Saturday, August 20, 2016

More string, less pearl.

I'm funny. I'm a fugitive. I'm in hiding. I kind of took a hiatus from work. Without warning. Without planning. Just up and left. And came home. Left a pile of mess that needs to be dealt with but my sanity needed to be dealt with first. I refuse to be a goat. A miserable one at that. A miserable anxious goat. No. No no no. So I've come home and im going to let this place heal me. This house, these brick walls, these wooden floors, the porch, this bed... and mom and dad's company. Healmyheartpls? I don't know whether what I did was bold or downright stupid, but i did what i did.
I tend to make frantic little knots out of the thoughts in my mind. It puts quite a bit of strain on my brain.  Knots out of thoughts. Strain on my brain. Look at my rhyming like a pro. Anyway. I need to untie the knots one by one. You know. I was not told that another part of being an adult, was making decisions about things that you do not feel very equipped to make decisions about. There's a ton of risk involved in this premature decision making and you often have to take giant leaps off giant cliffs with blindfolds over your eyes and your hands tied behind your back. You could fall. And break all limbs. And be paralyzed for life. That's not fun. Speaking of, I'm thinking of shifting to black coffee.(No one spoke of coffee i know get over it) I take some milk in my coffee and no sugar. Maybe eliminate milk altogether? My stomach will not be happy about this. But let's see. I love being minimalistic. Minimalist. Whichever. It's 4:40 am and the hour is such that i could write for hours, but my eyes are now beaches full of sand and i must close them. What is the point of coming home if i'm not even going to catch up on sleep? But then. Let's not be animals. Lets not sleep at 5 am just because i can. I say let's, but other than myself, who else am i talking about? *shrugs* I shall write more in the morning. 

Okay so i didn't write more in the morning. This is actually the afternoon after the morning after the day after - okay its one day later. I should probably stay off caffeine for a while, since i believe it's adding to my anxiety. I had redbull yesterday for no reason because my friends were over and there was a can in the fridge and i said hey lets all share a redbull and then i allowed them a sip or two and had it all by myself. That is who i am. It's what i do. Only now my heart won't stop palpitating. It get's annoying.

Last night the weather was pleasant and the moon was silver and the clouds were a nice charcoal grey and the wind was a little chilly, and me and mom brought out a Charpaai and i put my head in my mom's lap, (I do it very often, its my favourite place), and we just talked. Dad was sitting on the side, eating dinner. When the sky looks too beautiful I feel overwhelmed, and I am afraid of feeling overwhelmed for what is one supposed to do with this sudden effervescence of feelings and emotions inside? I don't know how to deal with it. Words are never enough. Thoughts go berserk and there is unrest and chaos. 

I spent the afternoon watching Veep and colouring. s1 stole my colouring book the other day without permission and now a couple of colour pencils are missing. There's a colour in there that I call the 'beautiful green'. There's also a warm yellow and amazing red. An easy orange and a peculiar blue. None of these are lost thankGod. 

Found some space inside the house to cycle a bit and then mom said that she had a feeling that i would crash, but i was fine until i cycled past mom and then i sort of side crashed into the wall, because that's always what happens when i'm being observed. I don't perform well under pressure. And i feel pressure when people are watching. Or when i am in the spotlight. I turn into a lump of dough. It's not pretty. And now my leg hurts and a couple of other places. But i'm fine. 

I want to be in the mountains. For a week or so. With someone I don't have to talk to at all times. My heart is yearning. 

That is all for now. 

Monday, August 1, 2016

For those who understand us, enslave something in us.

This year has been the year of change. Sounds cliché. And sounds like a new year's post. But it isn't cuz its only July. No wait it's august..well almost. So yeah, the point is. Change. Things have constantly been in motion and I have not had time to catch up with any of it. Then in the midst of it all I realised that maybe it was pointless to try to catch up, or slow down. I just need to go with the flow. I need to keep running. There's no stopping, no breathing, no pausing. Just moving. There have been small pockets of free time where I have sat still for hours and pondered over my life situation but it has not been pleasant. My body and my mind are too used to motion now and I crave it. I crave slowing down and I crave movement. Simultaneously. Well because if it weren't for this chaos I don't know if I wouldve been able to deal with all the chaos. Graduation happened. Left the hostel. Friends left. Friendships ended. Routines changed, habits changed, ideas changed, mindsets changed and I found my soul two shades paler by the end of it. There was a gradual stripping away of things I counted as essential and the process is painful yet liberating and it's still going on.  Work is also something. It tests me physically mentally and emotionally. Every day. Which i hate and love. I have a vague idea of what I want to do in the future which keeps a part of me at peace. But I am open to what life will throw my way. Could be shitstorm. Could be rainbowfest. Either way. I'm open.  
Every now and then I have stressful days and when I find myself too wound up in small matters that actually deserve none or very little of my precious brainspace, I take a step back, and mentally imagine shedding them off like brown crackly autumn leaves. And it helps. We should be like snakes. We should molt. Yuck. But yeah. 
Ugh. I'm rambling on and on. 
Going to stop. 
Oh but one thing that invariably makes me happy and warm is when mom feeds me food with her own hands. Food tastes better and life seems brighter. 
That's all.