training for something. For a day when I'll have to swim in the sea. Other times, I'm happy to just build on my relationship with the water. At times I glide so effortlessly through the water, i wonder if it looks as beautiful as it feels. Who knows. At least in my mind it does.

Just finished watching Emily. It's based on Emily Bronte. Now I must begin the process of separating fact from fiction, and google will help. In any case, at times movies that make me feel things. it can be a double edged sword. Because then I too want more adventure. Connection. More connection. More experiences. And more..just. My kind of more. 

V said I don't mention her in my blog. It's weird that I haven't. I guess I used to when we lived together but not anymore. Which is also weird because we do talk every day. Great thing about V is. She asks many questions. She's curious about the weirdest things and it gives one something to talk about. Not that we have ever had an issue finding something to talk about. I hope I can visit soon. Sooner rather than later. Fingers crossed. 

I do also want to mention cricket. I wish i could be poetic af about it. But its too late at night and my head hurts. But. The amount of joy and exhilaration Pakistan cricket has given me and my friends s2 and mr.s2, it was something special. Definitely outstanding. I think I am officially a cricket fan. Now there's Fifa and I'm a little slow to get on the bandwagon. But I'll get there.

I don't know how much more of this limbo I can take. I am also tired of silently dealing with the toll it takes. Some days are hard. And some nights are really hard. But then there are days when I am okay. I hope the ratio shifts to the latter. 

 The melatonin's kicking in. 

Maybe you should talk to someone.

 I just finished reading 'People we meet on vacation'. Light hearted, yet tender with a dash of idealism and cheese. Finished it in 3 days. Exactly what I needed. But now I miss A more and want to travel the world together. We won't be delirious with untapped chemistry and volcanic sparks like the lead characters in the book are. I'd take marriage over that any day. But I also think OD-ing on contemporary romantic fiction is not a very good idea when you're stuck in a long distance relationship. Hmmm.

The past week has been good. s2 and Mr.s2 came over and stayed for three days. It was more fun than I expected it to be. The days flew by. They left today, and the house is silent. I had the laziest day. I ate and I slept and I read on repeat. And its already 10 pm. Feels like 6. 

A maid that we had living with us for the past few years, left today. I cried as she packed up her life from the room next to mine and left. I hid in the washroom so I won't have to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes. I don't know why I had to hide though. Isn't this a normal reaction to someone leaving? To be sad and cry and mourn their absence no matter who they are?

 

So in other news. I got covid. What a weird time to get it. Out of the blue. I'm drinking a disgusting ginger tea to soothe my thorny throat. Binging on Greys' anatomy. Yes I still watch it and I love Meredith Grey, sue me. My new swimsuit is here, I'm so excited. It's so skimpy. Last night I was on video call with A and he was sticking our polaroid photos on his fridge. And I started to cry. Long distance is a bitch. Ouch my stomach hurts.

At night, I am inundated with feelings. The ones that threaten to drown me. Consume me. When the time comes, I fear it will feel like I'm getting married all over again. Leaving my family to go live somewhere else, with another family. Only this time, I can't come back on weekends. I tell myself this will only be for a few years, but for someone who is as bad at goodbyes as I am. That's no consolation. I know we will find a new normal. I know I will visit. And I know life doesn't stay the same and at some point we have to venture out and experience it separately from our families. But it doesn't stop me from feeling these heavy feelings that drown my heart. When it feels like I can't bear it. Daylight, of course makes everything better. Tolerable. But at night, I resent my soft heart. It is not easy to feel so much all the time. So much that you are googling  'How to care less about your cat's feelings' at 6 am in the morning. It's tough, being soft. 

I am so bored. And it has only been two days of me being in my room. I am SO bored. How much tv can a girl watch? I don't have energy to do much else. Showering and eating are pleasurable, yes. But what do i do the rest of the time? Maybe. Maybe I should write write and write some more. Maybe I will do that. Ugh. 

BYE.