Lately, I have been all about gratitude and cherishing and savouring and acknowledging. The good in life. Feeling wholesome, full, warm. Despite the anxiety. Despite doubt, uncertainty, unsent messages, unresolved, unexpressed emotions. Loneliness. Stagnation. Loss. Guilt. Let it take it's place inside you. There's always room for more. For joy, laughter, for quiet evenings and quiet love, dancing with abandon, shower concerts, rambling poetry. For affection. To give. And receive it in abundance. To receive it over and over. There's space for old wounds that bleed fresh every now and then, and there's space for healing. There's space for doing the work and healing yourself and there's space for a little help. In fact all the help you can get. Why not. There's beauty. In feeling whole - with parts missing, broken, hurt. Et al
The year for me. Hmm. It was about. Oh it was beautiful. We went to a new years thing the other night (well, on The New years night i.e) and someone asked us what our biggest achievement was for the year. The answer came easy. For me. It was growth. I did some growing up yes i did. I worked, found fulfilment in it. I made friends and i worked hard. And then I quit when leaving wasn't easy. Struggled with self discipline. Worked out. Showed up for myself. Loved feeling my body change even though it wasn't the way I expected it to. Worked out for the joy of it. Wrote poems. Wrote a paper. Managed a household by myself. Made hummus and hot wings and banana bread. A lot of banana bread. Became a mama to a cat. Took time off for mountains and clean air. Got closure handed to me on a plate. I opened myself. I opened boxes inside me that hadn't been looked at in years. Got my hands dirty and sorted that shit out. Some was painful. And gut wrenching. Like when you cry from your chest and your intestines and it just keeps pouring out from God knows where. Your entire body is holding that shit. I don't save that kind of crying for deaths and devastation. It comes to me on a random Wednesday. But I also forgave myself for crying. I asked for love. I asked for safety. And I found it. I let my inner child come out to play. I made effort for change. I kept at it. Particle by particle. Block by block. Mountain by mountain. And I'm happy about where I am. A friend asked me what my new years resolution was. I said. To keep going. And she's like. That's not a resolution. That's something you'll do anyway.
But it's not something I'll do anyway. It will take all of me. To keep going. To do things I've set out for myself. Even if it's terrifying. Or seems impossible. To not give up. To keep working on myself. To build relationships. To build myself. To keep making mistakes and then fixing them. Forgiving myself. Over and over. To understand my limits and then push them. And not hate myself every time I fail. To choose to live from a place of abundance and courage. Not scarcity and fear. To be one step closer to the person i aspire to be. And to stay kind. Through all of it. Kinder to myself. Kinder to those around me.
Its hard.
But it's what I plan on doing. I want to just keep going.
