I've been an emotional soup for the past two weeks I think. Last week, a co-worker that i knew for barely three months, left. And i cried in front of everyone. At work. My tears love to betray me. But s1 later said not to worry, cuz its your style. I'm not sure I love my style, but its true, it really is my style. To cry in non ideal circumstances with -1000 control over my tears. Then I cried for two days over a really sad thing, and it broke my heart all over again. Some days, i was just a vegetable at home. I don't know what it is exactly. But. Man, these emotions. The other day I had a patient with something called Reactive anxiety. Halfway through her testing, she started to cry. She kept apologizing profusely for her tears. I wanted to hold her hand, and reassure her over and over. I did try. I told her i was a crier too and that it was completely okay. But she said she was mortified, and I felt so sad.
Life is beautiful and achy. All the bloody time.
I had the day off today. I woke up early. Made some phone calls. Talked to parents as well. Dad made jokes again, after a long time. My heart smiled. Mom told the same recipes over and over. I watched Daisy Jones and The six. Made myelf a paratha. Had lots of chai and half a slice of cheesecake. Took a long shower, sang songs from Smallville and One tree hill. And then cleaned the entire apartment. Did four loads of laundry. And made food. I'm waiting for A to get home, so we can have dinner. He will bring naan. Oh btw, we are moving into a new apartment at the end of this month.
I've been writing so many posts on this blog. It's just that they stay in my mind, and never make it to the keyboard. Today i decided, I will write anything and just post. I don't want to stop writing. I always tell myself I will write more, but then don't. But. There's another thing. More and more, it almost doesn't feel safe, to put my thoughts out here. On the internet. Not that many people are reading it, its just that, many people can. I have thoughts from 10 years ago on here. I don't know. Feels kind of exposed. Oh well.
Sometimes, I am so proud of myself. Sometimes, I wish that was enough for me.
Hmm. Its friday night today. I will try to write in here all weekend. Let's see what I come up with.
Guess what it is today. Friday again. Ha ha. I wrote nothing all week, but here i am next friday, writing again. This week was nice. Had a bunch of half days at work, and I am off work again today. Wow. I'm about to make maggie and watch bridgerton. But what i am really doing, is running away from important things that I have to do. I just dont know okay? I don't know what to do. Maybe i do know what to do but i don't want to do it. I don't want to finish that research paper. I don't want to live in unceratinty anymore. YUCK. Sometimes I feel so resigned. You know how they say not making a choice is also a choice. Maybe that's what Im doing.
I've been having anxiety dreams lately. A ton of them.
The truth is, despite everything, life remains beautiful. What can I say. No one's going to have everything.
