I am wearing a Led zeppelin shirt and listening to taylor swift. The best thing about today's walk is that I'm not thinking about much. I'm listening to some music and I'm taking in the beauty of this cold December night. There are so many trees here. My face is cold but I'm warm all over. My legs hurt but it's the good kind of hurt. I'm wearing gloves too. They look brand new but they must be a decade old. 

I'm now home and In bed. Something funny happened earlier. I was on my way home from work in a cab and I randomly opened posts of mine from 2012 and damn. So much is so exactly the same. I think. That. The stuff I write about hasn't changed much. The stuff I don't write about has changed a lot. So maybe what I've always written in here is the filtered trickled down stuff. The messy bit is lost somewhere in real time. Hmmm. But that's not so bad either. 

Work was good today. I took a two hour nap in between. Isn't that the best? Isn't that the dream? Napping at work. I was so groggy when I got back to my station. So okay here's a confession. I love my work. I whine about it all the time but really I love being there. I love the people I work with. I like how I've improved with time. How I've fought through anxiety and panic and settled into a nice comfortably stretch. At least that's good isn't it? Yesterday I had a good conversation with one of my favorite seniors about work-life balance and following ones passion. We both agreed on how being in medicine can be a very gratifyign vocation. It drives you mad yes and you're never not exhausted but then. There are those moments. When you know you've helped someone. When you've done a good job. Maybe even over exerted yourself to make someone else feel better. Those moments make it all worth it. Sounds cliche but its true. And I'm grateful that I have those moments very often. They give everything meaning. 

I have work tomorrow. On a Sunday which will continue till Monday evening. Ugh. I hope it goes well. I just got back from a walk in dense dense fog. Couldn't see anything. Felt like I was walking in a cloud. Took that in. Inhaled the grey white nothingness. I feel good. It's 9 pm. The anxiety octopus is trying to squiggle it's dangly arms in my brain trying to latch on to any stray thought. I'm trying to keep it at bay. Damn damn. The smell of biryani is driving me crazy. The window is slightly ajar. My feet are almost inside the heater and this beautiful biryani scent. Damn. 

I'm going to have dinner now. 

Why are american action movies obsessed with Plutonium? 

Will I do a new years post as well? Hmmm. 

Save your tears for another day.

 Its 8 pm on a sunday. Im home. A has gone to meet a friend. I would call my sister/s over but i'm in a fight with them. I checked with two of my work friends but that didn't work out either. I've already called mom once today. If i call her more than that, she's going to think something is wrong and i don't want that. 

I'm usually quite okay, and even happy being alone. Having this time to myself. But something is off today. It's making me feel lonely. 

Something very different happened the other night. A calls it a breakthrough. It was. Some thing inside me snapped and i broke down. Broke free rather - now that i think about it. But amidst the breaking, and the sobbing and feeling like my eyes were balloons on fire, there was him. Wiping my tears, holding my hands. Letting me break. Collecting the pieces and putting them back over and over. Putting them back better. For every  'i feel mad' and 'there's something wrong with me', there was 'i've got you', 'i've got you', 'i've got you'. I woke up feeling different. Warmer. A little more complete. Soul a little unclenched. 

I just started watching Parfum. On netflix. Ugh. Why did i choose this? Why are sperm whales called sperm whales? Okay i just googled it. Boring answer. Never mind. 

Which reminds me. I met an old friend of mine yesterday. A quick dinner. She's here from another country. She was happy to see me, and i think she thinks too highly of me. Its sweet. And it made me feel good. Of course. Damn this is going to be one sick show. What did i expect. I've seen the movie. Ugh. 

I'm starting to get hungry. I also want to colour. 

Didn't i have lots and lots to write in here? Well i did write about 7 pages in my journal just the other day. So maybe i'm all talked out. 

I'm never all talked out.

Bye.

Leaves.

 Winter is here. We got the heater on last night. Even the smell of natural gas accumulating in the room was heaven to me. Love, love, love everything about this season. The beginning, the short middle, and the lingering end that we desperately latch on to as February ends. Love it all. Well, except the feeling of not being able to fit into last year's cute sweater tops. :))))))) THAT is shit. Proper shit. 

I took the day off from work today. Had to go to college for some document work. And then the bank. This and that. Got up early and was done by 11. Felt super productive. Watched the first episode of The Crown season 4 ofc. I thought i wouldn't watch but i couldn't stop myself, and finished the entire episode. A is still on season 3. Elizabeth Debicki is great as Diana. So far. Full marks from me. So far. 

Guess what i'm doing. I'm in the middle of unpacking 4 suitcases full of me and A's winter wardrobe and right in the middle of it, i've sat down to write this. Because i was listening to this talk on youtube by Dr. Nicole Lepera. Ive been following her page on instagram for a while, and i love almost everything she has to say. The one im watching right now is - well here's the link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knVfc_B0W6E

Good stuff. So the reason I came here to write was because of a thought i had over the weekend regarding boundaries and self care. See, there was this event i had comitted to attend. A mini weddingy event of a college friend of mine who i hadn't met in really long time. Well. A year. And she was going to leave the country for a few months after this. We are close. And had been making plans to meet up off and on but something else always came up. Or we were too busy. The usual. Now, the day of the said event. I got pulled into some other commitments and by the time it was time for me to get ready and go, i really didn't want to. Couldn't summon the energy to. I was so tired, and had a long work day later. I was looking for someone to tell me that it was okay for me to not go, and to stay home and recoup. And someone did tell me that. I have been trying to focus on self care, and saying no more often, and prioritizing myself in situations like these. But a part of me kept nagging at me. That be a good friend. Be there for your friend. Its okay to exert yourself to make someone else happy occasionally. I would feel too guilty if i stayed home, and just didn't show up. SO. I did go. And i was glad i did. I did get tired. super tired. But i felt that my presence was appreciated. And it made me feel good about being a good friend and a good person.

The end. But. 

Question is. Well, i guess there's no question. It's just. I feel that we all need to find a balance. Between caring for ourselves and our needs and then on occasion, putting it all aside to focus on someone else. In doing so, you might be giving in to your people-pleasing side, but the joy of having been there for someone and being appreciated is also worth it. Point is, to do it in moderation. I personally, have trouble striking a balance. I like to people please. Mostly out of guilt, of disappointing someone rather than the joy of whatever else that i just mentioned. In the video, Nicole talks about this. I could relate very well. To resenting someone after you said yes to plan they made that you didn't want to commit to in the first place. You can project your own incapacity to be honest and upfront to them forcing the plan on you. That's not healthy. 

But there's also another thing. I wonder if it's so easy to not people-please and say no, when you don't have a strong support system, or at least 1 or 2 people in your life that you know will love you no matter how many times you say no or how much you mess up. (Does unconditional love exist? That's a whole other discussion). But what i mean is that. I read this thing a somewhat famous woman had written about her instagram where she said that none of the comments, good or bad really affect her. Because her validation of herself does not come externally. She knows who she is and as long as she approves of herself, she does not require anybody else to. But then. I wonder if that would still be the case if she wasn't in a very happy and stable marriage, with friends and family who love her. Maybe it would! Nonetheless. Point is. It's easy to tell someone to self love and self care and put your needs first if at the end of the day, they have someone at home who will cherish them and love them despite their flaws and imperfections, who will make them feel safe to be who they are. Someone to go back to after you've displeased a friend and risked a falling out. But if you're someone who does not have that kind of a relationship to fall back on - a friend, family member or partner. It's a different game no? You have to understand Why a people pleaser pleases people. To get affection, love, or sense of belonging that they are lacking in their life. They do it for fear of losing that sense of belonging that they've found by morphing themselves into what they think will make them more lovable. EVERYONE wants to be loved. Seen. Heard. Understood. And it does not come easy for most of us. Those of us privileged enough to have it, maybe need to be more mindful and empathetic towards people who don't, and who struggle to put themselves out there and can't afford self care and self love because they maybe don't know how to. I'm not saying your ability to love yourself and find contentment in yourself is not the way to go. It is definitely the way. But isn't there so much more to it? So much of being very brave and very alone before you can say well alright, screw anyone and their opinions. I am enough. Anyhow, what i'm trying to say is, that it's a complicated journey, one that I've been on myself and still am. I've been a people pleaser most of my life and in most of my relationships. Ive grown apart and away from a number of them. Is it because i love myself more, and am more sure of myself? Or is it because i've built stronger bonds out of the existing relations i do have and feel more grounded? I don't know. Maybe both. However, I still find myself letting fear and guilt drive my decisions when it comes to relationships. And i have a whole other theory to why that is. And WHENCE it started. See i used the word Whence. Im fancy.

Shit got heavy.

Im done with most of the winter wardrobe packing unpacking ordeal. 65% of it. Rest will be done whenever next i get time. 

Now i am going to call my mother. She is making me laugh. So that's good. 

Byebye. 

Habits.

 Today, i woke up feeling pensive. 

Then i carried that feeling on me through out the day. 

It was supposed to be a slow day, a me day. 

Did start out that way. I had a sleepy breakfast. Watched Dave Chappelle on SNL. I am not a fan on SNL. Anyone who wants to feel offended by that can go right ahead and do that. But Saturday Night Live is not funny. But with Dave it was. And then i watched another 30 min long show of his and decided that i find him to be pretty special. I remember the first time i saw him was when he interviewed James Lipton on Inside the Actor's Studio and i was like, who is this guy? And he must be a big deal if James chose him for the job. Well, now i know.

Anyway, enough about him. More about me.

So. I was having my slow day. I watched some Dave chappelle in bed. Then my tailor came and i dealt with him. And then I put on some music and tidied up the room at a snail's pace. It was good. And then. A came back from golf and proposed that we go out and get fish tacos from this place we tried the other day. So we did. Things got a little dark cloudy for a while. A hint of a storm. But then it settled. No harm done.

I was still pensive. I had some green tea. Went out for a walk. And boy oh boy oh boy oh BOY do i love to walk. It cleansed my soul. It did. the trees, the shadows, the chilly air on my face, the little growing ache in my feet, the flush in my cheeks. I think i feel most alive when i am out on a walk, in good weather, all by myself. I feel complete and content in myself. Which begs the question of why i don't do it more often? Sigh. I don't know. I do know but. I don't know.

Met s1 for green tea after my walk/run. She vented and i vented. Detox with tea-tox she called it. Why yes it certainly was. A picked me up from there and we came back home. 

There's chicken in the oven and baked potatoes downstairs. I don't think i will eat that. Because its around 11 pm and i have to sleep because work tomorrow.

I'm still pensive. Which is why i'm writing in here. Its pretty quiet in here. That's good. There's Mathew mcConaughey on Tv talking about his new memoir. About how he has been journaling for 36 years. Maybe i will write a memoir too someday. Or maybe this is my memoir right here.

It's so funny how i think having 3 cups of green tea in a day will clear the smog in my mind. It won't. 

Joe biden won btw. Okayfineeveryoneknows. Just documenting for the sake of it. Moving on.

I know exactly the three things that make me feel most alive. 

- Feeling connected, understood, seen. A stimulating conversation. The kind where you either shiver or get really warm because of how worked up you've gotten. The kind after which you feel full. Full to the brim everywhere in your body you feel rested. All your neurons were on fire and now they're settling in a warm glow. The afterglow of a great conversation. Where you were you. Safely you. And you were Seen. And the world didn't end. 

- Nature.

- Being productive. Whether its work, working out, or sorting shit out. Doing things that need to be done. Checking shit off checklists. Decluttering. Refusing to drown in the 'to-do's and coming out on top. Coming out way ahead. Winning. Small wins. Big wins. Having pushed myself. Facing fear. Big fears. Little fears. Plodding on. All that.

Currently, everything is lukewarm at best.

Do you know I just write and never edit? Which is why shit sounds so disjointed most of the time. But maybe i want to keep it that way. 

Shit. Still feeling pensive. 

Hello, hello, hello.

 What in the world?!

So i just logged on here after ten billion years only because - well long story but oh my lord, i clicked on the 'comments' section and there were all these unread unseen comments from years ago that had not showed up on my dashboard for some reason and i thought my blog was dead and no one had read it in years and then i just read all 38 new comments and it warmed my heart so muchhhh. This has made my day! Some are from 2017! Damn. Some of you have been reading and leaving comments. Like little elves. How nice. How nice. 

I am very happy. Its like the world has given me a nice little pat on the back. A nice little 'Keep going'. 

And so i shall.

Anyhow. 

Today is a Thursday. Around 2 pm. And im home. My hair is damp. Not straightened. I don't have make up on. Just sun screen. And moisturizer. The weather is such that we're not turning A.Cs on anymore. So its just the fan and an abundance of sunlight through the windows. That's mostly for the giant plant we have kept right next to the window. Alright so currently we have 3 plants. 

One is giant. Its literally huge. All over the place. There's no order to the leaves. They're here and there. But ive grown to love its imperfection. The way its huge and clumsy. But me and A both agreed that we liked it here. And we like it as it is. He's the one who takes care of it mostly. Notices little baby leaves and such. But i like it too. And so the curtains are pushed back so he can breathe and bask. The second plant. Is the one i have a soft corner for. Someone at A's office gave it to him. And it has grown so much. It was tiny and its stem is so delicate. Yet it grows and grows. No attitude. Just quietly growing and getting stronger. I still worry when i see the thin stems sway when the fan is on. But it seems resilient. And i would like for it to not die. And the third plant. Is a cactus. That we purchased from this organic market thing that happened over the weekend. It doesn't need any pampering. Its prickly and its in a nice little artsy pot in the washroom where he lives quietly. What i like about it is that it can be used as a weapon. I can shove it in someone's face. I shared this idea with A and he wasn't very amused.

Enough about plants. Everyone has become a plant person during Covid right? 

I think i haven't mentioned COVID in here. So. Well just for the sake of it, ill mention it cuz it is a huge thing happening globally and my blog needs to be relevant and in sync with the times. So yeah covid. Ok.

Which reminds me. I am working again. Its been 4 months now. Work is all-consuming. It eats up all my energy, all my time. I hardly get a day off. And when i do, i try to be a vegetable and re-cuperate and recharge before i get back to the grind. So what am i doing on a thursday afternoon writing this and that you might think? Well. I got sick. Stomach got really angry and really upset and there was fever and bodyaches and the whole package. So my hospital took pity on me and gave me 2 sick days. And i couldn't be happier. I slept and i slept. I watched netflix and netflix. A nice movie called the  trial of the Chicago Seven and a weird documentary about three identical strangers and a shady unethical study. This morning however, I am watching Rebecca. Its one of those classics that I've heard about ever since i was little, i know the story i know the characters, i know the references enough so when i see a meme about it i understand it. But i've never actually read it. Not going to either. *shrugs* And this movie has Armie Hammer who plays a rich guy so well. 

I woke up, i had an early breakfast. My stomach didn't reject it. Thankyouverymuch. Took a long long shower. Sorted out some clothes. Tidied up the room. Talked to mom. Wore jeans and a top. Going to change my nail colour in a while. And well. Theres this thing i should do now that i have the time. Sort out wedding pictures. Ugh. It gives me shudders to think of it. Wedding happened more than a year ago and i still haven't sorted out the wedding pictures for the album. And now im just too scared to attempt it. Maybe ill have tea and get done with it today. There are a number of tasks ive been running away from. Ill list them later. (procrastination 101). 

I've been reading about the impact stress can have on your health and how unresolved, repressed emotions can present as physical symptoms. Autoimmune diseases. What not. It's fascinating. Also a little scary. Its like being stressed about being stressed. What can you do? Well, i try. I try to calm my brain down every chance i get. I try to do comforting things for my soul and my body. I'm not great at that. And the body part is severely neglected. That stresses me out even more. But i'm trying. Just keep swimming. Right?

More and more, i've grown to like the simplicity and the quietness of my life. I'm not doing much. I work. A works. We are happy in our routine. It's comfortable. There isn't a lot of clutter. Not too much noise. I love people not knowing whats going on in my life. Unless i decide to tell them about it. Not much is for show. And i want to keep it that way. I do however want a vacation. And a lot of fun. But other than that, the quiet is nice. 

I will hopefully write in again soon. All these new(for me) comments! Going to ride this high for some time. Just you see. 

Thanks for whoever (whomever? Why do i never know which one to use? someone settle this for me) read and wrote in. Its the best feeling. I'm glad people are still writing. Still reading. And not just on Insta (eye roll). 

Till next time.

I got a little emotional thinking about this blog today. I wrote in here as a teenager right out of school, as a 20 something in med school, as a doctor, and now as a married...woman(what?) nearing 30. (WHAT?) And yet. It's still me. Same old me. I have begun to write less, too infrequently if you ask me but i have a lot more to say. It needs to be said. It needs to be heard. I need to be heard.

I can feel a molecular shift inside me. Again.

Today, it was hard to get out of bed. I wasn't too sleepy, but i stayed in anyway. Then i decided to get out but insisted on wearing pyjamas even after i had showered. I thought i'd make myself that sandwich that i make well, but then ate something else that i didn't even make. But the room is clean, and i am clean, and tummy is full. And maybe i'll have coffee in a bit.
I'm watching After life, and it's quite brilliant. And funny. How I love it when people are genuinely funny. The comedy might be a bit morbid or dark for some, but hey, i like it.
I'm waiting for an interview call.
So i was watching tv, and suddenly i missed, and really missed just sitting in a cafe, at brunch, having tea and laughing with whomever im sat opposite to. Just a good conversation, a good laugh. Good food and good tea. I miss that.
I'm gonna need new friends too.
Its June already. Half the year has gone by.
I made mango mousse yesterday on a whim and it wasn't really moussey. It was more like. Thick milkshaky. Thats okay.
Something that I like about A is that. He does well in crisis. I don't know if i'd call yesterday a crisis, but I feel like. He does well. He's a good sport when i'm having some trouble of my own. Wound up in some shit. He makes me feel i'm not alone and that it's going to be okay. And that's important right? Emotional crises however, are a different story.
I'm reading The Fourth Estate these days, did i mention?
Want to finish it already but i'm only 200 pages in.

9 good things.

Whenever i decide to write something, whether its in my journal, or here, or in the Notes section of my phone, i tend to write about what's bothering me. Whatever is gnawing at me at the moment. And more often than not, i find myself in a sullen, kind of quite melancholic state afterwards. Which is why, i often avoid writing when some thing is on my mind because i don't want to feel worse. So i'm going to force my self to write about something different today. I shall write 10 things that were good about today. Yes. Let's begin.

1. Had a really hearty time with parents this evening. For a change, I was the one eager to make conversation. I told them stories and made them laugh. I showed dad how i take my inhaler so perfectly and then coughed midway which made dad laugh. Today, i wasn't the one who got up and went to my room. Dad got up and said, okay i'm going to go pray now. And i was happy i spent that time with them.

2. I looked nice in my grey and silver clothes.

3. I stopped for a bit at s2's. We caught up and complained about things to each other and its so funny how we are married and discuss different things and give each other tips and tricks. She said we should be living together. And i agree.

4. Also had a nice chat with s1 right before i broke my fast. I was alone and whiny and she said let's talk and you can whine. And we did. Soul was nourished a little bit more. And tummy too.

5. Had two cups of chai. One after the other.

6. Coming home to shower and changing into my blingy water melon shirt.

7. Listened to something that got me in touch with my spirituality and made me cry. Feels good to know i still feel the same things.

8. Right now, i'm quite excited to go to sleep. I have been feeling sleepy all day, and i am looking forward to finally giving in. And waking up late tomorrow.

9. I did something that i think may be good for my mental health. Here's hoping i don't abandon it a second time.

Alright 9 will have to do. I can't think of anything else. Good effort. Thanks bye. 

Finding agency.

The last few days have been a soup of emotions. I've had two major meltdowns, and a couple of mini ones. Why? Hormones. Life. Maybe both.
So I decided to heal myself. Or at least try. I came home to meet the parents, and well my visit wasn't so much about the parents. But I spent time with s2 and we talked and talked. Validated each other's concerns and had a laughing fit while brushing our teeth. Snorted toothpaste up my nose and felt minty up there for a while. s2 left today. But I decided to stay another day. Things with parents are okay. However, things in my head aren't. I went for a walk. Talked to V. And to my relatively new friend Astha. It was fun. Comforting. To walk in a place so familiar. Actually, now that I think about it, more than this room, more than this house, or the other house I live in, what I would call Home the most is maybe the streets that I walk on, in this housing society I live in. The park, the lanes, surrounded by houses and their tiny lawns. That. My heart turns into butter pudding when I think of my walks. I love my walks, and its a shame, shame! that I don't get to do that anymore. I always need an escape. And journaling, and sleep just doesn't cut it. Treadmill doesn't even come close. I want the ground under my feet, and I want to breathe fresh (relatively) air, and smell this and that. Mostly flowers. Oh man. But well, I got to do that today, and it was good. Really good. And I'm glad.
Im not healed though. Because I don't know what will heal me.
Binge watching Doctor Foster helped a little bit.
On top of everything that is currently contributing to rot my mind, there's also that bit about losing a friend. Just like that. Sometimes I worry that I haven't processed it and that's probably not healthy. Sometimes I wonder if its permanent or just a phase. But then most days I don't wonder about it at all.  I dream about it constantly, because my brain is really cute about subconsciously hanging on to things that I've brushed under the rug. But other than that. There's not much to it. Things just are. And I don't think about it.
Im not thriving.
A lot is great right now in my life, and always has been. Blessed and what not. But I can't say I'm thriving. Not really. And that makes me restless.
I randomly watched an interview of Irfan Khan who passed away yesterday and he said something about finding room to 'exercise your convictions'. And that has stayed with me for some reason.
Im hungry.
But oh God I'm loving this. Weird sense of freedom. Hmm. 

Acid.

Ive thought about writing in here, something, anything, for a while now but i'm at a place where I want to write and i want it badly, but i want to write uninhibitedly, unabashedly, about every thought i have. Every offensive, irrational, shady thought. But i can't. And when i can't do that, it seems like, what's the point? Its an itch i can't scratch. But i recall, i used to have a way of writing about the most mundane things and sneaking in a heavy phrase or two here and there so that only I knew what it meant and the weight it carried.
I am such a restless spirit. I might make a new blog. Okay enough with the intros. For now, the mission is to write. Just write.


Just finished watching Little Women. What a wonderful second half. Saoirse Ronan is a joy to watch. There was especially this one scene. Well there were a number of scenes, but this one scene in particular where she says:

Women. They have minds, and they have souls, as well as just hearts. And they’ve got ambition. And they’ve got talent as well as just beauty. And I’m so sick of people saying that love is just all a woman is fit for. I’m so sick of it. But I’m so lonely!

And then she cries.
And then there was this other quote by George Elliot, but i won't mention it here cuz i can't google it. It was about childhood and innocence, or thats what i'm assuming it was about.

Im not very nice. I mean I'm nice. But not that nice. And often these days, I feel there is no place for the part of me that is not nice. Thoughts i'm not proud of.  Its not about niceness actually. Im talking about all the difficult unpleasant irrational unattractive parts of me. All my angst, and anger and frustrations. My anxiety over the most inane things. My almost fixation over the most inane things. My impatience. My overwhelming sensitivity, and my inability to do anything about it. My heart, my stupid sinking forever heavy heart. Part of it at least. My weakness. My ineptitude. Is that a word? Seems so. Self doubt. Laziness. Indifference. Coldness. My instinct to retract, retreat, relinquish at the slightest resistance. My tendency to delude myself into thinking i'm someone I'm not. My incessant guilt over not acting on things and not doing things that i imagine my ideal self to be doing and saying. That ideal self. That..that idea. That version of me. Its all in my head. And there is such disparity, God there is such disparity between who i am and who(whom?) i identify as. There is. Well. The point is. I feel there is no space for all these parts of me. Anywhere. And I don't know what to do with my thoughts. Whom to reveal them to. People i love and people who love me? But Being vulnerable is hard. It can make you feel very very small. And then you can't take it back. And you've relinquished some control. That you can't take back. That's a feeling i don't like. I have more to say on it, but maybe later. Probably, most surely. Probably.

Hmm. Writing has unexpectedly helped. Don't know how long this will last, but for now it is. Ah, but what i want to do is rant. Really rant. I have been, to some people. But there's always some sort of filter. And that's on me. Partially.
Im just absolutely sick of so many things. What should i do? Really. What should i do? Something has ignited inside me. I can feel it. And i have been feeling the embers for a while now. But now, i can feel a little flame. A proper little flame. And i don't know what to do with it.

I tried therapy. 2 sessions. And then i abandoned that as well.

I think it's going to take a number of posts to calm me down. For now, im going to go ahead and post this one. No spell check. No nothing.