Glimmer.

Mornings these days smell of pakistan and childhood. My khalas house. My old house. Lawns and dhoop. It smells the same. And stirs all sorts of feelings inside me. And I'm not a fan of nostalgia, especially when I'm pmsing. No thankyou.

 Lindt's caramel and sea salt is divine. I take two blocks every day with tea but today I had four. Oops. I'm watching the wedding planner. It's 10 am. I'm done with breakfast and I'm lounging in my big baby pink hoodie and feeling cozy. I will doze off when sleep comes. I'm trying to savor this feeling. The world feels bleak and painful right now. But it has also made me more aware of the safety and comfort I live with everyday. It's overwhelming.

It's raining outside. I'm having coffee. I'm going to head out to gym after this. I have things to do. But I don't want to do them. I'm allergic. I don't want to do anything cumbersome anymore. Last night I was thinking. Self reflecting maybe. That I am a creature of comfort. 

Guess what I really miss right now. Heaters in the dark, back home. When the light is out, and all you can do it sit around the heater, possibly munching on peanuts with family lazing around different parts of the room. Then someone suggests we need chai, and everyone agrees. Then my mom offers samosas or ghar walay chips and we say yes please. And life is good.

---

This post ^ has been sitting in my drafts for over a month. So i will write some more and publish.

The past month has been mostly about me languishing. Gym saves me. The mall too. But other than that, haven't done much. There is so much anxiety and guilt attached to being free. Non productive. I know everyone says rest is good, rest is important. But, because my career hasn't panned out the way i planned, despite mountains of effort, I feel I might not deserve this rest. Then I tell myself no. I do in fact deserve it. I deserve to wake up and plan fun activities, waste time, take it slow. When else will I get this chance? I am trying my best to rest. But it's hard. Sound like first world problems. Sound like anxiety problems. But it is how i feel. 

Things that annoy me about movies:

People brushing their teeth and talking at the same time.

People vomit all the time, and they show us the vomit.

They always say I love you accidentally, mid sentence. Then they're caught so off guard by the realization I mean fuck off already. Didn't you know?

The main character takes his/her love interest to a lake side or a rooftop and tells them how they used to come up here or down there with their grandfather or dad or mum or uncle who would impart endless wisdom and build core memories.

There are many more but I will pause for now.

---

It's a beautiful day. Orange and golden and three and a half shades of blue. 

I am having coffee, so I can go to the gym and run for 30 minutes, followed by maybe 20 minutes on the AMT? Or will I do the rowing machine today. We will see. 

We will have Palnadu biryani from this place tonight. I am salivating at the thought. 

Alright bye.

Volcanic.

 I have been in this situation before. Overwhelmed, stressed, stretched really really thin. Maybe it doesn't take much for me to feel this way, or maybe I am undermining my struggles. I don't know. But what I know is that here I am again. Juggling sand. And I can't wait to get out of this. But I also think, this is life. And these are the good kind of problems. These are not health problems, it's not grief, it's not discontent. It's just stress and struggle. If not this, it will be something else. So might as well.

A is out of town for the week. It's the first time I'm in this apartment all by myself. Interesting. I'm going to use this time to be productive AF. I'll try to go out for some time today. The air is fresh and getting chilly fast, which is what I like. 

-

That ^ was weeks ago. In the meantime, I crossed a major milestone, a major something ticked off my list. And what is left is one last exam. So here I am, still going. Engines roaring, full steam. Onward. Forward.

-

PMS was devastating this time around. Reminds me of this scene from fleabag about women having pain on a cycle, having pain built-in. It's part of us. And it's not just physical, the pain. It's emotional, mental, social - all sorts. I mean, God really wanted to show us how strength can look different in men and women. I love how women are soft and strong at the same time. Divine stuff. Nothing less. 

-

A is being too nice. I don't know what to do. The other day, he got me warm socks. And green tea. And he is making food. And giving head massages. And I think bringing me my favorite breakfast wrap from starbucks is his new love language. Thank God for companionship. And friendship. And love. And play.

-

I wrote a whole thing in my journal about what I miss about home the most. Its my funny little home, ,and the funny little place it's located in. Where I walk. And where the funny little market is. Our funny little living room with the curtains and the funny cushions. The tiles. The out of place furniture. My funny little room. That house is too much. But it's what I miss the most about home. Being there. With my funny little family. Uh oh, this made me cry. 

-

I've been waking up at 7 am lately. It's nice. We watched the Pak vs Netherland match and had coffee and peanut butter toast. Then A left for work. I spent a long time cleaning the kitchen. I finished Fleabag and my tea an hour ago. The priest situation broke my heart, but why was it it so beautifully done? Didn't expect that. Some things leave an impact. Hmm. 

-

Fall is here. So is thanksgiving and halloween. Everything is orange. Today was wonderfully cozy. I had a laser appointment which was excruciating, but then we had fish and chips in the rain. Some coffee, walked around the water, closed my eyes on the drive back home, listening to Abida Parveen. The trees look like magic these days. 

-

I was thinking something today. About the concept of success. And how many a times I equate it to having more money and a better job, when I know that health, relationships, time, doing good, moments of joy and connection are what life is really about. Career, is just ONE thing. Yet it takes up 90% of my brainspace. And has currently given me an intractable headache that just won't leave me. Sigh.

Love in Marriage.

 

Its going out at 2 am to look for shooting stars. Giving him vitamins when i take mine. And vice versa. Its forced cuddling and hair stroking. Its not agreeing on a rug because he wants it soft and I want it stylish. It's fighting over who gets to use the new mug. And who gets the mug with more chai in it. It's cooking together. Elaborate breakfasts on saturday mornings immediately followed by a heavy lidded stupor. Him eating the parathas i made, that made our jaws hurt. Washing the car on Sunday. Letting me do the fun bits. Dirty jokes. Preposterous jokes. Inside jokes. Green tea every night. Hate-watching sex and the city re runs and psychoanalyzing all the characters. Racing each other to the washroom. Spontaneous purchases from Facebook marketplace that we kinda sorta regret but won't say out loud. Him force-feeding me blackberries straight from the tree. Competing over who is more tired and who has the worse headache. Ice cream at midnight. Spending an hour trying to pick the best paint by numbers kit and not buying any. Incessant requests for back massages and leg massages. Putting calamine lotion on his mosquito bites. 11 pm grocery shopping. Difficult conversations. Avoiding conversations. Apology hugs. Pep talks. Ugly crying. Laughing while crying. Crying from laughter. Teasing. Heavy meme traffic, two-way, 24/7. Custom ringtones. 'Can you turn the lights off?' 'Will you iron my shirt'? 'Do you want coke with this?', 'Come to bed', 'Can i tell you what all i did today?', 'Wow', 'So i spoke to xyz this morning..', 'I miss home', 'Go treat yourself today', 'Doesn't the house smell nice?', 'Did you get the keys?', 'Meet me in the mall', 'What perfume is this?', 'What should i make?', 'Come down in 5 mins', 'I'm happy we're so happy'.

So it is.

I woke up early today. After A left for work, I came out to the living room, now that I have the apartment to myself. I made a quick breakfast. Something about a monday morning with a fully stocked kitchen. Exciting. I had some coffee, eggs, toast, peanut butter and jam. I watched another episode of In treatment, the newest season. Dozed off halfway through the episode despite the construction workers outside drilling directly into my skull. I spoke to my parents next. Mom said my eyes looked swollen. The first thing she asked was 'Did you cry?'. Thankfully, I hadn't. I was just sleepy. I showed her a point where my eye was hurting and she being she, told me I must put in eye drops and stop it from becoming a thing. And my dad being dad, did a cute joke where he took out some eye drops and mom said, look your dad has taken them out, he's offering to put them in your eye. And then he gestured as if putting the eyedrops through the camera in my eye across oceans. I played along. We laughed. It was cute. What a morning. I have realized I love taking care of our place. I like keeping it clean and smelling nice. I love getting groceries. I love eating the food i make. I still haven't mastered making soft roti, but i would say its pretty round and above average. So pat on the back for me. 

I have made a list of tasks that I need to do today. Hmm, maybe I will document how I'm doing as the day goes by. 

For now, I am going to study. After that, I need to work on another document and then start on citing my paper. Also, I need to fill some forms. And make dinner. Dare I add a yoga session? HMMMM. We shall see. 

--

Okay I'm writing again after 2 days. So much for documenting an entire day. From what I can recall, I did manage most of the tasks from up there^, except yoga. Of course. And I think I didn't make dinner, we went out instead. Or was that yesterday? I don't know. Days are a blur. There is so much work to do. Yesterday I cried twice, while trying to trouble shoot my problems. But God is great as usual, and one of them did get solved. The weird thing is, I am moving, moving, moving. It's been years. Little by little, with too many lapses and too many guilt ridden, anxiety heavy, denial stuffed breaks. Still moving. That gives me hope. The fact that there is movement, means I'm on a path, and there must be a destination. And God willing, I will get there. Dinner for tonight is chicken chowmein. I have a suspicion that A bought lettuce instead of cabbage. Oh well. 

--

Last night I was surprised to find out that it was thursday already and the weekend was just around the corner. I thought it was still Tuesday. That's how my days have been lately. And it was cabbage, not lettuce.

--

I am now writing this on another Tuesday. The weekend came and went. But it was a really good one. We did a desi nashta, grocery, I SWAM IN A LAKE, just hung out, ate delicious pizza and what not. Today, I submitted the final draft of my research manuscript. Only God and I know what it took for me to do that. I am not the most disciplined person and DAMN was this hard. I hope i don't have to do a lot to it for it to be submitted. Let's see. 

I'm making chicken karahi, I want to make it spicier today. I mopped the floors, and handwashing two of A's t-shirts. Also re-watching the movie Closer. I don't feel well. I have cough and a bad headache.

Today i was coughing like a madman while on the phone with someone and she asked me if I missed home when i was sick. And i was like, are you trying to make me cry right now? Well I didn't say that but of course I miss home when I am sick. But I hardly ever go down that road, because i can't afford to. Well the food is ready, and the shirts are washed and the aata is goondh-ed, and my headache is worse. Thankyouverymuch.

I do love life, nonetheless. It's quite a challenge. And I hope to God I'm doing okay, because sometimes i'm not so sure. Am I doing enough? Is this my best? I don't know. 

Isn't it funny that everyday when A comes home, I pretend to be asleep and we do this entire play-act thing where I open one eye and find him staring at me from the door, and I pretend I didn't notice him come in and get startled, and then we laugh about it. Every day. 

Little notes from Notes.

 Today is Friday. Feels like a Friday which is just the way I want it. I made biryani today. From the recipe on the box. It came out good enough. I also made sewiyan again. I want to make something sweet every Friday. Let's see if I can follow through. There's something about creating your own little traditions. 

It's almost golden hour. Me and A had a good meal and watched Ted lasso. Now he's on the phone and I've come to the room. I might nap. Afternoon naps can be so nostalgic. I'm conveniently ignoring the mountain of strange and frustrating work that's pending for me. I need to do more if we want to go for a hike tomorrow. Yikes. 

We did the hike and it was glorious. I feel like writing more now. That's good. I did a ton of laundry this morning and I'm happy with the results. Speaking of being happy with the results, I have been trying some more of mom's recipes lately. I made mutton last night. And the masala tasted just like my mom's. To make something that my mom makes and have it taste just like hers. It's like recreating Home.

It's Friday again. I have showered and used a new towel and wore a new shirt that says 'Less Monday, more summer'. Whatever that means. And I rubbed a little scent on my neck. I feel good. I'm going to have Chai and a vanilla biscuit. I've been avoiding work since I woke up. Maybe I should dive into it. Confront the anxiety monster. Maybe just a little hello. Let's see. 

I was going to wake up early today and be productive. Instead, I took the day off. Day off from everything. The laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the working, the studying, the walking, the visiting. I lounged on the couch most of the day. Me and A went to the Desi restaurant to have my favourite daal which was disappointingly bland. But good day overall.

I find it insane, Beethoven's progressive deafness at the peak of his career. You couldn't write a better script. Speaking of scrips, Watched the Succession finale last night. What a show. A masterpiece. I love it when brilliant art leaves me in awe. Aren't we lucky? That creativity exists. Genius exists. And perfect execution exists. To even have the ability to appreciate such craftsmanship. *chef's kiss* These are the good things in life. 

I'm flying to see V in a few days. That's combined with a career related thing. Anxiety and excitement. I hope June is kind to me. I am afraid I wasted May a little. I have so many conflicting thoughts. Some thoughts I'm afraid to think. I don't know man.

Portion control.

 I haven't been writing. Not in my journal, not here, not in my notes. Maybe a line or two in the password protected app on my phone. A little bit on tissue papers. I haven't been writing because I have been afraid of feeling. Still am, but better. I'll give this a shot.

I'm typing, btw, on A's work laptop. It's a strange feeling. We went for a walk around the lake earlier today. Around 8ish. The sun was setting, a man was fishing, the ducks were being a*holes, and the birds chirping away. The walk turned into a nice steady jog, one that I badly needed. I was working on my research article most day today. Almost gave me a migraine it did. I needed the run and the ducks and the endorphins. 

I don't know what else to say. I don't know how to write without being consumed. My thoughts go back home every time I start to write, and that makes me teary eyed and I just don't want to go down that road. Still don't. It's not that I have not cried. I have. I do. Every now and then. But i know that if i let myself, I could - I would, go on for days. I don't want to do that. So bite sized palatable portions of homesickness for me for now. 

I have more work tomorrow. I really really hope I can get some shit done. 

Something that I enjoy doing here is going for grocery runs with A. We go to the mall every other day. I don't know why suddenly, it is so much fun to get grocery every day. I enjoy that. I enjoy going to the nearby drugstore as well. I enjoy wiping the kitchen counters clean and the stove top clean before I sleep. Its easy to do, and makes me feel productive. I've been cooking a lot. That's huge. I feel great when I make something good. I have made Chicken karahi three times now. It was good every time. Yay me. 

M says I need to validate myself for my achievements because at the end of the day, no one will know my battles, my mountains, my struggles the way I do. Maybe for someone, its just chicken karahi or sewiyan. For me, it's a triumph over the stickiest mental barrier.

I have one month before I go visit V. DAMN. The excitement. We will be meeting after maybe 6 years? I don't know. We talk every day. Every. Day. Now that we are in the same (well, almost) time zone, we talk on the phone more often. And we finally get to meet in June. I think it will be wholesome.

My hands are cold. But I have the window open, cuz I'm trying to air dry our laundry. The dryer apparently shrinks the clothes. What's the point then? And why has no one solved this problem in 2023?

A is home and brought back some cheesecake. I'm going to have it tomorrow morning after or in prep for my zoom class that will induce stress thankyou. 

I am going to start writing more in my notes app. And hopefully some of it will end up here. 

Let's see. 

Tiger in a tiger's mask.

 I've been trying to write a post for a month. I guess I'm not the only one. But the reason I haven't written is because I'm afraid of emotions to spill over. I'm barely keeping afloat. 

I have moved across the world. 

I will write more later. It's not that there isn't much to write. The opposite actually. But I can only do that when I have my wits. Currently, not sure If i do.

Tea tastes good today, finally.

Feb.

 February is right around the corner. My favourite month by FAR. Something magical about feb. AND I am hoping i will get my visa next month as well. Its a feeling. And its the last touch of winter. And I was borned in feb too.

I have developed a new obsession: Fragrances. 

Its an expensive obsession. I want a huge perfume closet. I want all of them. There a couple on my list that i will definitely get once I move. Last night I wore a very nice scent and enjoyed it through out the time I was out. However, no one complimented me. Wtf? That's alright..I guess.

Can you tell, I'm a tad bit over caffeinated right now. A little wonky tonky.

I've got to say. A bed side table is an amazing thing. Everything you need is there. Mine currently has my water bottle. A night cream. My watch, charger, lamp. Floss. A couple of hair pains. Melatonin. A hair tye. A gel pen. A mug of green tea. My earbuds. A box of tissues. And an eye mask that I don't use. WHAT ELSE can one need? I also think I need to declutter a bit lols. On the other side however I have my journal, another pen. A tasbeeh. Panadol. And a tweezer. I think I am equipped for life, just sayin.

When they say emotional regulation is the most important skill to have, perhaps they are right. At times I stick out like a sore thumb, more often than I'd like. And more often than not, I channel my inner snail. And retreat to my shell. And more often than not, it seems to be the only way to go. However, I'm glad that tomorrow is a new day. Its almost a miracle. How we get a new shot at life every 24 hours. We take it for granted, but it really is a blessing. To begin over and over. 

Well. Today is the 1st of Feb. And guess what. My visa arrived. Miracles do happen. I told A, we will be cuddling ten hours per day and I will glue myself to him and he said I can do whatever I want.  

But also guess what, I've been mush inside all day. I am feeling at least 73 emotions right now. And have cried about 15 times as well. I don't know if anyone can understand all that I am feeling and why. But I do feel it all, and intensely so. A mountain of uncertainty lies ahead. There's that saying that goes something like Tell your mountains about your God. So i guess I shall. 

Every thought in my mind is tagged with an emotion. Sometimes I wonder how life would be if I didn't  have to hold back my tears so much, so often. Hmmm. Easier, I think. Life would be easier. 

a ten second poem

 I go for a walk 

and the trees

the ones with no leaves

are so beautiful

 i could cry

i try 

not to stare

at the white house 

on the way

the house with

 the lights

so bright 

I walk by

I try

Not to pry

At orion and his friends

but I do take a peak

every now and then

while Mozart

moves my heart

then i fall

lol

why?

cuz my head is in the sky

again.

Attempts.

 So, the new year is here. Its the 3rd already. What? I did not make any resolutions. To be honest, all i want is to have some control over my day, or days.

I love scented tissues. Scented most things actually. I have this black-grey cape shawl that my mom got me. It's something I've used quite consistently every winter. I love the way it smells. Of a blend of perfumes I've been 

There is some kind of a romantic living in the house next door. Two of his/her favourite songs are 'Summer wine' and 'Hello' .And he (i think its a him) always plays them in the morning. Its 11 am. And it feels kind of nice to have coffee in bed right now, and listen to Lionel Richie say I love youuu.

Aren't I a little too old to be dreaming of riding a bicycle in my old housing colony where i grew up, where the pedals get harder and harder to move? Can you get more basic

A post has been stuck inside me, and I write a sentence or two every day, but nothing sticks. 

Right, long distance is hard. But me and A have had some wonderful conversations during this time. Its a comfort, being on the same wavelength about life. To laugh about the silliest things. To be best buds with your life partner is an exquisite kind of joy. 

Blah

My cat ate a hair tie today. 

I'm going to post this. 

Hello to everyone who commented recently. How refreshing to know there are eyes on the other side of the screen as well. :)