Versus.

I'm here in the other city. I'm up on the terrace. Dragged an office chair out and here I am. Sitting in silence. I can smell tea being made somewhere nearby. I can hear women conversing in a language - fuck. A mosquito just bit me. This isn't worth it. I'm going inside. 

 This has been a month of catching up with old friends. Its a joy to know that we are able to talk for hours after not talking for years. After quietly existing in each other's lives with barely a text or two, it is great that our hearts are still warm and toasty and there's no ice to break.

 Can I say that this might be my favourite time of the year? The rolling in of winter. The wrapping up, and drying up and packing away of summer with it's heat and its noise. A stillness slowly settling in. The silence of no fans and no A.Cs. The faint smell of ilaichi on my evening walks. Oh how nostalgic and how wonderful. It's funny that A was born at the start of winter and I was born at the end. Just an observation.

 The other day I listened to a podcast about loneliness and connection. They said loneliness is the disparity between the connections you have and the connections you need. Accurate isn't it? I liked that. 

 Swimming is going better. I'm not in the city these days and I already miss it. At times I start to get frantic with my face in the water, trying to get enough breath in, and to move my legs right and my arms right and my head right. But then I remind myself to let go. To be in the water. Actually BE in the water and not fight it. And before I know it, my body unclenches and relaxes and suddenly I breathe better and then I swim better. Isn't it fascinating how there are lessons in literally everything?

 I have to say. I have said it before but I'll say it again. Making my parents laugh is one of my biggest joys in life. And watching them bicker with each other. What a treat. What a privilege to have grown up around a love like that. A love with laughter and madness. A love that stays.

 One way to describe my relation with A would be that he is the wind beneath my wings. I'm thinking I'll write that on his birthday card next month. So that he knows.

Of no help.

 Something that I really appreciate about my parents is how they let me be in my room. I mean, yes I am an adult and staying here indefinitely, not for too long hopefully. But I'm still their kid. And it's refreshing to be left by myself. It's 2 pm. And i can hear them watch TV downstairs, but they don't care. They don't give a shit about what im up to. How refreshing. It makes me want to spend more time with them. Because I get to choose. Little freedoms can mean a great deal at times.

*

The other day i tripped and fell, while walking. I haven't fallen down in a while. Or had my palm scratched on gravel. It was so nostalgic. Funny isn't it. Anyhow turns out that my feet have betrayed me. I can't seem to continue walking for long hours anymore without it feeling like i have somehow offended the earth itself causing it to attack my toes every step i take. Bummer. BUT. I had my first swim today. After maybe a decade? Or more. Loved feeling the water around my skin. Not on my skin, just around it. What a feeling. 

*

The other night i wrote an entire blog post in my head about all the ways therapy has helped me. Maybe I will write one eventually. Maybe i won't. But the awareness of how far I've come, the work I've done, the persistence with which I have fought for myself, to be myself, is something I am so proud of. Maybe proud is not the right word. Its more like comfort. An assurance. A warm blanket. It is me being on my team. Me coaching me and me cheering for the me who is on the field. That on its own, has been quite the experience and I'm glad for it.

*

Today has been odd. In due consideration of my hormones and shit as fuck mood, the entire day was spent on the bed. Binging on Ted Lasso. A show after my own heart. Eating chocolate and banana bread. Journaling. Napping. Sulking. Frowning constantly. Listening to Brene Brown try to explain emotions. Hiding from guests for 4 hours. And crying a little bit. Its almost midnight and it feels like .. I don't know. 4 pm? or 10 pm? I don't know. I am down in the dumps and i don't even feel like picking myself up. I just don't have the energy. 

*

Things were better today, even though it seemed impossible. Did a lot of sorting and getting things ready for Monday which is an important day for me. I hope all goes well. I went swimming again today. There was a cockroach in my slipper. I felt it on my foot. Prickly. I told A this happened and he said You must've died right there, and i said yeah. I was pretty stunned for a bit. And then I tried to be brave about it. But I am still curling my toes right now, thinking about it. ICK! 

I got to talk to A for longer today. 

*

The funk continues. Despite a great weekend with a quick solo trip outside the city, wholesome reunion with two friends, and a very, very good news. I still feel low. And did not go swimming today either. Watched a hundred videos about proper breathing techniques under water, but did not end up going in said water. Great. I think it's time that i force myself to make some changes. To push myself out of the funk. No one else can or will do it. So. Tomorrow, hopefully. 

Enough paragraphs. Time to hit publish.